Sunday, May 23, 2010
Fumbling in the darkness we have trouble navigating around things that are familiar to us, stubbing our emotional toes, tripping over personal detritus all the while we seek light, answers to our lives that will guide us forward.
I have been trapped in this darkness for a while now, stumbling, bumping into some things repeatedly injuring my soul and heart along the way. Can I still summon my "Inner Owl" which allows me to see in my darkness? I get moments of my inner owl showing me clear paths to light, but only if I accept his brutal honesty. My medical situation mixed with my crazy has left me in a pretty dark space. A space of which I share little, leaving small emotional bread crumbs so as people who care about me can see my outline but not stand next to be in my darkness.
I am a frightened and hurt little boy, I hide my fear through my humor, and by keeping people away. I do not want to have people watch me die, as part of me feels that I do not deserve the love of others and part of it is a selfish hurt animal response to being in pain, to hide away. To give myself clearer vision in the dark I must admit my deep sadness, loneliness and almost pathologic drive not to let people in
Even right now I am thinking of my escape by moving someplace where I know no one and living out what is left of my life alone, with no connections, no closeness, so I can no longer cause pain in others lives. This inner fight is a product of many things in my personality, my being an only child. Which has given be some protection from loneliness, to my on and off battle with low self esteem. I love people but most of the time do not like myself and today is one of those days.
So as my inner owl says there is light in love and openness my dark self who lives in my minds shadows says just run and isolate as that will stop your pain, because it has in the past. I miss "ME" a lot and fear he is gone forever and no owl anywhere can see light in my kind of darkness. Anyone have a flashlight?