Friday, November 12, 2010
The recent downturn in my physical health is beginning to have a emotional toll on me as well. On Wends. my pain came to a crescendo, which had me going to emerg again. This time they wanted to operate to relieve some of my pain, and that was good because I am reaching the end of my pain rope. For over a week I have been basically bed bound, unable to walk, stand or do anything, simply a prisoner of my mattress.
I was admitted to hospital only to find out in the morning that they could not do the surgery because the hospital was understaffed. I was heartbroken, and left to go home with a fist full of stronger pain meds and the mattress of solitude. I am a strong guy stronger than probably most people think. I have battled a lot of crap in my life and although I have been beaten up I walked out the other side. I will do this again, there is little doubt of it.
Here is the big "But", I am exhausted, isolated, in pain and stuck in this damn apt. I am also finding that my depression is increasing with my pain, my minds ability to fight off this situation is growing increasingly difficult. Depression feeds on misery, face it misery is like potato chips for depression, it can't have just one and chooses to feed till the bag is empty. I am not going down my rabbit hole but I am peeking into it. I will get through this, but right now it really fucking sucks.
I am on stronger meds so my while it reduces my pain, it increases my zombieness. It is I guess the price I have to pay right now for less physical pain, and I have hope that my psych meds will help with my emotional pain. Maybe soon I will have a truce with the mattress of solitude, until then I have sleep, cable TV and the internet.