Being alone for so long now it seems that I have unlearned things that make a person a good friend. I have always been somewhat stubborn and frankly can keep people from helping me. It is a trait I learned from my Dad who was the king of "I am OK". Six months ago this would not have been such an issue for me. I was resigned and accepting that for the most part I would be pretty much alone for the remainder of my life. Reaching that point of comfort was not easy, or comfortable, yet like most people with acceptance became kinda ok.
This has not been my best of years, personal loss, a diagnosis of cancer, and my recent trip into a mental health crisis had left me pretty beaten up. Who could blame me for wanting to burrow deep into my emotional castle keep, only to venture out when it was comfortable to do so? There is one catch to this theory and plan though. Friends! In recent months I have made some wonderful friends, people who accepted my crazy ass into their lives even when I had so little to give back, or just forgot how to. Some of these people I see everyday, some once and a while, others I reconnected with after years apart. Then one day I was not alone anymore and this scared the crap out of me, I worked hard and long to be alone for the most part keeping people on my peripheral, letting them in only as much as my comfort zones would allow.
It may seem to those who know me that I am outgoing, open and will disclose freely my life. Yes I am open but open does not mean close. I carry with me a lot of personal pain and grief, along with a twisted sense of pride that has forced me to not ask for help emotionally when I need it.
I have learned in recent weeks that I cannot do this emotionally alone, that the people whom I care about next to me can and want to help, but my walls make it very difficult to care for me. How can you keep trying to care for a prick like me when I keep you at a distance? again lucky for me I met and have become friends with people who have such huge capacity to love and care. They have taken care of me regardless of my emotional kicking and screaming, even when their own emotional plates are over flowing. I am moved by this humanity in ways you may never understand. these amazing people have help my hand while I am relearning to be a human and a friend again.
I am not there yet, still, a work in progress and some days I run back to my old self, but I am dedicated to change to be the person I once was. I only hope that the do not give up before this happens. I am not now a easy person to always like, love or understand. My life is in some ways more complicated by the way I interact with it, growth is never easy or painless. Yet I am motivated to change these things about me, and try and leave the world around me a better place for knowing me.
So stick around as I empty some of the crap from my emotional closet and learn once more to not only ask for help, to accept that help and to give back to those who help me.
I will thank each of you who has aided me personally, and not here in this blog because HTML is not the way I want to do it. Be well my friends and readers and I am sorry if I have been cold, and distant it is only because that is what i knew to protect myself. Now I am learning differently.