Sunday, December 13, 2009

"The Thoughts of my Inner Owl"

It has been a dogs age since I have written anything as my life has been really odd as of late. But a nap, a dream and a song from one of my favorite singer songwriters gave me motivation to write.

 I have called my mind my inner owl, have for years. It can be wise, usually up all night and sees thing thru wide eyes. I usually struggle to write really personal stuff about myself. If i do they tend to be snarky in a way of softening the emotional blow on myself. But today my inner owl hooted....................

 As alot of my readers and friends know, i lost my wife, best friend and amazingly kind human being some years ago. Not a day goes by that i do not miss her. Having a best friend in which you share the kind of intimacy that we did is i feel rare. And in intimacy i do not mean sex, it is a deep connection between two humans. Sharing without judgement or motives. A deep kindness and understanding.
 I do have friends i share a deep intimacy with as in any relationship I have or seek it is very important to me to connect on many levels. I am very greatfull for these folks that I have in my life and new friends that I make on my life's journey.

 I have attempted to delve back into the dating world for awhile now. With little success, some heart breaks and alot of weirdness. But I am always fearful.. No I have never been a relationship junkie. I do not need one to feel full. But I do like them and who does not like being in a healthy relationship it feels pretty good...
 For a while now I have been celibate, by choice. I have not seeked to be with anyone. Friends are all I needed. My inner Owl hooted this to me. It has been great, freed from the fear, worry, and stress of dating. Lets face it dating sucks.....

 I have never been good at it. I am really good at relationships because that is what I know, and i do well. But dating scares the crap out of me. I am also lousy at reading women. Ok i am really lousy at reading women I am attracted to. My inner Owl heads to the Bahamas when I am around someone I am attracted to. I can read people well. It is a gift, almost a scary. I prefer the company of women as they make up most of my social circle. But get me around someone I like and poof I am rainman.

 My Owl hooted today...and now I understand. I am afraid of losing the memories I have had from my wife. That if i give my heart away somehow that love will disappear. It is ridiculous, but the Owl has hooted. I will no longer seek celibacy as a way of protecting my heart, my heart deserves better. But I will still not actively seek a partner. If by fate, luck, Karma whatever a person enters my life that gets me.. all of me then I will allow myself to love again. I know that Jay's Love will never leave me and that I can fit more into me. But I refuse to rush. My life may end before I have the opportunity to Love again. And that is ok too. My life is full, I am blessed with great friends. I guess my own moral to this story is Listen to the inner Hoots of your own Owls, and embrace life on it's own terms.

 My inner Owl was motivated by this Song From Nanci Griffith, Hoot Hoot!!!!!

Shut it down and call this road a day
And put this silence in my heart in a better place
I have travelled with your ghost now so many years
That I see you in the shadows
In hotel rooms and headlights
You're coming up beside me
Whether it's day or night
 These days my life is an open book
 Missing pages I cannot seem to find
 These days your face
 In my memory
 Is in a folded hand of grace against these times

No one's ever come between your memory and me
I have driven this weary vessel here alone
Will you still find me if I leave you here beside this road
Cuz' I need someone who can touch me
Who'll put no one above me
Someone who needs me
Like the air she breathes
(repeat chorus)
I can't remember where this toll road goes
Maybe it's Fort Worth, maybe it's a heart of gold
The price of love is such a heavy toll
That I've lived my life in the backroads
With your love in my pocket
If I spend the love you gave me
Tell me where will it go?
(repeat chorus)
These days your face
In my memory
Is in a folded hand of grace
Folded hand of grace
Folded hand of grace
Against these times


  1. That was beautiful Steven! Thank you for sharing that.

    The love of your wife will always be with you. You can't lose that. And by loving another it won't replace your wife's love. She will always be with you.

    And your wise in not rushing. Just take it easily, follow your heart and do what comes naturally.

    Love and light,

    Emme xoxo

  2. aw your wife was a lucky lady to have someone love her so much...thanks for sharing :)