Friday, September 11, 2009

"Packing list for a Disturbed TVJournalist"

I am off the Uganda for work I guess once again it is getting weird in this tropical paradise.....
Having been traveling like this to non tourist destinations for years now I have perfected my packing list based on climate both political and environmental, chances of being shot, ability to obtain comfort items and chances of catching something that will either make my dick fall off, bugs grow under my skin, shit myself for weeks, or some other hideous aliment that seems to enjoy living in Africa and inflicting pain on visiting Canadian Alcoholically inclined Jews.
This is my time proven list;

  1. Luggage: No time for Hermes or those huge hard side luggage that all the ESL students from japan seem to use. My sturdy north face rubberized duffel (doubles as a body bag or body parts bag) My Osprey Backpack with Canadian flag sewn on and PRESS in big letters, Laptop bag and Camera bag.

  2. Electronic toys: (Not my Fleshlight I leave that at home) 1 Blackberry Bold, 1) i-phone for twittering, music 1) Iridium 9505A Satellite Phone since Cell phone coverage is spotty at best in africa ( can you hear me now local despot or war lord) l.e.d headlamp and flashlight. 1)Macbook pro (never leaves hotel or is shown in public) 1) Panasonic Tough Book ( you can beat people with these in the water while in a sand storm and still see facebook updates, truly brilliant). 1) digital point and shoot. ( can be used as bribe to local police )

  3. Personal Stuff: You have to be careful here as I know I am known to over pack but some things you just don't leave home without. 2 toothbrushs in case one touches anything other than my mouth. 5 rolls of flattened toilet paper ( my tender butt needs luxury) 1 bottle of Imodium for the watery poo that will always appear. 1) leatherman tool, 1) carbon flick knife. I used to bring deodorant but soon realized that it is way tooo hot and humid and the smell of it attracts bugs see hideous ailments in above paragraph. 2 pairs of sunglasses, 2 pairs of reading glasses, 2 pairs of shot glasses ( you never know) 1 Cheap wrist watch, 1 fake Rolex or brietling ( for bribery reasons) sunblock, condoms not lubricated ( for my blackberry and i-phone silly , even I am not stupid enough to have casual sex in Africa). Various pain killers and anti-botics, and a small first aid kit.
    Clothing or Dressing the news Monkey:
    Clothing choice is important, remember that Africa is well Africa hot, dogs spontaneously combust on the streets from the heat and it is so humid that you almost need gills instead of lungs. I avoid any brand names, you can get killed for some labels and for others like Ed hardy should be killed. So no Kenneth Coles tux for me.
    4 Mountain hardware convertible pants, less like a drop top more like shorts and pants they are spants! (Nothing in or little in cotton it wets wet and stays wet) 4 Mountain hardwear shirts. 4 pairs of lovely merino wool undies to keep the boys dry and cool, 10 pairs of smart wool socks, (smart wool makes the best socks in the world and in the US as well) a couple of tee shirts, tube webbing belt that can be used as a tourniquet if I or someone else loses a much loved limb. And a tilly endurable's hat ( it is a trademark of Canadian traveling everwhere) Footwear, very very important especially in air that has the consitancey and smell of bad chicken soup. 1 pair of Solomen hiking boots, 1)pair of soloman gortex trail trainers, one pair of keen sandals, and finally flip flops for the showers, if there are any again see above paragraph for bugs and aliments. If there are showers one never knows.
    Extras & Safety;
      Things I bring for my little remaining sanity, and or the kids. It is all about the kids isn't it? 1royal blue flak jacket with PRESS on front and back and 1 Kevlar helmet in case the locals go loco. 1) waterproof thumbdrive with my passport info and contact info, 1) set of dog tags, I am O+ if anyone cares. Water proof matches, and a lighter 2 Novels for my third world country reading pleasure. And my water filter with nalgene bottle
      For the kids I always bring lots of pens, pencils, notebooks, and a few solar calculators and wind up radios. I also bring a chargeable small photo printer so I can take pictures of the kids and give them the photos.
    This list does not include all the TV equipment
    So I personally travel with around 150lbs for my American friends and 68 kilos for the rest of the world and to my backwards English friends almost 11 stones. I have it down to a science, no extras no fluff, and nothing that I cannot leave in an instant if I need to. Packing for the airport is important as I do not like body cavity searches no matter what my friend Barney says.....
    So next time you travel, and I hope you all will. Do not get stressed about what to bring on your trip to Europe or Florida. You most likely can pack everything you think you need and still not fill up my bags.
    Next; my trip to Uganda

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