Sunday, September 20, 2009

"If Online Dating Profiles Were True" pt1

oLike so many people i have jumped into the world of online dating. One of the problems are that pictures do not always match what the profile says. So i am making an effort in the name of public service to clear up these misunderstandings;
likes: my boobs, people looking at my boobs, inappropriate halter tops,  welfare checks, lurking for men on myspace.
Dislikes: Winter Clothes, Skinny Bitches!, using a fork, Jogging
Seeking: men who will respect me for who i am inside,,,NOT, you must worship my boobs
Likes: Overplayed Broadway Musicals, Felines, Mascot costumes, Litter Box sex play, my 22 cats
Dislikes: Myself, people with self esteem, dogs, taxes on face paint, mice
Seeking: blind men, guys who like scratching posts, boys with sandpaper tongues, a ball of twine
 Likes: naps, pillows, drool, pajamas, dream interpretation, counting sheep
Dislikes: stimulation, walking & talking, conversation, long walks in the park, coffee
Seeking: a man who likes to snuggle, guys with king sized memory foam beds, mutes
"The Realtor"
Likes: Seeing my photo on business cards & bus stop benches, Over priced condos, $15 Dollar martinis
Dislikes: Renters, the mortgage crisis, the homeless, pictures of me in the real world
Seeking: Men with 800 fico scores, guys with flipable homes, men who drive sports cars, a soul
" Milf for Sale" 
Likes: Seeming desperate, prostitution, cats, bad personal choices, working at payless shoes
Dislikes: being divorced, days that are not halloween, my self respect, lack of affordable sex toys.
Seeking: men who see my lack of self respect as a bonus
"Look At Me!!"
LIkes: my reflection, not having any marketable skills, sex with 20 year olds, UFC, Ed Hardy shirts,   Me, and Me. and bulimia
Dislikes: clothing, eating, people who read, cotton, snow, night clubs that make me wait in line, paying for my own drinks and blow.
Seeking: Men who drive BMWs, Porsches, Hummers, Men with barbed wire tattoos, men who have issues with women, sexy ex-cons. my daughters ex boyfriends

Next installment the men of personal ads! it is only fair


1 comment:

  1. Hey Steven! So funny, and so true... for guys, too. I'm VERY thankful to have met the love of my life, through running in FL (weird place to have met Barry) and will never need to step foot in a dating site again.

    I did have *some luck with them in the past. Hope you have better luck with normal chicks rather than those posted above :)

    Great to see you at the MEET n' GREET -- starts again tonight at 7:30! Hope to see ya there this weekend!