Saturday, October 2, 2010
I have a default switch in my head and that is to be alone, to sit in my own shit like some fucking happy baby with that same bewildered look in my eyes. Yes I do like to some degree being alone, it is comfortable and easy like a old shoe. I also long for companionship a best friend. My close friends are scattered across the globe, the ones I can always go to when I am sitting staring into the rabbit hole and thinking, "Why Not?" Yes I call them and that does help but it still feels like I am prisoner in my own loneliness and only allowed to have contact by phone.
I miss my J.J. as she was my companion not just a wife but a friend alway able to find a way to take my mind off things long enough to let my crazy ass head spool down long enough for me to catch my breath. I have other friends who do the same. I miss these folks.
The title of this post is a song from "John Prine" & "Nanci Griffith" , the speed of the sound of loneliness is fast and quiet and to me the more I feel alone the more I want to isolate. I fight it and that fight is exhausting me, today If I could have only one thing that would stop the sound of loneliness if just for a moment would be to have a day with J.J. back just walking or sitting in bed and watching bad TV.
I am lonely / isolated and in some ways more than ever before. Will I be ok? Only time will tell, will I come out the other side less sensitive to my feelings of loneliness and fears of abandonment. Who Knows? I know today I am not doing well, I also know that I am working on theses things and my rational mind knows that is a step back from the edge of my rabbit hole.