What would you do and how would you feel if you found out that you had a expiration date or in my case I see it as a best served before date?
This morning I had a meeting with my Oncologist and my cousin who is chief of radiation oncology in NYC via conference call in my Dr's office. I knew somewhat that this day was coming, but in my usual fashion I did not entertain it much, out of sight out of mind right? Denial has kept me pretty warm over recent days. Today my licence to deny was revoked.
I have Chordoma a rare and incurable bone cancer, we have tried gene therapy to no real effect other than making me bleed from places one should not bleed and also simulating a mix of swine flu & ebola.
My Doctors sat me down and in a surprisingly jovial way told me that my gene therapy was not working and my tumors and cancer was spreading and that my life is now down to a window of no less than 3 years and no more than 8. Holy Shit!!! Now it is very real what does one do now? There is always a chance, new treatments are always appearing, but I cannot hang onto that as it is only a dream made of gossamer wings. If it happens great if not well you know.
Some things have already changed, I am on full disability from work as I cannot physically do the job anymore. This really hits me hard as for so long my life has been my work, it is my passion and now that passion is gone. I need to find a purpose in what is left of my life now and I have no idea what that is and that scares the shit out of me.
I know Cancer all too well, it took my Mum and I watched it slowly wither my wife a vibrant beautiful women until she passed. I am good at caring for others but shit at caring for myself. I never really see myself as worthy of being cared for nor am I good at being cared for.
So do I create a bucket list? Probably not as my life has been very full already and I have bungee jumped alot. Do I go all buck wild, leaving a trail of badger carnage in my wake? Nope, my days of that are over since I have understood my mental illness. So what do I do? I am pretty lost right now, but I do have some starter ideas.
- I will only spend time with positive people. I do not have the luxury of time to waste on negitive, hateful , gossipy folks who like to cover everyone around them with a coating of their internal pain and suffering. So asshats begone!!
- I hope to work on being a better person, leaving the people and world around me a better place. I have alot of work in this area as I am basically a asshole, or maybe a recovering asshole.
- I hope to be a voice for people with Mental Illness who do not have a voice of their own or have yet to find it.
- I will attempt to live my life in full, grab any experiences that float my way and try new things.
The Badger may have a expiration date, but I am going to try to embrace my life now on to my final lap....................