Tuesday, November 16, 2010
I woke up this morning expecting to be writing about my back surgery. But I am not, after waiting all morning in the admissions area of VGH, and not eating and drinking for 12 hours, they once again bumped my surgery.
I am done, I guess the pain which has left me either unable to walk, stand or sit for more than 10 minutes is not enough for them, They keep telling me not to worry but my big surgery is still going to happen after New Years. I am saying FUCK YOU. I am in agony, and have been for all reason bed bound for 2 weeks. I have been once again told to go back to my bed and suffer some more.
Pain alone is a horrible thing, it demoralizes ths best of us. But I am also prone to depression. Depression enjoys pain and uses it to further degrades it's victims and I am degraded, and my depression is worse than usual, I feel abandoned by the healthcare system. I feel like crawling away and never coming back. I feel worthless, because if I was worth something I would get care and not live in pain,
Maybe the pain is karma from the shitty things I have done, maybe I deserve to suffer so. What I do know is that I am very very angry and disappointed and want to curl up and die, because then I would be pain free. But I want to live so there is the rub. Maybe I will just stop moaning online and leave everyone alone. I know you are all tired of my bitching.