Saturday, February 27, 2010
With the finish line in sight of our country's and city's hosting of the world in the 2010 Winter Olympic games it is time for me to talk about being Canadian. I am Canadian born in Montreal raised by Immigrant and second generation Canadians, but for reasons of economic opportunities we moved to the US when i was very little. Culturally i was American as I knew very little of my birth country's history and culture, raised in the glow of stars and stripes I felt American how could I not it was all I really knew. Yes I identified as a Canadian but I knew little about my birthplace other than Montreal where most of our family remained.
We traveled a lot to Montreal, I loved and love that city to me *IT* was canada. To me my grandparents were Canada, my wonderful, talented and crazy aunt was Canada. Canada to me was my loving family. I remember my grandfather gave me a 45 record of "Oh Canada" which I played on my little record player over and over eventually wearing it out and driving my parents crazy in the process.
I for some reason Identified my self as Canadian first. It was a place of love and safety for me, a gentle oasis. So when my wife died 5 years ago and I was seeking a place to hide, to lick my emotional wounds and the U.S. lost it's technocolor luster I decided to move back to Canada. I was a new Canadian I was walking in the shoes of so many who have come here for the promise our wonderful land promises so many. A place of opportunity, acceptance, kindness, humility and abstract beauty.
I had to learn Canadian customs, lingo, culture just like a new immigrant..I fell in love with my birthplace, my motherland, and my grandparents all over again. I learned that I was always Canadian as even if I was raised in the States my parents raised me with pure Canadian values.
During these games, during this amazing swell of Canadian Patriotism in a place where we all know and have heard about our usual modesty, I get tearful by watching "all" Canadian new arrivals from across the globe from different cultures and different colours wearing "our" flag and colours. For me it is proof that that experiment that is Canada works, that we are a kind and welcoming people.
This past week a friend of mine from Scotland moved here (this is Liz's Blog http://lizkearsley.wordpress.com/ ) and this week she bought a Canada Toque she has been to a hockey game, she is on her way to being Canadian, I look forward to sharing in her discovering of our country our people our beauty.
I love my country, my home which welcomed me back like I was never away, my safe harbour in the world. Now that the world has seen us we are not a secret anymore...So Canada and Canadians do not keep our Patriotism secret anymore as well......
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Am I a tree, I know I am strong, I know I have deep roots, but am I am tree. Do others seek me for shade when they need to be shielded. I am I a place where visitors can measure time, where they can place me as a yard a shield still of time, a constant.
Am i a tree, a place of comfort where one can can come and know they are not alone. A steadiness in winds of change, a reminder of earth when earth seems so distant. I am I a tree when my falling leaves, my memories, joy and love can leave me and lift another.. I try to be a tree.. but a tree is alone.. providing it's comfort only to others who seek it's protection. Only to those who find a cooling kindness in it's shade.
I am a tree to those who seek my gentle peace....
Friday, February 19, 2010
The touch of a human is in my opinion one of the greatest gifts on earth. It bridges our humanity in ways that cannot be imitated, or replaced. I was lucky to be raised in a way that touching people was not only ok, but encouraged, hugs for the sake of hugs are common in my world.
I need a tactile connection with people it is like air to me, it makes me feel safe, loved, and connected. It reminds me of human kindness and it feel really damn good. Some people seem to not need or like touch, for what ever reason and some I understand and others i do not, but people who do not or cannot show affection thru touch kinda creep me out i do not feel emotionally safe with them.
The degrees and type of touch vary, from compassion, friendship to romantic and erotic and they all mean much to me;
The touch of a friend that warm hospitality of a hug or the encouraging pat on the back or shoulder is like a shield that keeps loneliness at bay. It reminds us of being part of a bigger thing, allows us to be open to seek joy in the company of others.
The touch of compassion, this simple act which when we are low or in pain is healing, compassionate touch is selfless as selfless can get..I am lucky and a better man because of receiving and giving this physical sign of caring.
The Touch of Romance, we all love this or I would like to think we all do. The gentle touch of a lower back, holding and grasping hands in such a way you would think if let go the world would disapear. A hand on my cheek will make me melt, it takes me to a place that I feel sexy, desired, and I know at that moment I am all that matters, nothing else exists at that moment, and when combined with a kiss is the best thing in the world.
The Erotic Touch, that smooth exploration of another's body hands fingers wandering, feeling the response of your lover and focusing on them, as you respond to their touch in kind. This energy is incredible, it creates a connection, intimacy, and passion.
Do not over look the real importance of touch in your life, allow it to remind you that you are loved, let it carry you when you cannot carry yourself, invite it show you passion, connection and your inner sexiness. Breath in the people in your life so go hug someone, touch someone's hand.. Kiss your lover, partner, or someone you always wanted to kiss. Feel the connection to humanity that only the touch of someone can bring.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
The earth rotates so we can see Light & Darkness, one not being better than the other. Light brings with it life, warmth, startling beauty. It lets us see moviates us to move, to create, to celebrate. But we forget what darkness brings us. It brings us peace, it rests us so we can create and love again when light returns. It fills us with wonder makes us ask questions, it's removal of detail facilitates our imaginations to fill the voids our eyes cannot see. It is mystery, it is brief moments of fear.
There are two parts to me, both light and dark... I think we all have this as it is another part of the balance of humanity. But it is what we do with these that defines us.
For the Light in me is my ability to love, to share, finding joy in the joy of others. My ability to make people laugh, and alot of the times at my expense. My light is in my touch, my warmth passes from me to the one who i am focused on. My light is my passion, passion for what and who I believe in, passion to speak for others who have no voice or cannot speak. My light is my beliefs... in people...in humanity... in self... My life is my creativity, which still allows me to see the world with childlike awe. My light is my curiosity which moves me in my life process of education and quest for knowledge.
My Darkness in me is two things like the above a balance to light. My darkness sooths others when they cannot sleep. My darkness brings others wonder and and helps fill in the things that darkness hides from us. My darkness is also what I have seen in my adult life as a journalist. I have witnessed so much horror, war famine, man's sometimes truly unspeakable inhumanity to man.
This has changed me yes, it only has made my light brighter. I can be called dark, my humor, stark un-edited thoughts and ideas. These do scare people, whom do not understand this darkness. Because it may rub off, it may block the light, it may poison the well. This is true for some people who have seen darkness like I have, but not me. I take that painful blackness and turn it into light for them it remains mostly hidden in a place within me that it cannot or will not escape. I am the caretaker of this pain I have seen, not allowing it to move to darkness others.
What makes me..me is this balance without what I have experienced I would not be who I am.. good or bad.. I love who I am, I work to be better yes. But my core will always be my core never changed, never compromised, never complacent
Monday, February 8, 2010
I know what you are saying, "Moose men do not write about such things", but I am not if you haven't figured out yet a typical man by any stretch of ones imagination.
Attraction is elusive, hard to define, as varied as the colours of sunsets around the globe. Still we all seek to rope it in define it tame it's effects on us. This can not be done. I will not be foolish or narcissitic enough to tell you what it is for you, but I will attempt to explain it from my eyes and heart.
For me I do not have a type physically, yes I find alot of woman of all sizes, races, types beautiful. But there is more to attraction than beauty alone, and I have yet to grasp in detail how it grabs my attention.
I do know that I love a smile, that smile a woman has that speaks of kindness, childlike wonder, sexiness and a veiled naughtiness. A smile that makes me warm when it is -20 out. A smile that will not let me go across a room of people. This smile says to me you are special. There is nothing I love to kiss more than this kind of smile. Looking at my past loves, crushes, relationships this is one of the common themes.
Humor, make me laugh and i will melt like brie in the sun. A funny witty woman come with such playfulness she says to me, Hi lets play, life with me will never be boring, when needed you will laugh at me to remind me to be humble, you will make me laugh when you do not know I am watching. I will fill myself by watching you laugh with others or just yourself. There is no wonder why most people say humor is so sexy.
Kindness, simple right? No truly kind people are created they are the effect of the actions of people they encountered through their life. Kindness is sexy... it says to me I am a warm place where you can feel safe. Your harbour in a dark stormy night. Kindness can carry a romance under stress like a cradle. Watching you deliver your kindness to others make you beautiful to me. It reminds me of love, love of self and love of others.... this is very erotic to me.
Shared vision, I do not need to love everything you do nor do I have to be a mirror of you to be attracted to you. but a shared soul of vision and values is also sexy because it tells me that I will not walk alone. that even if we both see a different leaf we can see the commonality of it's beauty.
Then there is for me being tactile, i love to be touched so a person who hugs touches a shoulder, places a hand in the small of my back for just a second is attractive to me. I am attracted to the way you touch your friends, strangers, family. Because warmth is sexy...
Comfort in one's self, independence mixed with a desire to share one's self with others. A swagger, the way you carry yourself, oh so very sexy strength of self is in a woman if it is not arrogance.
Intelligence, is for me a deal breaker. I get turned on by a mind, someone who likes to talk, shares ideas, dreamers are very sexy to me. A person who strives through knowledge to make the world around them and far away from them a better place. You want to make me yours show me your mind and I will follow you home. Show me your ignorance and I do not care how hot you are, you just became unattractive.
These are the things I know makes a woman attractive to me. They enhance and create physical beauty. For me these are just a few things I can identify that makes a woman attractive to me I am sure there are many others, not to mention the little things.
Yes Physically I like the curve of a woman, skin I want to touch all day. Eyes that smile, flirt, calm, and show gentleness. will drive me nuts.
But at the end of the day... The woman who is what I wrote about above is breathtaking, more powerful than any river, or sea.
pic my me "Bora Bora"
Sometimes I wish I was that guy who does not wears his heart on his sleeve.
Sometimes I wish I was that guy who does not seek depth
Sometimes I wish I was that guy who does not need love
Sometimes I wish I was that guy who does not follow his own path
Sometimes I wish I was that guy who does not appear average
Sometimes I wish I was that guy who does not want to hide from people
Sometimes I wish I was that guy who does not care so much
Sometimes I wish I was that guy who does not see what he sees
Sometimes I wish I was that guy who does not hear what he hears
Sometimes I wish I was that guy who does not feel what he feels
Yes I do at times feel this way, I will try and deny or refuse who I truly am in order to make life easier. But I am no good at self denial, for it always causes me more pain that experiencing the things that I mentioned above. Before you read too much into this post, it is just a confession of something that I think we all do. We sometimes doubt ourselves.
I do Love the person I am today, that was not always the case though. I fought a battle within myself. A battle pitting the part of my mind that over analyzes my thoughts in a push to protect my heart. I dare to say a emotional flight or fight response to feelings.
I was chatting with a friend tonight who was going through a rough day, day that one will question one's emotions, decisions, and to a degree themselves. I tried in to explain that we can never deny who we are and what we need to be happy. To not follow what our hearts tell us and allow our over rational self defense to keep us from being true to what we feel will always come back to haunt us in the end.
It will leave us questioning ourselves more and more which in some tail chasing way makes us listen to our wall even more, and eventually leaves our souls and hearts empty and cold.
So even if I sometimes wish I was not that guy, I am that guy. And if being that guy gets me hurt from time to time that is ok with me. Because i would rather have some emotional battle scars. Than to never have lived, to have hidden myself in some rational mind prison that locks me away from the beauty of life, love and happiness. If i never took emotional risks in my life, I never would have followed my dreams in my career, I most likely would have picked a safe, calm traditional job and been miserable. If i never opened my heart to be broken I never would have met, fell in love, been the best friend to my wife, even when my rational mind said no, she is not quite right there maybe another someone who seems a better fit. If I never opened my ears to listen I would never have heard so many stories which moved me, and changed my life. If I never opened my eyes and allowed my heart to see the beauty of humanity I would be doing my vocation, world, community any service.
So what I am saying today is allow yourself to risk the chance of emotional pain because the pay off is amazing, and cannot truly be explained.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Hi all, yes I will be having my first ever contest!!! well not your usual contest online I can promise that for sure. You and another person could win Airfare to Hawaii or a Alaska Cruise from me not a sponsor. In PIMP MY BADGER!!!
details will follow soon...............................
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Events as you know in my life have given me at least one gift. The gift of self reflection. When I beat this I will be given the life version of a school yard do over, a chance to follow my heart and soul.
I love what I do, I feel it is important and relevant. It has given me a voice for others when they have not had a voice. I wish to continue this but in a different forum. I recently met a person who shares with me the value of story telling, which has been the venue for cultures since the beginning of time to share history, family, hopes, dreams, and cultural traditions. It has been a tradition in my culture for ever. Our dinner tables are our stage, family & friends its players. This is a tradition that I hold dear to me.
I have in some ways lost my way. Caught up in the misery of the world, chasing war, famine and the worst of humanity. It has not dried up my soul and I must stop before it does.
So I will leave my career, to focus on the stories of the children of the world. Thru Documentary film making I plan to tell these tales, to empower our world's children to lift up them to be better stewards of this planet that we have marred with our lack of child like wonderment. Both films made by adults and projects to put the camera in the hands of children of the world so they can share their intriguing story with other children. To bridge our youth together in order to create love and peace. I imagine it a global camp fire where kids can teach us what it is to be human in ways only they can.
This will alter my life, I am going to sell my boat, buy a house and film centre in Squamish and create a place for voices... I hope you will all follow and support me in my dream, a dream to once again see the world through kids eyes
Dear Asshat Cancer,
Why have you grown attached to me? Is it my eyes? I doubt it but you do like me i know. How do I know? Because you will not leave me alone, you think my life is your playground.
First time i met you, was when you visited my wife, you like us so much you came to dinner twice and decided to take the one thing in life I loved J.J. You stole her from me in her prime a bright kind amazing women who never lost faith in life, me or kindness. You ripped her away from the earth with no remorse and left me to wonder if i could ever love again. You scarred my soul. You are a shitty house guest.
Then you decided to visit my Mum yes she was 81 and had a wonderful life, yes you took her quickly like a thief in the night, so quickly you denied me a moment to say good bye to her, the woman who always loved and supported me. The last women to whom I was a hero. You fucker.
That was not enough was it, no you set your dark cold eyes on me this time. But you waited til I was happy and content in my life, til I was ready to love and be loved again. You waited til i believed and had a heart again. Then you knocked on my door like the fuller brush man of sorrow.
Now you fuck with me... ok , i get that. but you also fuck with people who care about me. You make them fear getting close to me, you make them worry, you sick soulless fucker. Once again you are trying to deny me joy & love. You attempt to make me hard, to crawl back into my loneliness and isolation. I can deal with the pain and fear for you taught me to be strong against that sword you wheel, but I hate being sad, lonely, I hate that you make me feel unlovable, ugly and worthless.
I will beat you, because I must, because you will not get me, make me dust, steal my soul before it is time. My desire to love again is too strong for you, my joy of life depletes your power, my inner strength is a shield against your hate. So go now, your not welcome around my house anymore. I will not give you power. You are a asshole who no one likes. So FUCK YOU for hurting the ones I love & care about. Good Riddance............................
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
This is a blog, yes it is, but I am not writing for profit or a career but alot of writers and bloggers I know are or would like to, so why is it that I feel the online world a digital sweatshop?
Traditional media of which I work in was and is slow to discover and recognize social media. Some outlets are being dragged into it kicking and screaming, like so many spoiled luddites. Other outlets see social media for what it is right now, a all you can eat buffet of free content.
It is both the fault of bloggers and the greedy traditional media who in these times of poor ratings / circulations see blood in the water and use our independent social media writers like Nike uses 8 year old Vietnamese kids to make $200 sneakers. They exploit bloggers and attract them with a promised audience and little more. Some times they will throw you a bone like our local daily throw away paper The Metro News who promises free coffee from Blenz in return for blog posts. This is like being told you have a job and only paying you in goats.
They are not the only ones, lots of media have jumped on the digital sweatshop and are exploiting our writers, photographers, videographers. Just look at CNN's very popular i-reporters who are given a tee-shirt and a thank you while CNN saves money hires less staff, and make ad money off the backs of social media.
Are Bloggers to blame? Yes in the sick dysfunctional way that only a chronically abused spouse could. It is time for social media to say enough is enough. To say if you love my content pay me! And not pennies a word. It is also the fault of writers seeking attention and fame who will undercut other writers / bloggers for working for crap pay & or a few free dinners or swag. Stop it you are only cutting your own necks open.
There are those who make a living blogging or should I say Advertising in list form. These folks hide their mercenary behavior in blog form and also take advantage of bloggers in their community by occasionally throwing them a bone of access. This is like eating your own kind.
It is time for bloggers and others in social media to stand up and say no, no pay no words, no images, no access that I have but the big guy either will not pay for or does not understand. Enough of the Digital Sweatshop of which we get angry about when it is a physical one. You all write write about this, the largest exploitation of writers since the penny a word writers of the 40s.
Monday, February 1, 2010
In my last post I stated that I would be bringing the shutters down on my public life and my blog. As the days passed the thought of deleting and ending this experiment would make me very sad. I hate being sad, it makes me ugly inside and out.
This is why I am writing now about happiness, which despite the makings of being all around us and best of all free, we struggle the most in finding. As our lives mature and become more complex we find it harder to define and create our happiness. Just watch how two simple things makes a child beam with happiness, a shovel and a sand box. Simple the ability to find simple things fun, and exploration of new experiences makes children happy. Why then do we all struggle?
There are lots of reasons i believe, social pressure for social norms, our chase to be loved, and expectations on us created by media. I think these are common self talk we create that inhibits our easy of finding happiness;
- " If I had just some more money It would make it easier to be Happy" ( Yes money can free us to enjoy more things but it does not bring happiness only the veneer of happiness. I have seen some very very happy poor people.)
- "If I found that "one" love i would be happy". ( not true because a single person cannot make you happy)
- "If I was thinner, taller, shorter, less hairy, more hairy, prettier, etc. i would be happy". ( Whole unadulterated Cow Shit chasing these will drive us mad and make us miserable. Taking pride in how you look goes along way to making one feel better but chasing ideals does not)
I have experienced true Love more than once, this has filled me, lifted me up and allowed me to see happiness all around me. I can now experience sadness knowing that I can find happiness when I need it. Today I am the luckiest man on earth & a happy one knowing that, I have happy people, friends, family around me. Who always remind me in the most glorious ways that happiness is everywhere like air....
I will end this post in this statement. "I feel that the biggest destroyer of happiness is complacency, the world offers us so much if we are not complacent."
Follow your hearts a little more than your minds and seek joy!!!!