Friday, October 15, 2010
I have been struggling for awhile being on disability and not working, I have worked almost all of my adult life and find not working to very very hard to get used to. I am not seeking the same full time work that I have spent the good part of two decades doing as I am not healthy enough physically or Mentally to do my chosen career justice both to myself and possible employers.
Besides my mental health of which I am still on the mend from, I am also dealing and not dealing with my physical illness. I have a form of Bone Cancer called "Chordoma" and this is what causes me all of my physical pain and some days leaves me unable to do much more than eat pills, drool and lay on my bed.
There are arguments on both sides of me working a little, that I need to focus on my care, and as long as I can feed myself and have a roof over my head than everyone is ok and I should focus on me first. There is also the corner that says " I should work a little or Volunteer somewhere".
I need to do something, sure my disability insurance is covering my needs but rarely my wants. I used most of my money to cover my debts and the debts of my Father which I promised to take care of. I still miss have the extra cash to do things, to occasionally spoil myself, to be spontaneous at all. I also need some human contact on a regular basis and working / volunteering would offer me that.
I know I am too sick to work now my heart knows that but my mind does not and fights with my heart. I am stuck and somewhat lost. I feel like a charity case sometimes, ashamed other times when I have no reason to be ashamed. I just miss having a full life like i had. I may get used to this but I do not have to like it.