Monday, July 20, 2009

Internet Dating Weirdness



The joys of internet dating, if you have been single in the last 6 or 7 years you have probably dabbled in this medium of seeking love through the comfort of your underwear or flannel P.J.s...
I know I have. Being what is called an early adopted technology came quickly for me and after my wife died and I worked through my grieving it was a natural choice to look to my online world for companionship. I saw it as a supplement to the more traditional styles of dating;

A) drunken bar monkey sex: it has lead to some fun relationships and a case of the crabs but hey you cant win if you don't play right. this has been a way people have been waking up next to someone they would cross the street to avoid for years.

B)Co-Worker Love: Nothing says healthy like sleeping with a co-worker, this always starts out great, you have things in common, like the mutual disgust with your boss, and the desire to find out who is stealing the activa yogurt out of the break room fridge. But soon you realize that is all you have in common aside from the wild monkey sex (i use this reference alot) and the lonely isolation that only working in a cubicle can bring. The constant time near or with each other soon shines a spotlight on each others differences. This leads to a break up and the very uncomfortable working conditions that follow. ( I just want to be friends is a bull shit way we want to make ourselves feel better, when we really want to say "You creep me out and I do not want to see you again and restraining orders cost too much in this economy".)

C) The Friend's Hookup: Because your friend always knows who is good for you, never mind that he or she is really not a good person to judge taste in any relationship. But you are a good friend and would like to meet a good lay, err I mean person so you say sure! The truth is sometimes these work but if they fail you now cause a friend rift and have to share your friend like a child in a bad divorce.


So armed with these truths I set out on the internet dating adventure. I have tried many sites, from Jdate.com ( a jewish dating site) to match.com and e-harmony. I am currently looking for misses right on Plenty of Fish ( a free site and that comes with it's own set of issues). So here is my site break down;

Jdate.com; Being a man of Jewishness I thought i would try this service. I have lived in cities with various sized Jewish populations. This site would be great if i lived in NY but here in Vancouver ehhh not soo much. I had my problems here. I found that the women here tend to be looking for the typical Jewish man. I am not him, and frankly for some reason I have never had much luck with Jewish women. I have wanted to but alas nope it usually ends very badly. So no more Jdate for me.

Match.com: Not on it long enough and never dated anyone from the site.

E-Harmony.com; the ads are great it makes it seem like they have the power to find your soulmate. what a crock the have the power to take your money. They have a personality test, scientific they say to help find your soul mate. It is a joke, they ask do you like food? Oh course I do i need it to live for fucks sake. People can answer these questions anyway they want. So hence e-harmony is e-bullshit.... I went on 4 dates that they recommended and three were complete train wrecks and the fourth was good but no mutual attraction.

Plenty of fish.com: This site is free and was started and still run by a guy in a condo in Vancouver. Being free takes the pressure off thus allowing you to graze the site for as long as you want and to date as many emotionally vapid people you can. It is the cruise ship all you can eat buffet of dating. Lot;s of stuff to eat put most of it bland and not too appetizing. I have met some really nice women on this site, I have also met some real freakshows as well.


So now you are on a site and reading profiles, these can be the real entertainment of the web. It is amazing how many women are obsessed with yoga. I go to yoga twice a week but not 6 days a week, fuck. find some other hobbies other than a false body image. Then there is the " I have a very active social life lots of friends, go out all the time, work out everyday, blaablaa bla." So what do you need me for? you will never admit it is sex because you have worked your way though all your friends friends and co-workers (see above) or you cant be alone....ever...ever....

Then the list of demands and translations;

FROM WOMEN:
1) Must be Financially sound= must be rich (now we all want to be with someone who is responsible but if the first thing you list is money...Huge red flag!
2)Love the outdoors= see must be fit
3)must like dancing = I go out every night to the clubs and get really really drunk and you must be able to carry me home and hold my hair when I barf
4)Must love cats= Equals I have 8 to 12 cats and little social skills ( O.K. please stay far away from me one cat is fun three can be a hoot but any more say I am a creepy animal hoarder who is looking for love and acceptance in my feline friends
5) I like UFC / Ultimate Fighting = i only date douchebags who wear ED Hardy tee-shirts
6)I am younger than I look= I am a cougar and a alcoholic (see "must like dancing")
7) No players, Liars, cheats= I have been hurt, used and in generally all unhealthy relationships and come with a shipping container of emotional baggage (see "must love cats") Do you think these kind of men will read that and say well I guess I wont try and get a date with her, because I am an asshole. They will say great I can take advantage of this one as well.

FROM MEN:

1) must be fit= hot and anorexic
2)likes the outdoors= hunting and fishing but not with you just my buddies
3)must be open minded= i will probably ask you for a threesome, anal sex, or accepting of my porn addiction
4)must be family orientated= a) I am a momma's boy b) I have 4 kids from three marriages c) I am a fundamentalist Mormon
5) must like dogs= I have a pit bull
6) Financially Stable = your credit cards

Not that I am saying you cannot find a partner online, but if your list of demands read like a union negotiation you may be waiting along time. Take a chance date outside your comfort zone because we all know how well your comfort zone has been working for you til now. Attraction is elusive so you never know when hit will hit you and being an open person allows life's little surprises to find you. Some people online serial date, women who do are looking for free meals and sometimes sex, men pretty much sex and will pay for an expensive dinner and drinks to get it.
I am just an average looking guy with a decent job who treats women well looking for that connection that I once had before. Simple as that. I don't require a structured workout schedule or a certain job. Just a good person.
Status is not important to me . So much for a list of demands. The internet is the new singles bar and it can be productive if you are honest, open and where else can you meet someone while wearing a mud facial mask in an old pair of sweats or like me usually naked........ I will leave you with that image.

2 comments:

  1. Thank you for this post, we are a online dating website blog network, which college students read our blog, so thanks and well post this article on our blog. Internet dating

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  2. Great (and hilarious) post, Steven. I think those translations are pretty accurate, at least from my friend's experiences. When I was younger I tried phone dating (this was pre-internet) and found that, among other things, stocky meant obese and creative meant super-feminine. Good times.

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