Monday, May 17, 2010
Crazy Eyes... or actions. I have discovered one way that I use my being "Out" as crazy as a tool to in my social life. There are many ways we build walls around us, some of us act like assholes as a way of not letting people get close to us then sit alone and wonder why we have no social life. Others still will find the slightest personal defect and magnify it so it becomes a screen keeping someone away to protect our hearts.
Me I use my Crazy, and it can be both a passive and active interpersonal denial system. A tool that I have honed over the years as my moat that surrounds my heart. Myself like so many others have been hurt by the actions of people who in some cases were just mean and in others were just being a product of whatever life had conditioned them to be. In my case I have been abandoned.
I have abandonment issues, they are not as bad as they were in the past but the way they manifest themselves is slicker, more polished now. I have been ill since my teens and in my teens the reaction to my mental illness by my peers was usually through bullying, being excluded, and just plain ignored, or when I did make friends left for the socal dead.
In some cases this.. well alot of cases this happened due to my behavior and actions when I was manic. Which when I was younger was quite often. It was hard to be friends with me. I was unpredictable, irresponsible, angry and just plain odd. My fault or not it hurt, and the pain went deep. I lost friends and family, I was forgotten or just plain mocked.
As I got older and wiser maturing into my crazy I learned that I could protect myself with it when I needed to. I used my illness to self destruct good relationships out of fear that they would abandon me first. This pattern went on for years and in some degree still does.
Today I am out and I tell everyone and anyone that I am Bipolar. I use this in two ways, in a altruistic way in order to break down stigma and educate people. I also use it to weed out folks who may break my heart later or are unable to be friends with someone like me. Better I scare you away then I let you in to hurt me.
I still fear being alone but I no longer dislike being alone. The people who know me, love me and except me warts and all I have no fear or insecurity about them leaving my life. But I am still cautious of new people, i still push even people who care about me away out of my own fear that "I" will fuck things up like I did so much in the past.
I call myself a "Asshole" a lot when I am getting to know people like some crazy person fog horn warning them to stay clear of my bat shit rocks. I know I do it and it is a personality flaw that I hate about myself. I hope that by writing this and exposing it that it will become harder and harder for me to do.
I want to fill my moat in and let people dance on my lawn...........................