Friday, October 30, 2009

"The State of my Dating"

 I have now not been in a relationship for 3 years. Yes I have dated here and there but have yet to find someone that A) is not insane or B) That thinks I am not insane. I know that dating is difficult and frustrating if not all those online dating sites would be broke. I have yet to subscribe to as the commercials frighten me. The glazed over doe eyes the "We fell in love right away" desperation and kids carnival ride music soundtrack leads me to believe that no matter what computer models they use to find my unique personality match. That they will have trouble finding a woman who likes badgers, beer, midget porn, celebrity toe nail clipping collecting  and also sharing my crush on Flo the progressive insurance commercial girl.
 Not that I have been dateless I have been on plenty of dates. Some very nice, with nice jobs, nice, homes, nice friends, nice hair...ect. just nice, with no passion. Or the other end of the spectrum, they hate and distrust men, sex, sex with men, books by men, their fathers, the fathers of any men, male babies as they will grow to eventually become men who will emotionally hurt or dispose of them. But they love ME!!!!! god how they love me.....
 So now I have a growing pile of restraining orders I have had to get, and a list of changed phone numbers that rivals the size of some small arctic villages phone books . I dispose of pay as you go cell phones more than the local pot dealers and human traffickers.

 Do I blame my city? to a point, yes.. Vancouver is filled with people who have a image of a image. When I meet or I am introduced to prospective mrs. mooses i get to hear, "Do you do the grouse grind?, i love it and do it all the time it makes me feel free." FUCK YOU, I do not run up mountains for fun, I ski because of gravity, I whitewater kayak because of gravity. I will not even run up a mountain if chased by bears or chased by bears who wish to violate me with other bears. I will run down the mountain. The grouse grind in this town is like a key to dating if you do not say you do or you actually do you are destined to be a looked at like a leper working at the MAC counter.
  I do go to Yoga but at the community centre and not at BIUIUT*YTRUYRU hot yoga palace. I also do not live for it but it does make me more flexible and helps my back.
  Where are the delightfully odd girls who are funny sexy and walk to the beat of their own drums? The girls who drink and cuss like a sailor who enjoy the outdoors minus running up hill. The ones who make no excuses for their oddities, who allow their damaged youth to be part of what makes them great not what they are trying to hide behind a veneer of luulemon yoga wear, prada sunglasses and a refusal to poke badgers.

 I met a nice girl online, fun, smart very very pretty, knows who she is baggage and all. But she lives in Toronto............Come one fun crazy Vancouver girls who like balding, drinking, smoking, cussing non up hill running nice guys who can cook, love to travel are kind to animals, likes to shop, geeky yet stylish and has a unhealthy addiction to Japadog.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Cruise Ships Un-Censored part 4 "Passenger Antics"

I know it has been awhile in coming from my last post in my series "Cruise Ships Un-Censored" as I have been distracted by 1) swine flu 2) bright shiny objects 3) other rants and mumblings. So as promised here is part 4 of my series "Passenger Antics"!

 I have spoke on my previous posts about the bank account emptying skills of cruise lines and those wacky ports of call, hell I even wrote about the crew so now it is time to talk about the cruise lines sugar daddies and mommies the passengers.

 People come to cruise from many cultures, areas, physical sizes, degree of crazy and any other demographic you can think of but they have 2 things in common. 1) they want a fun vacation 2) they love free food. I will try and break down passengers into a few categories ranging from first time cruiser, cruise addicts, groups, and the insane.produced by the cruise lines, TV shows and dreams of be pampered whilst exploring exotic locations.

 FTC (first time cruisers as i will call them) come aboard with deer in headlight eyes running around the ship like ADD kids on meth.  They will ask incredibly stupid questions,  spend all there money, buy every shore excursion, and generally not too demanding. They are the blank canvas that cruise lines can play their little games of fleecing, bait and switch and general douchbaggery on.

Frequent Cruisers: (also known as FCAH frequent. cruiser, ass. holes. ) this genus tends to be parasitic in nature and will demand upgrades, inspect the ship, cabin, food, crew and ports of call like an anal retentive  mystery shopper with anger management issues. they can generally be found berating the pursers / front desk staff, abusing the waiters & cabin stewards, name dropping obscure cruise line managers and ship board managers in order to get a $10 dollar shipboard credit or a free bottle off bath tube wine. They will wave their loyalty cards around in delusional rants, brag about all the cruises they have been on, and wear all the free cruise line merch that they get for being pains in the ass. Armed with a sense of entitlement equal to the execs at AIG or The Royal family they do nothing but moan and state how much better their last cruise was compared to this one. When you know they bitched about their last cruise just as much. I always wanted to tell them that while we appreciate their loyalty do you expect free shit from Walmart just because you shop there all the time. Frequent cruiser. It is funny because the cruise lines kiss their midnight buffet filled asses while they spend less on the cruise, know not to spend money on the ship and generally are poor revenue generators on the ships.

Groups: The best income creating subspecies onboard as they are a hybrid of FTC and FCAHs. They are usually themed from Elvis impersonators ( nothing says sad like a ship with 1500 elvi on board) Wedding, Gay (the best groups ever!!!!! love them!!!) Lesbians ( lots of domestic arguments and mullets) those crazy red hat ladies. High School Senior trips ( date rapes, drug smuggling, vandalism public raging drunkenness.) Cheer Leaders ( I cannot even write about them without throwing up  a bit) and my personal faves Faith healers ( they never cured my b-polar illness or male pattern balding so fuck them big group of sheeple morality police) Groups are demanding but usually never in a bad way, more often very cool unless you get a nautical bridezilla. yes bridezilla do swim.

Stupid Things I have seem passengers do ( oh, and a name the crew calls them are "Cones" . "Punters" )

  • Line up for a hour to just take pictures of the fucking chocolate buffet it is like a coco orgy mixed with the running of the bulls, if the bulls were all hungry Oprahs.
  • i have seen people have sex all over the ship including the glassed elevators...i called it fuckers under glass
  • The wearing of identical tee-shirts. A common on disturbing effect ion that seems to infect, old couples, youg sheltered couples and weird groups like the evangelical group whose shirts said WWJDOTC ( what would Jesus do on this cruise) i could only hope Jesus would through them over board or give them all Norwalk virus.
  • the shutter bugs, they will take a picture with every crew member and then think they are your best friend.
  • i saw a teenager steal a trumpet from a band member and hurl it over overboard.
  • I have witnessed many domestic violence incidents as just because drunk abusive daddy takes mum on a nice cruise does not mean he stops being an abusive asshole. 
  • Grandma thank you for flashing me your boobies and your picacu i will now go attend to my softon.
  • We had a swingers group charter the whole ship once. People were bumping uglies everywhere. the whole ship smelled like sex, ben-gay and astroglide. 
So the rules are simple passengers, do not moan to staff every 5 minutes about the ship rocking we are at sea, or yell at us. We hate you anyway do not validate our disgust with you with crazy antics.

Cruising is a great way to relax but remember if your way of relaxing is getting drunk and running around the ship naked you may be crossing into what the idea of relaxing is for other people. no one wants to see granny give a blow job in an elevator

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

"The Colapse Of A Moose's Health" " A Year in Review"

As I slowly recover from the onslaught of Pork Ebola I have to reflect on what a My body has been through this year. Now I am not a stranger to abusing my body, i have been known to drink ( on my 37th B-Day I drank my age in beers) I have in my past visited some recreational Pharmaceuticals only for editorial reasons I promise. Smoked Cigarettes and placed my body in very sketchy situations both for a pay check, and for my own and others amusement. But this has been the health-care year from hell. Here is the breakdown on my physical breakdown;

October 2008 : My L-4.L-5 lumbar disks decided to move. this move was without a months notice and in breaking a life long lease.

January 2009: Happy New Year not for my Kidneys they gave me a rocky party favor for the new year and I peed red in celebration for weeks

March 2009: Some kind of Flu, not of the pork variety but a nasty fucker non the less

May 2009: My friend Malaria paid me another visit I was infected a couple of years ago and every now and then the Dark Continent makes me shiver like Kate Gosslin at a Ed Hardy Fashion Show.

July 2009: While filming on a beach in Cuba  I feel into a hole and tore my ACL in my right knee no amount of cigars or moitos or Che tee shirts relieved my pain.

July 2009: ACL Surgery followed by a boat trip to Mexico to recover and visit every donkey show i could find

September 2009: I lost my Gall Stone virginity, complete with crying, blood in my stool, and a 911 call not unlike a weekend at most Catholic Boys schools.

October 2009: Swine Flu! Pork Ebola, Porcine Plague, Trotter Typhoid... Pure oinky hell

October 2009: Return of my spine defection. I now will need back surgery, yeah for me

On a positive note I lost 65lbs this year, have not had a bipolar experience requiring locked doors and I am still alive. Also if i was still living in the U.S. this medical year would have bankrupted me and I would be living in box shouting at squirrels. I Love Canada. Look out 2010

"Thank You Readers"

I wanted to take a moment to thank the people who have been reading my blog. I am new to blogging and I have to thank a few local bloggers first for inspiring me to keep up producing mumbles from my well known to be damaged mind.

Monica Hamburg ( my first local blog addiction)
Kimli Lulubelle Wangzilla ( what a delightfully disturbed woman )
NetChick ( Tanya) ( for continued support of bloggers & positive thinking)
Sleep Junky  ( your humour and dedication to your dad is inspiring)

I hope to rise to your level someday and will continue to write from my mind, heart & loins ( I just wanted to say loins)

I also want to thank all my friends for reading my thoughts and experiences you are all appreciated especially my limitlessly talented and twisted doppleganger Barney Ashworth you will love his music for you Barney ^^^

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

"Office Geeks Vs, The Suits"

 I work in broadcasting, my office is full of very creative and colourful people for the most part. you can divide the office into 2 categories (not a scientific study) "The journalists / creatives" and "the suits" we pass each other in the halls steal from each other's break room fridges and sometime share DNA. But there are always some people who do not play well with others. I try to understand that not everyone sees the work place as a forum for fun and games like i do but i hope to stir things up some more.
 We have a soul ( i think she has a soul) who hates fun, runs against it at every turn. She tried to censor our desk chachkies by having all office / cubicle decor to be approved by her. So i would have to loose my Stephen Harper weebles doll, assorted hula girl bobble heads, a stuffed squirrel on a surfboard and other prized possessions.
 We spend 40 to 60 hours a week in our work space they become a reflection of who we are and a way to strip the place of the bleak florescent lighting and matching suits and office chairs. So i set my foot down and approached miss fun police in her territory. Guess what her office is a shrine to Jesus. from a WWJD desk calender to a bible not so hidden on her desk. I knew i was in for trouble. My history of having my interns eat bulls balls at the Calgary Stampede, Polynesian theme days, and games of "would you fuck that" leave me doomed in her dungeon of morals. Yet if she can have a bible i can have my stainless steel bed pan as a candy dish. I explained the reason for personal expression and freedom and that creative people censored become less creative and she stopped me like a penis in a sack of angry porcupines.
 What to do next.... My Boss.... she is rational....comes from a creative channel of management and is very very twisted. So much so that when we are all out for a drink she will get the bet going that the slowest average time of bathroom use during the night or afternoon pays the tab. thus creating a triathlon of potty time.  My boss was expecting me after receiving a call and email from the Attila the protector of virtue. Luckily my boss set her straight and said unless someone comes to her offended by an item to keep her nose out of her division. This is a victory for the odd, the free, the misfit toys from x-mas island.
In celebration we will being having a  truce in what we can steal from the suit's kitchen, and we will wear formal wear on the next 4 Fridays for "Formal Fridays" just to show the suits we can dress like adults.

Monday, October 12, 2009

The Safeway Death March, "Grocery Shopping in Vancouver's West End

It's Thanksgiving in Canada so I decided to talk about grocery shopping. The local grocery store I shop at is Safeway, for my NY friends it is like Walbaums but less Jewish. Last year Safeway opened a bright shiny new store to replace the dank dungeon of a store that was there before. Now you can sit at a starbucks (ick) get westernized sushi, the even have a section devoted to nuts called “The Nut Bar”.
But it does not take away from the Bataan Death March that is grocery shopping and Vancouver has its own unique flavor to this experience.
We have wandering Japanese ESL student who will pose for impromptu photo shoots with cans of peas and frozen poultry. The bottle collecting binners who return bags full of collected bottles whose odor makes shopping for food not so appetizing. The interesting staff, like the one armed milf cashier, the deli clerk with a lazy eye, the bitter old customer service hag and the hottie pharmacist with the personality not unlike a mix of sedimentary stone & a bagel. Shopping at my safeway is kinda like visiting the circus side show while getting a prostrate exam.

I have some suggested rules that I feel safeway could enact to make the shopping experience more pleasurable.

1.No Seniors allowed to shop between the hours of 5pm & 8pm & weekends. ( you are all retired and have all day to shop while we work. So stay home and complain about your health issues and ungrateful grandkids during these hours.

2.Create a photo set for the ESL students complete with produce props and a hello kitty back drop so they do not clog the isles posing for pictures like retail artery plaque.

3.Have a little stand for the binners/dumpster divers to return bottles outside in order to save our noses.

4.Do not allow people to use the self checkout if they have produce and or more than 10 items. Fuck it takes hours for people to look up their star fruit and Siberian organic mangoes on the touch screen.

5.Hire more disturbingly interesting staff it gives the place a carnival feel

6.stop charging 5 bucks for kraft dinner delux, you thieves

7.shoot any customer who complains about a 3 cent price difference when it is rush hour.

8.Just because customer has kids does not give them special rights...just because you bumped uglies and squeezed out a carpet climber does not make you superior. Bunnies and rats do that all the time and do not get to go to the front of the line.

9.Have mobility scooter races on Mondays and allow wagering with meat products.

10.Stop making me feel guilty for not rounding up my change for your charity of the week. If you did not charge 5 bucks for kraft dinner delux I may have had a few extra cents for midgets with irritable bowel syndrome

If you have any grocery store stories or rule suggesting feel free to leave them in my comments.
“Clean up on Isle Three”!!!!!

Friday, October 9, 2009

My Trip to Afghanistan, "A Disfuntional Travel Guide"

I just returned from a assignment in the pleasurable resort country of Afghanistan, a place full of wonder and beauty, if beauty to you is, brown mountains, goats who have more rights than women, and a good chance you will be blown up on a afternoon road trip.

 Not wishing to bore you will the usual crap about this lovely stan country that you can receive on any news webpage or ranting out of the mouth of a conservative wing nut tv or radio commentator i will instead provide a post of travel tips and observations that my only my booze and pork deprived mind could muster after 2 & half weeks in the land of rocks and poppies.

So looking for some adventure travel? tired of club med or a all inclusive resort spa in Mexico. Well maybe a trip to Afghanistan is for you. That is if you like dust and donkey meat wraps.

 There are many ways to book your flight, you can join the army and get a nice flight on cargo plane with lovely fabric webbing seats and army rations as a inflight meal ( they are better than the crap air Canada offers and fresher) or you can fly into Pakistan and take a lovely scenic mule ride across the border with your sweet Taliban guide.

 Once in country you need a place to stay. i recommend the bed & breakfasts they are just like the ones here except for roaming chickens, feral dogs and no sweet gay couple managing them ( they were all beheaded a few years back) The beds are comfy and close to the floor if you need to duck from a truck bomb or joyous AK-47 celebratory gun fire. The concierge  will assist you in finding your kidnapped mate for a couple of bucks and your watch and can organize side trips to see the lovely Opium vineyards and rusted russian tank museum.

 Food we all love a good ethnic meal hell Vancouver is full of these places and you pay alot more and have to eat with people from Yaletown . The local food is an adventure, goat and donkey kababs and for you vegans there are plenty of bean dishes. If you are not into dining at the petting zoo one of the things we have brought the lovely people of Afghan is American fast food. Forget about building schools and hospitals they need, KFC, Pizza hut, and burger king. And if you are looking for that spa weight loss experience you are in luck. The local dysentery will shed those pounds right off.

 The entertainment options are more diverse than Granville street in Vancouver ( wait that is not saying much but at least there are no douchebags in Ed Hardy shirts in Kabul) If you are like me and inclined to enjoy a little booze you are out of luck. But if you like games of kick the cluster bomblets, or cock fighting you are in heaven. Do not miss the strip bars they actually show their eyes it is all very risqué and quite arousing.

 as you can see a vacation in Afghanistan maybe just what you are looking for and you never know you could even leave with a nice prosthetic leg  a intestinal parasite or a out of control heroin addiction as a free reminder of your stay.