Monday, May 3, 2010

"The Badger Now Has a Expiration Date"

What would you do and how would you feel if you found out that you had a expiration date or in my case I see it as a best served before date?

 This morning I had a meeting with my Oncologist and my cousin who is chief of radiation oncology in NYC via conference call in my Dr's office. I knew somewhat that this day was coming, but in my usual fashion I did not entertain it much, out of sight out of mind right? Denial has kept me pretty warm over recent days. Today my licence to deny was revoked.

 I have Chordoma a rare and incurable bone cancer, we have tried gene therapy to no real effect other than making me bleed from places one should not bleed and also simulating a mix of swine flu & ebola.

 My Doctors sat me down and in a surprisingly jovial way told me that my gene therapy was not working and my tumors and cancer was spreading and that my life is now down to a window of no less than 3 years and no more than 8. Holy Shit!!! Now it is very real what does one do now? There is always a chance, new treatments are always appearing, but I cannot hang onto that as it is only a dream made of gossamer wings. If it happens great if not well you know.

Some things have already changed, I am on full disability from work as I cannot physically do the job anymore. This really hits me hard as for so long my life has been my work, it is my passion and now that passion is gone. I need to find a purpose in what is left of my life now and I have no idea what that is and that scares the shit out of me.

 I know Cancer all too well, it took my Mum and I watched it slowly wither my wife a vibrant beautiful women until she passed. I am good at caring for others but shit at caring for myself. I never really see myself as worthy of being cared for nor am I good at being cared for.

 So do I create a bucket list? Probably not as my life has been very full already and I have bungee jumped alot. Do I go all buck wild, leaving a trail of badger carnage in my wake? Nope, my days of that are over since I have understood my mental illness. So what do I do? I am pretty lost right now, but I do have some starter ideas.

  1. I will only spend time with positive people. I do not have the luxury of time to waste on negitive, hateful , gossipy folks who like to cover everyone around them with a coating of their internal pain and suffering. So asshats begone!! 
  2. I hope to work on being a better person, leaving the people and world around me a better place. I have alot of work in this area as I am basically a asshole, or maybe a recovering asshole.
  3. I hope to be a voice for people with Mental Illness who do not have a voice of their own or have yet to find it.
  4. I will attempt to live my life in full, grab any experiences that float my way and try new things. 
 This is by no way a bucket list, this is a road map to the remainder of my life, that I hope guides me in my new and final journey. I know that I will most likely be single for the remainder of my days as I do understand that getting involved with a dying guy is not a good bet, I am ok with this this. But I will need my friends, now more than ever. I am not good with letting people be nice to me, and frankly it scares me. Even though this is true I have to let people in as I do not want to die alone, which is my biggest fear and I guess most peoples.

 The Badger may have a expiration date, but I am going to try to embrace my life now on to my final lap....................


  1. Leslie (manx_cat)May 3, 2010 at 1:47 PM

    Cancer or no cancer, we should all embrace your point #1.

    Thank you for posting, brave man. I don't know if I'm "postive people" or not, but I do hope to spend time with you. xoxox

  2. cancer sucks, awesome friends and spending time with the people you want too doesn't. the kopi is on whenever you wanna come over and drink it. <3

  3. Damn, that's a bit of a bitch, huh?

    Well, asshole or not, you're a pretty cool guy in my book, Steven. Really, the only part of what you're going through that I can relate to is difficulty with letting other people do nice things for me. I'm working on it.

    But if you want some practice, call me. I'll get the first coffee. :)

  4. stunning and sad. I think you need to squeeze out every minute you can but still embrace life. i dont know what to say except 'possibility of a break through" nowhere near as much a cliche to make people feel better anymore. With your luck theyll accidentally cure it developing an anti bladness remedy or way to grow new teeth. best of luck, you know where to reach me. here for ya bro

  5. Derek and I are here for you. I am here for you. You are like family to me now, and you need to learn to ask for help when you need it. Love you!!

  6. What would I do and how would I feel? It's just so hard to imagine... In any case, I'll be one of the positive people you can spend time with okay? xoxo

  7. I am amazed by your positivity and think that the positive people you let into your life will be lucky to share some of your very precious time with you! I hope you will let people take care of you even though that is hard to do because you ARE worthy of it!

  8. Hoo boy. Shitty news, yet I guess there's some relief in knowing better how long you might have, rather than just guessing. And yay to the end of the unpleasant therapy.