Thursday, December 31, 2009

Happy New Year & Farewell Resolutions!!!!!!!!

The last day of the year and the decade is upon us. In a short time the world begins a new decade. We all have hopes and dreams that the year & decade coming will bring us happiness, health, love, and a smaller ass. Are New Years resolutions intellectually dishonest? Is there a difference between placing our desires of change on a arbitrary date, and the hope of a better tomorrow? I think it is and there is.

  Personally I do not think a flick in the calender and a change in a four digit number is reason to promise ourselves and others change. If we are really serious about making change in our lives we would do it today even if today was March 9th. For generations the tradition of New Years resolutions have festered in us, giving us a out not to mark our lives with change the rest of the year. A 364 day free pass as it were. If I were honest with my self and i wanted a smaller ass i would have done it months ago before it eclipsed the moon. A date on a calender is not a point where we decide to grow, we should strive for this everyday. Every single day we should make some resolution to change ourselves in order to change the world.

 New Years for me is a time of reflection, a place where I can see my successes and failures of a year. Reflection is more important than resolutions because without knowing where we can from we cannot grow. Not knowing who i was last month, leaves me crippled to change myself for the better in the next.

No New Years Resolutions for me today, only a desire to grow as a person tomorrow with what i learned about myself today. The only way we can change the world is if we grow as humans and members of a global community.

 Some of you may say, “Steven you must have some regrets from last year”. No I do not...... Even my health issues are only a cog in my personal growth. To regret the past only shrouds it in darkness. The only way I grow is through light and vision. So regrets are more malignant than the cancer in me to my soul.

Remember friends New Years Resolutions are Expectations and today's expectations are tomorrows resentments.........

I wish everyone a happy & healthy New Year full of wonderment, joy, love and adventure. I hope in the coming days we all find a little more peace, a little more tolerance, a little more of ourselves.

I love my friends, family and I will try today to Love strangers as well as myself a little more.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

The New Year's Badger's Breakdown of Disturbing Trends of 2009

The New Year's Badger is ripe with the musk of piss & vinegar that was the year of our baby jebus 2009. I will write tomorrow on the good trends and events of 2009. But first I must dissect the year of Ass Hattery that was 2009. And 2009 was a vintage year of ass hats & weirdness. It must be because we are close to the end of the world in 2012 as saith the Maya.

So without further ado i bring you 2009 a twisted year in review!!

The Year of the Clown Car Vagina! 2009 was a banner year for trash bringing more life into the world to grow up fucked up more than Lindsey Lohan, Mary Kate Olsen & Amy Winehouse on a vacation in Columbia. Jan 2009 brought us the Octomom, a vagina so large it has its own Congressional district, Then we were introduced to the Duggars, 18 fucking kids!!! I think she has the ovaries of salmon....

Moving on to Politics: Both here North of the Border and down in the USA there were a gaggle of political ass hats. Lets start in British Columbia. Good ol' Gordon Campbell some how this fuck was re-elected even though no one i talk to will admit to voting for him. BC politics would give New orleans politics a run for it's money on the corruption scale. But at least in NO you can drink all night and see boobies for beads, Gordo sold out our lovely little home to any friend with money he had.
 In the States, well as usual it was a cluster fuck. So i will only say a few words because if i go into depth i will be writing for the whole year. So I will just name names, Sarah Palin (Mooselini) how can this woman get a book deal, for fucks sake. Joe Leiberman ( complete fuck) a senator who does not want Americans to get free healthcare. oh he is owned by insurance companies, mother fucker....

 Disturbing TV trends 2009:
  • Hoarders & Intervention on A&E, because watching mentally ill people falling apart is entertainment. I can only watch 5 minutes of Hoarders before i have to change the channel. 
  • American Idol / talent / dance/ BULLSHIT!!! horrible tv for talentless people watched by people with not taste. They are the chicken nuggets of TV........
  • Michal Jackson's Death and 3 month Funeral.... I am sure if he was just another guy in your hood on  a sex offenders list you would not watch him on TV. A year ago he was a social outcast a virtual leper. He dies of a overdoese and he becomes the second coming of Jebus...
  • Glee, started off strong and turned into HS musical. it needs to change or die!!!
  • John & Kate, these two are really made for each other. I hope they make up. Christ she is a evil overlord shrew and he is a spineless douchebag. How the hell did they get a show.... oh yes Oprah interviewed them that is why. So FUCK YOU OPRAH and come out of the closet already.
Disturbing Fashion Trends 2009;
  • John Hardy clothing.... It amazes me that that people still buy / wear this crap it screams i beat women and sleep with family.
  • Crocs yup still around and still shitty., Just walk into the Croc store on Robson St. the chemical fumes that fill the store waft outside like some retail Bophal 
  • Finally the stores that do not sell clothes for normal people who actually eat, yes i am talking to you Lululemon, H&M, A.E. your customer base will all be in intensive care in two years then what will you do?
Disturbing Vancouver 2009:
  •  The Sellling of our  City to VANOC
  • More horrible Lounges in Yaletown & Granville St. ( we need more bars & live music)
  • The closing of the petting zoo in Stanley Park & The Blodeil Observatory but we can spend millions Consultant fees and focus groups so we can have a bike lane on the Burrard St Bridge.
  • The Skunk Plague in the West End! i counted 22 different skunks one night. 
  • The Fact that it is cheaper to rent a car drive to Seattle fly from Seattle to Toronto than it is to fly from YVR. 
 Oddness in my life 2009!!

 This has been a odd year for me on many levels. Not all bad but really odd.
  • I was in Iran during the elections for 14 hours til they tossed me out
  • Swine Flu!!!!
  • Was fondled by a stranger in Osaka on a train
  •  Spent 2 months is Sunny Afghanistan 
  • Discovered I like Candied Yams (who would have guess it)
  • bought a boat
  • Was and is being sued by the Church (Cult) of $cientology
  • Cancer
 This is just a smattering of the odd and distressing things of 2009. And After tomorrow the New Year's Badger is retired til the end of 2010. I will post a happy post tomorrow so stay tuned.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Merry Christmas from The X-Mas Badger

Hello all time for my 1st Annual Holiday blog posting, if I am alive or not in prison next year I hope to follow up on a theme.
  The holidays have always been bitter sweet to me, from my rabid jealousy of my non Jewish friends over x-mas trees and holiday cheer, to what to me was a loss of x-mas with the lose of family & friends. Hence the X-mas Badger, he arrived this year to spray the world with his bah humbug musk. And welcoming others to join in his anti x-mas weaseling.
 But alas you all tamed the Xmas badger. Well not completely he will still roam in search of booze, women of questionable moral fiber and cheese. But he was moved this year by the support of friends and strangers alike.
 As most of you know I have Cancer, basically a cancer hat trick one turned into three different varietals. I hit the healthcare lottery.
 One of my visiting friends is of a rare type, and scares the musk out of the X-mas badger and myself. But fret none of you. I am determined to fight, and with humor and grace ( the only kind of grace I can muster. if you know me you will understand).

 So here is my Holiday gratitude list:

1) My Family, we may not be big but we are close & I love you so much I cannot even say.
2) My long Time friends, again distance may separate us but it has never severed our long time connections.
3) to my New Friends, I could not be making through these holidays without you. With unselfish warmth you have welcomed me into your homes and lives. My heart is truly full with your kindness. But a hooker would still be nice.

The X-Mas badgers wishes you all a joyous happy holidays & new year. If I could give you all anything it would be you being able to feel the love and support that you all gave me this year. So it is ok to embrace the X-mas badger in all of you, some more than others but I digress. I mean embrace life, love, fun & happiness. Follow you hearts, dreams, and stomach and you too will be full.

Merry Christmas,

The Happy X-Mas Badger.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Please Support Reading is Sexy!!!

I do not normally talk about or promote anything on my blog. But in case you have not heard my new friend and sexy chickie Emme Rogers has put together a calander to raise money and awareness for dyslexia.
 I love to read, it can free me from the daily abuse that life can throw at me and take me to magical places. For our youth books can inspire, educate, and heal. There are lots of worthy Charities in the world, but if no one reads no one will know. So i am proud to support Emme Rogers in her cause.
 The Calender also features models of all ages, sizes, and walks of life. It not only celebrates reading but it says everyone is sexy....and that is good.

 If you want to order a calender here is a link

and you can read the life of Emme Rogers on her blog:

Sunday, December 13, 2009

"The Thoughts of my Inner Owl"

It has been a dogs age since I have written anything as my life has been really odd as of late. But a nap, a dream and a song from one of my favorite singer songwriters gave me motivation to write.

 I have called my mind my inner owl, have for years. It can be wise, usually up all night and sees thing thru wide eyes. I usually struggle to write really personal stuff about myself. If i do they tend to be snarky in a way of softening the emotional blow on myself. But today my inner owl hooted....................

 As alot of my readers and friends know, i lost my wife, best friend and amazingly kind human being some years ago. Not a day goes by that i do not miss her. Having a best friend in which you share the kind of intimacy that we did is i feel rare. And in intimacy i do not mean sex, it is a deep connection between two humans. Sharing without judgement or motives. A deep kindness and understanding.
 I do have friends i share a deep intimacy with as in any relationship I have or seek it is very important to me to connect on many levels. I am very greatfull for these folks that I have in my life and new friends that I make on my life's journey.

 I have attempted to delve back into the dating world for awhile now. With little success, some heart breaks and alot of weirdness. But I am always fearful.. No I have never been a relationship junkie. I do not need one to feel full. But I do like them and who does not like being in a healthy relationship it feels pretty good...
 For a while now I have been celibate, by choice. I have not seeked to be with anyone. Friends are all I needed. My inner Owl hooted this to me. It has been great, freed from the fear, worry, and stress of dating. Lets face it dating sucks.....

 I have never been good at it. I am really good at relationships because that is what I know, and i do well. But dating scares the crap out of me. I am also lousy at reading women. Ok i am really lousy at reading women I am attracted to. My inner Owl heads to the Bahamas when I am around someone I am attracted to. I can read people well. It is a gift, almost a scary. I prefer the company of women as they make up most of my social circle. But get me around someone I like and poof I am rainman.

 My Owl hooted today...and now I understand. I am afraid of losing the memories I have had from my wife. That if i give my heart away somehow that love will disappear. It is ridiculous, but the Owl has hooted. I will no longer seek celibacy as a way of protecting my heart, my heart deserves better. But I will still not actively seek a partner. If by fate, luck, Karma whatever a person enters my life that gets me.. all of me then I will allow myself to love again. I know that Jay's Love will never leave me and that I can fit more into me. But I refuse to rush. My life may end before I have the opportunity to Love again. And that is ok too. My life is full, I am blessed with great friends. I guess my own moral to this story is Listen to the inner Hoots of your own Owls, and embrace life on it's own terms.

 My inner Owl was motivated by this Song From Nanci Griffith, Hoot Hoot!!!!!

Shut it down and call this road a day
And put this silence in my heart in a better place
I have travelled with your ghost now so many years
That I see you in the shadows
In hotel rooms and headlights
You're coming up beside me
Whether it's day or night
 These days my life is an open book
 Missing pages I cannot seem to find
 These days your face
 In my memory
 Is in a folded hand of grace against these times

No one's ever come between your memory and me
I have driven this weary vessel here alone
Will you still find me if I leave you here beside this road
Cuz' I need someone who can touch me
Who'll put no one above me
Someone who needs me
Like the air she breathes
(repeat chorus)
I can't remember where this toll road goes
Maybe it's Fort Worth, maybe it's a heart of gold
The price of love is such a heavy toll
That I've lived my life in the backroads
With your love in my pocket
If I spend the love you gave me
Tell me where will it go?
(repeat chorus)
These days your face
In my memory
Is in a folded hand of grace
Folded hand of grace
Folded hand of grace
Against these times

Sunday, November 15, 2009

"The Future of Vancouver a Model City or Urban Gated Community"

Ah Vancouver, my city by choice like so many others. A town that is always on the some publication's annual  "Best City", or "Most livable City" list. In some ways it is, great views, access to the ocean and stunning nature, a amazing culinary scene. Yes this is a great city.....for now....
 With sky rocketing real estate prices that run from bat shit crazy to just plain Lindsey Lohan on meth crazy. This week there was a report that by the spring the average price for a detached single family home will be $900 grand! And for you who do not live here just google "Vancouver Special" to see what just shy of a cool million will get you today in crow city.
"Vancouver Special"

  A few years back  the city sold it's soul to Concord Pacific in return for an experiment in Modern Urban Density. Soon we became a city of glass fish bowl condos. They all look similar, Mc Condos, with out supersizing. Sure Condos in and of themselves are not bad. Home ownership is a good thing, but for alot of people they do not want to own, or cannot afford to own. So they rent.

 Rentals in Vancouver are scarce, you might have  a better chance of seeing Big Foot or John Gosslin not wearing a douchy Ed Hardy shirt.  The city has chosen condos not apartments for this city. Thus turning us slowly into the largest urban gated community on earth outside Dubai.
 Vancouver will become an elitist Tower filled country club where we have to bus in the people who feed us, sell us stuff, and  who also work below management levels.

 Condos are not the answer to a successful City / Urban experience. A mix of rentals and ownership, market price and affordable housing makes for a dynamic diverse community. Not a Island of Glass fish bowls and hot yoga studios.  Just look at our city they have pretty much torn down every old building, and as a New Yorker it is kinda unsettling and sterile. We do have areas that are still real city, gritty interesting but they are quickly dying.

 Vancouver will to me only really be a world class city when, it is a place of economic inclusion, a place that gets rid of it's draconian booze laws so we can have more live music, arts and culture and not just one large dance club downtown. A place that can celebrate its economic diversity as much as its cultural diversity.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

NaBloPoMo Day 10 "You have Cancer...Now What?"

Last week I was diagnosed with Stage 3 Melanoma, and after years of wanton sun worship and growing up when no one knew of skin cancer we all lathered our bodies up with baby oil on the beach. There were even oils with crystallized crap in them to amplify the sun for a deeper tan. No days that is crazy talk in line with Sarah Palin or Glenn Beck.

 After I found out my mind went thru it's usually line of thought, from why me?, to time for bucket list. After I settled in with my turn of fate the toughts have normalized into "what should I do with the dead hookers in my closet".. No No i joke..... But I have thought about what I should be doing with my life in the near future and here is what I came up with so far;

A) I will continue to work. I love my job so I will work flex time ,some office ,some home on my boat / refuge.. I will video conference wearing nothing but a tie & shirt no pants.

B) I will get to know some new people outside of my job. I do not have many friends outside of work. It is like a living on the small inbreed island of Pitcarn ( that is where the Bounty descendants live) . So I intend to get to know some of the people I have met on twitter, like, Monica, Kimli, Gus Greeper and her husband, Emme Rogers and the like.

C) I will help Gus Greeper aka Corinna Carlson get her Bali Charity off the ground. I love that part of the world and I feel my connections, and inventiveness could be an asset to her in her cause.

D) I love Public Art...always have, i feel it is a wonderful way for people of all walks of life to experience art in their own way. So I plan on putting together a photo project of all of the public art in Vancouver and creating a website so anyone including schools can find our cities public art.

E) I will buy a new camera and get back into Photography. My late wife was a professional photographer and always amazed me with her talent and humanity in he work. I always loved to take pictures and wanted to get more serious about it now I will.

F) Reconnection with old friends... It is time to re connect with people i loved in my life. Now that I may not have a long lifetime to do this I plan a"Moose Tour" so that I can get as many of my old friends as drunk as I can.

G) Easy part! I will strive to be nicer, more open and better member of my community. To be a participant in life and not just an observer / consumer of it.

That is it for now, I hope you all choose to follow me in my new journey of self exploration, and maybe just maybe be inspired by it.

VIVA LA BADGERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, November 9, 2009

NaBloPoMo day 9 " When is a Blog not a Blog but a HTML Infomercial?"

 This post is bound to get me sent to the Blogger version of the misfit toys from x-mas island. It is just a personal observation and snapshot of my views of  social media life.

  I am new to blogging but I have been a avid web browser / lurker since Mosaic was still a browser and all you could find were animated gifs and gopher sites (cira 1993) which in web years might as well be before the baby jebus.... I have seen so much bad internet it is sick. I was even a subscriber of AOL for 2 years til it almost drove me to kill. I am also a working journalist / producer. I do not write about it because it is my life so much of the time i need a break once and awhile.
  So when is a Blog a Blog? When does it cross from social media to social marketing? And should bloggers get paid to advertise products or services in the guise of reviews when by the fact of receiving payment of money or goods and services still be considered blogs.  I do not have a problem with people making a living blogging, if you have a service or product go market it. If that product is you even better I support that fully. Social Media is a great place to market in and around. I have plenty of friends who do this and do it very well.

 The difference is when the line is blurred. Blogging about that wonderful resort or restaurant you went to is great, But if you got your hotel stay for free for the blog post or your diner free to pimp for the eatery. I start to have issues. Some will say that I am jealous, but i am not. I cannot take payment or service for a piece I do not because I am a a professional Journalist and that would be intellectually dishonest, and professionally immoral. I do think that people who pimp for businesses and services should state that they were paid for the article in the post. Or they run the same line as infomercials that pretend to be news shows.... which is very intellectually dishonest.
 Please understand fellow bloggers, I do not have a problem with people "Self Marketing" or "Marketing for friends". But some blogs and bloggers are not friends with every biz in town (especially the really trendy and hip ones)
 These forms of HTML Infomercial, tricks the reader into thinking it is a honest review, a real experience, one persons interaction with some thing they paid for. It is nothing else but dishonest. I have read some of these blogs and i find it easy to figure out quick. there are never any medicore reviews, everything, at everyplace they visit or product they use is Fabulous and not to be missed.

 Are these bloggers parasites? yes to a degree, it is that they feed their wallets off of businesses who are willing to pay, feed, cloth, and house these tape worm bloggers. By no means should we run them out of town with pitch forks and torches, we should just call them what they are. social media infomercials. Bloggers who are just like Shlomo the Sham-wow guy, minus the hooker beating. or the late billy Mays. They just do it in a slick, internet based way. And we do not even have to pay shipping & and handling.
  There are also blogs written by big Biz as well. Disguised as consumer information blogs when again they are just shills.

 I will continue to support bloggers who write because they like to, or write because their minds make them. I will also support anyone who markets themselves and their product in social media. But for me soon it will be open season on blogger infomercials, just like so many of us bag on their television equivalents.  I hope I still have some online social media friends after this......

Sunday, November 8, 2009

NaBloPoMo Day 8 " I am a Locavore! Eating within 100 miles for the environment & Health

 I am taking a break from my usual Snarky Post to talk about the environment. We all know that the environment is a major issue, alot of use have switched from Plastic bags, to cloth ones, or have bought a hybrid car. Some of us buy Carbon Offset Credits, switched our light bulbs, recycle or try and buy green products. This is all good, a nice start and very politically correct. It is hard to sift through all the green washing and figure out what we can do to really have an impact on our planet and community.
 I will not dive into green washing that will be a later post but I will talk about Thinking & Acting locally to save our big blue marble and our health.
  Around a year ago I became a Locavore, what is a Locavore you say? It is eating local food, food grown and raised within 100 to 200 miles from where you live. The environmental impact of food that is produced and shipped from far away is just as bad as that Hummer your local douchebag is driving. It is also not as healthy, as much of what we eat is over processed, full of salt and chemicals to preserve it and does not support local businesses. I am at home 80% local because I just cannot do without Bananas, mangos, Kiwis and and some veggies that you cannot get locally. I also have a addiction to kraft dinner deluxe.  When I dine out I am around 50% local, I will not go to big chain dining establishments like Olive Garden, as the food is processed, shipped, and the money does not stay in the community.

 Yes, if you decide to live this way, you are locked into seasonal fruits and veg, but you also unlock yourself to wonderful local growers, Artisan Cheese mongers, Bakers, and Butchers. Wonderful food that is healthier, tastier, low impact and keeps your money in the community and out of the hands of huge multinational companies. You may not be ready for this, it was easy for me because Since I started to eat this way i lost 85lbs!!!! not strange dieting, not starvation. I eat what I want and do not gain weight.

 With us getting closer to peak oil, where gas will cost 4 to 6 bucks a gallon and a lot of the food we eat will become prohibitively expensive we will be forced to eat this way. It is the way our ancestors ate and then Obesity was not epidemic, and food had flavors other than salty. You may say you shop organic but that is not always local. Because I buy organic Mangoes and the last time I checked they did not grow in Canada. Organic can  also be greenwashing, as it is easy to put that label on lots of stuff that is not really healthy.

 So if you want to be kind to the planet, enjoy your food again, be healthier I will put a few links below for your grazing. Happy Feeding everyone...................................

Canada   a Canadian local food / slow food blog full of resources a Vancouver Locavore guide  a great British Columbia guide to Local eating & shopping

 New York 

The U.S. 

Locavore Restaurants, Vancouver  Probably the best Local food Eatery in Vancouver & the best Local       Wine cellar in BC  another yummie place to eat in Vancouver

Saturday, November 7, 2009

NaBloPoMo Day 7 " A Farmville Intervention"

"Farmville" and other Facebook apps have become a scourge worse than meth, crack and lotto scratch off tickets of addiction. Removing friends from any social interaction other than, "Hey  have you seen my lost pink cow?" It seems 80% of my facebook friends have been sucked into this data mining  game .Playing it for hours on end, in some hypnotic stupor leaving them unable to communicate outside of Facebook Apps.

 Has Facebook failed as social media by giving us boring, slow moving, pointless yet addictive games like, "Farmville, Yoville, Mafia Wars, ect.... Most of these games like "mafia wars" are just a reskined version of of the same game yet everyone seems to play each of them like it is a full time job.  When i sign into FB i usually have 60 to 70 requests for these games by my friends! For alot of them it is the only sign of life on facebook I see.
 I like computer games! But ones that give me feedback, or involve skill or problem solving. These games give you none of that, they only give you a virtual cash payout. And some people spend real money on fake money on facebook apps. A true fact as painful as paying to get told you had sex without actually bumping uglies. They are the Thorazine of the game world.

 This is plea to my friends, stop this insanity, please.. I am truely interested in what you have to say... I do not need any pink cows, or maifa slum apartments.  Do I need to call A&E Intervention for you? I am really amazed at the control these games have over people. So share your feelings, or play with your kids, maybe graze some harmless internet porn but please for the love of God stop sending me Pink Cows!!!!!!!

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Day 5 NaBloMo " A Few Reasons Why I Think Oprah is Evil"

image from

Ok, before hoards of you attack me on my boat with rolled up "O" magazines and and subdue me with book club stickers hear me out.....

 Is Oprah Satan? No, but she is evil. She did not start out that way, she began a humble journalist, a TV pioneer bringing us stories of triumph and hope. But as he empire grew so did her madness, the first sign of her impending eviltude was Steadmen her version of Katie Holmes, a beard so she can run around with her lover BFF Gail. Then she single handedly became the decider of what we should be reading by bringing us her exclusive "Book Club" and her non-narcissistic magazine "O" in which between ads for feminine hygiene products, her image appears on every page and her name on one count was mentioned over 1200 times.
 Then she went really mad, bring on Dr, Phil...... A un-licensed  shrink who just may love himself more than Queen "O". He is a polished trailer trash shrink who will shove his opinionated head into any media circus he can find, while he keeps his wife behind him with her stepford wife smile.
 Next up was another pop Doctor. DR. OZ who's name sounds like he should be a prison inmate doctor on a softcore gay fetish porn tv show. Dr. Oz who seems to be a specialist in every medical specialty and oddity has become more trusted and quoted than

 She fools us into thinking she is sweet by once a year giving away cars, fridges, vacation, and other stuff that her sponsors actually pay her to give away to screaming soccer moms.
 So yes here I lay the proof that Oprah is evil. She will not destroy the world or kill puppies but she has become a master of TV cheese. Dumbing America down, and has really just became a caricature of herself, feeding crap and we eat it. For Christ sakes she brought us John & Kate that should be proof alone.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Day 4 NaBloMo "Why I Love Social Media"

 I hear from alot of my friends, "Steve why do you love Twitter, Blogs & Facebook so Much?"
I have thought alot about it. I have been an internet geek for a while my first browser was mosaic and I remember when internet media high tech were animated gifs. I never lost interest in the net and it still holds me captive by it's ability to allow people to share their pain, joy, humor, craziness and stupidity.
 Once we trolled chat rooms asking A/S/L and flavicons. Alot of us suffered the horrors what was AOL and could tell how fast our connection would be by the sounds our modem made when we connected.

 Now it the number one place for news, shopping naked, booking vacations. and porn of staggering varieties. But the changing force to me has been both twitter and facebook. Social media allows us to bypass the cacophony of noise we do not want to hear and allows us to connect with people who we want to listen to. It brings people together, lets us know we are not alone in our own thoughts.
  Recently I have discovered how true this is, as this week I discovered that I have cancer. I announced it to the world on Twitter and Facebook. I was blown away by the support of people who have never met me yet took the time to offer support. People who also share the good things of social media as place to find people who think like you. I have virtually met some amazing people. like Monica Hamburg who shares my inerests in the weirder side of the web, or Beth Snow who i learned is a DR, plays hockey, names her material items. Or Kimli who loves games, has horrible people who live below her and also names her material items. Or Gus Greeper a fellow lover of sock monkeys. I have thru blogs or twitter  virtually met some of the most interesting people i could imagine. I am grateful for these people in my online life they bring me smiles, laughter joy and encouragement. They redefine my love of people and belief that we can be kind unselfish and still stop to enjoy the little wackiness in the world. The internet is not  a lonely place. Or a place for lonely people It is a place for rich, dynamic people to share ideas and hopefully change the world. I know this is a ramble but i needed to post today for NaBloPo and i am on some serious painkillers........

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

NaBloMo Day 3 "Smells like Transit to Me"

 I will take a day away from talking about my cancer experiences to discus Public Transit...
Vancouver, BC has a pretty ineffectual public transit system, especially to me a guy from NY whose transit is almost good enough to have a stop right next to your bed or local pub.
 We have five modes of transport Typical diesel buses, electric trolley buses, the Sky Train (which is not in the sky so not very cool) community buses and the sea bus.

 Now living in NYC or Chicago, Boston, London or any other real city with transit the people learn the basics of transit etiquette. You wait to the side of the subway doors for people to get off, you fold your newspaper as not to poke the eyes of the potential serial killer sitting next to you and you never, never make eye contact with strangers. Some things are the same everywhere the smells that range from rotten garbage, spoiled milk, spoiled milk festering in underarms, wafting male crotch stink, the universal urine and desperation stink that somehow is the tranist equivalent of that new car smell.

 The smells I can get used to but what makes me want to release 200 hungry rabid badgers loose on my daily commuters are these little nuggets;

Old Asian Ladies: They are the zombies of Vancouver transit, they do not move fast, will push thru a crowd like linebackers, scream gibberish all whist wearing those welders mask / sun visor thing in order to keep the sun from turning these scary ladies to dust.

Homeless Bottle collecting binners / dumpster divers: Last year after a few drivers were called bad names, spit on and a few punched they no  longer require them to enforce fare collection. So now our buses are a parade of hefty bags full of beer bottles, cans and the areas backwash through the bus. They will beg for change, poop and piss their pants and usually harass nice young girls or anyone they think may have a cigarette.

University Students: Every fall brings the changing of the leaves, pumpkins, rain, hockey season and the Bataan death march called the U-Pass. The U-pass is a bus pass for university students it allows them to hog up all th bus space, continually beat your face while you sit with over sized north-face backpacks and force upon us the Jody Foster in "Nell" like conversations on their i-phones. There are some bus routes i will not ride on from Aug. to May out of my own fear of being trapped between some babbling coeds in a bus crash while waiting to be extricated.

Stroller Parties!: Ok I know i will get a beating from mums on this one but! If you have your little pride and joy which sprung from your womb and now rides in a hummer sized stroller. please either do not get on the bus at rush hour, or if you have to invest in a nice small folding stroller. You do not have more rights to a ride because you decided to have a child. And if a bus come up and there are already two strollers onboard....WAIT TIL THE NEXT BUS they run every 5 to 10 minutes.

ESL Students: Yes I know it is ok in your country to squeeze as many people onto a bus or train like some kind of Octomom Vaginal Clown Car but not here please. I know you travel in packs of 20 or more. I think it is a law in the Hello Kitty handbook. Also the bus / sky strain is not a photo studio having a photo shoot in front of the exit doors on the #5 Robson Street bus will get you pushed off the bus onto the pavement and most likely in a pool of spit that your class mates created at the stop while waiting for the bus before us.

To Translink: who operates our transit, why do you stop the subway a hour before last call in the bars? do you also own the local taxis or dui lawyers?

Monday, November 2, 2009

Day 2 of Nov Blog a day "Screw You Cancer!"

 I had an appointment today from my great GP about a couple of biopsies that I had on my back and shoulders that were done 2 weeks ago. When my DR does not come in the exam rooms smiling and stating that I am his favorite crazy jew. I worry. I had a right to it seems that I have developed a case of
Skin Cancer!!!!!!! So after only the embarrassing things I have done passed before my eyes I found out that I had the most serious type of this kind of noma. I have Melanoma.

 I am no stranger to cancer it took my beautiful wife way before her prime in a very cruel way. I watched her deterorate into what i still can not put into words. Cancer took my Mum quick, so quick that I was not able to say good bye or go to her funeral.

I always thought I would get it. I just thought i would be old and It would be lung cancer, or some kind of cancer you got from drinking and eating fatty food. Not from enjoying the sun.

But I will not let this stop me...maybe I will not be sitting on the beach in Mexico. What I will do is continue to live, love and approach life with my known dark humor.....So Screw You Cancer

Sunday, November 1, 2009

100 things you may or maynot know about me part 1

1) I have been married twice. Once to a Borderline Personality Disorder, Bulimic, abusive women and again to a magnificent partner in crime, friend, lover, lousy cook, compulisive sock folder, and amazing artist. And best of all she loved and enjoyed crazy me.

2) I live for food! a devoted carnovore and dedicated locovore ( food from withing 200 miles of my home)

3)I currenly listen to mostly female singer song writers ranging from Nanci Griffith, to Kate Rusby to Patty Larkin.
4) I love dogs especially border collies, as they are smarter than most of girls in Kitts and wear less lululemon.
5) i am owned by a oratorically offensive Yellow Nape Amazon Parrot named Randell.
6)I will steal the skin off of extra crunchy KFC chicken
7) I have a un-natural fear of crows and clowns
8) I am Bi-Polar and proud
9) obsessed with everything odd and disturbing on  the web.
10) I live on a boat
11) I am both very social and shy
12) I believe that dogs were placed here to show us pure love & and cats to show us pure codependency.
13)I have a huge crush on Flo the progressive Insurance commercial girl
14) Born in Montreal General Hospital and have loved poutine ever since
15) Does not understand love less marriages
 16)Have now been to every continent next goal visit every dollar store that actually which everything is actually dollar, from China and covered in lead paint.
17) I have met Bill Clinton
18) I have got drunk with Chelsy Handler (and possibly snogged her)
19) Favorite Sandwich "The Patty Melt soon to be followed by the :Monte Cristo
20)  I own a snuggie
21)I have tried and failed at Internet dating
22)Has been known to drink way too much but still keep it classy
23)  Still believes in Love
24) Is find funny women sexy
25) I really do like people

Friday, October 30, 2009

"The State of my Dating"

 I have now not been in a relationship for 3 years. Yes I have dated here and there but have yet to find someone that A) is not insane or B) That thinks I am not insane. I know that dating is difficult and frustrating if not all those online dating sites would be broke. I have yet to subscribe to as the commercials frighten me. The glazed over doe eyes the "We fell in love right away" desperation and kids carnival ride music soundtrack leads me to believe that no matter what computer models they use to find my unique personality match. That they will have trouble finding a woman who likes badgers, beer, midget porn, celebrity toe nail clipping collecting  and also sharing my crush on Flo the progressive insurance commercial girl.
 Not that I have been dateless I have been on plenty of dates. Some very nice, with nice jobs, nice, homes, nice friends, nice hair...ect. just nice, with no passion. Or the other end of the spectrum, they hate and distrust men, sex, sex with men, books by men, their fathers, the fathers of any men, male babies as they will grow to eventually become men who will emotionally hurt or dispose of them. But they love ME!!!!! god how they love me.....
 So now I have a growing pile of restraining orders I have had to get, and a list of changed phone numbers that rivals the size of some small arctic villages phone books . I dispose of pay as you go cell phones more than the local pot dealers and human traffickers.

 Do I blame my city? to a point, yes.. Vancouver is filled with people who have a image of a image. When I meet or I am introduced to prospective mrs. mooses i get to hear, "Do you do the grouse grind?, i love it and do it all the time it makes me feel free." FUCK YOU, I do not run up mountains for fun, I ski because of gravity, I whitewater kayak because of gravity. I will not even run up a mountain if chased by bears or chased by bears who wish to violate me with other bears. I will run down the mountain. The grouse grind in this town is like a key to dating if you do not say you do or you actually do you are destined to be a looked at like a leper working at the MAC counter.
  I do go to Yoga but at the community centre and not at BIUIUT*YTRUYRU hot yoga palace. I also do not live for it but it does make me more flexible and helps my back.
  Where are the delightfully odd girls who are funny sexy and walk to the beat of their own drums? The girls who drink and cuss like a sailor who enjoy the outdoors minus running up hill. The ones who make no excuses for their oddities, who allow their damaged youth to be part of what makes them great not what they are trying to hide behind a veneer of luulemon yoga wear, prada sunglasses and a refusal to poke badgers.

 I met a nice girl online, fun, smart very very pretty, knows who she is baggage and all. But she lives in Toronto............Come one fun crazy Vancouver girls who like balding, drinking, smoking, cussing non up hill running nice guys who can cook, love to travel are kind to animals, likes to shop, geeky yet stylish and has a unhealthy addiction to Japadog.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Cruise Ships Un-Censored part 4 "Passenger Antics"

I know it has been awhile in coming from my last post in my series "Cruise Ships Un-Censored" as I have been distracted by 1) swine flu 2) bright shiny objects 3) other rants and mumblings. So as promised here is part 4 of my series "Passenger Antics"!

 I have spoke on my previous posts about the bank account emptying skills of cruise lines and those wacky ports of call, hell I even wrote about the crew so now it is time to talk about the cruise lines sugar daddies and mommies the passengers.

 People come to cruise from many cultures, areas, physical sizes, degree of crazy and any other demographic you can think of but they have 2 things in common. 1) they want a fun vacation 2) they love free food. I will try and break down passengers into a few categories ranging from first time cruiser, cruise addicts, groups, and the insane.produced by the cruise lines, TV shows and dreams of be pampered whilst exploring exotic locations.

 FTC (first time cruisers as i will call them) come aboard with deer in headlight eyes running around the ship like ADD kids on meth.  They will ask incredibly stupid questions,  spend all there money, buy every shore excursion, and generally not too demanding. They are the blank canvas that cruise lines can play their little games of fleecing, bait and switch and general douchbaggery on.

Frequent Cruisers: (also known as FCAH frequent. cruiser, ass. holes. ) this genus tends to be parasitic in nature and will demand upgrades, inspect the ship, cabin, food, crew and ports of call like an anal retentive  mystery shopper with anger management issues. they can generally be found berating the pursers / front desk staff, abusing the waiters & cabin stewards, name dropping obscure cruise line managers and ship board managers in order to get a $10 dollar shipboard credit or a free bottle off bath tube wine. They will wave their loyalty cards around in delusional rants, brag about all the cruises they have been on, and wear all the free cruise line merch that they get for being pains in the ass. Armed with a sense of entitlement equal to the execs at AIG or The Royal family they do nothing but moan and state how much better their last cruise was compared to this one. When you know they bitched about their last cruise just as much. I always wanted to tell them that while we appreciate their loyalty do you expect free shit from Walmart just because you shop there all the time. Frequent cruiser. It is funny because the cruise lines kiss their midnight buffet filled asses while they spend less on the cruise, know not to spend money on the ship and generally are poor revenue generators on the ships.

Groups: The best income creating subspecies onboard as they are a hybrid of FTC and FCAHs. They are usually themed from Elvis impersonators ( nothing says sad like a ship with 1500 elvi on board) Wedding, Gay (the best groups ever!!!!! love them!!!) Lesbians ( lots of domestic arguments and mullets) those crazy red hat ladies. High School Senior trips ( date rapes, drug smuggling, vandalism public raging drunkenness.) Cheer Leaders ( I cannot even write about them without throwing up  a bit) and my personal faves Faith healers ( they never cured my b-polar illness or male pattern balding so fuck them big group of sheeple morality police) Groups are demanding but usually never in a bad way, more often very cool unless you get a nautical bridezilla. yes bridezilla do swim.

Stupid Things I have seem passengers do ( oh, and a name the crew calls them are "Cones" . "Punters" )

  • Line up for a hour to just take pictures of the fucking chocolate buffet it is like a coco orgy mixed with the running of the bulls, if the bulls were all hungry Oprahs.
  • i have seen people have sex all over the ship including the glassed elevators...i called it fuckers under glass
  • The wearing of identical tee-shirts. A common on disturbing effect ion that seems to infect, old couples, youg sheltered couples and weird groups like the evangelical group whose shirts said WWJDOTC ( what would Jesus do on this cruise) i could only hope Jesus would through them over board or give them all Norwalk virus.
  • the shutter bugs, they will take a picture with every crew member and then think they are your best friend.
  • i saw a teenager steal a trumpet from a band member and hurl it over overboard.
  • I have witnessed many domestic violence incidents as just because drunk abusive daddy takes mum on a nice cruise does not mean he stops being an abusive asshole. 
  • Grandma thank you for flashing me your boobies and your picacu i will now go attend to my softon.
  • We had a swingers group charter the whole ship once. People were bumping uglies everywhere. the whole ship smelled like sex, ben-gay and astroglide. 
So the rules are simple passengers, do not moan to staff every 5 minutes about the ship rocking we are at sea, or yell at us. We hate you anyway do not validate our disgust with you with crazy antics.

Cruising is a great way to relax but remember if your way of relaxing is getting drunk and running around the ship naked you may be crossing into what the idea of relaxing is for other people. no one wants to see granny give a blow job in an elevator

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

"The Colapse Of A Moose's Health" " A Year in Review"

As I slowly recover from the onslaught of Pork Ebola I have to reflect on what a My body has been through this year. Now I am not a stranger to abusing my body, i have been known to drink ( on my 37th B-Day I drank my age in beers) I have in my past visited some recreational Pharmaceuticals only for editorial reasons I promise. Smoked Cigarettes and placed my body in very sketchy situations both for a pay check, and for my own and others amusement. But this has been the health-care year from hell. Here is the breakdown on my physical breakdown;

October 2008 : My L-4.L-5 lumbar disks decided to move. this move was without a months notice and in breaking a life long lease.

January 2009: Happy New Year not for my Kidneys they gave me a rocky party favor for the new year and I peed red in celebration for weeks

March 2009: Some kind of Flu, not of the pork variety but a nasty fucker non the less

May 2009: My friend Malaria paid me another visit I was infected a couple of years ago and every now and then the Dark Continent makes me shiver like Kate Gosslin at a Ed Hardy Fashion Show.

July 2009: While filming on a beach in Cuba  I feel into a hole and tore my ACL in my right knee no amount of cigars or moitos or Che tee shirts relieved my pain.

July 2009: ACL Surgery followed by a boat trip to Mexico to recover and visit every donkey show i could find

September 2009: I lost my Gall Stone virginity, complete with crying, blood in my stool, and a 911 call not unlike a weekend at most Catholic Boys schools.

October 2009: Swine Flu! Pork Ebola, Porcine Plague, Trotter Typhoid... Pure oinky hell

October 2009: Return of my spine defection. I now will need back surgery, yeah for me

On a positive note I lost 65lbs this year, have not had a bipolar experience requiring locked doors and I am still alive. Also if i was still living in the U.S. this medical year would have bankrupted me and I would be living in box shouting at squirrels. I Love Canada. Look out 2010

"Thank You Readers"

I wanted to take a moment to thank the people who have been reading my blog. I am new to blogging and I have to thank a few local bloggers first for inspiring me to keep up producing mumbles from my well known to be damaged mind.

Monica Hamburg ( my first local blog addiction)
Kimli Lulubelle Wangzilla ( what a delightfully disturbed woman )
NetChick ( Tanya) ( for continued support of bloggers & positive thinking)
Sleep Junky  ( your humour and dedication to your dad is inspiring)

I hope to rise to your level someday and will continue to write from my mind, heart & loins ( I just wanted to say loins)

I also want to thank all my friends for reading my thoughts and experiences you are all appreciated especially my limitlessly talented and twisted doppleganger Barney Ashworth you will love his music for you Barney ^^^

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

"Office Geeks Vs, The Suits"

 I work in broadcasting, my office is full of very creative and colourful people for the most part. you can divide the office into 2 categories (not a scientific study) "The journalists / creatives" and "the suits" we pass each other in the halls steal from each other's break room fridges and sometime share DNA. But there are always some people who do not play well with others. I try to understand that not everyone sees the work place as a forum for fun and games like i do but i hope to stir things up some more.
 We have a soul ( i think she has a soul) who hates fun, runs against it at every turn. She tried to censor our desk chachkies by having all office / cubicle decor to be approved by her. So i would have to loose my Stephen Harper weebles doll, assorted hula girl bobble heads, a stuffed squirrel on a surfboard and other prized possessions.
 We spend 40 to 60 hours a week in our work space they become a reflection of who we are and a way to strip the place of the bleak florescent lighting and matching suits and office chairs. So i set my foot down and approached miss fun police in her territory. Guess what her office is a shrine to Jesus. from a WWJD desk calender to a bible not so hidden on her desk. I knew i was in for trouble. My history of having my interns eat bulls balls at the Calgary Stampede, Polynesian theme days, and games of "would you fuck that" leave me doomed in her dungeon of morals. Yet if she can have a bible i can have my stainless steel bed pan as a candy dish. I explained the reason for personal expression and freedom and that creative people censored become less creative and she stopped me like a penis in a sack of angry porcupines.
 What to do next.... My Boss.... she is rational....comes from a creative channel of management and is very very twisted. So much so that when we are all out for a drink she will get the bet going that the slowest average time of bathroom use during the night or afternoon pays the tab. thus creating a triathlon of potty time.  My boss was expecting me after receiving a call and email from the Attila the protector of virtue. Luckily my boss set her straight and said unless someone comes to her offended by an item to keep her nose out of her division. This is a victory for the odd, the free, the misfit toys from x-mas island.
In celebration we will being having a  truce in what we can steal from the suit's kitchen, and we will wear formal wear on the next 4 Fridays for "Formal Fridays" just to show the suits we can dress like adults.

Monday, October 12, 2009

The Safeway Death March, "Grocery Shopping in Vancouver's West End

It's Thanksgiving in Canada so I decided to talk about grocery shopping. The local grocery store I shop at is Safeway, for my NY friends it is like Walbaums but less Jewish. Last year Safeway opened a bright shiny new store to replace the dank dungeon of a store that was there before. Now you can sit at a starbucks (ick) get westernized sushi, the even have a section devoted to nuts called “The Nut Bar”.
But it does not take away from the Bataan Death March that is grocery shopping and Vancouver has its own unique flavor to this experience.
We have wandering Japanese ESL student who will pose for impromptu photo shoots with cans of peas and frozen poultry. The bottle collecting binners who return bags full of collected bottles whose odor makes shopping for food not so appetizing. The interesting staff, like the one armed milf cashier, the deli clerk with a lazy eye, the bitter old customer service hag and the hottie pharmacist with the personality not unlike a mix of sedimentary stone & a bagel. Shopping at my safeway is kinda like visiting the circus side show while getting a prostrate exam.

I have some suggested rules that I feel safeway could enact to make the shopping experience more pleasurable.

1.No Seniors allowed to shop between the hours of 5pm & 8pm & weekends. ( you are all retired and have all day to shop while we work. So stay home and complain about your health issues and ungrateful grandkids during these hours.

2.Create a photo set for the ESL students complete with produce props and a hello kitty back drop so they do not clog the isles posing for pictures like retail artery plaque.

3.Have a little stand for the binners/dumpster divers to return bottles outside in order to save our noses.

4.Do not allow people to use the self checkout if they have produce and or more than 10 items. Fuck it takes hours for people to look up their star fruit and Siberian organic mangoes on the touch screen.

5.Hire more disturbingly interesting staff it gives the place a carnival feel

6.stop charging 5 bucks for kraft dinner delux, you thieves

7.shoot any customer who complains about a 3 cent price difference when it is rush hour.

8.Just because customer has kids does not give them special rights...just because you bumped uglies and squeezed out a carpet climber does not make you superior. Bunnies and rats do that all the time and do not get to go to the front of the line.

9.Have mobility scooter races on Mondays and allow wagering with meat products.

10.Stop making me feel guilty for not rounding up my change for your charity of the week. If you did not charge 5 bucks for kraft dinner delux I may have had a few extra cents for midgets with irritable bowel syndrome

If you have any grocery store stories or rule suggesting feel free to leave them in my comments.
“Clean up on Isle Three”!!!!!

Friday, October 9, 2009

My Trip to Afghanistan, "A Disfuntional Travel Guide"

I just returned from a assignment in the pleasurable resort country of Afghanistan, a place full of wonder and beauty, if beauty to you is, brown mountains, goats who have more rights than women, and a good chance you will be blown up on a afternoon road trip.

 Not wishing to bore you will the usual crap about this lovely stan country that you can receive on any news webpage or ranting out of the mouth of a conservative wing nut tv or radio commentator i will instead provide a post of travel tips and observations that my only my booze and pork deprived mind could muster after 2 & half weeks in the land of rocks and poppies.

So looking for some adventure travel? tired of club med or a all inclusive resort spa in Mexico. Well maybe a trip to Afghanistan is for you. That is if you like dust and donkey meat wraps.

 There are many ways to book your flight, you can join the army and get a nice flight on cargo plane with lovely fabric webbing seats and army rations as a inflight meal ( they are better than the crap air Canada offers and fresher) or you can fly into Pakistan and take a lovely scenic mule ride across the border with your sweet Taliban guide.

 Once in country you need a place to stay. i recommend the bed & breakfasts they are just like the ones here except for roaming chickens, feral dogs and no sweet gay couple managing them ( they were all beheaded a few years back) The beds are comfy and close to the floor if you need to duck from a truck bomb or joyous AK-47 celebratory gun fire. The concierge  will assist you in finding your kidnapped mate for a couple of bucks and your watch and can organize side trips to see the lovely Opium vineyards and rusted russian tank museum.

 Food we all love a good ethnic meal hell Vancouver is full of these places and you pay alot more and have to eat with people from Yaletown . The local food is an adventure, goat and donkey kababs and for you vegans there are plenty of bean dishes. If you are not into dining at the petting zoo one of the things we have brought the lovely people of Afghan is American fast food. Forget about building schools and hospitals they need, KFC, Pizza hut, and burger king. And if you are looking for that spa weight loss experience you are in luck. The local dysentery will shed those pounds right off.

 The entertainment options are more diverse than Granville street in Vancouver ( wait that is not saying much but at least there are no douchebags in Ed Hardy shirts in Kabul) If you are like me and inclined to enjoy a little booze you are out of luck. But if you like games of kick the cluster bomblets, or cock fighting you are in heaven. Do not miss the strip bars they actually show their eyes it is all very risqué and quite arousing.

 as you can see a vacation in Afghanistan maybe just what you are looking for and you never know you could even leave with a nice prosthetic leg  a intestinal parasite or a out of control heroin addiction as a free reminder of your stay.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Of Border Collies & Offensive Parrots

I live on a boat with two dogs and a verbally offensive parrot. Most of my friends have kids, and brag about them so I had to take a moment and introduce my little family of over achieving pets. It is funny that my choice of pets are breeds that are known for their intelligence, maybe I am over compensating for something?

aka: Mr. pants, Fig Newton, Hey You don't Eat That
Breed: Border Collie / rough coat
Age: 8 
Likes: guacamole, intense staring, swimming with harbour seals, travel, dark beer, any kind of Ball                      ( he suffers from B.A.D. ball Acquisition Disorder) he collects anything that is orb shaped, his                  G.W.  Bush chew toy, herding tourists, Sam Peckinpah movies, his backpack, raising money                    for UNICEF
Dislikes: Squirrels, pedicures, Nancy Grace, pooping in view of others, thunder/fireworks, high pitched                   voices

 I adopted Newton from a local shelter when he was 2. He is an amazing dog, loves everyone, fetches beer from the fridge, comes to work everyday with me. And enjoys walking the halls of my office on Fridays collecting money for UNICEF. He has raised over 4 grand so far. He has been a blessing in my life helping me thru the loss of my wife and my mental illness.

aka: no nicknames yet i just adopted him
Breed: Border Collie / rough coat
Age: 2
Likes: Shoes, swimming with other dogs at the beach, running laps on the boat, pickles, popcorn, belly               rubs, shaking paws, the taste of underwear, cats, intense staring ( it is a border collie thing)
Dislikes: brushing his teeth, not hogging the bed, the rubber bumpers on the boat, dogs in handbags
I just adopted Randell from a local border collie rescue, he so far is very sweet, very smart and likes to pose for pictures.

aka: the pornographic parrot, filthy bird, mr. chicken feet, mr. potty mouth
Breed: Yellow Naped Amazon
age 23
Likes: Screaming obscenities, the C-Word, breasts, eating pasta, dogs, going to the pub, offending                       Christians, talking back to the TV. watching the boats go by, treats at the office, the staff at the                   Korean BBQ up the street. giving tongue kisses
Dislikes: Being censored (when i cover his cage), sunglasses (he is an eye contact fellow), family values,
  Randell has a vocabulary of over 50 words and 30 sounds. he was taught his profanity not by me go figure but by his previous owner. his fav word is the C word which can be very awkward, and mother fucker, dirty whore, and shit bag. he also like to compliment women by saying they are pretty then he will laugh and depending on his mood call you a whore. He loves to cuddle and kiss and generally likes everyone. He loves dogs and will ride on Newtons back when we go for walk. He will not poop on you he will ask to go crap. For all his misogyny he is a wonderful companion.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Cruise Ship Vacations Un-Censored Part 3 " Crew LIfe! Apartheid at Sea!"

You may have been on a cruise, watched the “Love Boat” or just wondered
what it is like for to work on a cruise ship. I have been asked by a lot
of people what it is like to work on a luxury cruise ship?
I am here to answer your questions with a un-censored and candid view
into living and working on these floating

They clean your cabins, feed you wonderful meals, play games with you
help you spend your money, and for most of the crew try and give you a
wonderful vacation experience. But the lives of these hardworking men
and women on board is not always a working vacation. Cruise lines flag
their vessels in countries like the Bahamas, Panama, Libra and other
flags of convince for the part to avoid labor laws and minimum wages.
The men and women come to work on these vessels for many reason, some
for work as their home nation may have high unemployment and they can
make a better living at sea. Others come for adventure and escape, and
some are hotel and marine professional. With this said life at sea can
be a floating apartheid system. Separating crew into casts is a tried
and true tradition at sea.
Here is a quick breakdown of this separation, pay, quality of shipboard
life and to some degree nationality.

Officers: Officers are the ships management and separated into
two departments;

 * Marine / Deck & Engine; These folks are responsible for the
navigation, safety, environmental and physical plant of the
ship. Most are graduates of Maritime schools with a 4 year
degree they are professional seamen. They tend to come from
specific countries that have contracts with the cruise line, but
this is changing quickly to lower costs (it is always about the
money see my previous posts). They work 2 to 4 months on the
ship and 2 months off. These lucky folks have private cabins
usually with a window or porthole, which come in handy to cheat
on their spouses with and sexually harass passengers. They are
allowed to relax in the passenger areas of the ship on their
time off. And can be frequently seen drinking in the ships bars
& discos especially on mass on formal nights.

* Hotel Department Officers: The resort / rooms / food and
beverage dept. This particular species also usually wears
uniforms and even if they just manage a lounge take the strips
they wear seriously in a veiled attempt to seem self important.
Some of these people are tasked with stripping you of your money
at every turn others to make sure the nice folks who clean your
room, feed you your midnight buffet, and keep the ship tidy work
frightening long hours, live in fear of retribution and yes
sexually harass them. They can also can be seen in the bars and
lounges of the ship as they have deck privileges on their time
off. Like the Deck Dept, Hotel officers have private cabins,
work 2 to 4 months on 2 months off. In port they can be found
enjoying the local flavor like prostitutes, bars and casinos.
Whilst some will just soak up the sun.
Note: Not every Officer rules like Napoleon or Tito, some are kind, fun,
hardworking and fair. I have some very close friends who work in some of these positions. I also know
some people who are racists, misogynists, or just should never be allowed to interact
with humans.

Staff: The staff you could say are the middle class of the shipboard
caste system. They include, the
giftshop attendants, spa staff, entertainers, photographers, kiddie
staff, cruise staff, musicians, techs, casino ect. This bunch of fun
lovers tend to come to sea for adventure, escape, healing from the
wounds of yet another failed relationship and for a chance for a job.
The staff, lives for drinking in the crewbar, drinking in the discos,
drinking in the lounges,drinking in the cabins,
drinking on the beach. They also love sharing sexual partners and STDS,
planning events. Some staff work onboard for 4 months others up to 8
months. No days off, no over time ( thank you flags of convince ).
Generally a fun loving crowd with various levels of greed and motivation
separate you from your money. They tend to come from countries that do
not offend the passengers, like Canada, UK, South Africa..

Crew: Crew sit on the bottom of the shipboard food chain.. and surprise
surprise they work the hardest. These are your, cabin stewards, waiters,
bartender, cleaner, cooks, dishwasher, etc. they tend to come from
economically challenged countries. So the crap wages that they send
religiously home to their family's each week seem pretty good in
comparison. And the six to 8 months they are away from home, while
sharing a cabin the size of a jail cell with no window, no access to
passenger areas of the ship when they are not working. They commonly
have to pay off the bosses for better work assignment, live in fear of
retribution from some hotel officers, and generally looked down on by
the passengers. These men and woman work very very hard and most love
their jobs and enjoy the passengers they work with. I have nothing but
respect for them have enjoyed their company and am disgusted by the
treatment they get.

So Isn't there an H.R. Dept on board? Yes there is but they are usually
ineffectual and protect their friends with many stripes on their
uniforms and ignore the plight of the crew . I witness a staff member
who claimed she was raped by a senior officer, get fired for her trouble
and the officer in question remained on the ship. So H.R. Is a placebo
in place to make the cruise lines look good.

I mentioned drinking is a major pastime on board, well when you work for
8 months with no real days off, you will get some port time off but
never a full 24hrs, drinking is all there is to do. The crew bar sells
drinks for around a buck a drink, and once a month the ship throws a
party for all the crew. Free drinks!!!. Not a good night for a ship wide

More on the caste system, besides contract lengths, and jobs there is on
some lines less opportunities for people to move up out of their caste.
Chances are your waiter will never be a food and bev. Manager. On some
there is outright racism. I was on a new crew orientation on a ship and
the Capt addressed some of his crew as his little boys who clean his

Bulling and protection are abound and ranges from mini shipboard mafias,
to power hungry middle management. You can not stuff all these people
from many cultures in tight spaces for along time while working and
living together and not expect some clashes. And incident of racism is
what eventually lead me to finally leave working on ships after the
accused was protected by his own nations co-workers.

As long as these cruise lines continue to flag of convince and the
public does not demand proper treatment for their employees these abuses
will continue, unabated.
Next installment of cruise lines un-censored “Passenger Antics”

Sunday, September 20, 2009

"If Online Dating Profiles Were True" pt1

oLike so many people i have jumped into the world of online dating. One of the problems are that pictures do not always match what the profile says. So i am making an effort in the name of public service to clear up these misunderstandings;
likes: my boobs, people looking at my boobs, inappropriate halter tops,  welfare checks, lurking for men on myspace.
Dislikes: Winter Clothes, Skinny Bitches!, using a fork, Jogging
Seeking: men who will respect me for who i am inside,,,NOT, you must worship my boobs
Likes: Overplayed Broadway Musicals, Felines, Mascot costumes, Litter Box sex play, my 22 cats
Dislikes: Myself, people with self esteem, dogs, taxes on face paint, mice
Seeking: blind men, guys who like scratching posts, boys with sandpaper tongues, a ball of twine
 Likes: naps, pillows, drool, pajamas, dream interpretation, counting sheep
Dislikes: stimulation, walking & talking, conversation, long walks in the park, coffee
Seeking: a man who likes to snuggle, guys with king sized memory foam beds, mutes
"The Realtor"
Likes: Seeing my photo on business cards & bus stop benches, Over priced condos, $15 Dollar martinis
Dislikes: Renters, the mortgage crisis, the homeless, pictures of me in the real world
Seeking: Men with 800 fico scores, guys with flipable homes, men who drive sports cars, a soul
" Milf for Sale" 
Likes: Seeming desperate, prostitution, cats, bad personal choices, working at payless shoes
Dislikes: being divorced, days that are not halloween, my self respect, lack of affordable sex toys.
Seeking: men who see my lack of self respect as a bonus
"Look At Me!!"
LIkes: my reflection, not having any marketable skills, sex with 20 year olds, UFC, Ed Hardy shirts,   Me, and Me. and bulimia
Dislikes: clothing, eating, people who read, cotton, snow, night clubs that make me wait in line, paying for my own drinks and blow.
Seeking: Men who drive BMWs, Porsches, Hummers, Men with barbed wire tattoos, men who have issues with women, sexy ex-cons. my daughters ex boyfriends

Next installment the men of personal ads! it is only fair


Saturday, September 19, 2009

"Gallstones & Denman Street" a tale of my innards

     Thursday my body welcomed two members of my family. Two lovely
gallstones, they arrived in a wave of pain, cold sweats and the
inability to enjoy porn on the Internet. Deciding that I needed to seek
medical help I tried to make it to my scooter. This was not happening or
safe so I thought car. Nope not a choice either. It took me 20 minutes
to get dressed so driving was out of the question. 911? should I or shouldn't I? The pain was growing and I called.

   Surprised that they had to transfer me on the phone. In 5 minutes I
heard the wail of the sirens. I thought crap what did I do, as 2
firetrucks and an ambulance arrived.
The nice Paramedics gave me Nitros Oxide for the pain.... Loved it!!. I
have not had any since doing whip its in High School and it took the
pain and my inhibitions away. To be honest I did not want the ambulance
to arrive and stop my gas induced nirvana.

They took me right in and soon I was hooked up to an ekg, an I.V. And
pumped with enough Morphine to bring down a herd of Robert Downy Jrs.
The doctor a very attractive woman did my exam. She had to to a rectal
exam...... Good thing I listened to my mum all those years and had on
clean undies. I also since she was going to preform some foreplay on me
I asked to see the size of her hands first. They were small so I relaxed
and took it like an inmate.

After a visit to the Ultra-Sound it is official I have 2 lovely bouncing
new baby Gallstones. I named them “John & Kate”. Why because no matter
where you look or go these days those two bring on pain.

I am a foodie. I love to eat, cook and discuss food. I blame the new
arrivals on my Neighborhood. I live in the West End of Vancouver. There
is a street called Denman St. It is a food orgy. The Caligula of dinning
establishments. I call it Lipid Strassa or Ru De Angina. Here is a brief
list of the gallstone manufacturing plant called Denman St.

   * Japanese Isakaya: there are at least 4 on this street & 10 in
  the area. Like a Japanese sports bar the food is mostly deep
  fried Asian goodness
  * Cupcakes: it draws me in with the giant butter cream cupcakes
  one is never enough and on more than 1 occasion I have eaten 8
  * Cream Puff Shop; another hideous large dessert full of creamy
  sweet crack.
  * La Doce: it is all chocolate from Hot Coco with fresh melted
  chocolate to cakes and cookies, it is a diabetics version of
  Dantes Inferno
  * Legendary Noodles: Hand mad Chinese noodle shop, words and
  cardiologists can not even explain
  * Many Swarama wrap places: God loves children and pressed meat
  spinning on a pole
  * Vera's Burger Shack; home to all things beef patty. My personal
  fav is the “The Doug Special” its a bypass inducing delight of;
  open faced, double meat, double cheese, double fried onions & a
  double scoop of chili.
  * Mr Pickwick's: Fish & Chips that make me feel like having sex
  with the Queen maybe even prince Charles.
  * Gelato: at least 3 of them as well
  * French Canadian Rotisserie Chicken: Poutine, Montreal Smoked Meat
  and Poultry * Dairy Queen
  I blame this street on the arrival of my gallstones, Fuck You, Denman
St. and I will be seeing you soon. I feel like a victim of domestic
violence I keep coming back for more.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

"Insomnia & The Things I Have Learned"

Sleep is a mystery to me, I have suffered from one form or another of Insomnia since my wife passed away. I used to think it was connected to my bi-polar, but soon I realized that when I am Manic i do not sleep at all. Now I sleep around 3 to 4 hours a night.  Not to mention extreme difficulty falling asleep. I have tried everything, from yoga to pills. I stopped the pills due to the fact that no matter what they say, they can be addicting, and they make every thing taste like the rusty bumper off an old ford.
 Today I just go with it, I sleep when my body and mind says sleep you jack ass. I have learned much in the nocturnal world here are a few;

  • Infomercials: I know them all, and at times have felt the urge to buy a bowflex, or a slap chop. But i know that the bowflex will become a 2 grand clothes rack and the slap chop will make me want to kill the shame wow guy. I also really want one of those old people bath tubs with a door. But now that I own a boat that is out of the question.  
  • Sleeping Habits of Dogs: I have studied the sleeping habits of my dog "Newton" He talks in his sleep ( i think he is chasing squirrels) and he wakes up every hour to inspect the boat to make sure no interlopers are aboard. He walks the same route every time and always brings his stuffed G.W. Bush doll to bed with him.
  • Food: I live in downtown Vancouver and there are no diners like in NY. There is a Denny's but I can not bring myself to eat there unless I am drunk ( and then I only order Moons over my Hammy) or it is my B-day and I get a free meal. I also have a 7-11 up the st. and the clerk will always give me free pizza and slurpies. 
  • Road Trips: Late night road trips are fun, the roads are empty and I can get to the 24 hour Target in Bellingham Washington pretty quickly, there are never lines at the border at 3 am.
  • Wandering the hood: I do this alot and I have learned that skunks rule the west end of Vancouver, and that the Mcdonalds has late night shopping cart parking for the local homeless.
  • Productivity: I am very productive because of my added hours, I write, surf the net, do some mundane work crap, organize my sock drawer, and of all things ironing.