Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Cruise Ships Un-Censored part 4 "Passenger Antics"

I know it has been awhile in coming from my last post in my series "Cruise Ships Un-Censored" as I have been distracted by 1) swine flu 2) bright shiny objects 3) other rants and mumblings. So as promised here is part 4 of my series "Passenger Antics"!

 I have spoke on my previous posts about the bank account emptying skills of cruise lines and those wacky ports of call, hell I even wrote about the crew so now it is time to talk about the cruise lines sugar daddies and mommies the passengers.

 People come to cruise from many cultures, areas, physical sizes, degree of crazy and any other demographic you can think of but they have 2 things in common. 1) they want a fun vacation 2) they love free food. I will try and break down passengers into a few categories ranging from first time cruiser, cruise addicts, groups, and the insane.produced by the cruise lines, TV shows and dreams of be pampered whilst exploring exotic locations.

 FTC (first time cruisers as i will call them) come aboard with deer in headlight eyes running around the ship like ADD kids on meth.  They will ask incredibly stupid questions,  spend all there money, buy every shore excursion, and generally not too demanding. They are the blank canvas that cruise lines can play their little games of fleecing, bait and switch and general douchbaggery on.

Frequent Cruisers: (also known as FCAH frequent. cruiser, ass. holes. ) this genus tends to be parasitic in nature and will demand upgrades, inspect the ship, cabin, food, crew and ports of call like an anal retentive  mystery shopper with anger management issues. they can generally be found berating the pursers / front desk staff, abusing the waiters & cabin stewards, name dropping obscure cruise line managers and ship board managers in order to get a $10 dollar shipboard credit or a free bottle off bath tube wine. They will wave their loyalty cards around in delusional rants, brag about all the cruises they have been on, and wear all the free cruise line merch that they get for being pains in the ass. Armed with a sense of entitlement equal to the execs at AIG or The Royal family they do nothing but moan and state how much better their last cruise was compared to this one. When you know they bitched about their last cruise just as much. I always wanted to tell them that while we appreciate their loyalty do you expect free shit from Walmart just because you shop there all the time. Frequent cruiser. It is funny because the cruise lines kiss their midnight buffet filled asses while they spend less on the cruise, know not to spend money on the ship and generally are poor revenue generators on the ships.

Groups: The best income creating subspecies onboard as they are a hybrid of FTC and FCAHs. They are usually themed from Elvis impersonators ( nothing says sad like a ship with 1500 elvi on board) Wedding, Gay (the best groups ever!!!!! love them!!!) Lesbians ( lots of domestic arguments and mullets) those crazy red hat ladies. High School Senior trips ( date rapes, drug smuggling, vandalism public raging drunkenness.) Cheer Leaders ( I cannot even write about them without throwing up  a bit) and my personal faves Faith healers ( they never cured my b-polar illness or male pattern balding so fuck them big group of sheeple morality police) Groups are demanding but usually never in a bad way, more often very cool unless you get a nautical bridezilla. yes bridezilla do swim.

Stupid Things I have seem passengers do ( oh, and a name the crew calls them are "Cones" . "Punters" )

  • Line up for a hour to just take pictures of the fucking chocolate buffet it is like a coco orgy mixed with the running of the bulls, if the bulls were all hungry Oprahs.
  • i have seen people have sex all over the ship including the glassed elevators...i called it fuckers under glass
  • The wearing of identical tee-shirts. A common on disturbing effect ion that seems to infect, old couples, youg sheltered couples and weird groups like the evangelical group whose shirts said WWJDOTC ( what would Jesus do on this cruise) i could only hope Jesus would through them over board or give them all Norwalk virus.
  • the shutter bugs, they will take a picture with every crew member and then think they are your best friend.
  • i saw a teenager steal a trumpet from a band member and hurl it over overboard.
  • I have witnessed many domestic violence incidents as just because drunk abusive daddy takes mum on a nice cruise does not mean he stops being an abusive asshole. 
  • Grandma thank you for flashing me your boobies and your picacu i will now go attend to my softon.
  • We had a swingers group charter the whole ship once. People were bumping uglies everywhere. the whole ship smelled like sex, ben-gay and astroglide. 
So the rules are simple passengers, do not moan to staff every 5 minutes about the ship rocking we are at sea, or yell at us. We hate you anyway do not validate our disgust with you with crazy antics.

Cruising is a great way to relax but remember if your way of relaxing is getting drunk and running around the ship naked you may be crossing into what the idea of relaxing is for other people. no one wants to see granny give a blow job in an elevator

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