Saturday, January 9, 2010

A Field Guide to Vancouverites Part 1 "The Bitchanista"

The first species in my "Field Guide to Vancouverites" is "The Bitchanista" this variety of Vancouverite is  plentiful and we should put in place a hunting season to cull the herd.

Bitchanista: Genus homocuntis 

Geography: Yaletown with some being spotted in Kitts, & and now infecting parts of gastown.

Identifying marks: the Bitchanista is often seen sporting ugg boots, big shinny knock off designer hand bags, small rat like k-9s seem to love to live off the bitchanista's like a furry tape worm. they usually are wearing too much makeup and are very skinny.

Behavior: The Bitchanista loves to shop and vocalize about the high end places they shop at all whilst working at La Sensa.. They are know for the repeated vocalization of "Like" . The Bitchanista is only attracted to men who are wealthy & vapid as actual personality frightens the Bitchanista. The Bitchanista tends to nest with others of the same genus in Yaletown condos that they cannot afford alone. These hives of Bitchanistas are called "Shallow Nests" where they can complement each other then vocalize about each other behind the other ones back. This is a important behavioral ritual in their culture. When exposed to books or culture the Bitchanista will start drooling, shake, and repeatably pet there k-9 parasite.

Diet: the Bitchanista rarely eats when she does it is not in public. Eating a whole pizza in her bathroom is not uncommon but mostly she lives of rice cakes and vitamin water.

Breeding: The Bitchanista only comes into heat after seeing  money or the promise of money. But feed her enough expensive cocktails at a foo foo lounge and she will mate with you once and only once.

Beware of her powers of tight yoga pants and over frosted lips she is not a dangerous species but she can dumb you down or steal your soul.....

Next entry will be the Main Street Beardos