Friday, October 9, 2009

My Trip to Afghanistan, "A Disfuntional Travel Guide"

I just returned from a assignment in the pleasurable resort country of Afghanistan, a place full of wonder and beauty, if beauty to you is, brown mountains, goats who have more rights than women, and a good chance you will be blown up on a afternoon road trip.

 Not wishing to bore you will the usual crap about this lovely stan country that you can receive on any news webpage or ranting out of the mouth of a conservative wing nut tv or radio commentator i will instead provide a post of travel tips and observations that my only my booze and pork deprived mind could muster after 2 & half weeks in the land of rocks and poppies.

So looking for some adventure travel? tired of club med or a all inclusive resort spa in Mexico. Well maybe a trip to Afghanistan is for you. That is if you like dust and donkey meat wraps.

 There are many ways to book your flight, you can join the army and get a nice flight on cargo plane with lovely fabric webbing seats and army rations as a inflight meal ( they are better than the crap air Canada offers and fresher) or you can fly into Pakistan and take a lovely scenic mule ride across the border with your sweet Taliban guide.

 Once in country you need a place to stay. i recommend the bed & breakfasts they are just like the ones here except for roaming chickens, feral dogs and no sweet gay couple managing them ( they were all beheaded a few years back) The beds are comfy and close to the floor if you need to duck from a truck bomb or joyous AK-47 celebratory gun fire. The concierge  will assist you in finding your kidnapped mate for a couple of bucks and your watch and can organize side trips to see the lovely Opium vineyards and rusted russian tank museum.

 Food we all love a good ethnic meal hell Vancouver is full of these places and you pay alot more and have to eat with people from Yaletown . The local food is an adventure, goat and donkey kababs and for you vegans there are plenty of bean dishes. If you are not into dining at the petting zoo one of the things we have brought the lovely people of Afghan is American fast food. Forget about building schools and hospitals they need, KFC, Pizza hut, and burger king. And if you are looking for that spa weight loss experience you are in luck. The local dysentery will shed those pounds right off.

 The entertainment options are more diverse than Granville street in Vancouver ( wait that is not saying much but at least there are no douchebags in Ed Hardy shirts in Kabul) If you are like me and inclined to enjoy a little booze you are out of luck. But if you like games of kick the cluster bomblets, or cock fighting you are in heaven. Do not miss the strip bars they actually show their eyes it is all very risqué and quite arousing.

 as you can see a vacation in Afghanistan maybe just what you are looking for and you never know you could even leave with a nice prosthetic leg  a intestinal parasite or a out of control heroin addiction as a free reminder of your stay.

1 comment:

  1. Can I send off for the brochure?

    NetChick sent me here.