Sunday, March 14, 2010
Blue screen of death? Spinning pinwheel of doom? All of us with a computer have experienced this. Then we restart and the same thing occurs. safe mode may work but it only leaves us with half the experience, it kinda works but does not offer any of the experiences we want and need.
The same can be said about our hearts. We have experiences that leave our hearts in a open loop of emotions. We see and feel the same feelings over and over and no one in emotional tech support can help. Separating what we emotionally know from what our hearts tell us is real battle, as the heart and mind are both stubborn and do not like to loose. For me it extra difficult as I wear my heart on my sleeve like a huge arortic cuff link for all to see. I am a pretty transparent guy, if I am sad I look and sound sad, if I am angry I look and sound angry. This is not bad or good just who I am.
The only way to get our hearts & minds in sync emotionally is to reboot, to see in all it's painful reality why we feel the way we do. We need to communicate with others exactly how we feel and why. Sometimes more than once. Understanding how and why we feel is a skill few of us learn or use, self awareness is our button for a clean emotional install. Yes there will always be legacy feelings, but they get easier the more transparent you are with yourself and others.
You can fight it, ignore it, cover it in other crap like some emotional hoarder but it is always there. Re-booting is the only answer in my opinion.
I will use me for example. I am by either nature or nurture sensitive, my heart is my dominant side. I have tried to be a asshole, a cold man who does not feel in order to cover my exposed heart. This has been a massive failure, because it is not true to who I am. Yes I use my burly off colour darkside to form a shell around my heart insulating it from the emotional viruses that will give my mind the blue screen of death. But know me and I mean really know me and you will find a very soft, gentle man. So if i keep this protective barrier up, my emotional system crashes like windows ME.
Today I did a hard re-boot... it may or not work time will tell, as a clean install is impossible in our emotional lives. What I do know is, at least I can still feel, pain is better than no feelings at all.....