"I Just Never Knew, You Seemed So Happy."

 Can there be darkness in the light? Yes just check the shadows and there you will find darkness even in the bright tropical sun there will be pockets of darkness. To most people the image of depression is the sad person who never leaves the house or rarely baths. The person for whom no stimulus what so ever can lift them to any joy and the visually witnessed depression covers them and smothers their souls.

  I have had the aforementioned depression the dark rabbit hole kind of way suffering the feelings of just wanting to disappear into the warm dark hole it offers. This is not my only form of depression, I also churn with what some have called and what may be in the new DSM manual "Smiling Depression".

 Walk and interact with most people and they would never know that I was depressed, I can for the most part function publicly like all is ok, when inside I am an emotional train wreck choo chooing my way down my mental health tracks. Some professional are torn if this is a different form of depression that camouflages it's self in public as emotional protection, or a learned behavior that one uses to mingle in the world without drawing attention to yourself.

  Smiling depression is a silent killer, how many times have we overheard, " I never knew she or he was depressed". they showed no outwards signs. It is a emotional shape sifter keeping it's darkness a secret. How do we fight this thief of souls, well it is not easy. I suffer from it and the only way for me to really fight it is now that I am so open with a few close friends whom I trust emotionally, I can tell them when my unwanted sidekick "Smiley the fucked up depression" comes over to play. It also is important for loved ones and friends who can see thru it when they want to see it to talk to the persona about it.

 This "Smiling Depression" is slippery and dangerous and I fear is more common than we give it credit to. So if you suffer your depression alone when no one is looking, please go ask for help. You can and should be able to smile when you are alone too.

"Nice Sofa Let's Chat My Beginnings of Therapy"

For years I have had Psychiatric care received meds for my Bipolar disorder but I have been resistant to therapy. I could sit here and tell you lots of witty reasons why I avoided therapy, like men with ironic shrink beards and lady shrinks in linen and smelling of incense and carob bars. These amusing and accurate as they might be are not the reason I avoided therapy.

  Therapy is forcing me to look at myself, deep into myself into my life's dark scary corners. And once I see what is in my rabbbit warren of a emotional life like some mental colonoscopy do something about it and work to build skills to bypass my behaviors and become a better healthier person. This scares the crap out of me, plain and simple, there are things in my life that I do not want to revisit or discover for that matter. But I am also at a place where if I do not, there is no way I can get to be a healthier person. I must take this step forward I have no choice the only other choice I have to spend the rest of my life alone an emotional dead zone for myself or anyone around me and really that is a death sentence to a person living with mental illness.

 Without therapy a person living with mental illness can never really be "Well" is what I am discovering and thus without therapy all the meds in the world are a waste of my liver function.

 If I seem not as talkative or more distant than normal for awhile, please understand that this process is new for me and it is opening up old wounds some I never even knew I had. So please be as patient as you can or willing to be with me, this is not a fast fix and I will not change overnight. All I can say is that I will remain the kind, gentle man you know.

"Chemical Fail Whales"

 Failure!!! I Failed!!!!! I Will fail!!

We have all said it thought it beaten ourselves silly with it. I believe personal failure is a self defined benchmark, a   event horizon that is set by us, our minds and by our belief system. There is a criteria for failure that I found and it is this on wikipedia 

The criteria for failure are heavily dependent on context of use, and may be relative to a particular observer or belief system. A situation considered to be a failure by one might be considered a success by another, particularly in cases of direct competition or a zero-sum game. Similarly, the degree of success or failure in a situation may be differently viewed by distinct observers or participants, such that a situation that one considers to be a failure, another might consider to be a success, a qualified success or a neutral situation.

It may also be difficult or impossible to ascertain whether a situation meets criteria for failure or success due to ambiguous or ill-defined definition of those criteria. Finding useful and effective criteria, or heuristics, to judge the success or failure of a situation may itself be a significant task.

Living with mental illness the thoughts of failure always float to the surface, especially when we are in some sort of flux. I have beaten myself up like a circus monkey over and over again based on what I see success as. I have placed a line in the sand for failure many times and forget to see the real successes that were  in front of me all the time. Everyone has but, Me living with my mental illness I do not have this luxury. Setting myself up to believe I failed can spiral me into my illness. If is Red Bull for my depression and for my anxiety.

 How do I battle this? I had to learn that just knowing that my thoughts of setting up a set of rules to fail are in it's self a win ans self awareness removes my line in the sand to some degree. Letting others know that these thoughts are in my head are also a win and  lessen the risk of what I think is a failure. You see when we think we are going to fail we are sailing a big ship alone and in the case of a a person living with depression that ship is a super tanker in size and have lots of sails, ropes , and shit that no one person can do alone. So talking and sharing our fears with friends and professionals helps us operate SS Crazy.

 In today's hustle and flow of life, our driven world of social pressure, we forget to let ourselves be human. I am recovering from my turn into my illness, light is shining through my depression now and I feel a lot better. I see this as a journey not a race, there is no failure for me right now, because I have survived so much in my life. I am all win now every step is a win even when I do not feel like it is.

Day 8 of The Badger Goes Mental , " Emptying Trash From The Past" a Belated entry

First to all my readers I apologizes for not posting last night. I was in a uncomfortable space holding a personal secret from my past that has haunted me for years. So far I have only told two close friends my friend John Mcteague and Airdre. Some secrets haunt you, make you question your worth and value this one one of them. I was also afraid some people would not understand. It does not involve anything morally horrible like kicking kittens nor did I murder someone. Just my  own personal demon.

 Back to yesterday , still thank "The Flying Spaghetti Monster" no jello but I did get butterscotch pudding of which am like a meth addict with I scammed 6 big bowls of it's baby shit brown goodness. I also saw a patient attach another one so bad the RCMP had to come. It is very sad when a illness turns on ones brain so bad that they will harm another. On the other hand we have a lovely young woman who has been catatonic and is now watch tv with us and trying to joke around. It is this kind of experience where you see the humanity in the ward. Watching other patients helping and looking out for someone who cannot for herself. For those of you who or anyone who thinks people living with mentally illness are lazy, cold, odd, untrustable, and selfish, spend a day here and you will be proven wrong.

Tonights post will be focused on Mad Pride, so stay tuned it should be a good one!!!!