"My Inner Owl Vs. My Darkness"

 Fumbling in the darkness we have trouble navigating around things that are familiar to us, stubbing our emotional toes, tripping over personal detritus all the while we seek light, answers to our lives that will guide us forward.

 I have been trapped in this darkness for a while now, stumbling, bumping into some things repeatedly injuring my soul and heart along the way. Can I still summon my "Inner Owl" which allows me to see in my darkness? I get moments of my inner owl showing me clear paths to light, but only if I accept his brutal honesty. My medical situation mixed with my crazy has left me in a pretty dark space. A space of which I share little, leaving small emotional bread crumbs so as people who care about me can see my outline but not stand next to be in my  darkness.

 I am a frightened and hurt little boy, I hide my fear through my humor, and by keeping people away. I do not want to have people watch me die, as part of me feels that I do not deserve the love of others and part of it is a selfish hurt animal response to being in pain, to hide away. To give myself clearer vision in the dark I must admit my deep sadness, loneliness and almost pathologic drive not to let people in

 Even right now I am thinking of my escape by moving someplace where I know no one and living out what is left of my life alone, with no connections, no closeness, so I can no longer cause pain in others lives. This inner fight is a product of many things in my personality, my being an only child. Which has given be some protection from loneliness, to my on and off battle with low self esteem. I love people but most of the time do not like myself and today is one of those days.

 So as my inner owl says there is light in love and openness my dark self who lives in my minds shadows says just run and isolate as that will stop your pain, because it has in the past. I miss "ME" a lot and fear he is gone forever and no owl anywhere can see light in my kind of darkness. Anyone have a flashlight?

"An Open Letter to Cancer"

Dear Asshat Cancer,

 Why have you grown attached to me? Is it my eyes? I doubt it but you do like me i know. How do I know? Because you will not leave me alone, you think my life is your playground.

 First time i met you, was when you visited my wife, you like us so much you came to dinner twice and decided to take the one thing in life I loved J.J. You stole her from me in her prime a bright kind amazing women who never lost faith in life, me or kindness. You ripped her away from the earth with no remorse and left me to wonder if i could ever love again. You scarred my soul. You are a shitty house guest.

 Then you decided to visit my Mum yes she was 81 and had a wonderful life, yes you took her quickly like a thief in the night, so quickly you denied me a moment to say good bye to her, the woman who always loved and supported me. The last women to whom I was a hero. You fucker.

 That was not enough was it, no you set your dark cold eyes on me this time. But you waited til I was happy and content in my life, til I was ready to love and be loved again. You waited til i believed and had a heart again. Then you knocked on my door like the fuller brush man of sorrow.
 Now you fuck with me... ok , i get that. but you also fuck with people who care about me. You make them fear getting close to me, you make them worry, you sick soulless fucker. Once again you are trying to deny me joy & love. You attempt to make me hard, to crawl back into my loneliness and isolation. I can deal with the pain and fear for you taught me to be strong against that sword you wheel, but I hate being sad, lonely, I hate that you make me feel unlovable, ugly and worthless.

 I will beat you, because I must, because you will not get me, make me dust, steal my soul before it is time. My desire to love again is too strong for you, my joy of life depletes your power, my inner strength is a shield against your hate. So go now, your not welcome around my house anymore. I will not give you power. You are a asshole who no one likes. So FUCK YOU for hurting the ones I love & care about. Good Riddance............................