The Emperor Has No Toque

"The Badger is Moving"

2010-12-18T17:05:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone, I am happy and excited to announce that I am moving my blog to it's own domain name effective now. TheBipolarbadger.com is the new home to The Emperor Has No Toque, and I hope you all follow me there. While blogger has been very good to me, I feel that now that I have developed more readers it was time to get my own website. I have moved all my posts, comments and pics to the new site. I look forward to seeing you all there. If you were nice enough to add me to your blog roll, I would appreciate it if you updated to TheBiPolarBadger.com . Again thank you for all your support.

"Words of Kindness From What Seems Like The AntiBadger"

2010-12-16T23:23:00.000-08:00

I am not know for my words of kindness and thanks, as I am usually seen as, somewhat polarizing and pretty dark. But I can not resist this post as it needs to be said. In a age where we have seem to have rotated back to the Me, Me,Me attitude of the 80s I am moved to emotions at the pure selfless kindness of others of late. You see, I am not always the nicest guy and I am capable of some pretty awful interpersonal issues. Yet despite my relationship dysfunctions people have been very kind to me and I am not sure why but I appreciate it and it makes me want to become a better man.

I have had other people whos kindness has made me want to be a better man in my life one example is my late wife. I was a real train wreck when we met, worse than I am now, I know hard to imagine, but she saw some kindness and good and motivated me to be a better person.

So now, after my season of devastating personal emotional collapse and relationship boundary destruction people have still reached out to me, and have supported me in my mental and physical battles. I have had amazing words and acts of support which have moved me emotionally and deeply. I have had support from a friend who I had recently hurt badly by my actions who, put herself second to make sure I was ok after surgery. These are acts of true human kindness and caring in a manner which I cannot ignore.

To Ignore these outreaches and acts would be a affront to the people who reached out, It would be a insult to them and their compassion if I did not take these gifts and work to become a better man. Now motived by these souls I will work on being a better friend, man and human. I may not always succeed but if I make a effort to change openly and honestly i will grow as a product. will my sometimes acidic personality go away, probably not and I hope I keep my edge, but I want it to be a better kinder edge.

In this holiday season, when we are so focused on our own lives, families and struggles, I am see the opportunity for myself and others to reach out to people around us, maybe call a person who we cared about but hurt us or who we have hurt and work to mend some fences, even if the outcome is not a return to closeness that we once had, a repaired respect and friendship is an amazing gift from others. So I will take the gift of kindness that has been so freely given to me and move it forward outward, maybe just maybe I can help someone else like others helped me.

"One Block A Tale of Two Caregivers"

2010-12-16T07:23:00.000-08:00

This is a personal observation on the two separate levels of care within one institution of medicine. On Tuesday I entered Vancouver General Hospital for surgery on my spine, from the moment I began at the admitting desk friendly and supportive staff guided me to my pre-op care, where nurses prepared me, and doctors met with me and soon I was in the OR. All the time no one asked me with repeated questions or preconceived ideas of why I was there, or second guessing me. To them I was a man in pain with a medical condition that needed to be treated and they did so in a respectful manner. After I recovered I was taken to a modern hospital room which was clean, with TVs and a amazing nurse who showed real concern with my bladder and post op urination problems. She was always making sure I was comfortable and not in too much pain. I was treated by wonderful doctors who visited with me often and involved me in my own care with openness and candidness. I was treated with respect and dignity.

In the early Fall I was severely depressed and made my way to Vancouver General Hospital emerg to seek care for pain, not physical mind you but pain all the same. I was shuffled off on a gurney down a side hallway where I was placed in different patient clothing than the folks there for physical treatment. I was questioned over and over again, telling my life story, my fears, and my experience with attempted suicide with a discounted no so caring manner. Treated to some degree like I was a hinderence to their emergency room duties. I was seen by two doctors who talked at me not to me, and I was shuffled off the the Pysch Unit.

In the Psych unit a block away from the modern, clean room I would eventually have my surgery, I was greeted by a old run down building, not so clean, old 70s beds, and dim lighting. The nurses stayed behind the counter treating most interactions with patients like it was a confrontation, or like we were pests. rarely reaching out to those of us in pain, again not physical but pain all the same.

In most health care institutions, there is institutional stigma regarding mental illness. Rarely are MH patients treated with warmth, or mutual respect, but usually treated like opposing forces. Very few more facilities are newer, up to date or maintained as well as the physical health side of the coin. Mental Health care even though it serves a large and diverse population is usually the recipient of hand me down facilities and equipment. And yes some hospital staff offer different levels of care for mental health and physical health patients.

This two sides of the same coin became very clear to me as I was in the same hospital in recent stays one for my physical health and the other for my mental health. While I was in my room recovering from my surgery I looked out my window and could see the building that I was once a patient in a patient in pain. One side of this building had boarded up windows like some old tenement and I knew that a person deserving the same dignity and respect that I was receiving was getting the second tier of care. Stigma is not always verbal, sometimes it is brick and morter, policy professional attitude, and this needs to change.

In the coming years thanks to a single generous donor is funding a new purpose built mental health centre will be built at VGH. Our community is lucky to have received such a wonderful gift. But still attitudes cannot be funded and must change from within, and with education, compassion and care.

"What Happens in Crazy Does Not Stay in Crazy"

2010-12-12T00:30:00.000-08:00

Photo by Liz Kearsley

For over a year I have been writing very openly about my life living with mental illness, and when I began little did I know the impact that it would have on me. My decision to blog openly, discussing my life's dirty secrets, fears, neurosis and other mental minefields was at the time a easy one. Hoping that by doing so I could just maybe make a difference in the way people view, people living with a mental illness as well as helping myself.

   I never really carried any shame with my Bipolar Disorder, I came to a personal place where it was not something to be ashamed of. Blogging all the while I was a inpatient in the Psych Ward and undergoing what some see as a controversial treatment of ECT was I no brainer as the treatment worked for me and I felt it should be talked about in the open. Yet I carried the shame and stigma of my other disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, as it carries much heavier stigma than Mood Disorders do. You see people can understand the chemical medical reasons for Mood Disorders, but not their uglier step sibling Personality Disorders. Just saying it says, "Damn there must be something really fucked up with him, he has a Personality Disorder", which has no biological reason it is behavioral in nature and little understood.

  I admit that I do carry shame with my BPD, it makes me fear being around people as it might and has caused interpersonal relationships to fail. I can explain Bipolar in a reasonable manner. It for all it's craziness is predictable and fairly easy to control. But I cannot explain why I do the things I do that are attached to my BPD, and when asked by others I am at a complete loss, it baffles me and rides me deeper into my already existent depression. It is like gas on my depressive fire.

Blogging about myself in a personal manner has put me out there exposed for everyone to see, the good and the brutally ugly. But I cannot put the cat back in it's bag that is the reality of personal blogging, the self exposure. While I may been seen as a crazy asshole to many, I hope that some still can see the decent man that is intertwined with his illness. A man that is yes on one side very ill and tortured by said illness, yet still tries to be kind.

I am not sure if I still have a audience for my words or friendship, or if my blog make any difference in anyone's life or moves to assist in breaking down some of the walls of Mental Health stigma? I am battling with ending my public fight with my mind and returning to the safe world of anonymity. I am well aware that I am a polarizing personality that some find me to be pest upon the social media community. I also know that I have some friends who still despite myself are still my friends and support me. But I am scared to continue blogging and that is the rub. That if I continue to write so openly and personally I will do more harm than good.

  On Tuesday I will undergo my first spinal surgery and this is scaring the crap out of me. Why? Not because of the surgery it's self. I have little fear of dying or my chances of paralysis. I am scared because I know I am doing this pretty much alone. Much of my support system is either dead, out of town, or I have driven away. In a final act of "Fuck You Steve" my brain is having the last word, saying that I do not deserve the support I so greatly wish for, that this is the price I will pay this Holiday season for my shitty disorder that  I do not understand or did anything to bring on myself.

Living so openly with mental illness can at the same moment be destructively painful and the ultimate in freedom. I have and am experiencing both and battling with effects of being crazy and out. I wish I was a better role model for mental health. But I am just trying to be a role model to myself because that is all I have right now.

"Tomatoes, Handcuffs & Prisons Dirty Little Secret"

2010-12-05T18:23:00.000-08:00

   The U.S. Prison system's dirty little secret is it's connection to providing cheap labour for private industry. For years prisons used inmate labour, on prison farms, and prison industries like making officer furniture and school desks for the states the reside in. While it is acceptable and encouraged for inmates to hold jobs and providing affordable products for use by the state, soon and quietly the scope of these industries have changed.

  One state in particular has in the last 15 years become harsher in it's penal system, Arizona. The state of Arizona declared war on crime and one county and one Sheriff in particular have become famous for it's treatment and prosecution of crime. Maricopa County and the self declared toughest Sheriff in the Country,
Joe Arpaio. Sheriff Joe is currently under investigation by the US Justice Dept. for corruption.

Sheriff Joe along with the Governor of Arizona both helped pass the toughest and most questionable immigration policy in the US this spring, what is just coming to light is that law was also financially supported by the private prison industry. It seems that Arizona wants as many people as possible in it's public and private prisons.

  Here is where it gets very dark, and the story that few are talking about. The other night while on the phone with my friend John in NY, we browsing the Arizona State Prison website, looking at inmate photos, crimes and sentences. The ADC website also lists where the inmates are working in the prison and how much they are making per hour. It is well established that inmates make very little, between .15 & .50 a hour working various labour jobs within the prison. So while searching we found a job called "EuroFresh". we were both curious to what that job could be, so we hit the Google and guess what we found?

"EuroFresh"  is a commercial Tomato Farm, providing tomatoes to the retail and commercial food industry. Their website says nothing about prison labour. We also found another job called "Hickman Eggs", well good old "Hickman Family Farms" website is full of family farm focused marketing, ecards about eggs, and videos of what a family operation it is, but they fail to mention they use hundreds of inmates as labour.

It is of no surprise that the State of Arizona does not want migrant Mexican workers in it's agro industry when they are profiting of inmates. \why pay a migrant worker 4.00 a hour when they can pay a inmate .40 a hour?

Is the State of Arizona and others providing private business with cheap labour when unemployment is at 10%? Are Judges and prosecutors sending people to prison for small non violent offences in order to supply private agro industry with a cheap never ending supply of workers?

  The largest employer in the United States is the Prison System, providing millions of workers, producing profit for large corporations. In my opinion this is creating a secret slave labour state and could implicate states in human trafficking. So next time you buy eggs or tomatos or god knows what, it just might be produced by some guy or girl who got caught with a bong.

"My Second Coming Out"

2010-12-04T11:29:00.000-08:00

I have done it again, I lied to a friend after I promised not to lie again. I have in a previous blog talked about the fact that I have a problem with lying. Through out my life I have hurt people close to me and have made it difficult and painful to be close to me. I am also aware that by admitting this I am at risk of loosing whatever friends I may left or am beginning to develop as trust is a issue that once breeched is almost impossible to regain.

I have openly discussed my bipolar disorder, and while it carries a stigma of it's own The other disorder I have carries a larger one. I also have Borderline Personality Disorder. I have lived in denial of this for many many years because of image that is attached to it. Coming out with this is not easy nor is it some kind of excuse or erasure of my actions.

I accept full responsibility for my actions I am aware that it is damaging and hurtful and that the many will seek to distance themselves from me because of it. I am not seeking sympathy, I am writing this out of complete shame, I am in my heart a good person, but lying is barrier that destroys every relationship it touches so I am unable to be the good person that lies beneath.

I have known about my Borderline Personality Disorder since I was a teen but rejected it. I did not want this label, because with it comes a great social stigma. denying it for so many years has caused so much damage and turmoil in my life, yet I was never at a point where I could admit this to myself or others and in doing so created great pain for those around me and myself.

Coming out publicly on this blog for all the world to see may just be my bottom, like a alcoholic or addict, only once a person reaches their bottom can they get help. I may very well loose many more people in my life now and that is a fact I must accept. But I am tired of living like this, welcoming and celebrating one side of my mental health, while ignoring and denying another.

I will seek help for this and will until I am on some kind of path to recovery, distance myself further from most people, until I am sure that the chances of me emotionally hurting others has lessened. I will still take care of my other medical needs and will face my upcoming surgery on Friday and in the New Year ahead. While my continued physical battles will probably be faced alone, I am prepared for that as well as that may just be for the best.

To all I have hurt, I am deeply sorry and I am aware that my word means little, if you so choose to revisit a friendship with me in the future, thank you, if not, I fully understand.

.

"Did Your Crazy Person Take Their Meds Today"

2010-12-02T13:21:00.000-08:00

One common theme in my life since I came out as "Crazy" to be not so politically correct is Stigma I get from friends and loved ones. I am aware that many times in my life, my behaviors, and actions have given for good reason people in my life to pause and think, "Well Steven is Bipolar so I expect him to be a fuck up". This is a tendency that a lot of people roll into when they have a friend or loved one living with a mental illness.

  The people around us tend to think that we will go bat shit crazy at every and any moment of stress or crisis. While yes sometimes we do react to stressors differently than "Earth People", we do not always fall apart when someone over cooks our bacon, or tofu for you vegan freaks out there. I have and have had friends who will talk to me like I am egg rolling on the edge of the countertop just about to fall. I to have faced to assumption that my illnesses effects stops me from making any sound decisions in my life.

  These behaviors from people around us can lead us to closet our illness and not talk openly about them. So many other people I know who live every day with a mental illness will always mention this one nag that grates on them worse than Nancy Grace on 5 cans of 4Loco. " Have you taken your meds?"

While I understand the worry and concern comes from a loving place, it usually seems like when ever we get excited about something or sad about something, someone, somewhere will ask us about our meds. Even when taking meds our moods may change, our illness may manifest in different ways, but it does not mean we are advancing in our illness or facing Thumper in the rabbithole.

Being open about Mental Illness brings on whole new sets of Stigma, and a lot of it comes from a loving place. Yes when I am manic I get sewing machine legs, I also get it when I am excited, or nervous. Same with my rapid talking. It comes and goes with my mood and will become pronounced when I am riding my Manic Unicorn to Fruitloopville.

  If someone you know is living with a mental illness, yes look out for them, I appreciate it when it done for me. But try and resist the "Have you taken your meds" line of questioning. It is a pet peeve of most of us with a mental illness. Also to others out there try and not assume that because we live with a mental illness that our cognitive skills are less than yours. I am lucky to have amazing people in my life who see me not me with a illness. That is the most difficult thing for anyone who knows someone with a serious mental illness to do, is to see the person, not the person with a disease. I am also blessed to have a best friend who sees me as me.

"What Nightmares May Come"

2010-11-26T16:02:00.000-08:00

I have always dreamed vivid realistic dreams. I am also quite frequently able to awake and return to my dreams where I left off. This is great when it is a good dream but not when I am having a nightmare. Last night was one of those nightmare nights.

Restless sleep mixed with a vivid never ending nightmare, which transfered into my awake state enough to leave me confused about my surroundings are bad enough. But Mix that with a nightmare of being committed to mental hospital by my father with the help of my friends only to be told they would never see me again, no one would, made last night's experience brutal. In my dream I was wandering the hospital looking for a way home in my gown, only to get turned around and returned to my bed. Then I would wake up and think I was in my dream.

My mind was caught in circle of thought, asleep I was back in the asylum, awake I was dreading returning the asylum and had panic attacks every time I awoke. As I am writing this hours later it is still fresh in my mind and have been mildly traumatized all day. I am off my emotional game today big time.

Psychotropic drugs used to treat mental illness can cause intense dreams and nightmares. It is just something you have to live with. But every once and awhile the perfect storm of restless sleep and nightmares strikes and I am still surprised at the emotional toll it can take on me. Part of it is the subject of my evening, a fear of a lot of people living with mental illness is being committed to a hospital, mix this will trippy confusing visuals and the sleep - consciousness crossing and it becomes a micro mental health event. Lets hope tonight is all rainbows and fucking unicorns or just a plain of no dream sleep.

"1985, The Xmas That Started My Holiday Crazies"

2010-11-18T17:26:00.000-08:00

I don't usually write much about my past especially the painful parts, the family parts. The parts that have very slow healing wounds and leave long lasting scars. But I will write about one such event, that is one of the triggers of my holiday season crazies.

I was a older young person and It was my freshman year in university, and my battle with BiPolar Disorder was in it's relative infancy. My family had planned a huge get together in Vermont so the Canadian & American families could all be together at the same time. They had rented a lodge, planned a cool trip to a maple syrup factory and skiing in nearby New Hampshire. I was excited, I love the country in the winter, that crisp clean feeling, the smell of a fireplace. Which to this day is one of my favorite things.

The problem was, I was not well entering the holiday season. My Mania was running wild and soon I was living in the land of rapid cycling. I spent my semester's money on booze, and side trips. Living a life larger than I could afford. I was loud and treated my family with verbal barbs when they tried to rein me in for my own good. I soon crashed and was again suicidal. I attempted to hang myself only to fail and found myself in hospital in NYC.

You can imagine the scene in a NYC psch ward, it was a zoo, and me going from 100mph to 0 at a days notice. But for me it was about to get worse. My family convinced my parents to leave me in hospital and come on vacation. They said, "Steven is sick and does not need you right now, what you need is time away from him". This was told to me at a later time by my Mum. My parents caved into the request and soon left for Vermont.

I was locked in a ward at xmas, they decorated with paper only. Because anything else could be used as a weapon. The xmas lights and tree were hidden behind that glass that has the wire in it and we could watch holiday movies from behind the TV's plexiglass cover. The whole xmas season, I received no visits, no calls, no contact from my family. They were all off in the place I had hoped to be, but my mind would not allow.

My parents on return apologized for leaving me saying they had no choice and later my aunt told me to stop whining my parents needed a break from the shit I was starting. After that experience I always grasped onto the holidays, holding them as a important barometer to my social, family health my belonging.

I was lucky for many years my holidays with my wife were always great, filled with friends and family, yet I was always worried I would be left out. Jay would have to comfort me in the weeks leading to them, reassuring me that I would not be left alone.

Family can make mistakes, they are allowed, and it is only human. I forgave my parents and understand they made a bad choice when they were also not in the right frame off mind. Mental Illness, stresses families into tough places. It strips them of control. I may never feel comfortable or settled this time of the year. My holiday in hospital, alone may stay will me forever. But I am not totally alone. I do have many people who care for me as I do them. I just get a little nuts this time of year.

"An Apology From My Heart"

2010-11-18T13:42:00.000-08:00

Yesterday's post, came from a place in my mind ruled by, depression, and fear. In doing so I hurt and insulted some people whom I see as my closest friends and people who have stood by me when I have been at my lowest and not just when I am at my Healthiest.

First I have to apologize to my best friend, a women who has so many times looked after me when I was down, A woman who dispite the diffulculty of raising two great kids, taking care of a very ill husband all the while juggling a full time teaching job. Airdrie I am sorry, that my words hurt you. I am sorry if I took your friendship for granted. I have no excuses except my damaged mind, but this is little compared to the hurt I have caused you. You are my best friend, now and always. I appreciate you even if I have difficulty showing it.

To My friends from afar like John, Barney, Eric and Al. Your friendship has been with me for years and too has suffered to some extent from my illness as well. Yet you have always stood by me, especially Al, we grew up together and shared so many day and nights, we know each other more than two people can. I was and am still part of your family, as you are mine. Your family excepted me as their own, and welcomed me into their home when I was at my worst not just my best. A fact that brings me warmth whenever I think of it.
Eric you too have been by my side thru so many things and even if we have not seen each other in years you will always be one of my best friends. Barns, your friendship is fairly new on this list, yet you have too been a good friend, and that was from the moment we met. I look forward to it's growth in the future.
John, I speak to you almost every day, we can talk for hours and these hours help get me through my rough days and lighten up my good ones. We are similar animals on a similar path, your friendship means more to me than I can readily wax on about. But I think you know that.

To anyone else I may have forgotten, my previous blog post was about my sense of loss of family, and my loneliness that seeps in during this time of year. It sparks a ugly behavior like envy when I see others starting to gather My depession can turn me into a person that even I would not be friends with.
I am very and completely sorry and humbled by my friends kindness and love.

"A Season of Loneliness"

2010-11-17T21:46:00.000-08:00

As we enter the beginning of the holiday season and people , friends, family all hunker down with each other to feel the love and the safety that comes with this love, I stand alone.

I once had these kind of holiday seasons, full of friendship, family and love, but they have been slowly stripped from me one brick at a time till my emotional foundation was like the end game piece of a Jenga game. Some of my friends and family are lost to me through natural reasons, people come in your life and people go. I think about a lot of them but they do not hold heavy on my soul. There are the friends and family that have passed away, many of them to were not bricks that held part of my emotional life together.

The ones that hurt, the losses that rip out my soul are those of my close family and friends. This is my first holiday season without any real family or circle of friends. This year it was the loss of my father, before that my mother and before that my best friend, my wife Jay. I have lost friends due to my mental illness and the damage that it causes, some where family but most are friends.

So I sit and watch commercials, shows, news stories, tweets and facebook messages all beginning to talk about the holidays. And they are killing my soul, stealing what is left of my humanity and ability to love. I am dying and there may not be many holiday seasons left for me. But I fear they will all be alone. This is not the time of year to develop new friends and to be welcomed inside from the cold because all are already nesting, planning for the season.

The most difficult thing in my mental illness is the loneliness, that hollow helpless soul crushing loneliness. It forces people to keep a distance but let them close enough for me to see. My best friends, either live to far away, or have a family of their own. There is no blame to be given, I was just the odd one out. I should be grateful ,blah, blah, blah, for what I once had. I am and I miss it.

The one time a year that you know you have and are not a have not is when someone says, "You are welcome here, you for this season are family". I am not alone in this feeling thousands feel it every year, and thousands more will next year.

I am facing my rabbit hole of depression, questioning everything in my life, wondering what I have done wrong and what I can do, if anything to salvage a life out of what I have. A life without people to share it with, the tears, the laughter, the quiet normalcy, is little of a life. For some this is ok, for me years ago this may have been fine. But to me now, after I have tasted the wine of companionship it is not. This season may be a watermark for me. I may get the answer to my pain. The pain and human void that this disease, this horrifically isolating disease has brought me.

"The badger is Bumped Again From Surgery"

2010-11-16T12:21:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning expecting to be writing about my back surgery. But I am not, after waiting all morning in the admissions area of VGH, and not eating and drinking for 12 hours, they once again bumped my surgery.

I am done, I guess the pain which has left me either unable to walk, stand or sit for more than 10 minutes is not enough for them, They keep telling me not to worry but my big surgery is still going to happen after New Years. I am saying FUCK YOU. I am in agony, and have been for all reason bed bound for 2 weeks. I have been once again told to go back to my bed and suffer some more.

Pain alone is a horrible thing, it demoralizes ths best of us. But I am also prone to depression. Depression enjoys pain and uses it to further degrades it's victims and I am degraded, and my depression is worse than usual, I feel abandoned by the healthcare system. I feel like crawling away and never coming back. I feel worthless, because if I was worth something I would get care and not live in pain,

Maybe the pain is karma from the shitty things I have done, maybe I deserve to suffer so. What I do know is that I am very very angry and disappointed and want to curl up and die, because then I would be pain free. But I want to live so there is the rub. Maybe I will just stop moaning online and leave everyone alone. I know you are all tired of my bitching.

"Blogomercials and Social Media Marketing"

2010-11-15T21:08:00.000-08:00

Stop It Already!!! We are bombarded with some kinds of marketing ploy in every venue of our lives it has become a non-stop cacophony of "Buy This", "I Can Make Your This" , blaa blaa blaa bull shit.

I expect it from TV it is for the most part transparent 15 minutes of programming then 3 minutes of ad man noise. Then we had Infomercials, these schlocky hour long advert loosely disguised as a "Talk Show" or "New Magazine Story" to sell us crap that usually does not work. So no wonder the marketers have discovered the easy street that is "The Blog".

When blogging started they were for the most part personal logs from a real person about their lives, They were a window into our friends or people we wanted to be our friends. I liked that, I still for the most part only read personal blogs. So no surprise when the enterprising marketer discovered blogging. They could create digital adverts, or co-op people into a outlet for their digital adverts.

I will continue to support personal blogs and commercial blogs which will place real reviews and critical articles on them. I really like a blog that is commercial like Vancitybuzz.com . He at least will be critical of stuff and it is not all rainbows and unicorns.

If we are not careful, social media will be totally co-oped by marketers and the open speech information sharing that occurs will vanish as people loose trust in the medium.

The blogs that I personally find to be nothing more than at best a arm of marketers and at worst a Blogfomercial. It is the Blogfomercials that really get to me, the use of a media which people associate with real people writing real opinions are nothing more than "Advertising" , Glossed up to or down to look like a personal review or subject of interest.

How do they do this? Well bloggers love clicks, love attention and love free shit. Perfect for marketers, where giving a blogger a free dinner, trip, product in return for a positive experience blog post is cheaper and more effective target advertising than a TV spot, or a ad in the local fishwrapper weekly.

I personally now because of the lack of un-compensated blogs only take product, dinner, event recommendations, from friends or community review sites like Yelp. It is a symbiotic parasitic relationship for the marketers and bloggers. The marketers get cheap promotion, the bloggers get free crap, but the consumer like me gets a non-review review. If you do not believe me, visit some of these blogs, do you ever, ever see a critical restaurant review? Or hear about a dirty room at a hotel? never!

This atmosphere of blogomericals has also taken hold on twitter, especially since it has become the wild west of marketing. Anyone who has ever sold anything, is somewhat tech and social media savy is marketing their wares on twitter now, filling friends streams up with one pitch after another. Me personally would love to see a commercial and non commercial twitter stream.

"It's Me Behind This Wall, Please Stay Tuned"

2010-11-15T14:36:00.000-08:00

My depression is holding steady still good that I am not jumping down the rabbit hole that I have been down so many times. This is probably due to me getting the right meds and actually taking them. Yet I am fighting my demon, my emotional wall.

I tend to force my wall up when I feel fragile or vulnerable. I hate it because I will keep people at a distance and I have been working hard to not due this and have made some strides. Still my mind tells me that I am better off protected. The problem is that I do not want to be alone, I hate it. I try and tell myself that I can have my walls up and still not be alone, I will just go back to surface relationships with people other than the ones I emotionally trust. See I have major abandonment issues.

My abandonment issues started with the sexual abuse that my uncle victimized me with. For year I did not stand up for myself and once I did, half of my family chose sides and sided with my Uncle rather than crazy Steven. I grew up with half a family, crappy holidays, less of a family support system because of me defending myself. My next sense of abandonment came with my discovering that I was adopted. I was a teen, dealing with the usual teen search for a sense of self identity and poof, all I thought of who I was, was gone. I was soon losing friends as my Bipolar Disorder became apparent, more real and imagined abandonment,

I did ok for awhile til my wife got sick and died. She was the first person in my adult life to accept me for what and who I was, did not judge me and loved me until the end. After she was gone I learned that her side of the family left me as well. I was just beginning to love the holidays and now they were gone. I learned to build my walls keeping all but a few people completly out. and letting them in only as close as my heart could be comfortable in.

This fear of abandonment has done me no good, it has caused me to loose more people who cared for me than I at most times willing to admit. I have left a path of emotional damage behind me. Ironically my fear of hurting others with my fucked up issues has also played a huge part in my wall building.

Now days I do not want to live this way, I want a full life with the amazing people in my life, but I fear that I cannnot heal, cannot learn to be a friend. I sleep with my fear and depression wondering if I am too broken for anyone who already has a life to want to stick around.

I am working to not be this, working to be a better person who is not controlled by his fears and abandonment both real and imagined. I hope by writing about this both me and others will great understand who I am.

I love my friends they are the only family I have left. I am just not sure that I show it enough or at all.

"Hey There Rabbit... Nice Hole"

2010-11-12T11:00:00.000-08:00

The recent downturn in my physical health is beginning to have a emotional toll on me as well. On Wends. my pain came to a crescendo, which had me going to emerg again. This time they wanted to operate to relieve some of my pain, and that was good because I am reaching the end of my pain rope. For over a week I have been basically bed bound, unable to walk, stand or do anything, simply a prisoner of my mattress.

I was admitted to hospital only to find out in the morning that they could not do the surgery because the hospital was understaffed. I was heartbroken, and left to go home with a fist full of stronger pain meds and the mattress of solitude. I am a strong guy stronger than probably most people think. I have battled a lot of crap in my life and although I have been beaten up I walked out the other side. I will do this again, there is little doubt of it.

Here is the big "But", I am exhausted, isolated, in pain and stuck in this damn apt. I am also finding that my depression is increasing with my pain, my minds ability to fight off this situation is growing increasingly difficult. Depression feeds on misery, face it misery is like potato chips for depression, it can't have just one and chooses to feed till the bag is empty. I am not going down my rabbit hole but I am peeking into it. I will get through this, but right now it really fucking sucks.

I am on stronger meds so my while it reduces my pain, it increases my zombieness. It is I guess the price I have to pay right now for less physical pain, and I have hope that my psych meds will help with my emotional pain. Maybe soon I will have a truce with the mattress of solitude, until then I have sleep, cable TV and the internet.

NaBloPoMo Day 9 "Let The Mystery Be"

2010-11-09T22:07:00.000-08:00

Due to medication induced writer's block today's post cosists of just a video and my Movember facial hair update.

This Video is a song from a American singer song writer Iris Dement. The song is about what happens when we leave this world. Not a sad song mind you, just a favorite of mine and my late wife. The song gives me comfort.

"Let The Mystery Be"

And here is my Movember Mustache Update day 9!!

NaBloPoMo Day 8 " And Shoes Fall From The Sky"

2010-11-08T20:12:00.000-08:00

Waiting for the other shoe to fall, it is past time for many and not just people like me with living with a mental illness. But for us it can take us for a emotional and behavioral ride that even Chicken Little could not imagine. Yes it is ok to worry, we all do it and it is natural but for me worrying that that shoe will drop leads me into my Bipolar tail chasing. My personal Chicken Little syndrome is about fear of abandonment or that I will be disappointed by or that I will disappoint someone .

Some may see my easy going, what happens, happens attitude as a extreme type "B" personality but it is only a survival skill that I have developed over the years. Life will always fling poo in the path of my journey and if I walk around expecting said poo to land on my face I can spend little to enjoy the journey for what it is, and yes that includes the occasional poo in face.

Will people hurt me, probably, will life fuck with me yup, but it also does that to everyone else. The difference is that with me it could trigger my depression and anxiety in a second if I do not take a step backwards. I am a overly sensitive person I react badly to situations which trigger my emotions. I have made a attempt in my life whenever I can not to expect the shoe to drop but to see the sky beyond and the place I am in right now.

For the people living with mental illness we have had thousands of shoes drop some big some small and a lot hurt when they hit you. It is easy for us to focus on the shoe that may or may not come and soon that shoe is big enough for Mother Goose to use as a time share in Boca. The point of this is. I cannot avoid my feelings and worries, but I can try to understand them and spend too much energy letting them feed in my head. Even Chicken Little learned that the sky is not always falling and we are all smarter than poultry.

NoBloPoMo Day 7 "What Do You Hear in These Sounds"

2010-11-07T20:49:00.000-08:00

I am taking it easy this Sunday yet in the spirit of NaBloPoMo I will post a little something.

This Video from a friend is about therapy and healing, I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

NaBloPoMo Day 6 " Does This Pill Make My Ass Look Fat?"

2010-11-06T21:29:00.000-07:00

For a lot of people living with mental illness medication is a necessary evil they help us maintain mental wellness and live a happy, fruitful life. But this life can come with side effects and one of the most common and mentioned is weight gain.

drugs like Seroquel which is commonly referred to as the "Carb Monster" can pack on weight by doing two things, slowing the metabolism and craving carbs and other tasty tidbits in epic amounts. I am will to be larger if I can maintain a healthier mental life but some people struggle with this. The media and society also stigmatizes fat people. I am tired of people saying, "Just exercise and eat well" and the weight will come off" as this is not always possible with people on psychotropic meds. All the dieting and healthy eating in the world will not help when the meds just put weight on you. And a fuck you to the fitness industry who feeds off the insecurity of people..

TV shows talk about dieting at no end because we think thinner people are better people yet no one talks about the 20% of North Americans who are on Psych Meds whose weight gain is not a choice but one that is a effect of working to stay sane. How many thousands of people we see every day who are not rail thin are on meds. How many people who others have said, "Look how he or she let herself go" is taking life saving meds.

If you throw in the stigma of mental health on top of the stigma of weight gain, people living with mental illness are faced with a double whammy of finger pointing. Again I will state that I am comfortable with my size and like myself, my weight gain is a direct effect from my meds, but my sanity is more important than being able to fit into Lululemon clothes. And while I am on Lululemon, as a company fuck you for judging people who are not tits on a stick, some of us have a reason for not being a size zero, it is called survival. So think before you judge someone on size for any reason not just medication induced chubbiness, we are all just trying to live.

NaBloPoMo Day 5 "Deadly Advice" Scientology's Anti Psych Front Groups

2010-11-05T11:28:00.000-07:00

In the battle for education, care and stigma reduction the lines in the sand have been made into dangerous quick sand by the Cult known as "The Church of Scientology". Since 1952 Scientology has waged a personal war against Psychiatry worldwide and this war has come at the cost of not only the mental health lives of thousands but also has claimed many physical lives directly.

Many people desperately seeking answers to their own or family member's struggles with mental illness come face to face with lead them to many placing offering answers from government agencies to not for profits who seek to educate with Mental Health options. But one group in particular has used the internet, social media, traditional media and front groups to push their dangerous agenda more than any other, Scientology.

Many of us are aware of this so called churches feeling on modern, evidence based Psychiatry. From their anti Psych poster boy Tom Cruise's now infamous rant on the "Oprah" show and the "Today" show. Scientology has proved to be a danger to those seeking reliable help. But the real truth is that they have created Front Groups or Cooped existing groups in order to fuel their paranoid hate of mainstream mental healthcare. The largest and best funded of these groups is the deceptively titled, "Citizens Commission on Human Rights" (CCHR). This slick org which calls it's self a Human Rights Org only has one function, the destruction of Psychiatry and nothing else. They have also created a youth front group targeting pediatric psychiatry called DrugFreeChildren.org.

They also have flooded Youtube with anti psych videos and publish thousands of blogs seemingly from mental health survivors and professional that lead people to the church and their front groups. They have managed to produce documentaries that are shown on mainstream cable networks.

in 1996 the Church of Scientology sued and forced the "Cult Awareness Network" into bankruptcy, they then bought the domain name and trademark and now run the network themselves as a front group telling people that they are a religious and therapeutic option.

In one of the most tragic personal events in recent years Scientology convinced Elli Perkins and her Husband to not medicate their son Jeremy Perkins, a 28 year old untreated schizophrenic and on March 13th 2003 Jeremy stabbed his mother 77 times.http://www.cs.cmu.edu/~dst/JeremyPerkins/ .

This is just one horrific examples of how dangerous the advice of Scientology is in regards to Mental Illness.
Seeking advice for Mental Health issues is a life and death issue and with the Cult's ability to manipulate media so well this leaves so many at risk. Most people dealing for the first time with a sick loved one will naturally seek any options for care and it makes sense that they would follow a course that does not lead to medications or main stream therapies, this is all part of the public's Stigma in regards to Mental Health.

The best way to fight this stigma is to speak out be a voice and provide real, proven options to the community or else dangerous groups like Scientology will continue to destroy lives for their own twisted end.

For More Info on Scientology and It's Front Groups, visit Operation Clambake

NaBloPoMo Day 4 " Mix One Part Chronic Pain With Two Parts Crazy & Get a Screwed Up Badger"

2010-11-04T22:22:00.000-07:00

Bedsides my mental illness I also suffer from Chronic and severe pain. I am used to living each day in physical pain I have no choice and you somewhat get used to it. But on other days my pain is so bad that I am unable to function like anywhere near a normal physical level.

Today my spine pain was so severe mixed with a condition called Cauda Equina Syndrome caused me to shit and piss myself, I am also suffering from loss of feeling in my genitals. I am scared, in pain and mix that with my anxiety and depression and I am a pretty fucked up person. I may have to have surgery early next week if the swelling and self shitting continues.

I am not good at being cared for, I am used to being the care giver or being alone, that is what I know and this behavior of keeping everything to me has and is destroying personal relationships. By behavior is my fault and mine alone. I am fighting to change this but it is not going as smooth and easy as I would like. My selfish attitude must change because right now I am frankly being a asshole.

NaBloMoPo Day 3 "Lost Nuts, Living a High Functioning Mental Illness Life"

2010-11-03T22:10:00.000-07:00

Living with a mental illness no matter what the diagnosis is never easy, we face a maze of barriers every day. These barriers vary greatly amongst the mental health community and from region, and country. The barriers I faced in the United States are very different in many ways from the ones I see every day here in Canada. The one constant one that myself and many others like me battle with everywhere is that of the high functioning mental health survivor.

Everyone has seen the visible person living with a mental illness, you know the scene. The man or woman who is talking to people who are not there, or the young person wearing a winter coat in July who cannot make eye contact or seems socially in pain. What we rarely see is the person who goes to a office every day or works in a factory seems on most outward appearances to be fairly normal.

There are lots of services and support for the lower functioning or persons with multiple barriers in the community, from drop-ins to medical and therapy services. The community actively looks out and rightfully for this segment of the Mental Health Community but those who do not need such intensive support has a hard time accessing help.

Not being visibly ill leaves us unable due to economic or social reasons to access services available to others.
I see it when I speak with mental health professionals, they are so overwhelmed by the community that is on the edge that my invisible community falls through the cracks and is left to seek out help on ones own.

I perfect example of this is Vancouver is the "Mental Health Team". The Vancouver Coastal Health Authority Mental Health Teams provide Psychiatric care for thousands of people in the lower mainland. But I cannot access their services because I make too much money and I seem to not be quiet the kind of sick they can take. I am still on a waiting list for a private Psychiatrist this could take 6 months to a year. I am high functioning but I am also living with a drug resistant, case of BiPolar I. And I can become very ill very quickly. It is a simple case of being very sick, yet not sick enough.

This problem may seem to a outsider to be trivial but to the millions who live in my segment of the Mental Health Community it is not. We tend to suffer in silence and that too is a shame. On a positive side social media has become a place where the community can and does share information and support in ways many others cannot access regularly. In so many ways we are the "Lost Nuts" of the Mental Health Community.

NaBloPoMo Day 2 #29 of 30 things I Will & Will Not Do To Stay Sane"

2010-11-02T19:53:00.000-07:00

Welcome to day two of my attempt to blog each and every day during November. Today was a difficult day to blog because of the elections in the southern land of teabaggistan. So my post tonight will just me relishing in the loss of the Non Masturbating Witch and teabagger Christine O'Donnell with a bat shit crazy photo flashback.

And to Carl Rove....GO FUCK YOURSELF!!

NaBloPoMo Day 1 " 30 Things I am Willing to Do Or Not Do To Stay Sane"

2010-11-01T13:46:00.000-07:00

It is NaBloPoMo (National Blog Posting Month) again whereas one should write a post everyday for 30 days. Last year I attempted this while I was a brand new and yet to be trolled baby blogger and made it 12 days. This year I am a year older wiser and more maybe less nuts who knows. I am not raising any money this year as everyone is screwed from the economy and I am raising money for "Movember" whilst I grow facial hair resembling a 70's porn star or Tom Selleck maybe a mix of both. You can donate for that HERE.

What I am going to do in my never ending battle to fight Mental Health Stigma is write a post everyday on what I will do and what I would not do to keep myself sane and healing. Hoping to use humor and facts to debunk some of the stand alone remedies for mental illness I will also mention healthy positive ideas to improve mentally healthy living for people suffering with Mental Illness and those who care for and love them. I will also mention a Bipolar Hero of the Day at the bottom of all my posts this month.

DAY ONE:

WHAT I WONT DO TO STAY SANE:

Might as well start with a biggie , Scientology! The cult of Scientology has waged a war on mental health care for years, claiming medications are evil and destroy the souls of humans. They think space aliens and made by cult member lie detectors are far, far effective and keeping folks from suffering depression. This treatment lasts only as long as your back account still have cash in it. They Xenu will cover your body with spare straight theatans from Tom Cruises body. They have created false Psychiatry organizations showing fake sciencey data that only "Their" ($$$$) vitamins and spending time all sweaty in sauna with guys like Tommy boy can treat your mania.

WHAT I WILL DO TO STAY SANE:

I will take my Meds and take them as prescribed by my Physician. Today's meds may have some bad side effects like (Midnight Dorito Consumption Syndrome) or (Nothing Will Fit me at American Eagle Outfitters Disorder). These meds do work once you and your medical professional find the right fit. No one likes taking pills face it but the alternative in my life is far worse and could kill me and I know most of you do not wish me dead. Also because that one pill works well does not mean you should eat them like a bag of skittles in the hands of a 6 year old. Over taking your meds is just as dangerous if not more.

My Bipolar Hero of the Day!

Carrie Fisher / Actress/ Writer / Bat Shit Crazy and Wonderful

Depression is a Evil Little Lurker

2010-10-28T12:46:00.000-07:00

My doctor has seemed to get my meds right since my last meltdown and for the most part I have been feeling pretty balanced and generally happy. My life is nowhere near perfect and I am not running around shitting rainbows and unicorns but my lows are not as low and thank the Flying Spaghetti Monster my highs are not as high or prolonged.
Still though I live with a pretty serious level med resistant BiPolar Disorder and what may seem balanced to me will seem pretty nuts for others especially folks who do not know me well. The hardest thing I fight of late is not my manic highs they are pretty well tied up in my emotional basement in the time out corner. It is my depression that is always lurking just under covers. It makes me want to isolate, and not take proper care of myself. I am currently battling a minor depressive episode which seems to like my company a little too much. My self awareness allows me to see the symptoms, like my current desire to hide in my apt, yet unable to fully make the feelings go away. This is how depression tortures people, it is like a bully sitting across from you always reminding you that you are not in full control of your emotions and there is little you can do about it.
These depressions for my seem to cycle and my rational brain knows that soon it will fade. But for the time being I may isolate more and feel like crap some days.
I am fighting a life long battle that will never stop it is the part of living with a mental illness that is exhausting to the person living with it and to the people close to the person living with it. I am grateful though in a odd way that I am depressed and not manic because my mania tends to leave me with lots of emotional wreckage within my personal life and my little lurking depression is less offensive.

"Rumble in My Lumbar a Cage Fight With Cancer"

2010-10-21T12:12:00.000-07:00

Today I met with both my Neurosurgeon and my Oncologist to discuss my treatment for Chordoma bone cancer which this badger has been living with. I have not been too eager to treat this choosing to live in the lovely Isle O' Denial for months. But both physical pain, rabid threats by my very cool GP and a desire to want to maybe live motivated me to take a more proactive role in my treatment.

not actual cage thank Jebus

nor is this cage a accurate portrayal of my spine cage thank Jebus on a bicycle.

Soon a Cage Fight of Calciumatoic proportions will take place in my spine,as the surgery is rarely done, and I will need some custom made cyborg / airport security pissing off parts. I have to have another MRI in a few weeks to measure my spiney goodness so they can manufacture a special flexible cage to place over my L-4 and L-5 vertebrae once they remove more than a quarter of each one. This bone exorcism will remove the tumors and the cage will provide support. After a few months they will check my bone growth and see if it has new cancerous bone if so they will remove more bone and put in bone from a dead guy or gal to shore things up.

I am scared shitless, this is a new surgery and a risky one, I could and there is a good chance loose all bone support in my spine and face a life with paralysis, a option they weighed heavily on my decision and my denial. I will not be needing Chemo after all, because it just does not work on what I have and my radiation will continue only after the epic cage fight. I will continue to try and keep my mental health up while awaiting my fight and am stronger due to support from good friends. "So Lets Get Ready To Rumble in this corner Bad Bone in the Other The Bagder! A Cage Fight of the Century!!!"

"I Just Never Knew, You Seemed So Happy."

2010-10-17T13:31:00.000-07:00

Can there be darkness in the light? Yes just check the shadows and there you will find darkness even in the bright tropical sun there will be pockets of darkness. To most people the image of depression is the sad person who never leaves the house or rarely baths. The person for whom no stimulus what so ever can lift them to any joy and the visually witnessed depression covers them and smothers their souls.

I have had the aforementioned depression the dark rabbit hole kind of way suffering the feelings of just wanting to disappear into the warm dark hole it offers. This is not my only form of depression, I also churn with what some have called and what may be in the new DSM manual "Smiling Depression".

Walk and interact with most people and they would never know that I was depressed, I can for the most part function publicly like all is ok, when inside I am an emotional train wreck choo chooing my way down my mental health tracks. Some professional are torn if this is a different form of depression that camouflages it's self in public as emotional protection, or a learned behavior that one uses to mingle in the world without drawing attention to yourself.

Smiling depression is a silent killer, how many times have we overheard, " I never knew she or he was depressed". they showed no outwards signs. It is a emotional shape sifter keeping it's darkness a secret. How do we fight this thief of souls, well it is not easy. I suffer from it and the only way for me to really fight it is now that I am so open with a few close friends whom I trust emotionally, I can tell them when my unwanted sidekick "Smiley the fucked up depression" comes over to play. It also is important for loved ones and friends who can see thru it when they want to see it to talk to the persona about it.

This "Smiling Depression" is slippery and dangerous and I fear is more common than we give it credit to. So if you suffer your depression alone when no one is looking, please go ask for help. You can and should be able to smile when you are alone too.

"Badger for Hire" or "Will Work for Sanity"

2010-10-15T17:46:00.000-07:00

I have been struggling for awhile being on disability and not working, I have worked almost all of my adult life and find not working to very very hard to get used to. I am not seeking the same full time work that I have spent the good part of two decades doing as I am not healthy enough physically or Mentally to do my chosen career justice both to myself and possible employers.

Besides my mental health of which I am still on the mend from, I am also dealing and not dealing with my physical illness. I have a form of Bone Cancer called "Chordoma" and this is what causes me all of my physical pain and some days leaves me unable to do much more than eat pills, drool and lay on my bed.

There are arguments on both sides of me working a little, that I need to focus on my care, and as long as I can feed myself and have a roof over my head than everyone is ok and I should focus on me first. There is also the corner that says " I should work a little or Volunteer somewhere".

I need to do something, sure my disability insurance is covering my needs but rarely my wants. I used most of my money to cover my debts and the debts of my Father which I promised to take care of. I still miss have the extra cash to do things, to occasionally spoil myself, to be spontaneous at all. I also need some human contact on a regular basis and working / volunteering would offer me that.

I know I am too sick to work now my heart knows that but my mind does not and fights with my heart. I am stuck and somewhat lost. I feel like a charity case sometimes, ashamed other times when I have no reason to be ashamed. I just miss having a full life like i had. I may get used to this but I do not have to like it.

"Strength...WTF? Where Did That Come From"

2010-10-09T11:06:00.000-07:00

   As I live with my Bipolar disorder and am working towards a better state of Mental Health I doubt my strength. This doubt is a feeling that I alone do not ruminate in, it is as common as eating a bag of Kettle Chips a hour after taking your meds. Often when we are overwhelmed by our own illness or fear of our own illness sneaking back up on us and we feel weak and helpless.

  I discovered that the inner strength that I thought had hitched a ride on my sanity to Vegas had gone and I was now week and unable to rise up to be the person I knew I was. Recently I discovered that my inner strength was still there, all be it somewhat shaky and not perfect it was there, and I was able to get out of my own head long enough to help another when they needed me. It was not a big thing that I had done, or one especially amazing. Yet I was able to find my inner strength and that is the important message for Mental Health Awareness Week.

Allow yourselves to be strong, to allow that strength to work when you or others need it. Inner strength does not mean you have to be perfect, nor does it mean you cant be emotional. Life makes us feel and our emotions are one of our most honest strengths. Take this day all and exhale knowing when the ass of life starts to fall off your strength might just be there to pick it up for you or others.

"A Demographic of Silence Living With Mental Health Stigma"

2010-10-06T08:56:00.000-07:00

Silence- is the relative or total lack of audible sound. By analogy, the word silence may also refer to any absence of communication, even in media other than speech.^[1] Silence is also used as total communication, in reference to non verbal communication and spiritual connection.

Silence when it comes to mental illness is a killer, a killer of self esteem, hope, and emotional safety. Silence mixed with stigma is painful and is a cause for those living with Mental Illness to separate ourselves from the world around us. Rarely does a person living with mental illness speak out to identify with or protect others traveling down our own road, because the fear of being stigmatized by others is a constant shroud that covers us. We have all faces stigma, either self imposed or from a external source, both feed each other and keep us in so many ways from reaching our potential.

Self Imposed Silence & Stigma; We have no parade or telethon, no ribbon that is worn by people en mass, We are rarely mentioned by media unless it is a story on a person who does something horrific, we have few open role models. This is one way we self stigmatize, out of fear of being seen as not fit for society, based on media provided public awareness. We have also lost friends and family, our behaviors actions have caused rifts, or our emotional state is just ignored or seen and blamed on things that are words easier digested, like "Lazy","Unmotivated", "Must be on drugs", words like these and many others keep us from speaking out.

Outside Stigma: The world is not offered a real view of living with mental illness and in some cases has little respect for the suffering. Look at TV, they portray people with mental illness either as a demon or a clown, to mocked or feared. Shows like "Hoarders" uses people with mental illness to be a digital side show as the old fashion side show is long gone and now a family can mock the ill from the comfort of their own sofa. Or crime shows that as far as I know only Portray people with MH as killers and perverts. So is there any wonder why we and our supporters are quiet. Who want to know a killer or pervert.

At Large Stigma: Ever walk down the street and walking towards you is a man who is talking to nobody and there is no bluetooth headset under his or her seasonally inappropriate clothing. How often have people laughed or verbally abused these very ill men and women? It happens all the time, no wonder we are silenced.

Coming out publically with a mental illness is a risk that only you can take. I took that risk years ago and to this day I do not regret it. Still I have faced the things I have mentioned above. I have lost friends, family and trust of employers. Yet I continue to be proud of who I am, a man living with Mental Illness. To break the silence I had to speak out and tell the world who I was. But that is not enough, I have to also protect the dignity of others who still or may never have a voice. If I just live my life, take my meds and quietly live my life I am helping to stigma fester in a vacuum of ignorance and muting others. Ending the silence begins with ALL of us, ill or not we can make some noise and break down some of the stigma.

"The Drugs Tell Me, Hey Why Not Eat That" " Psych Meds & Weight Gain"

2010-10-05T08:02:00.000-07:00

yup this is my belly

This mental Health week I am going to talk about another aspect of Stigma facing people living with mental illness. This is a topic most people can relate to weight gain, and this weight gain is a direct effect of a lot of the medications we take.

  Estimates are that 20% of North Americans are on some form of Psychoactive medication for a mental illness. Ranging from depression to severe schizophrenia these meds do a couple of insidious things surrounding our metabolism and eating. One of the worst culprits is Seroquel a atypical antipsycotic that is used for the above mentioned disorders and more as a mood stabilizer. A lot of us will trade in mental wellbeing for some weight gain. But in women it is the number one reason why they go off their meds and return to being ill. So why do the TV shows like Oprah, The Doctors, Dr Sanja Gupta etc not talk about this? This is a major compoent for 20% of North America's Obesity problem yet their is silence. And will not sell diet books, or other shilled bullshit.

  When you walk and stare at a fat person on the street it just may be meds they are taking so they can lead a productive and healthy life. So this is a indirect stigma facing those of us living with mental illness. If you are living with mental illness and have or are gaining weight try to understand that the meds are keeping you healthy.

Discuss  drug caused midnight carb loading, with your doctor and friends, try to know it is not your or my fault. I was once on a drug that put 70lbs on me in 3 months. Now I am on meds that have added some girth to my already girthy body , yet I would rather be wider than crazier.

Put on Your Tin Foil Hat for Mental Health Awareness Week '10

2010-10-03T09:08:00.000-07:00

It is October, the smell of fallen leaves the chill of winter is starting to show it's face and it is the begining of the Ugly Holiday Sweater season, God give us strength it is also Mental Health Awareness Week.

This week we can all speak out and work to lower the Stigma that living with a Mental Illness carries, we can also show the humanity, humor of living with or living with someone with a mental illness. I am putting my tinfoil hat this week and will write every day with a story, hopefully humorous about my live and my fight with Bipolar and General Anxiety Disorder.

I am already out of the rubber closet so my goal this week is the help reduce stigma and maybe help someone have the courage to fight their own fight. The only way we can reduce the fear about Mental Illness is to speak about it, frankly, enmass and yes in some cases with some humor.

This is also the week I will unveil my idea for a ribbon/pin to show support for mental health stigma reduction so stay tuned for that madness it is sure to be polarizing just like me.

So lets all put on our Tin Foil Hats, celebrate who we are for a moment while educating others and spend a quick seven days to take a bite out of Mental Health Stigma.

"The Speed of The Sound of Loneliness"

2010-10-02T14:46:00.000-07:00

I have a default switch in my head and that is to be alone, to sit in my own shit like some fucking happy baby with that same bewildered look in my eyes. Yes I do like to some degree being alone, it is comfortable and easy like a old shoe. I also long for companionship a best friend. My close friends are scattered across the globe, the ones I can always go to when I am sitting staring into the rabbit hole and thinking, "Why Not?" Yes I call them and that does help but it still feels like I am prisoner in my own loneliness and only allowed to have contact by phone.

I miss my J.J. as she was my companion not just a wife but a friend alway able to find a way to take my mind off things long enough to let my crazy ass head spool down long enough for me to catch my breath. I have other friends who do the same. I miss these folks.

The title of this post is a song from "John Prine" & "Nanci Griffith" , the speed of the sound of loneliness is fast and quiet and to me the more I feel alone the more I want to isolate. I fight it and that fight is exhausting me, today If I could have only one thing that would stop the sound of loneliness if just for a moment would be to have a day with J.J. back just walking or sitting in bed and watching bad TV.

I am lonely / isolated and in some ways more than ever before. Will I be ok? Only time will tell, will I come out the other side less sensitive to my feelings of loneliness and fears of abandonment. Who Knows? I know today I am not doing well, I also know that I am working on theses things and my rational mind knows that is a step back from the edge of my rabbit hole.

"Nice Sofa Let's Chat My Beginnings of Therapy"

2010-10-01T20:34:00.000-07:00

For years I have had Psychiatric care received meds for my Bipolar disorder but I have been resistant to therapy. I could sit here and tell you lots of witty reasons why I avoided therapy, like men with ironic shrink beards and lady shrinks in linen and smelling of incense and carob bars. These amusing and accurate as they might be are not the reason I avoided therapy.

Therapy is forcing me to look at myself, deep into myself into my life's dark scary corners. And once I see what is in my rabbbit warren of a emotional life like some mental colonoscopy do something about it and work to build skills to bypass my behaviors and become a better healthier person. This scares the crap out of me, plain and simple, there are things in my life that I do not want to revisit or discover for that matter. But I am also at a place where if I do not, there is no way I can get to be a healthier person. I must take this step forward I have no choice the only other choice I have to spend the rest of my life alone an emotional dead zone for myself or anyone around me and really that is a death sentence to a person living with mental illness.

Without therapy a person living with mental illness can never really be "Well" is what I am discovering and thus without therapy all the meds in the world are a waste of my liver function.

If I seem not as talkative or more distant than normal for awhile, please understand that this process is new for me and it is opening up old wounds some I never even knew I had. So please be as patient as you can or willing to be with me, this is not a fast fix and I will not change overnight. All I can say is that I will remain the kind, gentle man you know.

"Badger Goes Mental Tips & Tricks For Living With Depression"

2010-09-20T13:55:00.000-07:00

Living with the depression axis of Bipolar or If you live with Depression alone can be a chore. I can easily find myself wanting to do little more than stay naked in bed all day and surf the internets between sleeping, smoking and eating fried foods. Medication can put most if not all of my symptoms on holiday in Mexico but while I am recovering there are tasks I discovered will keep me from now showering for days and eating my way through a 7-11 at 2 am.

I must get up each day, that mean up not naked under my duvet with my netbook. Up means somewhat vertical.
Clean my place and keep it clean. When I am sick I let my place go, this just feeds my depression or mania. I know straighten up every day in an attempt to create some kind of mental muscle memory.
Get Dressed, yes putting on clean clothes will always make me want to go out or at least not crawl back into my fore mentioned duvet naked.
Go for a walk even if it is just for 10 minutes, why because I am not naked under my duvet or on top of it depending on the weather.

these are just some things that work for me, I no longer use my computer from bed if my back can take it. My bed is for sleep not for twitter. I suffer insomnia which is common, so creating a work space that I use my computer at makes me feel somewhat productive.

I know these are hard and or impossible when deep in your or my depression and I would be a asshole to tell anyone to do all these things when sick. Yet when in recovery or when you are starting to feel not quiet right this little things do make a difference.

"Bipolar & BiSocial My Life Long Struggle"

2010-09-17T22:55:00.000-07:00

1983 a shy somewhat introverted boy, some who knew him would say emotionally troubled, but sweet changed. 1983 was a life changing year for me, after a couple of years of severely struggling emotionally, bouts of of depression unnoticed for the out of control mania that left the people who cared for me shaking their collective heads wondering what went wrong with me. I attempted for the first time and as we all know not the last to take my own life. Lucky for me that the ceiling joist in my closet was not strong or I would not be sitting here right now. My parents sent me for a short quiet stay in hospital to see what was wrong with me. A doctor whom to this day because of my mania cannot remember much other than those clicky swinging metal ball thing on his desk diagnosed me as Bipolar 1 . At first everyone sighed a collective sigh knowing finally what was wrong with me, still it my parents in some ways lived in denial that what I had was organic something seen as a defect and soon I learned to hide.

I became great at hiding my depression and to some degree my mania, I was involved in activites that mania would be seen as normal, listen to punk music got a mowhawk and found a place to fit in it seemed. I still never felt comfortable anywhere and still to this day in some ways I still do not. I keep people at a distance for many reasons, if you are not close I cannot emotionally hurt you and vice versa you cannot hurt me when you leave. This has developed into a separation anxiety and social anxiety. My life to me seemed easier if life was on my periphery only being touched gently.

Allowing people in has happened when I emotionally trust someone I can let them in and it is about degrees and levels. This all seems to contradict my outward gregariousness and friendliness that most of you know or have witnessed. I am comfortable talking in public, at parties etc, yet it is in my outer rings and what you see is me I am just on the other side of the emotional fence. This can and has lead people to not know what to make of me, it springs what I project, " lack of trust". How could you trust me if I never let you in?

Now here I am on the web, on twitter getting or trying to know people and letting them in my emotional living room. I write about my life pretty openly I have talked about my failures, personality flaws, mistakes and a whole barrel of other emotional detritus. I am not perfect nor am I evil, I make mistakes based on a mixture of emotional and behavior traits that I am now working on even if for years they were so personally painful and repugnant that I hid them from myself.

As I strive to open myself up, be a better person and make amends for damage I have done I only ask that if you have seen the good in me and are willing to be patient with me, that the good things you have seen or maybe know will come into focus. Last week I admitted publicly that I had lied to a friend and that when I am stressed or ill. I knew by doing so that I would open myself up for any fallout that that may have. This was one of the hardest things I have every done knowing that it would make me look guilty for everything from kidnapping the Lindburg baby, to the popularity of Snooki. This is a burden that I must bear if I choose to become more mentally sound.

I am fighting every moment not to disappear into my personal rabbit hole and live my life alone with people just out of my reach. I do not want to I like people and frankly care about a lot of you. I am just learning how to do it all over again.

"Car 87 Where Are You, A Model for Mental Health Crisis Policing"

2010-09-15T14:35:00.000-07:00

In many cities around the world the mentally ill in crisis come into contact with Law Enforcement at sometime in their lives some repeatedly. At issue most police officers only receive 30 hours on average of mental health training. For the person in crisis and many already in a state of paranoia and or psychosis these ofter end in physical injury and sometimes death. For the Law Enforcement officers frustration, feelings of helplessness and lack of education can lead to personal injury and personal psychological effects.

Many people with illness have a mistrust of the police, because of perception and or previous contact, so what is a police department and health authority to do? well he in Vancouver, BC Canada we have Car 87 /88.

Car 87 was started as a joint effort with the Vancouver Health Authority to put into service a patrol care specializing in Mental Health Crisis. The car is manned with a specially trained police officer and a specially trained nurse who wear plain clothes and responds to mental health crisis that may need law enforcement assistance. The cars both 87 / 88 can be dispatched by doctors or workers who are concerned that their client may be in immediate need of mental health assistance, finding people who have left hospital without permission or from other officer and 911 if there is reason to think the person involved may be in crisis.

While the police may not be perfect in dealing daily with citizens struggling with mental illness Vancouver's Car 87/88 is a great model for other jurisdictions globally to make the interact with police and citizens with mental illness a safer more human experience. It also allows the person suffering to feel like they are getting care and not being harassed for being ill. In struggling neighborhoods foot patrolled community policing have also done well to reduce stigma that young officers may have as they get to know the people living in the community and interact with them daily.

Stigma in Law Enforcement about people living with mental illness can be reduced by furtherer education education in the academies and continued education while serving. Mix that with services like Car 87/88 and we are on our way to making contact by police, courts, and people living with mental illness healthier.

"Digital Side Show Freaks" Television's Exploitation of Mental Illness For Fun & Profit"

2010-09-13T23:17:00.000-07:00

This To Sell This

Every Monday night the twitters is a buzz about A&E Networks "Hoarders" a show very loosely marketed as a mix of documentary / entertainment. In my opinion it is pure and simple exploitation of people with Mental Illness for profit. The typical argument is that "it may help someone", or "It is educational" this is total bullshit. If it was educational they would talk about treatment and interview professionals. I know what News/Documentary style TV is I worked in it. "Hoarders" and it's older sibling "Intervention" are watched for voyeuristic reasons by millions not so millions can help a aunt clean her 10 litter boxes. It shows people in their illness at their worst and they look for the worst cases they can and they are not slowing down. No longer are normal "Hoarders" enough during sweeps weeks and holidays A&E is pushing "Extreme Hoarders" on us, feeding our collective need to see people worse off than us.

These people are above all Ill and at their worst and yes some are very odd and yes a lot are filthy but they are still people first and foremost. So you may watch this but what and when is it too much. Would you watch a show that shows anyone slowly dying of HIV-AIDS? No most likely not.

A&E which used to be "Arts & Entertainment" has turned into a digital side show, not much different from the old carnival ones. It seems people like oddities, hell I love oddities but the broadcasting of people in emotional pain, deep emotional pain is wrong, exploiting the mentally ill so you can sell more widgets is sick at best. Want a education about mental health or addiction, read a book, watch PBS or talk to a professional. Lets all stop feeding the monster of Stigma visa vie A&E.

First Installment of "The Daily Badger"

2010-09-11T02:05:00.000-07:00

As you know I am "The Badger: And instead of my bipolar posts I will post a badger and his or her personal story badger as seen through out my perversely twisted eyes & brain. So lets meet todays badger porn

"The Medicated Badger"

as you can see this little guy is enjoying the effects of some mind altering substance as \badgers usually are not rolling around looking happy they are usually scaring Jehovah witnesses and scientologists yet we see Vinny here seeing what do knows what a badger sees on drugs.

"Care & Feeding of Your Badger" Or "Why Friends Are Important to Someone With Mental Illness"

2010-09-08T09:40:00.000-07:00

By now most of you know I am back in hospital after a attempted suicide. I am safe but still fragile and working hard on getting better. One of the things that has given me strength are my friends, without their support and love my recovery would be much harder and somewhat empty.

Friendships are very important to someone when they are ill and feel alone and undeserving of love and friendship. I am blown away at the support I have received, friends have visited, emailed, called and have taken me out. Some friends I have never met as they are from twitter or other social media and also their support is that of friends and has made a difference in my life. I am grateful, moved and emotional from all of everyone's support and good will.

It is not easy to be friends with someone who is Bipolar or any mental illness for that matter. We tend to leave a wake of personal destruction behind us in our journey. This is why for so long I chose to be alone, no one to hurt in my path, that loneliness sucked but it worked. Then I went and made friends in my community, and not only like them and respect them for who and what they are but I love them for the people they are and their endless capacity to love. And at the end of the all we really want is for some folks to love us.

Yet here I am to say that I violated my closest friend and I's relationship and trust by lying to her and her family. I because of some crappy early family issues mixed with my bipolar will when stressed, afraid, over tired will lie and I lied to them. This may forever change our friendship and I hope we can still have a friendship after mine and mine alone actions. They have while being hurt been supportive and that makes me feel very good but I am still very sad for the damage that I have done. I am now working with a therapist on these issues and hope to soon be rid of them and to be a even healthier person.

I am making a contract with all my friends that I will not lie to any of you and if I feel like i need to will tell you. I also am open and welcoming you all to call me on my shit.

Friendship is a two way street, you have all been so kind I feel I owe it to you all to be the best badger I can be and to be a person you can trust, rely on and to be worthy of your friendship and Love.

The Badger Eats Pills: Psych med Gourmet Reviews "Seroquel"

2010-08-22T10:22:00.000-07:00

The Blogging and interwebs world is full of Foodie Bloggers they are everywhere, and I am a foodie, I am also Crazy. So I decided that to break new social media ground I would write reviews about Psych meds that I take or have taken. it is a untouched space in digital reviews and I hope that soon there will be a Yelp category or maybe even a Camp for it. First I have to say that I am not saying that psych meds are bad and should not be taken, they help and are needed. I just want to take down some stigma surrounding them and have some fun.

Just like popular foods there are popular crazy meds and not unlike Pizza which has become a food for everyone so has Seroquel a delightful little pill from the La Cordon Blue of Psych Pharma, "AstraZeneca" . This delightly little pill was first created in the test kitchens of AstraZeneca while they were try to develop a pill that went very well with Potato Chips at 1 A.M. ...

It was a success! Seroquel is a salt (who does not like salt?) which was first dined on by people who needed to eat some anti-psychotics and like any good food was soon found to work on depression, bipolar, mania, anxiety and anyone who had a aversion to carbohydrates. Depending on your appetite it can be ordered in various portion sizes from 10mg to 200mg nomminess. I preferred to eat 750 mg at a time because I am a glutton.

Seroquel is paired well with a nice French anti-depressant or if you do not go nap time soon Mexican food in the form of 7-8 bags of "Doritos" maybe followed by a dessert of creme du Ben & Jerry's . After your dining a long protracted dinner coma will ensue complete with such activities as nocturnal weight gain, and competitive pillow drooling. after eating your Seroquel you will find that you no longer bark at squirrels, avoid bridges, shop for crap you don't need or fit any of your pants anymore.

The Bipolar Badger recommends Seroquel if your Dr./Waiter prescribes it. It can make your life better and is a good med for a lot of people. So eat and be mentally healthy!!
DISCLAIMER: I am not a Physician or Healthcare professional, this is just satire and I by no means recommend any prescription to or dosage of seroquel or any pharmaceuticals and you should consult a physician prior to starting any medications.

"August 16th 1990, 20 Years Minus 6 = Emotional Mathematics"

2010-08-16T00:47:00.000-07:00

On August 16th 1990 I was in Sarajevo covering the breakup and building tensions in Yugoslavia which would lead to a vicious ethnic war and mass genocide. But on that day in what was a beautiful city my life changed forever. Not by bomb, or illness or money, it was changed by love. This was the day that I had my first date with the amazing woman who would become Mrs. Badger.

  I had met J.J. before, and I always had a crush on her, she was a funny, smart, beautiful photographer. I had previously tried to chat her up at the smarmy journalists bar in the Holiday Inn Sarajevo and she was having no part of me. As her friends were telling me and I quote, " JJ thinks you are a Crazy Little Boy, who had a better chance of getting pregnant than a date with her" But my heart would not give up. I came up with an idea, that was hatched while drinking with some other cameramen of questionable moral providence. I would show her I was a professional and would write her a "Relationship Resume"!! fueled with a locally made moonshine and bad Baltic weed I wrote my resume, complete history of my relationships with references.

  I bribed JJ's Best friend and personal firewall that I would never talk to or attempt to again only if she delivered said document and that JJ would agree to a 1 hour date. The firewall agreed and soon JJ came by the bar and announced that I would get a 1 hour window to prove I was not just a less hairy ape.
That one hour turned into a 8 hour date, the next day JJ moved into my room and that was the beginning of how I learned to Love & be Loved.

  Today if J.J. was still alive we would have been together for 20 years and probably would have been. Our relationship was not perfect non are. But we saw past our emotional, social, interpersonal quirks because we were best friends, JJ was the first time I experienced unconditional Love outside of my Parents & Grandparents. A lot of our friends saw us as a perfect couple, maybe because we always respected each other and enjoyed every moment we were together. But we were not perfect, I as we know have lots of issues, and so did she. We did fight but never in public, we did not moan to friends about each other unless it was child like kidding. When we did fight and we fought a lot, it never got personal or ugly and we never went to bed angry we would stay up all night and find a solution if that is what it took. As sappy as that sounds it really works. when you go to bed angry it ferments, and evolves into something else and that is never pretty.

  These are some the things that J.J. gave me as a person and that left me a much better person than I was when I met her. She taught me to be able to be Loved, a skill I am still working on. JJ always trusted me emotionally even when I was emotionally not well. I learned from her that being silly when things look the darkest is good medicine. I learned there is dignity in accepting who you are. The best gift that I was given was that I am at my core good, kind and have the capacity to Love and Respect back and that I do not have to be perfect in doing it, if I am truly Loved back.

Here is the Math! God and I hate math............

Days we would have been together : 7305 pretty scary number
Days I have still lived after she was gone: 2191

The second number is more important to me right now, I have come along way since then, seen many things met many friends, and all I have seen, and all I have met have been the direct benefit of Jennifer June's impact on my life. Do I miss her? Yes of course I do today, on our wedding anniversary, her birthday, her day of passing and ground hog day are the worst on me emotionally. I get through them knowing I was lucky to have 14 years with my best friend and that is not a little thing, not many people can say that at my age. Wherever you are June Bug I hope no one else has written you a Resume........................................

"All Shame Sometimes Needs is a Friend & Some Elbow Grease"

2010-08-13T22:19:00.000-07:00

I am open about so much of my life and Mental Health here online and in public, yet I have had a Dirty Little Shameful Secret for a while now.. I had not been taking care of my home.

Because of the show "Hoarders" talking about this or admitting I had a problem was too difficult for me. As a result of my Physical Health and my Depression I had let my Apt become a mini episode of Hoarders. No mummified cats or wall eating goats, but it was to me a horror show. The problem is that the worse it gets the more depressed and stressed about it the more you live in some quasi denial and it gets worse. I have did not have people over my place, and hated myself in quiet torture. One of my best friends who had visited gave me a invervention and was not going to visit me unless I let her help me. In my Shame I was willing at first to lose this friendship rather than have her see my place in full and help me do what i could not do myself.

I am working on living a better life of mental wellness and I trust my friend emotionally so I agreed and today we made a huge dent in the clutter and dirt in my place. She told me it was not as bad as I thought it was and that made things much less anxiety ridden and I will say that I actually had fun. The job is not done there is still a lot of work to do but now I know it can be done. I had to write about this to be more open as that is a goal I am working on in my life. Today some of my personal feelings of shame were lifted thanks to a friend I could have lost because of it.

"Dear Brain, I Think You Are Following Me"

2010-08-12T19:17:00.000-07:00

PARANOIA !!! A word that is used humorously in media and in conversation by many but when mentioned by someone living with mental illness strikes fear, outward stigma and self stigma. I am sure a lot of you are familiar with the paranoia from pot, it is a very different animal.

When I had my last Major Depressive episode I also for the first time it invited a new friend along without asking me first and that friend is yes you guessed it paranoia. Now this is not of the variety you are used to seeing or thinking about, the psychotic paranoia. I am not thinking the government is coming for me, or people are listening outside my door, fuck my life is way too boring for anyone to listen to. It is more like, I think I did something wrong to someone and they hate me now. Or my dr does not want to help me because other people told him not to. This is not a constant or ever present thought pattern, it seems to only rise when I am under a lot of stress and goes away when I am not stressed.

Stress is a big part of paranoia and I am learning more about this right now as I need to to better understand wheat my mind is doing to me. This is not a fun or easy subject to discuss because it is scary to both me and others and can be difficult for friends and family to understand. I am going back on a med I was once on called Gabapentin . I know these thoughts are my mind and my illness on one side and the other side is my crazy talking. This is for me difficult to deal with because if you know something is wrong you change it, this does not change that easy and it is also new to me so it scares me even more.

To those of you who see me often please understand these thoughts I am currently having and feel free to remind me that this is my illness taking to me and not reality. And please be patient with me I am still not 100% but I am getting better. Living with Mental Illness is not cut and dry and it's boundaries and borders change all the time. The human mind is always dynamic so it is understandable that Mental Illness or Mental Wellness would be as well.

"Who Me Ask For Help? The Badger is a Learnin Stuff"

2010-08-11T11:26:00.000-07:00

Being alone for so long now it seems that I have unlearned things that make a person a good friend. I have always been somewhat stubborn and frankly can keep people from helping me. It is a trait I learned from my Dad who was the king of "I am OK". Six months ago this would not have been such an issue for me. I was resigned and accepting that for the most part I would be pretty much alone for the remainder of my life. Reaching that point of comfort was not easy, or comfortable, yet like most people with acceptance became kinda ok.
   This has not been my best of years, personal loss, a diagnosis of cancer, and my recent trip into a mental health crisis had left me pretty beaten up. Who could blame me for wanting to burrow deep into my emotional castle keep, only to venture out when it was comfortable to do so? There is one catch to this theory and plan though. Friends! In recent months I have made some wonderful friends, people who accepted my crazy ass into their lives even when I had so little to give back, or just forgot how to. Some of these people I see everyday, some once and a while, others I reconnected with after years apart. Then one day I was not alone anymore and this scared the crap out of me, I worked hard and long to be alone for the most part keeping people on my peripheral, letting them in only as much as my comfort zones would allow.
It may seem to those who know me that I am outgoing, open and will disclose freely my life. Yes I am open but open does not mean close. I carry with me a lot of personal pain and grief, along with a twisted sense of pride that has forced me to not ask for help emotionally when I need it.

I have learned in recent weeks that I cannot do this emotionally alone, that the people whom I care about next to me can and want to help, but my walls make it very difficult to care for me. How can you keep trying to care for a prick like me when I keep you at a distance? again lucky for me I met and have become friends with people who have such huge capacity to love and care. They have taken care of me regardless of my emotional kicking and screaming, even when their own emotional plates are over flowing. I am moved by this humanity in ways you may never understand. these amazing people have help my hand while I am relearning to be a human and a friend again.
  I am not there yet, still, a work in progress and some days I run back to my old self, but I am dedicated to change to be the person I once was. I only hope that the do not give up before this happens. I am not now a easy person to always like, love or understand. My life is in some ways more complicated by the way I interact with it, growth is never easy or painless. Yet I am motivated to change these things about me, and try and leave the world around me a better place for knowing me.
  So stick around as I empty some of the crap from my emotional closet and learn once more to not only ask for help, to accept that help and to give back to those who help me.

I will thank each of you who has aided me personally, and not here in this blog because HTML is not the way I want to do it. Be well my friends and readers and I am sorry if I have been cold, and distant it is only because that is what i knew to protect myself. Now I am learning differently.

"Chemical Fail Whales"

2010-08-06T20:26:00.000-07:00

Failure!!! I Failed!!!!! I Will fail!!

We have all said it thought it beaten ourselves silly with it. I believe personal failure is a self defined benchmark, a event horizon that is set by us, our minds and by our belief system. There is a criteria for failure that I found and it is this on wikipedia

The criteria for failure are heavily dependent on context of use, and may be relative to a particular observer or belief system. A situation considered to be a failure by one might be considered a success by another, particularly in cases of direct competition or a zero-sum game. Similarly, the degree of success or failure in a situation may be differently viewed by distinct observers or participants, such that a situation that one considers to be a failure, another might consider to be a success, a qualified success or a neutral situation.

It may also be difficult or impossible to ascertain whether a situation meets criteria for failure or success due to ambiguous or ill-defined definition of those criteria. Finding useful and effective criteria, or heuristics, to judge the success or failure of a situation may itself be a significant task.

Living with mental illness the thoughts of failure always float to the surface, especially when we are in some sort of flux. I have beaten myself up like a circus monkey over and over again based on what I see success as. I have placed a line in the sand for failure many times and forget to see the real successes that were in front of me all the time. Everyone has but, Me living with my mental illness I do not have this luxury. Setting myself up to believe I failed can spiral me into my illness. If is Red Bull for my depression and for my anxiety.

How do I battle this? I had to learn that just knowing that my thoughts of setting up a set of rules to fail are in it's self a win ans self awareness removes my line in the sand to some degree. Letting others know that these thoughts are in my head are also a win and lessen the risk of what I think is a failure. You see when we think we are going to fail we are sailing a big ship alone and in the case of a a person living with depression that ship is a super tanker in size and have lots of sails, ropes , and shit that no one person can do alone. So talking and sharing our fears with friends and professionals helps us operate SS Crazy.

In today's hustle and flow of life, our driven world of social pressure, we forget to let ourselves be human. I am recovering from my turn into my illness, light is shining through my depression now and I feel a lot better. I see this as a journey not a race, there is no failure for me right now, because I have survived so much in my life. I am all win now every step is a win even when I do not feel like it is.

"Flying Without A Mental Net, The Badger has No Shrink"

2010-08-04T01:12:00.000-07:00

I have been out of hospital for a week now and while I maybe on the road to recovery I am not firing on all cylinders yet. I was referred to a Shrink near me for my care after my stay at the Hotel California and was at first happy to have been directed to one so close to me. I was soon shockingly mistaken. My old Dr. who was wonderful and I had reached a pivot point in our relationship and it was clear that our relationship was not assisting me in moving forward. No blame it just reached it therapeutic terminus. The other Dr whom I love and has to be one of the most caring and kind men not just medical professionals is retiring, and he will be a much missed advocate for all who live with Mental Illness .

So today i went to meet my new doc with a open mind and WOW it was not only traumatic but I must admit the worst treatment I have ever received by a Mental Health Pr crap I cannot even call her a professional. She acted from the moment I met her in a hugely patronizing manner in one of those monotone I think you are a asshole kinda voices, mixed with a smile that is a atom thin veil of disgust. I guess she read this blog, HI DOC !!! and figured that I am a not who she thinks is a Sheep enough to be honored by her care. She just took my history, smiled art me like I just ate her favorite natural cotton caftan and playacted me like some idiot. Either I am too fucked up and self aware/ advocating . I think she has another agenda and it is one that I theologically do not subscribe to .

Psychiatric medicine should be a safe pl;ace for all to be. Especially consumers who are recently out of hospital and fragile. Not a place which I left in full on tears and in a major anxiety attack. Only thankfully to a friend I worked my way through safely. If I was someone else or in a more weakened state and left in that space and because of the experience was bent on self harm, she would have been responsible plain and simple. If I was a lets say a paitent with angina no doctor would have treated me that way. So it begs to ask, are we living with Mental Illness treated with less concern than others? Maybe but not by all, but by too many.

I will find a new doctor one without an agenda and a distaste for strong self aware/involved patients. I am driven to become healthier than I have been and to seek new growth in my mental wellness. We all deserve dignity and that is all I ask for.

" Easy to Hate Not Easy To Love 28 Years of Being Nuts Around People"

2010-07-31T05:34:00.000-07:00

When I was 16 I was finally diagnosed Bipolar, and by all accounts and familial witness statements it was about time. My crazy coming out was not some cryptic Zapruder film like moment replayed over and over again by my loved ones and family. It was a wildly known fact.

   I was and still am not easy to Love for most and I am still easy to hate for some but not all. I am sure a lot of people can say that, hell no one is perfect or everyones friend, that is just too creepy to imagine just look and Tony Robbins and you will understand. But I come with a list of optional emotional accessories that would put a new car dealer to shame. Piggybacking on my illness are a whole host of psycho-social issues that makes being close to me at times difficult. I am also very outspoken a gift I received at age 17 from my grandfather once I found my voice and my shyness ebbed away.

By behavior has left a wake of emotional detritus behind me and I have burned bridges, almost exclusively personal bridges, maybe because my profession tended to attract folks like me and they can tolerate a lot of shit. I am not mean, despite the tenor of my posts, tweets and conversations. I get that a lot and I can be very polarizing, which I am very aware of and a lot of you know. But I am actually sweet, for those who get to know me. But there is the rub, I do not let many people in, I let you in the yard, on the porch but in the house that I am not so good at (See Fear of Abandonment).

  So who the fuck likes me? I was lucky to be married to a wonderful woman over a decade. She hated me too at first when she did not know me and only agreed to a date to get me out of her hair. She was an amazing woman, with a huge capacity to Love, Forgive, Tolerate and most of all a sense of humor. She let me love her first, that was one of the keys, because only then did I open my front door and let her off the porch. I am good at relationships not starting them for that very reason. I am emotionally guarded, it comes from my illness, mixed with social developmental speed bumps etc but what really matters is that I keep people away. Mrs Badger would not take that crap and firmly yet patiently coaxed me open. I did some really fucked uop shit when she was alive and she still Loved me warts and all. I always wondered how anyone could love me, I am a fucked up mess. She did, in some way I gave her something that no one else did, and all my crap was worth it, I was never abusive, I did not yell, and I still do not. I always respected her and laughed at her bad jokes. Still it was not easy, when you are away on a biz trip and you come home to find out that your husband sold all the furniture and then bought all new stuff in a manic Martha Stewart moment you have to take a second to question your relationship decisions. Still she and others stood by me and still do. I am lucky to have some long standing friendships because I am not a easy friend.

   Today in some kind of way I protect others and myself by not letting them off the porch it is by no means altruistic. I dont do anything really stupid and you are my friend my porch friend. All this changed when Mrs. Badger died. My porch got smaller my yard larger and weirder. \

For almost 6 years now I have been in a self induced emotional exile, fearful that no one would love me, or want to be around me for more than a short while. This has added to my aura of polarization. And it is not easy to change. I am working on this very hard. it is not easy or right now natural for me, but I am working on it. My yard is getting smaller, cleared of debris and some of you are coming inside already.

I am making new friends and this is trust me on this scary as shit, scarier than anything I have ever done before and I have done and been some scary ass places the least of which is in my own head. So to the people getting to know me and who want to get to know me better. Be patient, gentle, have a sense of humor, and I hope that you will find in me as a friend what others who have known me for years have found. I am not sure what that is, but it works for my wife and others and maybe I can add something to your lives that makes it a little better.

loving someone is never blind, it is just love. loving someone living with a mental illness is not easy but for some worth the trip. It may not be me, but it could be someone else. This post was one of the hardest I have written as to admit you are easy to like sucks. But the time was right. I hope you all can open your doors and let those screaming people off your porch the noise is driving me nuts.......................

"Smoke, Smoke Smoke That Cigarette! Badger Battles Nicotine"

2010-07-30T11:56:00.000-07:00

I have smoked since I was 16, the sweet Virgina Albatross around my neck has been with me in some way on and off mostly on for now almost as long as some of my friends have been alive. I did not grow up thinking I would be a slave to this and that is even when you were not a social leper for smoking, nope I hated them when I was young.
Both my parents smoked, and they did it a lot, my dad smoked really light cigarettes and my mum really heavy ones, they both eventually quit growing tired of them and poof just quit. Me it is another story.

In some ways the cigarette has been my Smokey binky for years a nicotine filled pacifier fed to me graciously by farmers from the southern US and lobbyists in DC. I used to enjoy them, love them, they were my best friend, a companion that never let me down, took care of me when I was stressed and was always there, always. It is first and foremost an addiction one that if you never had you really will have a hard time getting your fresh aired head around.

I will give you and idea how bad this addiction really is. I am a educated, well raised if somewhat yes gutter minded man. But still I am was raised well. So why is it that when I have been out of smokes and poor did I scavenge other peoples butts off the sidewalk for me to get my fix. I have never eaten out of a trash can, nor done anything for any other addiction. Yet these little white straws of pleasure will make me do things that I normally would find repulsive.

When I entered hospital last month my Dr. who was very very anti me or anyone puffing the paper dick convinced me to try and quit. I have been on the patch, gum, lozenges for about a month now and have done pretty damn well. I was a pack to two pack a day smoker, in the last month I have smoked 10 maybe 15 cigarettes. It really is a miracle, because as friends can attest I get a little homicidal when I need my albatross back around my neck and to this day no emotional body count.

I want to quit I am tired of it, and yes I still feel the draw of my old Virgina farmer who yells in my damaged mind, "Steve I am your friend, fuck them all, I make you feel OK". I am out of hospital and not fully back to where I want to be emotionally, and when I am stressed, sad, fuck in any emotional state other than happy I crave a smoke. I had one this morning, and felt dirty, felt like I let myself and my friends down.

I will tweet my daily cave ins as transparency for me is important in quiting, and I hate to fail. This is one of the hardest things I have ever done, seriously it is hard. I am dedicated to this now. I may fall down a lot but I am me and that is par for the course.

"What Makes The Badger's Mind Smile"

2010-07-30T00:23:00.000-07:00

It has been a trying month, I have been jump started more times than a Chrysler K-Car in Juno in January and my brain no longer qualifies for it's energy star rating. I have tossed and turned on plastic piss proof pillows, lived in a constant fear of jello and fought to recover a bit of sanity. Still I try and be upbeat, funny and involved in life. Today I was poking around in my grey matter and seeking what makes my mind smile. In the face of emotional and physical uncertainty what do I believe in? I did what I never do and made a list. Indulge me if you please?

I believe dogs smile, and do so for our happiness
I know that Black Cod is mana from Jebus
Tenderness is too underused and under appreciated
I actually do like people
Today's expectation is Tomorrow's resentment
Talking to Strangers is not only fun, it make the world slower and that is good.
I do not need to be alone.
We only have 16 functional hours in a day and micro-managing everything or trying to fucks up your day.
Raccoons and skunks make me smile..a lot.
When I feel like adult life is beating me down I try to see the world through the eyes of a child.
Dr Pepper makes coke it's bitch.
Life is not fair but life can still be good.
Constantly Surprised by the kindness of others
Life is not static so expecting emotions to be is like pissing in the wind.
Do not be afraid to tell someone you Love them. It has a wonderful effect on your day and maybe just maybe theirs.
never ever ever forget that it is ok to fuck up.
Be Loyal to your Beliefs not Brands
Life Coaches, Gurus, Self Appointed Shamans, and other like minded folk are idiots and deserve to be mocked.
No one is more important than anyone else.
The only perfect person is a perfect asshole.

These are just a few of the things I believe they are not self theology they ebb flow and change as the world I live in changes me. I am not complete nor do I wish to be I just seek, peace, love, fun and knowledge.

"Type B Personality With Type A Issues" "When Nurture & Nurture Collide"

2010-07-27T21:02:00.000-07:00

I am a poster boy for Type "B" personality and pretty much have been most of my life. This is not without the hard work of having two very Type "A" parents. Both very much so yet both very different in their execution of said traits. My Dad a laid back Workaholic with a great gift for humor and a love of total relaxation. You would only have to wait til summer or a holiday in warm climes to witness his almost werewolf like transformation. Dad at the beach was literally a "Bum" , proof of which was his sailor hat with the brim cut off that made him look like some freckled "Village Person cum Gilligan", a sight to behold. But off the beach and off weekends and holidays he worked his ass off, and instilled in me that if you do not work hard you are not a man. ( This is why it is so hard for me to value myself now that I am on disability ) . It is odd because he never judged anyone he just held himself and his family up to a higher standard.

I inherited my Dad's zest for life and humor, it was one of his greatest gifts to me, along with a love of nature, animals, food, and Show Tunes. He is a big part of my Type "B" side, Even as a driven professional man he always saw things in perspectives, he valued the simple things and saw the simple beauty around him. He never complicated beauty, love, or humor, they just were to be admired, tended to and enjoyed.

My Mum was a Type "A" she was a loving and tireless supporter of me even when it was not easy to do so. She also could worry the paint off of a battleship. Mum was Neurotic and a hoarders worst nightmare. They say "Neurotics build castles in the sky, Psychotics live in those castles. My Mum cleaned those castles!! Her war on clutter was famous, as was her organization skills. She was a manager in her soul, she managed everything and anything to the point of my endless frustration. Yet she was kind, gentle and giving like no one else I have ever known personally.

I somehow came out of this cacophony of nuttiness as a Type "B" , I am not a big worrier, nor am I a neat person. I am a fairly laid back person who can see beauty around him without it being a chore. I live for fun and like to make fun for others. I also have some Type A issues that lurk under my twisted shell.

I do not sweat the big stuff, I know what I can and cannot control. But my Mums gift to me was driving myself and others batty about the small stuff, like if she was obsessively cleaning the neurotic detritus in my brain. It is little things that drive me batty and make me stay up at night unable to sleep. I need a roomba for my brain to sweep up the crap that I should not worry about so much.

I see more of my mum in me these days, she tends to come for a visit when I have been sick. I love the person that my Mum was and anyone who really knew her knew her kindness and her nuttiness, but she does not do well alone in my brain., nor does my Dad for that matter. I am just seeking balance is all.

Balance has been difficult for me of late. When I was healthy, working, productive I was a good mix of enough of each of my folks but not too much other either one. I will beat myself up for being ill and not working because that is my dad talking. But I will be easy on anyone else in a difficult situation. Like my mum I can manage other peoples issues with them better than my Dads side can deal with those same issues within me.

There is room for, my Dad, my Mum and what makes me uniquely Steven in me. I just need to find that balance and not let the neurosis of any of them take command, because alone in my head anyone of them left to their own devices can get uglier than seeing your grandma on chat roulette.

To Quote my late wife, " Steven living with you is like watersking behind a aircraft carrier" Sometimes waterskiing is fun.

"The Badger is Mental" " Home is Where You Hang Your Straight Jacket"

2010-07-27T01:19:00.000-07:00

I little over a month ago I was sitting where I am right now on my bed, but what is different now then a month ago is I no longer wish to jump out my window. The depressive side of my Bipolar disorder was on a field trip of which I did not sign the permission slip. Mental Illness for so many is a subject that you do not speak openly about never mind in such a public forum as the internets or twitters. It is usually a secret kept by families and close friends or whispered about at Thanksgiving dinner.

  I have pretty much been open and out about my trials battling this, but not always. I have been out to friends and family, co-workers for years, but I never would have imagined where I would go with it publicly like I have. In the past month I have blogged from the Psych Unit at Burnaby General Hospital, spoken at Vancouver mental Health Camp, Discussed E.C.T. to anyone who would listen and a lot who would not. I am not fully healed yet but I am on the road, partially because I have been so open.

At times I have been called flippant, in my humor and been accused of not taking Mental Health Seriously. Again for years the world has for the most part put people living with mental health issues into narrow boxes, portrayed as, dangerous, or worse less than. I have tried to use humor sometimes in bad taste to document my journey from the edge to somewhere near baseline. I hoped that doing so would make my story easier to swallow for some, more human and less clinical to others. A lot of us IMHO have at some point had or will have contact personally with someone who is living with Mental Illness and humor can break down walls and stigma, it is who I am and I will not stop. I may not be who or what some folks see as a healthy voice for stigma and Mental Health, but it is who I am and most likely will not change. I will still speak out, still us off colour humor and will still be me, love me or hate me that is that.

Now I need to take a moment to thank some of the people who in this past month saved me spiritually, mentally and physically. I may not have remembered all of you but I will thank you in person. The selfless manner in which people I know well and those I barely know have come to my side has been remarkable, from simple emails, texts, comments, tweets to literally coming and physically stopping me from making big mistakes in judgement. I am forever changed by this outpouring of true Love and Compassion. Here are just a few of the wondrous selfless souls whom I cannot ever repay;

First of all "The Millers" Derek & Airdrie who showed me what being unselfish is all about. And not just them
   Their lovely daughters who also welcomed me into their home and made me smile.
   Also in the same family Derek your parents are the best always making me feel like more than just
   your friend.
   Stacey Robinsmith whom I barely know yet came to my aide when i needed most.
   John Mcteague , You are my dear friend and confidant and proof that "Concerts" folks always
   look out for each other.
   Corinna & Adam Carlson, While fighting your own battles you always had time for me.
   Kimli Welch , Your humor and deep kindness made me smile when I could not on my own.
   Monica Hamburg & Chris Lemay. again two more genuine people I can barely say.
   Cathrine Winters, Thank you for looking out for me, and sending help my way when I needed it.
   Stephanie Cameron You my dear also may have saved me from myself on a very dark day, I will
   never forget you for it.
   Anthony Whitrock you sir are a gentleman's gentleman and anyone would be lucky to call you a friend .

   Raul & Isabella both of you trusted me to speak at mental health camp and provided solace when | I needed it. You were caring and professional seeing past some controversy surrounding me and understood that my voice was important to me and maybe i hope others.

   To Val & Val, two great ladies who live in my building and I am honored to call friends.

   I could go on forever here because there are so many of you. I will take the time in the next few days to thank you all personally, just know you all made a difference in this badgers life.

"Revenge Justice? Punishment Justice? or Treatment? Criminal Insanity an Opinion"

2010-07-25T19:26:00.000-07:00

http://www.psychiatrictimes.com/display/article/10168/1358028
Today on the Twitters I entered into a discussion on Criminal Insanity / Mentally Not Responsible pleas. Violent crime is horrible and too often it's victims are women or children and in most cases the person who commits these heinous crimes are capable of knowing right from wrong. They can determine that what they have done is wrong. In fewer cases this is not true, the person who commits a violent act upon another person is unaware or cannot intellectually or emotionally connect that what they have done is wrong.
   Extreme delusions mixed with, paranoia and add in hearing voices telling you to do things you would not normally do cannot be seen as "A person with a little depression who gets a get out jail free card" One that is insulting to those of us who live with Mental Illness every day and do not commit crimes and it is unfair to someone who is very very ill and does commit a crime.
  The Insanity plea is the and rightfully so the hardest plea in the legal system to prove and fail more than it works. Once someone is found no responsible because of mental illness, they are remanded to a forensic psych hospital ( a mental hospital for criminals ) for a undetermined set of time. Some people eventually get released. One of the most famous modern criminally insane cases is the John Hinckley Jr.  case he shot president Reagan and is still in hospital though he can visit his mother 6 days at a time.

   People want to see someone pay for a crime it is not wrong to seek justice, but sometimes justice does not come in a pretty little box for us to enjoy. Sometimes justice is someone who is ill and not safe for society to spend their life in a secure hospital setting. The Mentally Ill in prisons are continued to be victimized by other inmates and often fall victim to crimes worse than the ones they commit. I steer away from the Revenge model of justice and punishment, it for one is not a healthy way to think, but it is not a deterrent to violent crimes . People who want to kill another human being rarely thinks, "Hmm will i get life or the chair? maybe a hospital? " No they think about killing someone, and sometimes it is a illness that drives them to commit these crimes.
Are they innocent , maybe not but should they if not responsible and ill not get treatment? It is not a easy discussion to have but if talking about mental health and stigma, crime, punishment has to be discussed. Also we cannot lump everyone into the same straight jacket. I have Bipolar disorder but I am not violent and I know right from wrong. But some people do not and because of this should not go to prison.
  Also here in Canada someone who commits a murder will probably get paroled years before a person in a forensic hospital gets released. So for some people they think prison life is different from forensic hospital life not really both are locked up not allowed to go free. prisoners can work in prison patients in forensic hospital cannot. prisoners can get personal TV, fridges, and patients cannot. Life for the forensic prisoner is rough and not a holiday. It takes a peaceful heart to seek punishment and not vengeance, to see humane treatment and not warehousing.

Badger Gone Mental "The Not So Mental Badger"

2010-07-23T18:18:00.000-07:00

On Monday I will be having my final E.C.T. treatment and will most likely be discharged. So what does this all mean to me? How do I feel? Will I miss the piss proof pillow? These and more questions beg to be answered, to me anyway. I have been here in "Happy Acres" for a month now, not a easy place to be for anyone. Hospital for all it's best laid plans of being a stress reducer, can be stressful, even though I have still not seen any Jello.

Now I wonder whats next for me. I am still filled with doubt, and fear. I am not fully recovered yet, my mind is still teeming with my depression and anxiety, albeit nowhere near as severe as when I arrived here. Some of the things that dog me are, "what is my purpose now?", "Can I be whole again or am I now damaged goods?" I need to find a direction again in my life, some focus. I may now work to assist Mental Health, agencies, groups and providers to access and use social media.

I know a few things for sure, I could not have gotten through this without the remarkable, love, compassion, friendship of so many people and I hope they will still allow me to lean on them for emotional support while I continue to heal and get my "Sane" legs back. Very few people who leave a psych inpatient unit is fully well when they leave. We are just past the crisis stage of our illness and there is more work to do. Both with my medical doctors, and my therapist.

My journey is still ongoing, this is a new yet revisited chapter, in my life long battle with Mental Illness. I still have a weekend and a couple of days left here and more stories about my life.

Badger Gone Mental Day 30, "Held Hostage By My Health"

2010-07-21T19:10:00.000-07:00

I have now been in the hospital for a month yup one month, it sometimes feels like a lifetime and other times like a blur. Time not withstanding, I needed to be here as my brain when it goes of the reservation it is not a pretty place. I have been lucky that this time I did not leave a trail of horror behind me like some emotional paddle wheel boat. I have in the past hurt those who care the most for me and also myself. As much as I kid living with Bipolar disorder is not a joke, there are days like today that start great and end in me wanting to disappear.

These feelings are attached to my depression and anxiety and play in the same sand box as my PTSD and fear of abandonment. When I am healthy they live quietly in a corner of my brain content to stay there and play with each other. When I am ill they go stir crazy wanting to show off to everyone they see. I only have 3 maybe 4 ECT treatments left. I am beginning to feel them work and hope the remaining ones matched with my increased medication will bring me back to the person I am and that the people who care about me know and love. I am not there yet.

The one thing that is still raging in my rat brain is that I am now worthless, useless a burden to all. I am not writing this to try and get the Äww you are valuable comments, it is really how I feel inside. I am not working and currently on disability for my cancer, I cannot work, but I want to work. For years what defined me was my job, my career, I loved getting up each day to work. I know crazy huh? I was blessed to work in a field I am passionate about. Now that is gone, maybe forever, what use am I what do I contribute to the world. maybe I can think about what can I contribute to the world? I am just not there yet. I see people on transit going to and from work and it makes me sad and angry. I am hoping there is a place in the world for me because I am fighting real fucking hard to stay in it...

"

2010-07-20T18:03:00.001-07:00

"The Badger's Billing Cycle Has Passed if I was a Mobile Phone Comp."

2010-07-20T13:02:00.000-07:00

Today I have been in hospital for a month, so it seems my billing cycle is up and will now charge the Nurses roaming fees for when they are at lunch or gossiping and not attending to the badgers many needs. Their unlimited data plan is over as it was introductory and now I will charge them anything over 500mb of data, this includes but not limited to;

"How are We feeling today comments"
The 900th time they walk by my room screaming breakfast like some medical Paul Revere.
Why are you not married?
"Why do you read so much and not come out and play cards?

If they want to upgrade to new Patient they must first give me a private room, daily foot rubs, and access to a mini bar.

Seriously it has been a month and I am beginning to see light at the end of the tunnel, lets hope it is not a train or a midget with a flashlight. I have had 4 E.C.T. treatments without major side effects, and my mood has increased around 45% I am turning the corner. I will need maybe 4-5 more treatments and should be out at the end of next week or mid-week the following.

I need to take a second to thank everyone who has supported me through this process in my life, and most of you barely know me yet have shown me such kindness and humanity. I will personally thank all of you when I am out, the list is long, very long. Thank you as well to everyone whom I do not know who reads my blog or follows me on Twitter. I am also moved by your words of encouragement.

Tick Tock Tick Tock, The Badger, Depression & Time, Lots of Time"

2010-07-19T10:26:00.000-07:00

As I stumble closer to being in Hospital for a whole month some things are becoming clear to me, as clear as that can be through the eyes of myself whilst sitting here trying to get well. I am a very paitent man believe it or not. Being a type B non-linear  thinker helps in situations like this. Some may doubt my type b-ness because I can be a big personality, but those who really know me see that.
  Still I have been here 3 days shy of a month. To put that in perspective that is a Billing Cycle for your HD cable service. My depression is still playing games with my head, it is still telling me I am worthless that no one really wants to be near me that I will not recover and be sick now forever. My rational mind knows it is not true but my ill mind believes it.
  i am also scared the ECT will flip me into Mania putting me into a state that I fear. When I really am the Badger 24/7 and I work real hard to destroy all around me. But I am in a safe place getting good care. I am still trying to get my netbook approved on the ward. I have been here a fucking month, they can at least throw me a bone or maybe some airmiles...

I am still feeling extreme loneliness as well as I am still at times feeling the effects of the effects of last week, My ability to trust has been stretched not broken just stretched leaving me feeling exposed and raw.

There is a chance that I could be here another month as my treatments are twice a week instead of three times a week. I am hoping this is not the case. If so I will get more overnight passes and will get to spend more time with friends and less with some of the bitchy nurses.

"The Day The Badger was Almost on a Milk Carton"

2010-07-17T18:16:00.000-07:00

This afternoon for the first time in my life I felt my life was in danger from another person who is living with mental illness. I am actually at the time of this writing still shaken up by the experience. I will explain the events of this afternoon, they are in no way saying that all people living with mental illness are dangerous they are not. Nor was this person knowingly being dangerous it was just her illness and she is very ill right now.

When I first came on the ward i met some other patients as you do. Being somewhat social is important and I have in the past met some wonderful people in the psych ward. Good people can get sick . So when this person whom I met and had been discharged asked me if I wanted to go get a Dr. Pepper ( which is a weakness for me) I shrugged and said sure. At the time of her discharge see seemed healthier and responsible. As soon as we were driving, the wheels fell off this trip and she swtiched.

Now bipolars and people with schizophrenia can be delusional and hear voices or think they are being told or controlled bu outside people. It can seem scary to people, I am used to it for the most part and understand where it is coming from. BUT!!!!!

\When you are in the passager seat of a car screaming down city streets at speeds up to 100mph and you are being told ."I am rescuing you they are trying to stop your brain from growing with the ECT." and "I know you were raped too in there everyone is" you get a little worried. As she drove I kept asking her to return me to the hospital and she would not, Only driving faster and harder whilst telling me more about her spirit self and how I needed to be saved.

She finally drove me back to hospital after around 35 minutes of this which seemed like hours, and I quickly told the nursing staff, then filled out a report for the RCMP. and chewed on two pieces of nicotine gum. bad day to stop smoking. I settled down but was still nervous coming to the cafe to use my netbook.

While I had this experience I need to point out that this young lady is ill, very ill and needs help. She is highly educated, a accomplished athlete and from a good family. Just her mental illness is controlling her life right now. I wish her no harm, I only hope she can find help before a tragedy happens that no hospital or med can take care of.
I know kind of understand the terror a person feels when they are abducted, or held against their will. It is a scary place that I would not like to visit or wish on anyone. I have also witnessed the power of the mind when it is in runaway mode, and at the peak of Mania. Concerned as well that this young lady was able to fool the staff into thinking she was healthy enough to leave when it is obvious she was not. This places can and are sadly a revolving door. I have seen three people leave and return so far in my short stay. They can get us stable but not make us take our meds. Some people need a greater support system, helping them understand why taking meds if you need them is important also watching behavior when discharged from hospital.

I dont think she would have harmed me but we could have had a serious accident that could have killed us or others. Will I jump in the car with another patient , nope I learned my lesson and even I can be too trusting.

E.C.T. Part Duex "Shock The Badger"

2010-07-14T20:19:00.000-07:00

Hello again folks, did yah miss me? I am back still in hospital but back blogging all the same. As you may or may not know I have been waiting for E.C.T. (Electro Convulsive Therapy) for a couple of weeks now. It seems that it has been booked solid. It is easier to get into a New York City hot spot on a Saturday night wearing flip flops, a I Love NY tee-shirt and mesh shorts than to get ECT here in Vancouver.

So this made me think, and you know it is dangerous when I think. back to my thought now. If ECT is so booked up how come you never hear about it or know someone who has had it? You would think someone would talk? Right? Well in my opinion there are two reasons why you never hear about it and the big one is once again "Stigma", yes the word of the month and rightfully so. You can go to a party, event gathering and hear people talk about i took Zoloft, or my wife takes Prozac. I have overheard many a conversation on the manic need for carbs from Seroquil. But you never hear, "Hey I just finished a course of ECT now I am going to Disneyland like some bad Pharma Advert.
It is because ECT carries a stigma, not only the horrific media stigma like from film, but also the stigma that it is used for the worst of the worst. The most dangerous mental health patients. These myths and urban ledgends keep darkness and silence on the fact that ECT is a common and widely used treatment for, Depression, Mania, and Parkinsons, yup folk even Parkinsons. People who get it are afraid others will judge them for it, like employers who would not bat an eye if you took Prozac but get a little electricity and bamm you are unclean and untouchable. So we keep quiet, but not me figures. And if you look on the googles it is full of modern horrific tales of ECT gone bad and little positive. The net loves bad stories and maybe people who have good experiences just go on with their lives without feeling the need to youtube their asses off.

There is also the Pharma industry they have a profit motive for not talking about ECT they sell drugs, lots of them. And in a lot of cases ECT lowers the amount of drugs you must take. So they do not like that they want to sell more drugs. I am not saying Pharma is bad, a lot of people are alive because of Big Pharma friends, family and myself included. What I am saying is ECT is kept quiet a dirty little secret.

So if someone starts talking about depression or meds at a event or party tell them you know someone who had ECT and i worked great for them and it is not cruel, does not lobotomize you or make you vote Republican . It is another tool in managing mental health, and you can think of it as a kinda natural way, no chemicals, like the "Whole Foods" vegan form of Mental Health Care. Seriously though lets help reduce stigma everywhere in Mental Health and not just on the topics and treatments we like.

MY Health Comes First "Badger takes a Blog Siesta"

2010-07-12T18:56:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone after my mental health took a downward spiral yesterday I will not be blogging every day for now. Please understand and stay tuned as I will resume as soon as it is healthy and emotionally safe to do so. I am ok, still in hospital. Thank you to the people who just may have stopped me from doing harm to myself last night. I was in a bad space and with out you who knows.

See you all soon thanks for reading, The Badger is Out but not gone.

"Mental Health Camp 2010 My View after a Nap"

2010-07-11T13:19:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I attended and spoke at Mental Health Camp 2010 in Vancouver and after a long need sleep after an emotional day here is what I saw, experienced and learned from the event. I will not mention my session or the panel I was on after this sentence as the event was not about "ME" in the manner of what I did or did not contribute. It was about did the event serve the community, by community I mean people living with, loving with and working with Mental Illness?

For me I saw and experienced people who are passionate about this community, seeking to lower the stigma that still effects us some of daily. I was lucky to meet a lovely young lady who was recently diagnosed with the same thing I have and who moved me with here courage to attend such a public event and not only "Be"there but to actively participate. I also learned from here as well. So you can teach an old badger new tricks.

I too was impressed with the people who work in Mental Health Care and Advocacy to participated and were excited on how social media can be used to help them and their clients communicate in the age of digital media.

We know we are preaching the choir and converted but that is not the issue in this still young event. We are also trying to inspire others to work to educate, live better lives with and end the Stigma surrounding Mental Illness. At the end of the day it does not matter what did not work perfect, or other petty ego driven bull shit. It is about people plain and simple.

I enjoyed meeting so many new faces, i was moved to be supported by so many friends who came out and was honored to collaborate with my peers. I want to Thank Issabella, and Raul for organizing the event, to all the volunteers who make events like these possible and without them I would not have had a cookie, i joke but they made to day possible. I would also like to thank all the other speakers I heard and to thank Airdrie Miller who idea seeded this still growing and new event.

Mental Health is a personal journey that we must at time walk alone but we also need others to truly live with and cry with, laugh with and understand with.......

Day 15 Of The Badger Goes Mental " Two Week Still No Jello"

2010-07-09T15:04:00.000-07:00

It has been two weeks that the intrepid Badger has been on the Psych ward. Whilst all of you have been laying over night in your own moisture I am comfy on my plastic piss proof mattress in air conditioned bliss. Sure I am in a bowl of fruit loops but since I am one of them it is ok.

My depression is still fucking with me as I have yet to get a date on starting my ECT as they are booked up, it seems ECT is trending here in Burnaby. I also cannot do out patient as my neck is too large and I could have problems breathing so I have to be in a recovery room to have my brain tickled. it seems that I am a fat badger I have also still only had two smokes since Monday a feat that is only out done by putting a man on the Moon and the success of American Idol.

Sometimes when you are in hospital all you can focus on is "You" makes sense right? well this frustration is not seen by the staff who have 100s of things to worry about. So my anger get up. I want to give up on treatment and go home to wallow. I just met with a internist who said, "You do not look like someone who is depressed and needs ECT" He cannot see my mind or maybe does not understand that for moments I can be happish only to retreat to my depression moments later.

Day14 Of The Badger Goes Mental " Your Child Arrived & Other Stigma"

2010-07-08T09:18:00.000-07:00

Hello all and thank you for hanging in there with me while I sort my brain out here in The Burnaby Brain Spa. Yesterday was a mixed bag My mood went on a unexpected side trip from, Depression to Anger, to a bit of food and friend induced happiness, to raging anger, sadness and disappointment. It was like my brain and mood decided to visit every country in some emotional EPCOT.

   STIGMA! one of my pet peeves especially from health care providers and the other night whilst the Badger was waiting for his evening nommy meds at the nurses station. I overheard this comment from one nurse to another verbatim. "You New Child Has Arrived" this was in reference to a new Adult Patient being admitted. I did tell the other nurse I found that offensive and she agreed in a kind of placating manner. I am sure if i was not there or overheard it she would not have been bothered by it. We are NOT CHILDREN we are adults many older than the nurses helping us, It is absolutely never OK to refer to us as children. As Derek said to me at the BC Cancer agency he would never be referred to as pukey.

   It is hard enough to fight stigma in the public forum without dealing with it when we are at our most vulnerable in hospital.

I was also on the receiving end of some personal stigma last night, and if it were not for the help of some folks I trust it may have sent me over the anger edge. I will chalk that event up to personal crap and leave it alone. Today I will not own this anger because if I pick it up and play with it the anger will become toxic and eventually poison my emotional well and all whom I care about who drink from it.

I will attempt to have a even better day and on my quitting smoking program I have only had 2 cigarettes in three days and if you know me that is a miracle of Moses proportions  and i have not killed anyone.......yet
Go out and enjoy your day tell someone you Love Them and be nice to a stranger....

   Love The Badger

Day 11 of The Badger Goes Mental, "Poor Sleep, Fjords, Poor Tacos"

2010-07-06T18:51:00.000-07:00

I slept like crap last night, maybe it was because of the dip in my depression, maybe having a new roommate who may or may not want to eat my spleen like he threatened this morning to do. I know it is his illness but when a guy who is staying where I am staying says, " You look evil, next time you sleep I will eat your insides" you take note. But back to my sleep, sometimes depression makes me want to do nothing else but sleep, this time, as it turns out when I have nothing but nothing to do I cant sleep at all, Meh... Just when I think I can get a handle on understanding my depression it pulls out a new "feature & Benefit" like some mental health salesman on commission, last night I even took two imovain a sleeping pill like "Ambian" and nothing poop just nothing. The first time I took one of these it was more than half the does and I feel asleep at the kitchen table for 8 hours only to awake to the laughter of my wife and the lady in the loft next door who she snuck in to get a peek at my upright drooling slumber. I hope to sleep better tonight and to wake up with a spleen and maybe a liver, i would not mind if some fat was gone liposuction is so pricey these days.

Today I did wake feeling somewhat better and nothing makes me happier than driving, well ok I admit beer, unscrambled porn in hotel rooms and cheese make me very happy. But Driving is right up there.
It is not just driving, it spending time with friends who support me, who make me feel safe and valued who can make me laugh when I find it difficult to like myself let alone enjoy anything else. So my friend Airdrie can by to pick me up in her new fun to hoon Mazda and let me drive. She figured it was safe as I was not wearing tin foil. We drove to Squamish up the "Sea To Sky" Highway ( for all my non Vancouver readers i recommend google maps) It was a fun drive up the roads are twisty and we listened to "This American Life" a NPR treasure. Upon driving up I spotted a "Taco Bell" here in Vancouver they are harder to find than Rush Limbaugh at a Obama garden party. I wanted wait needed some taco bell badness. The food was not bad typical Taco bell but the service was tragic very much so. Three Staff and the only one really working was a Bitter German Octogenarian. Then we drove home enjoying the spectacular view of our coastal Fjords.

This post is not directly about my mental health but in some ways it is. My depression is constant ever present and there, But when I am with people I feel safe around I can manage, I can see the beauty in the Fjords, The fast food goodness of Taco Bell and the enjoyment of driving twisty roads and good music. These friends unknowing and knowing make by days bearable, are like a wind that can blow a hole in this heavy fog of my depression, and when I cannot see through the fog they are my fog horn.

I thought I had no Family left that I was now truly alone, but I am not people like The Millers and their lovely kids not to mention Derek's fantastic parents. My brother from another mother John McTeague in NY, and to so many others here in Vancouver. I now have a butt load of Fog Horns and hopefully by dawn my spleen.

Day 10 Of The Badger Goes Mental " Depression, Meds & Tobacco, Jebus Give Me Strength"

2010-07-05T16:34:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the odd timed posts of late, I was finding it difficult to write every evening before bed as sometimes I want to spend time with my visitors and not feel rushed so I will now post at my leisure. My roommate is now gone sent home and I had one night alone, I successfully fought off the urge to dance, as a nurse could just walk in and see my junk in it's ungroomed glory. You see knocking before entering seems to be a issue in hospital, they just enter like your university friend in the dorm who just scored a dime bag and a copy of "Forest Hump". A simple knock and brief pause would be civilized, and not my least favorite know whilst opening the door, who the fuck does that. In some places in Alberta or Idaho that would get you shot.

Still battling my depression I am up I am down lately I am down more than up kinda like ATT's 3g service. So I soldier on. I have also taken the first steps in quiting smoking, I know Holy Shit!!!! The Badger is Quiting Smoking...The end times must be neigh. For a while now my smoking has been more of addiction than joy, a giant Smokey monkey on my back. The addiction to nicotine is worse than heroin and not as bad as meth but it is very tough. I have smoked for years it was my mistress always there when I needed her. She was with me when I was sad, happy, after a full tummy and after good sex. Now I sent her packing with the help of a patch and gum. I will let you know when I commit my first homicide over a bus seat or a well done steak.

Today I bantered around in twitter land in a discussion about meds for nuts. Taking meds is a persons right as is not taking them, it is personal decision. Unless you are a danger to you or others I feel you should never be forced to take them. I have been on some form of Psych med since I was 16, My liver is the Keith Richards liver of Crazy Pills I have taken them all. Some stop working for me, some made me fat, really fat, some made me dizzy. I am pretty good meds right now. The one thing I do know is the mind of someone with mental illness will tell them they feel better and, "Why Not Stop The Meds" "I Can Manage With Out Them" .... BULL SHIT... If you are on meds and "Well" then when you are off them "Not Well" take your fucking meds if not for you for your family, friends, coworkers and random strangers. If you talk to mental health professionals you will find the number 1 reason why people return to hospital is Med Compliance they stop taking their meds. Sure there are websites that say take this supplement and you will be fine, again I call Bull Shit, a fucking banana and a pear will not change your brain chemistry anymore than walking thru a hospital makes you a doctor.

I perfect example of the "NO MEDS" are good meds camp is the Cult Of Scientology they professes a hate towards mental health care and instead use vitamins , diet and e-meters and we know how well that seems to be working for our favorite , gay midget actor Tom Cruise. Yes diet can help to make you better yes getting off the sofa and just going for a walk releases chemicals of pleasure in your brain, But before you decide to stop taking your meds or changing your meds talk with your doctor, and consult a dietitian. because a healthy diet will make you feel better. Except in my case where I live for fried foods, organ meats and cheese

Day 9 of The Badger Goes Mental " Party Night & Return to Ward"

2010-07-04T13:45:00.000-07:00

Last night the Badger escaped the ward on a pass to attend the birthday hoopla for my friend Derek @penmachine . Getting the pass was great and I got to let loose see some great friends and get pretty drunk. All in all a good time I also met some new folks as well.
The difficult time for me was this morning and to some extent last night. As much fun as I was having my depression was still lurking like some emotional squatter in my brain. While people laugh, drink and eat, then head home to their beds and fluffy duvets I know I am returning here to hospital, that I am not well enough to be in my own bed watching TV and smoking. I am here where yes I need to be so I can be healthy again, but it still stings. My depression tells me I am worthless, that I will never get well and that I cannot have a normal life.

How fucked is it having these thoughts and being enlightened enough to know it is my illness talking? Fighting and living with mental illness is a war some battles you win, some you loose. You may loose some ground you fought for one day and find new ground another. I am not giving up and will not but the battle is tough today maybe tomorrow or later it will be unicorns crapping out rainbows, who knows. What I do know is that I am a fighter, I am stubborn, I am a Badger......... Oh and still no signs of Jello so I have that going for me.

Day 8 of the Badger goes Mental, " High Anxiety for The Badger"

2010-07-02T19:43:00.000-07:00

Today was a mix of emotions I had a welcomed early visitor Stacey Robinsmith who was at hospital with a family member and was kind enough to share a coffee and some time. Thank you Stacey. And I went out for a bit with my friend Airdrie.

Still thru it all something was not quite right, kinda like bacon and mayo left out in the sun, or Lindsy Lohan's face. It is anxiety, i have been dogged by endless anxiety today. I am not sure why but it is there staring at me like some creepy clown, or Jello. Fuck it is driving my mood down and making me restless.

On a helpful hint from the Bat Shit Crazy Badger. Never buy anything from a cart in a mall, it is all questionable and may cause injury or disfigurement.

I really feel like crap so I will keep it short tonight. Have a great night all see you when I wake up and the meds kick in.

Day 8 of The Badger Goes Mental , " Emptying Trash From The Past" a Belated entry

2010-07-02T10:21:00.000-07:00

First to all my readers I apologizes for not posting last night. I was in a uncomfortable space holding a personal secret from my past that has haunted me for years. So far I have only told two close friends my friend John Mcteague and Airdre. Some secrets haunt you, make you question your worth and value this one one of them. I was also afraid some people would not understand. It does not involve anything morally horrible like kicking kittens nor did I murder someone. Just my own personal demon.

Back to yesterday , still thank "The Flying Spaghetti Monster" no jello but I did get butterscotch pudding of which am like a meth addict with I scammed 6 big bowls of it's baby shit brown goodness. I also saw a patient attach another one so bad the RCMP had to come. It is very sad when a illness turns on ones brain so bad that they will harm another. On the other hand we have a lovely young woman who has been catatonic and is now watch tv with us and trying to joke around. It is this kind of experience where you see the humanity in the ward. Watching other patients helping and looking out for someone who cannot for herself. For those of you who or anyone who thinks people living with mentally illness are lazy, cold, odd, untrustable, and selfish, spend a day here and you will be proven wrong.

Tonights post will be focused on Mad Pride, so stay tuned it should be a good one!!!!

Day 7 Of "The Badger Goes Mental" My Brain is Kinda Broken"

2010-06-30T20:18:00.000-07:00

suicide proof steel mirror

Happy Anniversary to Me!!! I have now been in the mental bed & breakfast for a week now, if you substitute breakfast with Lithium and powdered eggs, meh. My day today was better than yesterday not because I am feeling better but I was able to go out and wander for a few hours. In the ward things were more like you would expect for a psych ward. Some patients went off the rails and had to be put in the quiet room. One gentleman was released this morning only for me to see him being brought back to Emerg buy the RCMP. That is the difficult thing for me to see as I knew he was not ready to leave but they did and now he had to humiliated by being brought back in again by the police. It makes me question the doctors when they rush someone out who needs the bed and the care, yet keep someone in who is ready to go home or really is not a threat to themselves or others.

Some Highlights and Lowlights from my week in Bulleted form;

Still no signs of Jello appearing but I am always vigilant as I fear they may put some on my bedside table while I am out.
I hate my shrink he is a beardo control freak and if he says that I need to loose weight one more time I will bite off his nose to spite his face, and tap dance on his apparently small genitalia.
My Friends Derek (@penmachine) & Airdrie (@airdrie) have been fantastic friends showing me such kindness and support that I thought was impossible not so long ago. Also their girls have made me laugh when I thought I could not laugh.
I am still waiting for a date for E.C.T. I guess it is busy maybe they are having a sale buy one ECT get the next one for half price.
I am making "Crazy People Art" in arts & crafts, I will take requests maybe sell some on estsy.
The nursing staff here as always are caring, sympathetic and quiet funny.
I have avoided the seclusion room so far, last time I was here I was locked in the rubber less rubber room 3 times.

I cannot say that I am looking forward to another week here but I do know that I am in the right place for me at the moment and that there is nothing to be ashamed about having a Mental Illness. I just feel sad for people who know something is wrong or suffer from deep depression and do not seek help. There is a way out from this shroud of darkness, this sucker of all joy. All you have to do is talk to someone.

I drew a map of my ward so you can all see the Badger's Enclosure!

Day 6 of "The Badger Goes Mental" " Ode to Paper Shoes & Piss Proof Pillows"

2010-06-29T20:35:00.000-07:00

On Tonight's Episode of The Badger Goes Mental, Day 6 "Paper Shoes & Piss Proof Pillow"
In the Nut Hatchery status among patients is not social economic. Sure we have a couple of "lord of Flies"moments which vanish as quickly as Lindsy Lohan's adult career. This is due in part to fear of the isolation room. A jail type room with a pissproof mattress on the floor and stainless steel sink / toilet just like in prison.

If you stand up for yourself or self advocate some drs. and nurses see you as out of control and have you locked up. Yes the isolation room has it's benefits for when someone is out of control, but iot can be abused when used to just give a nurse or doc some peace from an annoying patient. Back to the theme of the day.

The social status in the ward starts with, who has there own clothes and who is wearing hospital gowns. I notice this at meals where the gowned eat with the gowned and the clothes eat with the clothes. Even in here people are lumped into some kind of caste. Then it breaks down even more those who can go outside and those who can't and at the top of pecking order those that can leave hospital grounds. Some move quickly like me others languish in paper shoes for weeks with the only fresh air they get is in the caged garden in the back. My friend Airdre commented it was like a zoo for crazy folks and she is right it has that feel to it.

I have had a hard day today, depression mixed with chronic and acute pain do not mix well and my arrogant beardo Doctor who says I do not need pain meds. Also even if I am allowed out of the hospital I am still an inpaitent I still sleep with a piss proof pillow and being awoke every hour by the safety checks by the nurse. I am also fighting with balancing this blog with humor and seriousness as I fear I am being too silly and not serious enough. For this I would appreciate some feedback. i am off to bed thank you all again for reading my rants of a crazy man and offering me such great personal support

Day 5 of The Badger Go9es Mental, " The Badger Bites His Handlers & Other Weirdness"

2010-06-28T18:46:00.000-07:00

As Day 5 tumbles to it's finish like some tortoise and hare race except the Hare is wearing a straitjacket and the poor tortoise stopped to hoard apple juice and crackers. Today was an odd day for me as I went postal on my doctor and laid the line down to my roommie.

As you know I have a really fucked back, I am in chronic pain always and sometime this pain get worse and becomes acute. Last night I entered a acute horrific stage of pain, unable to walk ten metres without feeling like Oprah is dancing on my spine, whilst Nancy Grace is gnawing on it. The pain I blame on the beds in the Six Flags of Crazy. They are like building a bridge on Pancakes, except you cannot eat the mattresses, and if you did your diagnosis would probably change and that I do not need.

A little recent History for you. When I was in the Emerg getting admitted the shrink said, "yes we will get you pain meds once you are on the ward". That was 5 days ago and my pain free future looks bleak.
My Dr, whom has a beard and probably likes Jello and kicks Kitties said "NO PAIN MEDS" i could just take Tylenol. Fuck You bearded shrink!! I have a history with this Putz he was my shrink for couple of days last time I was hear and I dumped him then for being a insensitive, arrogant ass. But I was willing to give him another chance til today. See he is a dr who prefers his patients to be soft and submissive, unaware of their rights and easily pushed around. I am not that patient, Not even close, So I went Badger on him and anyone who would listen. I also called my outside dr and told him about how I was treated.

I have talked before about the 2 tier Medical System we have. If I was in hospital for lets say some kind of infection, or maybe gout and My back was in the shape it is in I would be getting to see another doc and getting pain management asap. But if you are crazy it is different story. And being depressed sucks being depressed and in pain is a horror show. You would think DR. Beardo would want to make me pain free in order to get me healthy faster. So that was my day, I am lucky my Nurse today is one of the top 3 psych nurses I have ever had. Today I am a Bitter Badger I hope tomorrow goes more gentle. Again Thank you all for your continued support and for reading my rants and drivel.

Day 4 of "The Badger Goes Mental" "The Badger is Bored by The Sabbath"

2010-06-27T18:01:00.000-07:00

It is day four of my voyage to wellness and It is also Sunday the Sabbath if you are not Jewish or a Seventh Day Adventist. What does this mean, you ask? Major Boredom, they are no activities, doctors, groups, underwater basket weaving on Sundays. There is lots of pacing, 6 year old magazines and more gruel for dinner. So I went out for a Japadog and coffee with internet. As much fun as this seems I am still unable to really get pleasure from much these days, a symptom of depression, meh with a capital MEH.

Tonight's topic of this post is "Booby Hatchery Staff the good the bad and the sometimes ugly". Most of use are familiar with Mental Health professional by what we see on TV, the Nurse Ratchet from Cookoo's Nest or the stereotypical shrink who is a mix of a weirdo with a beard and a Sadist who gets pleasure from making us crazy folk suffer. These are myths , are there nurse ratchets, kinda some nurses do not like their jobs or their paitents. Some others keep the Stigma going by creating a tiered level of care based on your diagnosis, they like depressed people but not manics, and so on. It is sad that some still operate this way. But there are the ones who are compassionate, kind, helpful and caring. These are at least at Burnaby General the rule rather than the exception.

Then we have the Docs, mine happens to have a beard which in psychiatry seems to run as epidemic as beards on men in Orthodox Jewish community or in beardos on the hipster ghetto of Main Street. Some doctors will not only judge you on your diagnosis but will also judge you on your education and socio-economic status. If you are rich educated and bat shit crazy you get a pass, if you are from the DTES or Surrey well that is a different story. But they are NOT sadists they actually want you to get better there is no reward for keeping your sick. A lot of patients do not trust the doctors and think they are cruel or cold. They see thousands of ill people a year, and they tend to have a low threshold for BS.

It is great when you are with staff that include you actively in your treatment plan who treat you as a human and that is what I mostly experience.

If you are ever in my shoes, or know someone who is, give the staff a break they also are human and many of them also have a mental illness because "Nuts Has No Boundaries" Again thank you all for your continued support the comments you leave help me thru my days of bad tv, gruel and other weirdness that you can only find where I am.

Day 3 O'Badger Goes Mental "The Great Escape & Nut House Socializing How To"

2010-06-26T20:51:00.000-07:00

Day 3 of my madness odyssey brings "The Great Escape of The Badger" brought to you by Derrek and Airdrie Miller. I received a day pass today and thanks to the Millers I actually had good food not gruel meant to be eaten by octogenarians with bad dental work. We went for Pho which is right in my comfort zone food wise it is the Vietnamese version of Jewish Matzo Ball Soup if you added tripe, beef tendons and beef. The Crazy ass Badger was kinda happy and rejoiced after with some supervised retail therapy. A ill Bipolar should never shop alone. Need proof I once bought two Mercedes S class cars at one time and on another fruit loop adventure when my wife was away on a work assignment sold all our furniture and bought new furniture dropping 60K ion one afternoon. Today I got a new pair of Keen Sandals and some Old Navy disposable clothing. I also bought flip flops for our Troops in Afghan for 6 bucks.
My friend Airdrie was worried about my impending ECT treatments and watched a educational dvd on it at the hospital. It shows how bad film and media portray ECT compared to the actual treatment itself.

On now to make friends and socialize on the ward. It is can be an odd experience for many reason of which I will now list in convenient bulleted points ;

Stigma: yup stigma fighting off your own personal stigma of others illness is not easy sometime especially when you are locked up with other ill people, some of which are douche bags and or white trash. But I try to remember that they are ill too and suffering no matter how many Ed Hardy shirts you wear. I can have compassion for another's illness but have a hard time with their trashiness.
Manics Vs Depressives: pick your social poison but I prefer the depressives to socialize with they are less likely to annoy me. Even when I am full on manic I prefer the depressed and the other manics compete for my crazy limelight.
Cigarettes: You will be asked for smokes all the time. Some people are too poor or have no family and hanging with other puffer fish is a shared bond. But do not keep giving smokes or you will develop a extra conjoined twin in the form of a mentally ill person and it is bad enough living with just yours.

These are just the basics and I will add to them as my trip here continues. As for my mood it is up and down I am fighting both mania and depression which sucks. and speaking of sucking have I mentioned the plastic piss proof pillows and my fruit hoarding roomie who is also afraid of the dark and keeps his night on all night? I am truly hit the roomie lottery. Tomorrow is Sunday and I do not think I will have any visitors. My plan is to avoid all Jello or Jello products, finish reading a book, bark at some squirrels, expound on the art of Tin Foil Hat making and possibly lick the door knob in my room because my roomie is afraid of germs. Again thank you all for your support and for reading may daily posts. I hope you enjoy them as much as I do writing them. Now to sign off from S.S. Nut Bar and will say ado!

Day 2 of Badger Gone Mental, "Dance That Crazy Ass Dance"

2010-06-25T19:02:00.000-07:00

As Day 2 comes to a close, yes I am still bat shit nuts but there is some idea of the itinerary on my trip to madnessville. First stop I am no longer committed I am now Volunteer, which in crazy speak means that I am allowed to wander around outside when I want and if I do not return the police will not seek to speak with me.

Here at Burnaby General there are Levels of freedom given to patients based on the risk of self harm. they are;

Level 1 : You are dressed head to toe in the classic fashion of the Bonkers, a gown in a lovely shade of light blue ( assless if you are daring and you double up if you are shy), hospital socks and you cannot leave the ward for nothing, not even if you are talking to Jesus which I think a couple of folks are, so I asked them to put in a good word for me. I can use all the help I can get.
Level 2 : no more sexy blue robes you can wear your own clothes but you still cannot go out and wander the grounds.
Level 3: You are free to wander the grounds for a hour, go for a smoke buy Tim bits at the Tim Hortons in the cafe.
Level 4: You can go out all day anywhere you wish but you have to return at night for dreams on your piss proof pillow.
Level 5: Over night passes, which can be lots of trouble or fun depending on how sick you are and creative as well.

I have gone right from Level 2 to Level 4 I way always a over achiever now I can go to metrotown and wander around like a octogenarian if I like.

I will be beginning my ECT tune up on Monday so lets hope I do not forget any of you or my website passwords especially for that midget porn site. My roommate has severe OCD but is a slob huh that is a new one for me and if you read my tweets from earlier you know his mum looks like Cher after 6 month binge on Meth. He also bought around 20 pounds of fruit today, I hope he eats it all or our room will be like a fruit fly version of free buffet at a blogger convention.

My mood still sucks and I still feel helpless, hopeless and crappy, I know and hope it will be changing after monday's plug into the electric grid. Still no Jello thank god lunch was a hospital version of Mac & Cheese, and was actually pretty damn good, I could have done without the turnips, fuck this place loves turnips.

I ventured into Arts & Crafts today which is so stereo typically psych ward ironic it is almost a hipster activity. I made a plaque for some friends. If you have any requests I can make you a dream catcher or maybe colour you a picture with crayons.

This place is not all that horrible, it is clean, we are treated with respect and if you need help it can safe or change your life. My writing these daily blurbs about my stay are to breakdown stigma. If you have any questions leave them on my blog, and I will answer them for you.

"The Badger Goes Mental" or "There Will Be Jello" Day 1 in Hospital

2010-06-24T20:29:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone, some of you already know that last night I checked myself into hospital for depression associated with my Bipolar Disorder. The choice to seek help when sick is never an easy or flipant one. it comes with a bucketful of fear, shame, anixty and my hatred of Jello or any Jello based food stuffs.

I am a very self aware person in regards to my illness and I knew it was the right time to seek some help. I am also blessed to have friends who support me and care for me without judgement and that too makes this much easier to deal with. I really need to thank Airdrie and Derek for all their support and to Airdrie for driving me to hospital and tonight for bringing me bacon cheeseburger therapy. Good friends are to be cherished and they are greatly appreciated.

I will try and blog every day from here in Holiday Inn for Nuts in order to share and shine light on what a mental health hospital stay is like. So here we go with day one's breakdown;

I spent the night on a stretcher in the Emerg because there was no room in the Inn for the loopy badger, and was blessed with robes of blue cotton assless gowns and socks with rubber nubs on them. I also recived my hospital jewelery two lovely bracelets. I told my story to no less than 6 different people so much so that I was beginning to feel like "RainMan". The gave me some nice sedatives as I have not been sleeping much of late and I passed out to a family argument over laxatives in Italian.

This morning I was moved to the IPU ( Inpatient Psych Unit) and settled in my little bed with it's delightful plastic piss proof pillow, eat your hearts out Four Seasons. The food is a kind of gruel so far and no salt or pepper |I may need to sneak in some hot sauce. I had my first visit with my Dr. who ladies and some men would find quiet attractive and went over out plans for my stay at "Spa Du Kookoo".

Burnaby General in my opinion has the best Mental Health Care around they make you part of the conversation about your care which is so very important and here is a brief breakdown;

Meds will not change, but I will be taking sedatives to help me sleep and deal with anxiety.
I will be getting some maintenance ECT (Electro Convulsive Therapy) you can read about my previous ECT experience here.
I am currently commited but still am allowed to leave the ward to wander, smoke and blog
My roommates mum looks like a meth head Cher.
It seems there was a douchebag special on beds as we have alot of young douchey ed hardy types.
One spot smells like pee and it is near the food, ewww
I will probably be here for 3 weeks or so but will get to stay at home some nights

I am hoping to blog everyday and hope it to be insightful, funny and honest. Thank you everyone for all your suppport it makes this experience so much easier to handle. You can also visit me if you like I am at Burnaby General Hospital in the booby hatchery.

"Diagnosis Bingo! and How I was eventually Bipolar"

2010-06-08T01:09:00.000-07:00

  My journey through my own personal crazy made a lot of stops as if my brain did not want to take the psychiatric express train but instead preferred buying a Eur-Rail pass to Fruit Cake Land instead.

  For many people the path to mental health diagnosis comes after they discover they are suffering and or are so ill that there is no denying they have something going on upstairs. It may be depression, or paranoia, simple traits for a professional to see and diagnose. In some cases and in mine it was not so easy.

I always knew that I was different from a early age, a sense of just not quite being right but how was I to know it was a harbinger of things to come. When I was young and I know this will come to shock to whoever knows me, I was painfully shy. I avoided talking to strangers or meeting new people, and would have full on panic attacks if pushed into social situations. I also acted out and was unable to focus on things at one moment and obsessed on things as well. I was unpredictable and frankly and pain in the ass for my parents, family and teachers. Not knowing what was going on in my own head my parents sent me to child shrink when I was 12. This shrink just watched me play games, draw, and listened to me talk and here was his diagnosis which was the first square in my diagnosis bingo.
"Steven shows an above average intelligence but also shows impulse control issues, I think in my bearded opinion he is mildly autistic"

Ah now my folks had a label and ran with it, reading every book on autism they could find. Along with lots more money spend for me to play with lego in creepy beard kid shrink's office.

Soon I was a teen and along with my acne, fear of girls, hours of self touching to dirty magazines came my first depression. But no one knew it was a depression and my brains bingo card was played once again this time by a team of players. I was first called into my guidance counselor's office because I was not going to school much if at all. He was concerned what a Jr. HS kid was doing when not in grade 8 typing class. So what was I doing you ask? Shoplifting like a madman is what, I was stealing everything including a bike I stole from a store and used said bike to steal and getaway from other merchants. But to my parents, school officials and others I was a shy, clean cut preppy kid, not a urban version of a Somali pirate. They never knew how bad I really was but my new shrink said I had depression and gave me depressants, now that is really fucked up.

A few years later in when I was 15 I really went off the mental health rails when I had my first manic episode. That year I was 78 days illegally absent from HS, ran away from home 6 times once stealing my dads Mercedes, credit card and drove from NYC to Disneyland in California. this went on for 2 years until I was given a proper diagnosis. One doc hit it on the head and said it looked like I was bipolar but was vetoed by others who said, "teens do not get bipolar" and diagnosed me with the most socially destructive diagnosis ever, I was now a borderline personality disorder. A diagnosis that to this day hangs like some horrible scarlet letter of "Stay Clear".

  I was a BPD til in june of my 17th year I locked myself in my room and took 40 valium. I almost died and to this day a lot of people do not know that story. Enter the professional Diagnosis Bingo Hall the psych ward. There a good doctor diagnosed me bipolar and put me on lithium and soon I knew what it was like to be healthy or should I say healthier.

In the years since I have been downgraded to "Depressed" was told I was a "Alcoholic" ( which if you really know me is kinda funny. I may drink heavy when I drink but I do not drink that often.) Upgraded to "Bipolar 2" again then back to "depression with social anxiety disorder". This went on for years and years til I went off the reservation again when I was married, tried to off myself again , bought two 80 grand cars in one day and was generally fucking nuts. Once again into the Professional Bingo Hall of brain shrinkery and was diagnosed "Bipolar 1 with C-PTSD and general anxiety disorder". This is the one that has stuck and with it treatment that have been for the most part very successful.

Still when you come into contact with a new shrink, who does not know you he or she may have different ideas of what you are. They may attempt to play bingo with your mind. In all forms of healthcare we are entitled to a second opinion, if you need surgery you have the right to ask another physician if said surgery is what you need. But in crazy care not so much, we are expected to take our diagnosis like a good boy or girl and never question a psychiatrist, like they are some brain deity.

Mis diagnosis is a common fact in Mental Healthcare, as it is a subjective field there are no biological tests to say what kind of nuts we have. So we must question our doctors, if you are not sure of your diagnosis ask for and demand a second opinion, it is your mind and your life at stake, and that is too valuable for a game of bingo...................

"My Inner Owl Vs. My Darkness"

2010-05-23T15:07:00.000-07:00

Fumbling in the darkness we have trouble navigating around things that are familiar to us, stubbing our emotional toes, tripping over personal detritus all the while we seek light, answers to our lives that will guide us forward.

I have been trapped in this darkness for a while now, stumbling, bumping into some things repeatedly injuring my soul and heart along the way. Can I still summon my "Inner Owl" which allows me to see in my darkness? I get moments of my inner owl showing me clear paths to light, but only if I accept his brutal honesty. My medical situation mixed with my crazy has left me in a pretty dark space. A space of which I share little, leaving small emotional bread crumbs so as people who care about me can see my outline but not stand next to be in my darkness.

I am a frightened and hurt little boy, I hide my fear through my humor, and by keeping people away. I do not want to have people watch me die, as part of me feels that I do not deserve the love of others and part of it is a selfish hurt animal response to being in pain, to hide away. To give myself clearer vision in the dark I must admit my deep sadness, loneliness and almost pathologic drive not to let people in

Even right now I am thinking of my escape by moving someplace where I know no one and living out what is left of my life alone, with no connections, no closeness, so I can no longer cause pain in others lives. This inner fight is a product of many things in my personality, my being an only child. Which has given be some protection from loneliness, to my on and off battle with low self esteem. I love people but most of the time do not like myself and today is one of those days.

So as my inner owl says there is light in love and openness my dark self who lives in my minds shadows says just run and isolate as that will stop your pain, because it has in the past. I miss "ME" a lot and fear he is gone forever and no owl anywhere can see light in my kind of darkness. Anyone have a flashlight?

"CRaZy EYeS or How I use My Illness to Keep a Distance"

2010-05-17T23:45:00.000-07:00

Crazy Eyes... or actions. I have discovered one way that I use my being "Out" as crazy as a tool to in my social life. There are many ways we build walls around us, some of us act like assholes as a way of not letting people get close to us then sit alone and wonder why we have no social life. Others still will find the slightest personal defect and magnify it so it becomes a screen keeping someone away to protect our hearts.

Me I use my Crazy, and it can be both a passive and active interpersonal denial system. A tool that I have honed over the years as my moat that surrounds my heart. Myself like so many others have been hurt by the actions of people who in some cases were just mean and in others were just being a product of whatever life had conditioned them to be. In my case I have been abandoned.

I have abandonment issues, they are not as bad as they were in the past but the way they manifest themselves is slicker, more polished now. I have been ill since my teens and in my teens the reaction to my mental illness by my peers was usually through bullying, being excluded, and just plain ignored, or when I did make friends left for the socal dead.

In some cases this.. well alot of cases this happened due to my behavior and actions when I was manic. Which when I was younger was quite often. It was hard to be friends with me. I was unpredictable, irresponsible, angry and just plain odd. My fault or not it hurt, and the pain went deep. I lost friends and family, I was forgotten or just plain mocked.

As I got older and wiser maturing into my crazy I learned that I could protect myself with it when I needed to. I used my illness to self destruct good relationships out of fear that they would abandon me first. This pattern went on for years and in some degree still does.

Today I am out and I tell everyone and anyone that I am Bipolar. I use this in two ways, in a altruistic way in order to break down stigma and educate people. I also use it to weed out folks who may break my heart later or are unable to be friends with someone like me. Better I scare you away then I let you in to hurt me.

I still fear being alone but I no longer dislike being alone. The people who know me, love me and except me warts and all I have no fear or insecurity about them leaving my life. But I am still cautious of new people, i still push even people who care about me away out of my own fear that "I" will fuck things up like I did so much in the past.

I call myself a "Asshole" a lot when I am getting to know people like some crazy person fog horn warning them to stay clear of my bat shit rocks. I know I do it and it is a personality flaw that I hate about myself. I hope that by writing this and exposing it that it will become harder and harder for me to do.

I want to fill my moat in and let people dance on my lawn...........................

"Antisocial Noise The Dark Under Belly of Social Media"

2010-05-15T23:01:00.000-07:00

There has been alot of talk on the twitters and the bloggers recently about social media being "antisocial". I have seen, felt and partook in some way the dark side that social media can create. It is to be expected it is for the most part uncensored, public and people are behind a digital wall, so it becomes easier to fall prey to being not so nice.

There always will be conflict between humans, as not everyone will like everyone. We have different value systems, hobbies, lifestyles and yes emotional baggage, that we carry with us everywhere, it makes us who we are. For alot of people in social media be it bloggers or tweeps the only things we have in common is we use social media and we like people to hear what we have to say and that is it. Expecting relationships or friendships based on these thin bonds is just plain dumb. So we seek out others like us, things we share voices that sound familiar and safe. The only problem is as humans we are not designed to communicate in 140 characters or less, nor on mostly one sided dialog of blogs. This leads to misinterpretation, hurt feelings and judgments prior to investigation through real human contact.

Another aspect of the Antisocial Noise of social media is the so called celebrity factor and ego infrastructure. It is rampant and infectious and threatens to bring down the open access aspect that makes social media such a great tool. We have a hierarchy that is set in place that some are better than others because of the number of followers or clicks on a blog. This is crap because some of the most talented, actors, writers, musicians are the ones almost know about and the so called "A" list personalities are pure poop it is that simple. We are bombarded with noise from self proclaimed "Digital Celebs" who flog their crap like it is the words of God him or herself.

Then there is the bulling, gossip, and digital despotism of social media. This dangerous and damaging behavior is epidemic online. The folks who follow you yet message gossip behind your back. Yes we all gossip to some degree we are human after all. What I am talking about is the mean, from a dark damaged soul kinda gossip meant to divide and destroy. This interaction serves only one purpose to build up someone who is so empty inside that no one else is allowed to be happy. Bullies who use access to events or activities to control and create loyalty is also a common theme online.

Never before has there been a form of communications media that has allowed basically anyone to have a widely heard voice, and it is in it's terrible twos of communication life, allowing for this slash and burn social landscape.

What to do? Well it is simple and hard, disconnect from bullies, divas, hateful gossip mongers. Do not get star struck by twitter and blogger celebrities. Find people who you would like if you met them in the real world. Watch your noise, and just plain be nice. Also remember just because someone has a computer, i-phone, blog and camera does not mean they are nice people who will offer you anything without strings attached.

Are there good people, yes lots more nice genuine folks than not. I personally have met and become friends with some amazing people through social media. People who have changed my life for the better. I have also been burned, by the nasty, witnessed the shallow and agenda filled social climbers. they are the exception but the noise the spew tends to be louder than the rest.

Here are some tips for weeding out the anti-social in your digital stream;

Unfollow: As easy as it sounds people have problems with this when we base how much we are liked on our follower count. How many people are on your feed that you do not give a shit about really?
Follow: seek out people you do like encourage people you know to join in to social media so they can have a online voice.
Call Out Bullies: Do not be afraid they cant really hurt you, so call them out. The one thing a bully cannot take is being bullied back.
Have Fun: This should be fun not stressful, if you are getting stressed by your digital life, turn the damn computer off.
Do Not Get Sucked In: I have been sucked in myself, so when you think you are being sucked into a online social situation you are not comfortable with disconnect, take a step back and see the whole picture.

Social Media can be an amazing place for everyone if we allow it to be. So go out play nice and for gods sakes no more LOL Cats

"Tick, Tock, Tick, Tock, Tick - Time, Cancer & Priorities"

2010-05-15T19:23:00.001-07:00

If you follow my mumblings here you already know I have cancer and as of now there is no cure. I am fairly ok with this yet I am also acutely aware of Time. We all have a limited time on this earth and for most of us the amount of time is kept pretty much a mystery and we move through our world not paying too much mind to our "Time".

With the recent developments in my life now "Time" has become more important as every thing I do, every person I interact with either removes or adds to my remaining life clock of experiences. It is like a hard drive, you can only put so much data on it

"Mad Pride!!! Bringing Mental Health Out of The Darkness"

2010-05-12T23:18:00.000-07:00

photo courtesy of a crazy person and big pharma

I watched my Father a Gay Rights pioneer fight homophobia in NYC in the years after the Stonewall riots. The Stonewall is still a bar I still frequent in NYC and find as a safe harbour in my life. These riots where the incubator of what we know as the Modern "Gay Pride" movement. Years of fighting for equal rights and end to homophobia still have not ending the hate or reversed laws but there have been amazing changes in the views and acceptance of the gay community.

I am mentally ill, I suffer from as alot of you know Bipolar disorder. I am vocal and self "Outed" years ago. I use my blog, facebook and twitter to openly discuss mental illness and it's world view.

For years and still people who live with, or have a family member living with mental illness have suffered mostly in silence, out of fear of being shunned, loosing employment, mocked, mistrusted and generally thought of as less than. This stigma is not just from lay people but also from medical professionals. That is why the time for "Mad Pride" has arrived.

"Mad Pride" is a movement quite like Gay Pride, it started from a need for a stigmatized segment of our community to be given respect and equal rights. The movement started in late 1990s in the UK as a way to re educate the public and healthcare professionals about living with mental health. There are parades in many cities already even Toronto has a Mad Pride week. But we do not here in Vancouver and we need one.

Vancouver has a very high per capita mental illness rate, we see it all around us almost everyday. So what do we do? How do we evoke a pivotal change in the public and professional views of crazy?

My plan is simple, I will continue to speak out on Mad Pride and my mental illness. I intend to also use social media, like twitter, facebook, and blogging to create a Vancouver Mad Pride movement. My goal in the short term is a parade, and festival. Just one day for now with a dream of it being a week long event.

The time has come.... We need to join the Crazy the Sane, the lay person and professional to come together to break down the walls of hate, fear, stigma, and blindness and stand up for Mad Pride.. Because we are all a little mad!

"Relationship Structural Engineering or How to Mend Bridges"

2010-05-10T09:23:00.000-07:00

pic from www.tdot.state.tn

Sometime in our quest for self discovery we leave in our wakes a crumbling social infrastructure of broken or in alot of cases personal bridges of disrepair. We pass through the lives of so many people on our journey, some we remember, so we do not and even some we had harmed or had harmed us. Also we neglect alot of our social bridges taking them for granted thinking they will always be strong and be there to carry us when we need them. This is not true, if left un- tended un -cared for these bridges fall apart.

   Now that I see that my life is what it is, I sit and think about these bridges, the ones left, taken for granted, the ones that I crushed like Godzilla in Tokyo and have decided it is time for a infrastructure upgrade. I as you all know can be a asshat, I have in my past treated some friends poorly or worse taken alot of people for granted. I intend to change this starting today.

  It is not easy for us to mend these relationships, sometimes we forget what we are mad over or we are ashamed of how we acted. In the cases of taking some people for granted it is as easy as a phone call... not a e-mail or a facebook poke or a tweet, get away from your digital shield and actually talk to someone.
See and own your place in a disagreement, let it go it is poison in your well. If someone you care about harmed you, well maybe they have changed, maybe they need to re-build as well.

This is cheap therapy folks and it will only free your soul. If the bridge cannot be mended, ok at least you inspected it first. But you may rebuild a old relationship or save a current one. Time to inspect our lives because with a poor foundation nothing will stand not even ourselves..........

"A Reflection on Missed Mother's Days"

2010-05-09T20:49:00.000-07:00

Today is Mother's Day we all celebrate the amazing women who have raised us or are raising our children or anyone children. This day is not limited to Birth Moms or Mom's of adopted children but also step mothers, or women who are playing a vital role in the lives of our children.

Some of you may know I was married, my amazing partner in crime J.J. who was my best friend, lover, talented photojournalist and friend to all died at age 35 of Ovarian Cancer. J.J. was kind, funny and had more love to give than any other person I had ever met. You need proof she loved me after all.

We had always wanted children but Jennifer was unable to have kids of her own which was not a issue as I am adopted and we both liked the idea of continuing and creating a tradition. But we were never able to see that blessing come true.

Before J.J. became sick we were in the final stages of adoption and were looking forward to soon picking up the newest member of our family. We looked at all the options, adopting a baby from the U.S. adopting a older child from the US. We looked at Asia and Eastern Europe. We finally decided on a Russian child, not a infant but between 1 & 7 years old.

We had spent alot of time in Russia for work so we flew to Russia and visited and filled out the stacks of papers. In 8 months we were approved, we celebrated we built a room in our NYC loft and prepared our families and friends.

Three weeks later Jennifer was diagnosed, we were devastated and we had to cancel our adoption, as we did not want our new child to loose her or his mother in the first year of their life with us. Jennifer would have been an amazing Mum, her ability to love, her gentle humanity, her never ending loyalty and humor would have been an amazing place for a child to grow.

This Mother's Day is also for her, a women who was a mother before she had the chance, a women who saw all children as hers in her eyes and was passionate about children's issues.

If you have not yet called your Mum do so. If you have issues with your Mum send her a letter. If you know a Mum tell her you appreciate her.

"The Stigma of Crazy or No I Do Not Bark at Squirrels"

2010-05-05T04:28:00.000-07:00

Nuts, Crazy, Insane, Shitzo, Bonkers, Not Quite Right, these are a few of the terms people use to describe people living with mental illness and by no means the only ones there are hundreds if not thousands. No other illness has so many adjectives, don't believe me just try and find other names for Diabetics. So why this? why my condition? Why is there such a stigma on Mental Illness?

I have felt the sting of the stigma of mental illness, have felt the nervous disconnect the mistrust people have with someone who is living with Mental Illness. It comes in many flavors kinda like a Baskin Robins of Stigmata. We have all seen the severely schizophrenic homeless who wear tattered clothing and have conversations in with the voices that their brains produce in their heads. Some will laugh at them, a lot of people do, others will cross the street to avoid them. Most never try and talk to them like the humans they are.

Part of the stigma of Mental Illness is that we are all bad people, who are delusional, manipulating not to be trusted. Why is this, I feel it comes from many places so I will list a few for you;

Lack of Knowledge: Most people just plain do not understand Mental Illness and have a problem connecting chemicals in the brain with behavior / mood. There is little info or attention given to crazy, we do not have ribbons, or runs few to no celebrity faces, so we are a unknown and what we do not know scares us.
Media: The media does a poor job of portraying people living with Mental Illness, we are more times than not seen as Murders, Abusive, Thieves, drunks, addicts and general well crazy folk. Show me one character in the media who is living with Mental Illness in a positive way.
Past Experiences; There are lots of us who had a Bipolar parent, spouse or sibling that may have harmed us physically or mentally. The so-called family black sheep who is looked at with pity and or scorn. These folks have a axe to grind with everyone who lives with a mental illness and generally puts everyone in the same straight jacket.

I am very open in my life about my living with Bipolar, I generally tell anyone whom I am getting to know that I am. This is a double edged sword or should I say maybe triple edged because I get three usual responses. the nope stay away, the ok I will let you in but you are still crazy and that scares me, and finally the who cares I like you anyway it is part of who you are.

There is even a "Caste System" of socially ok crazy folk and the really sad thing is this caste system is also followed by other mental health patients and professionals . The people who suffer from anxiety disorders or low level OCD and manageable depression are at the top. They are the safe, the harmless, we all feel for someone who has anxiety or depression. Then we move on to the Major Depression & Major anxiety-OCD they make the world a little more uncomfortable. Next on the stigma plate are the scary ones, Bipolar ooooh it is like a boogyman, to some real fucking crazy and they walk among us almost invisible ready to pounce. Then the bottom of the caste system are the people living with schizophrenia or anti-social disorder they are seen as less than human by both the general public and alot of professionals.

How do we change this Stigma? I blog about my crazy as personal way to beat it down. I speak about Mental Illness in public and my openness or self outing of my mental illness is also a way of breaking this stigma. But more needs to be done, we need a run or two maybe a walk. we need a ribbon and celebrities to come out of the Crazy Closet and profess their "Mad Pride". Because we are not less then, we are not deserving of discrimination, or to be treated as criminals because we are ill. Would you put a diabetic in dirty hospital ward because he or he stopped taking their insulin? Would you cross the street to avoid someone with MS? Or maybe you would not be friends with someone who had Hypothyroidism. I know these sound silly but it is no different. No one with Mental Illness did anything to contract or bring on their disease it just happened.

Please join me in working to lessen the Stigma of Mental Illness because it is the right thing to do.

"The Badger Now Has a Expiration Date"

2010-05-03T13:23:00.000-07:00

What would you do and how would you feel if you found out that you had a expiration date or in my case I see it as a best served before date?

This morning I had a meeting with my Oncologist and my cousin who is chief of radiation oncology in NYC via conference call in my Dr's office. I knew somewhat that this day was coming, but in my usual fashion I did not entertain it much, out of sight out of mind right? Denial has kept me pretty warm over recent days. Today my licence to deny was revoked.

I have Chordoma a rare and incurable bone cancer, we have tried gene therapy to no real effect other than making me bleed from places one should not bleed and also simulating a mix of swine flu & ebola.

My Doctors sat me down and in a surprisingly jovial way told me that my gene therapy was not working and my tumors and cancer was spreading and that my life is now down to a window of no less than 3 years and no more than 8. Holy Shit!!! Now it is very real what does one do now? There is always a chance, new treatments are always appearing, but I cannot hang onto that as it is only a dream made of gossamer wings. If it happens great if not well you know.

Some things have already changed, I am on full disability from work as I cannot physically do the job anymore. This really hits me hard as for so long my life has been my work, it is my passion and now that passion is gone. I need to find a purpose in what is left of my life now and I have no idea what that is and that scares the shit out of me.

I know Cancer all too well, it took my Mum and I watched it slowly wither my wife a vibrant beautiful women until she passed. I am good at caring for others but shit at caring for myself. I never really see myself as worthy of being cared for nor am I good at being cared for.

So do I create a bucket list? Probably not as my life has been very full already and I have bungee jumped alot. Do I go all buck wild, leaving a trail of badger carnage in my wake? Nope, my days of that are over since I have understood my mental illness. So what do I do? I am pretty lost right now, but I do have some starter ideas.

I will only spend time with positive people. I do not have the luxury of time to waste on negitive, hateful , gossipy folks who like to cover everyone around them with a coating of their internal pain and suffering. So asshats begone!!
I hope to work on being a better person, leaving the people and world around me a better place. I have alot of work in this area as I am basically a asshole, or maybe a recovering asshole.
I hope to be a voice for people with Mental Illness who do not have a voice of their own or have yet to find it.
I will attempt to live my life in full, grab any experiences that float my way and try new things.

This is by no way a bucket list, this is a road map to the remainder of my life, that I hope guides me in my new and final journey. I know that I will most likely be single for the remainder of my days as I do understand that getting involved with a dying guy is not a good bet, I am ok with this this. But I will need my friends, now more than ever. I am not good with letting people be nice to me, and frankly it scares me. Even though this is true I have to let people in as I do not want to die alone, which is my biggest fear and I guess most peoples.

The Badger may have a expiration date, but I am going to try to embrace my life now on to my final lap....................

"My Social Media Cross Roads"

2010-04-12T14:52:00.000-07:00

In the past i have blogged about me being a fairly private person. At one time I almost stopped blogging. I have for the most part enjoyed social media, it gave me an avenue to meet people who I would not have normally met in my daily life. I am happy to call some of these people friends.

But it seems that others insist on continuing with back channel talk, pressing one person against another, for what ever reasons they have. These actions may seem benign, usual and generally accepted behavior, people will posture to gain social acceptance. It is common everywhere.

What makes this different is in most face to face social interactions and circles, we choose who we wish to be with, talk to, interact with. If you do not care for a person or trust them you do not talk to them. If you have to for professional reasons you keep it that professional.
In social media it does not seem to work this way. There are friend collectors... you know the ones. People who never stop following anyone and say, "Look at Me!, I have this many friends!" when they clearly do not like most of them. Or the "what have you done for me lately" folks who keep you around as long as you offer them some value all the time, but when you need them disappear.
Social media can and does allow people with little or no in person, personal skills interact without the risk of connection.
But this post is really about me... I am ill, been through a lot of late, the loss of my father, physical and mental health issues, have made me vulnerable. I have found myself sinking into the social media drama. Maybe out of not working full time, or looking for an escape from the issues in my life. But it was making me a person I did not like, and I am grateful to a friend who noticed this trend in me and told me about it.
What I do need to to be around and talk with people who "want" to talk and be with me because they care, they value my friendship, they genuinely like who and what I am warts and all. I am not perfect far from it. I openly discuss my shortcomings and battle them daily. I understand that I am not everyones cup of tea and I am also ok with that. What I am not ok with is people pretending to care or like me and railing me behind my back. I am ok if you have a problem with me to tell me out right or just do not interact with me. I am a big boy and will survive.

I still cannot get my crazy head around who would choose too interact with or read the words of someone they do not like or trust it is baffling. To attack a person who is ill or having a rough time is just cruel and downright mean.

I am not leaving social media because I do see it's value, it can be social and productive I still believe in it. What I will do is re-evaluate how and who I interact with on it. I will no longer, I think have a personal twitter but only stick to my biz one. I will still blog as it works for me. It is a shame that actions of a few can effect me so, but I am fragile right now, easily bruised and seeking some shelter from the emotional storm. If you are one of my friends I do love you and will not stop, I value you in my life.

Please people be kind to each other, you may not know who needs it right now or who is feeling isolated. Your words and actions have a ripple effect across life. My ability to trust has been stretched to it;s breaking point. I am questioning my trait of being open and transparent because it seems some will use that to their own end. Bare with me as I hope to return to my old self soon.

"E.C.T. From Myths to My Reality" My personal journey with Mental Illness

2010-04-07T22:55:00.000-07:00

pic courtesy of msnbc.msn.com

As many of you know I have spent a life battling Mental Illness in the form of BiPolar Disorder a mood disorder characterized by extreme highs and extreme depression. After years of struggling and taking so many pills and combinations of pills to treat it seemed that I could not find a good balance between health and having any personality that was non-medicated I reached a turning point.
  Over a year ago I once again slipped into the black shroud of major depression, a depression that became or always was resistant to medications. I was in a hopeless place not wanting to live, yet unwilling to give up I sought out help. One of the benefits of my life long battle is that I am self aware of my illness, especially when I am depressed, so I went to hospital on my request and with the guidance of my Dr..
Soon I feared the same medication merry go round which would only offer me temporary refuge from mind.......

E.C.T. ( Electroconvulsive Therapy ) which was first introduced in the 1930s and became used widespread in the 50's is a treatment in which they use electricity passed through the brain to induce a seizure. Even from the beginnings it was apparent that ECT worked quicker, longer and more effeciently than medication for treating resistant or severe depression and bipolar disorder.
But in the early days of ECT like very early surgery they did not use anesthesia the patient was awake, it was painful and caused severe memory loss.  Most of us connect ECT with Jack Nicholson's character in "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest" a scene of barbaric torture ending in a mercy killing. In 1978 after much controversy ECT was for the most part stopped.
In recent years ECT has made a comeback, now done in a operating room under anesthesia ECT is now seen as a good treatment for resistant depression.

  This brings me again to the beginning of my post. I am in hospital with a unyielding depression. The Dr. in the hospital during a meeting with me brought up ECT. My head spun and out of my mouth came, "No FUCKING way are you shocking my brain!" This Dr. whom I now can say saved my life both physically and in a amazing quality of life kind of way explained how modern ECT worked.
He asked me to watch a video that showed the treatment. He explained the possible side effects, like short term memory loss. He also informed me of the difference between bi-lateral and uni-lateral ECT.

Bi-Lateral ECT: electrodes are placed on both sides of the head and the electric
   charge is sent across the brain. this type of ECT causes the most
   memory loss.
Unilateral ECT: One electrode is placed on the side of your head and the other
   on top of your head. Much less or no memory loss.

  I spent two days stressing over my decision, do I risk loosing memories or worse, my mind was reeling at thoughts of being the BC Provincial vegetable. But i knew what my other option was. Meds lots of meds and the fear that soon I would be back where I was at the moment, wearing a set of green hospital PJs and paper slippers.

I agreed to ECT, was I scared? Hell yes for the days leading up to my first treatment I was crazed with images of me sitting forever in a corner drooling only speaking of cheese and not knowing who I was. The night before my first ECT i could not sleep, afraid I would die or worse loose who I was. Morning arrived, and they took me to the recovery room of the hospital, placing me on a stretcher they put in a IV line, the Dr. but jelly on my temple and the top of my head and i met the Anesthesiologist. He explained that they would be injecting a strong muscle relaxer so my body would not move when they induced a seizure and a general to put me to sleep. Soon I felt the warm fuzz of the meds and I was out cold.
I woke up in what to me seemed like minutes but was really 5 to 6 minutes of being under. Surprised that I felt no pain, knew who I was and what i talked about with the nurse before ECT i was relieved.

They scheduled me for 9 treatments over a couple of weeks. It was around the third ECT treatment that I began to notice a difference in my mood. I was able to smile a bit again and the thoughts of dying left me. By the end of my 9 course meal of electricity by depression was gone, I suffered no memory loss and i felt great. My meds were reduced to a third of what I was on prior and to this day I have not had a depression or mania relapse.

ECT is still a controversial treatment, surrounded by fear and for some people i know memory side effects. What I do know is that it worked for me and my quality of life since has been great. I do not think without it I could be going through what I am in my life at the moment without sinking back into depression. I am grateful for my care I received in a involved, collaborative respectful manner by my healthcare professionals.

Mental Health carries a stigma, people are scared or just do not understand it. I write about it to share with others that living with it can be ok. That it is like any other chronic illness and just needs light and compassion shined on it. If you do suffer from depression or know someone who does seek help because it is there. Also be open to treatment options. Yes ECT may not be for everyone but it is another tool in the battle to regain life in the darkness of depression and bipolar disorder.

"One Twisted Sock Monkey Comes Home!"

2010-03-28T17:26:00.000-07:00

picture by Corrina & Adam Carlson

I have always loved Hunter S. Thompson, and not just for his booze and drug filled writings. He was a twisted, dark voice of reason in times when we needed a anti-hero. He hated hypocrisy, greed, human stupidity, and Nixon. President Jimmy Carter once said. " Hunter was a Delightful, unpredictable, and unforgettable friend of mine for more than 30 years". He even credited him for helping him get elected by bringing him the youth vote.

Pic by Me

He was as a writer also always intertwined in his tales, usually drunk and or stoned he penned 18 books, changed the way we approached editorial journalism, and sparked 4 movies.

So when I met Corinna Carlson (Gus Greeper) and her husband Adam we became fast friends. We share a love of sock monkeys, books and weirdness then I discovered that they make custom sock monkeys ( @sockmonkeyarmy on twitter) so I asked them to make me a HST (Hunter S. Thompson, not the tax ) they jumped on it.

Yesterday I officially adopted HST i call him "Dr. Gonzo". Adam lovingly hand embroidered Hunter's famous "Fist on Knife" logo on his back. as you can see below.

photo by Corrina & Adam Carlson

They have since I have known them been amazing supportive friends, through my illness, and I accept the sock monkey as a sign of love. Dr, Gonzo will now travel with me everywhere. taking photos in compromising places and positions and will post stories and pics of him in my journeys.

"Sock Monkey Army" monkeys are one of kind, inventive companions you can see their amazing work here on flickr; The Sock Monkey Army and they have a Facebook fan page as well.

Below are more pics of Dr. Gonzo.......and a Huge THANK YOU to Corrina & Adam for being my friends.

Picture by Corrina & Adam Carlson

Picture By Corrina & Adam Carlson

" The Loneliness of Pain, The Isolation of Illness"

2010-03-20T01:50:00.000-07:00

Today Cancer kicked my ass and as I write this continues to do so. I have tried to be lighthearted about it all, I joke have fun at my own expense and do not generally whine about feeling shitty. Tonight that stopped as I hit a wall of crappiness that I can only from now on call, "The Night of My Cellular Coupe". It all started to go genetically pear shaped a couple of days ago with extreme pain, mixed with spinal swelling, fever and less energy than a pot smoking sloth.
I am if you do not know undergoing gene therapy, in which they alter a virus then pump it into me to try and turn off the cancer's DNA. Not as bad as Chemo from what I have gleemed from others but a whole different bag of side effect goodness. This week I have maintained this lovely list;

A Running Fever: oh yes like swine flu but without the nose crap and hacking and look of fear from strangers.
Weight Loss: Yes I can use to loose some weight but I love 10 lbs. in 7 days
Headaches: Holy Baby Jebus it feels like Nancy Grace is screaming in my head
Opportunistic Bugs: I now have some flu like symptoms but different, it seems by Immune System is working off the reservation, deciding to throw a spring break party in my body.
Nose/Mouth/Eye Bleeding: Oh yes it is like i was bit by that fucking ebola monkey from "Outbreak".
Pain Extreme Freakin Pain: My back where one of my tumors is pressing against a nerve root has me in constant pain and leg strength loss. Also I have a tumor on my pelvis which also causes bone pain.

I do not ask for help much as I am a stubborn old badger, I am not good at it. I am trying to get better at it but it is a work in progress in the same way that I am a work in progress as a good man.

Worse than the pain, hives, and immune system that is running amok like a grade 6 class after eating 50 lbs of sugar is the abstract loneliness. I know that I am not alone, I have many wonderful friends who care deeply about me. People who call me all the time to check on me, offer assistance, spend time with me and have shown me on a regular basis a kindness that I do not know that I deserve and hope I can show them someday in return. But I still feel alone, when what I really want is to be tucked in, have my hand held until I fall asleep. I am not looking for the "awww" factor just some selfish care taking.

I feel that for me the worst part of this illness is the isolation you feel, and for me the battle not to seem needy or weak. Again thank you for reading this post, as I know that if you know me this was not a easy read. I hope that soon I can be the man I once was again

"Who Will Sing Me Lullabies"

2010-03-19T19:04:00.000-07:00

Kate Rusby is a Traditional Folk singer/ songwriter from Yorkshire in England. Her voice is stunning and hypnotic, and her songs are beautiful and evoke a strong emotional response from me. Especially this song " Who Will Sing Me Lullabies". She is playing tomorrow night here in Vancouver. I just found out about the show and it seems she is sold out.. I will try to buy tix on the street as she does not come here often and she is in my top 5 singers list. I am posting the lyrics below for you to follow along. This song in particular resonates with me right now, as I battle loneliness that is brought on by my illness.

Lay me down gently, lay me down low,
I fear I am broken and won't mend, I know.
One thing I ask when the stars light the skies,
Who now will sing me lullabies,
Oh who now will sing me lullabies.

In this big world I'm lonely, for I am but small,
Oh angels in heaven, don't you care for me at all?
You heard my heart breaking for it rang through the skies,
So why don't you sing me lullabies,
Oh why don't you sing me lullabies.

I lay here; I'm weeping for the stars they have come,
I lay here not sleeping; now the long night has begun.
The man in the moon, oh he can't help but cry,
For there's no one to sing me lullabies,
Oh there's no one to sing me lullabies.

So lay me down gently, oh lay me down low,
I fear I am broken and won't mend, I know .
One thing I ask when the stars light the skies,
Who now will sing me lullabies,
Oh who now will sing me lullabies.

Who will sing me to sleep
Who will sing me to sleep
Who will sing me to sleep
Who will sing me to sleep

"Telling You That You are Important to Me"

2010-03-19T00:43:00.000-07:00

Our lives are rushed, the daily moving and shaking of adult life keeps us uber busy, despite all of our fancy smancy technology that promised us more free time to do the things we like to do. Modern life, mass media, the internets have connected us in ways we could not have imagined 10 years ago. But in this rush of life have we lost sight to a simple act, one that really connects us with others, Those wonderful words of " Thank You" or " I appreciate who you are"? I feel we have, it is easy to take our connections with others for granted, we have become complacent in our interpersonal relations.
If I was Religious I would say that there needs to be an amendment to the 7 deadly sins, and at the top of the list should be "Complacency" it is a silent social virus. Complacency runs amok quitely killing relationships or at least leaving us empty unknowing of how we make others lives better.

I feel we should tell the people around us that matter how we feel. Let them know that they make our lives more full, allow us to feel loved, welcome, and safe. And we should do this right now. Even if we know we are loved and appreciated it feels good to hear, and share. I simple reminder that our place on earth is not empty, allowing us to see that yes, even in simple acts I make a difference in someone else's life.

This is not only for close relationships like family, friends, and lovers, but for the people you interact with everyday. The sometimes invisible folks who weave their way in our lives. It seems we are so quick to tell a manager when we receive bad service, but rarely do we let someone know when we are treated well. Possibly because we have developed a sense of entitlement, "expecting" service directed at us should be above and beyond. Why because we are self important. I call Bull Shit! we get good service everyday and bad but we rarely let the good ones go rewarded. It is not enough to be a good tipper, yes that is important to, still let the manager know you were treated well. Tell the clerk you appreciate there time spent on you.

This little act, simple in its words and execution go so far to make the world nicer, to make us feel appreciated. So go out and tell someone what they mean to you today and everyday... Lets make the world a little bit nicer.

"Re-Booting Your Heart"

2010-03-14T23:40:00.000-07:00

Blue screen of death? Spinning pinwheel of doom? All of us with a computer have experienced this. Then we restart and the same thing occurs. safe mode may work but it only leaves us with half the experience, it kinda works but does not offer any of the experiences we want and need.
The same can be said about our hearts. We have experiences that leave our hearts in a open loop of emotions. We see and feel the same feelings over and over and no one in emotional tech support can help. Separating what we emotionally know from what our hearts tell us is real battle, as the heart and mind are both stubborn and do not like to loose. For me it extra difficult as I wear my heart on my sleeve like a huge arortic cuff link for all to see. I am a pretty transparent guy, if I am sad I look and sound sad, if I am angry I look and sound angry. This is not bad or good just who I am.
The only way to get our hearts & minds in sync emotionally is to reboot, to see in all it's painful reality why we feel the way we do. We need to communicate with others exactly how we feel and why. Sometimes more than once. Understanding how and why we feel is a skill few of us learn or use, self awareness is our button for a clean emotional install. Yes there will always be legacy feelings, but they get easier the more transparent you are with yourself and others.
You can fight it, ignore it, cover it in other crap like some emotional hoarder but it is always there. Re-booting is the only answer in my opinion.

I will use me for example. I am by either nature or nurture sensitive, my heart is my dominant side. I have tried to be a asshole, a cold man who does not feel in order to cover my exposed heart. This has been a massive failure, because it is not true to who I am. Yes I use my burly off colour darkside to form a shell around my heart insulating it from the emotional viruses that will give my mind the blue screen of death. But know me and I mean really know me and you will find a very soft, gentle man. So if i keep this protective barrier up, my emotional system crashes like windows ME.
Today I did a hard re-boot... it may or not work time will tell, as a clean install is impossible in our emotional lives. What I do know is, at least I can still feel, pain is better than no feelings at all.....