By now most of you know I am back in hospital after a attempted suicide. I am safe but still fragile and working hard on getting better. One of the things that has given me strength are my friends, without their support and love my recovery would be much harder and somewhat empty.
Friendships are very important to someone when they are ill and feel alone and undeserving of love and friendship. I am blown away at the support I have received, friends have visited, emailed, called and have taken me out. Some friends I have never met as they are from twitter or other social media and also their support is that of friends and has made a difference in my life. I am grateful, moved and emotional from all of everyone's support and good will.
It is not easy to be friends with someone who is Bipolar or any mental illness for that matter. We tend to leave a wake of personal destruction behind us in our journey. This is why for so long I chose to be alone, no one to hurt in my path, that loneliness sucked but it worked. Then I went and made friends in my community, and not only like them and respect them for who and what they are but I love them for the people they are and their endless capacity to love. And at the end of the all we really want is for some folks to love us.
Yet here I am to say that I violated my closest friend and I's relationship and trust by lying to her and her family. I because of some crappy early family issues mixed with my bipolar will when stressed, afraid, over tired will lie and I lied to them. This may forever change our friendship and I hope we can still have a friendship after mine and mine alone actions. They have while being hurt been supportive and that makes me feel very good but I am still very sad for the damage that I have done. I am now working with a therapist on these issues and hope to soon be rid of them and to be a even healthier person.
I am making a contract with all my friends that I will not lie to any of you and if I feel like i need to will tell you. I also am open and welcoming you all to call me on my shit.
Friendship is a two way street, you have all been so kind I feel I owe it to you all to be the best badger I can be and to be a person you can trust, rely on and to be worthy of your friendship and Love.
I'm no expert on therapy or mental health treatment, but something I suggested to you indirectly through Air was writing down a list of things about yourself: the ones you've told people that are true, and the ones that aren't.
ReplyDeleteThen own that list, acknowledging it and letting it be part of who you are along with the truths it contains. I'm not sure if you'd feel comfortable posting it here on the blog, but one way of feeling less ashamed of lies is to get them out there, maybe making fun of some of them. After all, if you honestly say, "I lied about [X], boy wasn't that silly," then [X] isn't a lie anymore, is it?
I know there will probably be anonymous commenters who will rag on your for that, in an "I told you so" way -- but if they can't be honest about who they even are, whose problem is that really?
So I would like a button that says I understand, I managed to fuck up like that, when u fix your life can you fix mine, I just wish this was easier for you and for me. If you could add those next time, then I'll check some off! I am so sorry that you have had this terrible "episode" (isn't that such a great treatment term) lately. The good news is that I am so happy that u are in the hospital, where friends know that you are ok, they are visiting, you are getting care and drugs that you need. I know that it is not ideal. But it is where you need to be.
ReplyDeleteI think that I don't understand how friends are so wonderful. I have ignored, hibernated, not emailed, not spoken to all or many of my friends in the last yr. I hope that at one point, they will be there again and understand. This disease fucking sucks. The education and stigma around it sucks. My life with it sucks. I just hope that
Tomorrow your life sucks a little bit less than today. Sending a huge hug. You know where to find me. Lots of love, stephintoronto
Hi, Just got to your blog through Twitter. My name is Kat (www.Twitter.com/Lift_Depression) and I am giving you lots of hugs!
ReplyDeleteIt's what you do from now on that matters! There is lots of love and light within you that shines through your writting. Please heal!
Lots of people love you and need you.
oh, mr badger. just found out that you had fallen into that black hole. and so happy that you've managed to crawl out of it again.
ReplyDeleteyou have a way of opening my heart, how do you do that?
and i agree with derek. maybe you'll get around to trying that approach ...
lotsa love!