Saturday, September 19, 2009

"Gallstones & Denman Street" a tale of my innards

     Thursday my body welcomed two members of my family. Two lovely
gallstones, they arrived in a wave of pain, cold sweats and the
inability to enjoy porn on the Internet. Deciding that I needed to seek
medical help I tried to make it to my scooter. This was not happening or
safe so I thought car. Nope not a choice either. It took me 20 minutes
to get dressed so driving was out of the question. 911? should I or shouldn't I? The pain was growing and I called.

   Surprised that they had to transfer me on the phone. In 5 minutes I
heard the wail of the sirens. I thought crap what did I do, as 2
firetrucks and an ambulance arrived.
The nice Paramedics gave me Nitros Oxide for the pain.... Loved it!!. I
have not had any since doing whip its in High School and it took the
pain and my inhibitions away. To be honest I did not want the ambulance
to arrive and stop my gas induced nirvana.

They took me right in and soon I was hooked up to an ekg, an I.V. And
pumped with enough Morphine to bring down a herd of Robert Downy Jrs.
The doctor a very attractive woman did my exam. She had to to a rectal
exam...... Good thing I listened to my mum all those years and had on
clean undies. I also since she was going to preform some foreplay on me
I asked to see the size of her hands first. They were small so I relaxed
and took it like an inmate.

After a visit to the Ultra-Sound it is official I have 2 lovely bouncing
new baby Gallstones. I named them “John & Kate”. Why because no matter
where you look or go these days those two bring on pain.

I am a foodie. I love to eat, cook and discuss food. I blame the new
arrivals on my Neighborhood. I live in the West End of Vancouver. There
is a street called Denman St. It is a food orgy. The Caligula of dinning
establishments. I call it Lipid Strassa or Ru De Angina. Here is a brief
list of the gallstone manufacturing plant called Denman St.

   * Japanese Isakaya: there are at least 4 on this street & 10 in
  the area. Like a Japanese sports bar the food is mostly deep
  fried Asian goodness
  * Cupcakes: it draws me in with the giant butter cream cupcakes
  one is never enough and on more than 1 occasion I have eaten 8
  * Cream Puff Shop; another hideous large dessert full of creamy
  sweet crack.
  * La Doce: it is all chocolate from Hot Coco with fresh melted
  chocolate to cakes and cookies, it is a diabetics version of
  Dantes Inferno
  * Legendary Noodles: Hand mad Chinese noodle shop, words and
  cardiologists can not even explain
  * Many Swarama wrap places: God loves children and pressed meat
  spinning on a pole
  * Vera's Burger Shack; home to all things beef patty. My personal
  fav is the “The Doug Special” its a bypass inducing delight of;
  open faced, double meat, double cheese, double fried onions & a
  double scoop of chili.
  * Mr Pickwick's: Fish & Chips that make me feel like having sex
  with the Queen maybe even prince Charles.
  * Gelato: at least 3 of them as well
  * French Canadian Rotisserie Chicken: Poutine, Montreal Smoked Meat
  and Poultry * Dairy Queen
  I blame this street on the arrival of my gallstones, Fuck You, Denman
St. and I will be seeing you soon. I feel like a victim of domestic
violence I keep coming back for more.

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