"The Badger is Mental" " Home is Where You Hang Your Straight Jacket"

 I little over a month ago I was sitting where I am right now on my bed, but what is different now then a month ago is I no longer wish to jump out my window. The depressive side of my Bipolar disorder was on a field trip of which I did not sign the permission slip. Mental Illness for so many is a subject that you do not speak openly about never mind in such a public forum as the internets or twitters. It is usually a secret kept by families and close friends or whispered about at Thanksgiving dinner.

  I have pretty much been open and out about my trials battling this, but not always. I have been out to friends and family, co-workers for years, but I never would have imagined where I would go with it publicly like I have. In the past month I have blogged from the Psych Unit at Burnaby General Hospital, spoken at Vancouver mental Health Camp, Discussed E.C.T. to anyone who would listen and a lot who would not. I am not fully healed yet but I am on the road, partially because I have been so open.

 At times I have been called flippant, in my humor and been accused of not taking Mental  Health Seriously. Again for years the world has for the most part put people living with mental health issues into narrow boxes, portrayed as, dangerous, or worse less than. I have tried to use humor sometimes in bad taste to document my journey from the edge to somewhere near baseline. I hoped that doing so would make my story easier to swallow for some, more human and less clinical to others. A lot of us IMHO have at some point had or will have contact personally with someone who is living with Mental Illness and humor can break down walls and stigma, it is who I am and I will not stop. I may not be who or what some folks see as a healthy voice for stigma and Mental Health, but it is who I am and most likely will not  change. I will still speak out, still us off colour humor and will still be me, love me or hate me that is that.

 Now I need to take a moment to thank some of the people who in this  past month saved me spiritually, mentally and physically. I may not have remembered all of you but I will thank you in person. The selfless manner in which people I know well and those I barely know have come to my side has been remarkable, from simple emails, texts, comments, tweets to literally coming and physically stopping me from making big mistakes in judgement. I am forever changed by this outpouring of true Love and Compassion. Here are just a few of the wondrous selfless souls whom I cannot ever repay;

First of all "The Millers" Derek & Airdrie who showed me what being unselfish is all about. And not just them
                  Their lovely daughters who also welcomed me into their home and made me smile.
                  Also in the same family Derek your parents are the best always making me feel like more than just
                  your friend.
                 Stacey Robinsmith whom I barely know yet came to my aide when i needed most.
                 John Mcteague , You are my dear friend and confidant and proof that "Concerts" folks always
                  look out for each  other.
                  Corinna & Adam Carlson, While fighting your own battles you always had time for me.
                  Kimli Welch , Your humor and deep kindness made me smile when I could not on my own.
                 Monica Hamburg & Chris Lemay. again two more genuine people I can barely say.
                  Cathrine Winters, Thank you for looking out for me, and sending help my way when I needed it.
                  Stephanie Cameron You my dear also may have saved me from myself on a very dark day, I will
                  never forget you for it.
                  Anthony Whitrock you sir are a gentleman's gentleman and anyone would be lucky to call you a        friend  .

                  Raul & Isabella both of you trusted me to speak at mental health camp and provided solace when |                 I needed it. You were caring and professional seeing past some controversy surrounding me and understood   that my voice was important to me and maybe i hope others.

                   To Val & Val, two great  ladies who live in my building and I am honored to call friends.

                   I could go on forever here because there are so many of you. I will take the time in the next few days to thank you all personally, just know you all made a difference in this badgers life.        

Badger Gone Mental "The Not So Mental Badger"

 On Monday I will be having my final E.C.T. treatment and will most likely be discharged. So what does this all mean to me? How do I feel? Will I miss the piss proof pillow? These and more questions beg to be answered, to me anyway.  I have been here in "Happy Acres" for a month now, not a easy place to be for anyone. Hospital for all it's best laid plans of being a stress reducer, can be stressful, even though I have still not seen any Jello.

  Now I wonder whats next for me. I am still filled with doubt, and fear. I am not fully recovered yet, my mind is still teeming with my depression and anxiety, albeit nowhere near as severe as when I arrived here. Some of the things that dog me are, "what is my purpose now?", "Can I be whole again or am  I now damaged goods?" I need to find a direction again in my life, some focus. I may now work to assist Mental Health, agencies, groups and providers to access and use social media.

  I know a few things for sure, I could not have gotten through this without the remarkable, love, compassion, friendship of so many people and I hope they will still allow me to lean on them for emotional support while I continue to heal and get my "Sane" legs back.  Very few people who leave a psych inpatient unit is fully well when they leave. We are just past the crisis stage of our illness and there is more work to do. Both with my medical doctors, and my therapist.

 My journey is still ongoing, this is a new yet revisited chapter, in my life long battle with Mental Illness. I still have a weekend and a couple of days left here and more stories about my life.

"The Badger's Billing Cycle Has Passed if I was a Mobile Phone Comp."

Today I have been in hospital for a month, so it seems my billing cycle is up and will now charge the Nurses roaming fees for when they are at lunch or gossiping and not attending to the badgers many needs. Their unlimited data plan is over as it was introductory and now I will charge them anything over 500mb of data, this includes but not limited to;

• "How are We feeling today comments"
• The 900th time they walk by my room screaming breakfast like some medical Paul Revere.
• Why are you not married?
• "Why do you read so much and not come out and play cards?

If they want to upgrade to new Patient they must first give me a private room, daily foot rubs, and access to a mini bar. 

 Seriously it has been a month and I am beginning to see light at the end of the tunnel, lets hope it is not a train or a midget with a flashlight. I have had 4 E.C.T. treatments without major side effects, and my mood has increased around 45% I am turning the corner. I will need maybe 4-5 more treatments and should be out at the end of next week or mid-week the following.

 I need to take a second to thank everyone who has supported me through this process in my life, and most of you barely know me yet have shown me such kindness and humanity. I will personally thank all of you when I am out, the list is long, very long. Thank you as well to everyone whom I do not know who reads my blog or follows me on Twitter. I am also moved by your words of encouragement. 

E.C.T. Part Duex "Shock The Badger"

 Hello again folks, did yah miss me? I am back still in hospital but back blogging all the same. As you may or may not know I have been waiting for E.C.T. (Electro Convulsive Therapy) for a couple of weeks now. It seems that it has been booked solid. It is easier to get into a New York City hot spot on a Saturday night wearing flip flops, a I Love NY tee-shirt and mesh shorts than to get ECT here in Vancouver.

  So this made me think, and you know it is dangerous when I think. back to my thought now. If ECT is so booked up how come you never hear about it or know someone who has had it? You would think someone would talk? Right? Well in my opinion there are two reasons why you never hear about it and the big one is once again "Stigma", yes the word of the month and rightfully so. You can go to a party, event gathering and hear people talk about i took Zoloft, or my wife takes Prozac. I have overheard many a conversation on the manic need for carbs from Seroquil. But you never hear, "Hey I just finished a course of ECT now I am going to Disneyland like some bad Pharma Advert.
 It is because ECT carries a stigma, not only the horrific media stigma like from film, but also the stigma that it is used for the worst of the worst. The most dangerous mental health patients. These myths and urban ledgends keep darkness and silence on the fact that ECT is a common and widely used treatment for, Depression, Mania, and Parkinsons, yup folk even Parkinsons. People who get it are afraid others will judge them for it, like employers who would not bat an eye if you took Prozac but get a little electricity and bamm you are unclean and untouchable.  So we keep quiet, but not me figures. And if you look on the googles it is full of modern horrific tales of ECT gone bad and little positive. The net loves bad stories and maybe people who have good experiences just go on with their lives without feeling the need to youtube their asses off.

 There is also the Pharma industry they have a profit motive for not talking about ECT they sell drugs, lots of them. And in a lot of cases ECT lowers the amount of drugs you must take. So they do not like that they want to sell more drugs. I am not saying Pharma is bad, a lot of people are alive because of Big Pharma friends, family and myself included. What I am saying is ECT is kept quiet a dirty little secret.

 So if someone starts talking about depression or meds at a event or party tell them you know someone who had ECT and i worked great for them and it is not cruel, does not lobotomize you or make you vote Republican . It is another tool in managing mental health, and you can think of it as a kinda natural way, no chemicals, like the "Whole Foods" vegan form of Mental Health Care. Seriously though lets help reduce stigma everywhere in Mental Health and not just on the topics and treatments we like.

Day 15 Of The Badger Goes Mental " Two Week Still No Jello"

 It has been two weeks that the intrepid Badger has been on the Psych ward. Whilst all of you have been laying over night in your own moisture I am comfy on my plastic piss proof mattress in air conditioned bliss. Sure I am in a bowl of fruit loops but since I am one of them it is ok.

 My depression is still fucking with me as I have yet to get a date on starting my ECT as they are booked up, it seems ECT is trending here in Burnaby. I also cannot do out patient as my neck is  too large and I could have problems breathing so I have to be in a recovery room to have my brain tickled. it seems that I am a fat badger  I have also still only had two smokes since Monday a feat that is only out done by putting a man on the Moon and the success of American Idol.

 Sometimes when you are in hospital all you can focus on is "You" makes  sense right? well this frustration is not seen by the staff who have 100s of things to worry about. So my anger get up. I want to give up on treatment and go home to wallow. I just met with a internist who said, "You do not look like someone who is depressed and needs ECT" He cannot see my mind or maybe does not understand that for moments I can be happish only to retreat to my depression moments later.

Day 3 O'Badger Goes Mental "The Great Escape & Nut House Socializing How To"

 Day 3 of my madness odyssey brings "The Great Escape of  The Badger" brought to you by Derrek and Airdrie  Miller. I received a day pass today and thanks to the Millers I actually had good food not gruel meant to be eaten by octogenarians with bad dental work. We went for Pho which is right in my comfort zone food wise it is the Vietnamese version of Jewish Matzo Ball Soup if you added tripe, beef tendons and beef. The Crazy ass Badger was kinda happy and rejoiced after with some supervised retail therapy. A ill Bipolar should never shop alone. Need proof I once bought two Mercedes S class cars at one time and on another fruit loop adventure when my wife was away on a work assignment sold all our furniture and bought new furniture dropping 60K ion one afternoon. Today I got a new pair of Keen Sandals and some Old Navy disposable clothing. I also bought flip flops for our Troops in Afghan for 6 bucks.
 My friend Airdrie was worried about my impending ECT treatments and watched a educational dvd on it at the hospital. It shows how bad film and media portray ECT compared to the actual treatment itself.

  On now to make friends and socialize on the ward. It is can be an odd experience for many reason of which  I will now list in convenient bulleted points ;

• Stigma: yup stigma fighting off your own personal stigma of others illness is not easy sometime especially when you are locked up with other ill people, some of which are douche bags and or white trash. But I  try to remember that they are ill too and suffering no matter how many Ed Hardy shirts you  wear. I can have compassion for another's illness but have a hard time with their trashiness.
• Manics Vs Depressives: pick your social poison but I prefer the depressives to socialize with they are less likely to annoy me. Even when I am full on manic I prefer the depressed and the other manics compete for my crazy limelight.
• Cigarettes: You will be asked for smokes all the time. Some people are too poor or have no family and hanging with other puffer fish is a shared bond. But do not keep giving smokes or you will develop a extra conjoined twin in the form of a mentally ill person and it is bad enough living with just yours.

These are just the basics and I will add to them as my trip here continues. As for my mood it is up and down I am fighting both mania and depression which sucks. and speaking of sucking have I mentioned the plastic piss proof pillows and my fruit hoarding roomie who is also afraid of the dark and keeps his night on all night? I am truly hit the roomie lottery. Tomorrow is Sunday and I do not think I will have any visitors. My plan is to avoid all Jello or Jello products, finish reading a book, bark at some squirrels, expound on the art of Tin Foil Hat making and possibly lick the door knob in my room because my roomie is afraid of germs. Again thank you all for your support and for reading may daily posts. I hope you enjoy them as much as I do writing them. Now to sign off from S.S. Nut Bar and will say ado! 

Day 2 of Badger Gone Mental, "Dance That Crazy Ass Dance"

 As Day 2 comes to a close, yes I am still bat shit nuts but there is some idea of the itinerary on my trip to madnessville. First stop I am no longer committed I am now Volunteer, which in crazy speak means that I am allowed to wander around outside when I want and if I do not return the police will not seek to speak with me.

 Here at Burnaby General there are Levels of freedom given to patients based on the risk of self harm. they are;

• Level 1 : You are dressed head to toe in the classic fashion of the Bonkers, a gown in a lovely shade of light blue ( assless if you are daring and you double up if you are shy), hospital socks and you cannot leave the ward for nothing, not even if you are talking to Jesus which I think a couple of folks are, so I asked them to put in a good word for me. I can use all the help I can get.
• Level 2 : no more sexy blue robes you can wear your own clothes but you still cannot go out and wander the grounds.
• Level 3: You are free to wander the grounds for a hour, go for a smoke buy Tim bits at the Tim Hortons in the cafe.
• Level 4: You can go out all day anywhere you wish but you have to return at night for dreams on your piss proof pillow.
• Level 5:  Over night passes, which can be lots of trouble or fun depending on how sick you are and creative as well.

I have gone right from Level 2 to Level 4 I way always a over achiever now I can go to metrotown and wander around like a octogenarian if I like.

   I will be beginning my ECT tune up on Monday so lets hope I do not forget any of you or my website passwords especially for that midget porn site.  My roommate has severe OCD but is a slob huh that is a new one for me and if you read my tweets from earlier you know  his mum looks like Cher after 6 month binge on Meth. He also bought around 20 pounds of fruit today, I hope he eats it all or our room will be like a fruit fly version of free buffet at a blogger convention.

  My mood still sucks and I still feel helpless, hopeless and crappy, I know and hope it will be changing after monday's plug into the electric grid. Still no Jello thank god lunch was a hospital version of Mac & Cheese, and was actually pretty damn good, I could have done without the turnips, fuck this place loves turnips.

 I ventured into Arts & Crafts today which is so stereo typically psych ward ironic it is almost a hipster activity. I made a plaque for some friends. If you have any requests I can make you a dream catcher or maybe colour you a picture with crayons.

 This place is not all that horrible, it is clean, we are treated with respect and if you need help it can safe or change your life. My writing these daily blurbs about my stay are to breakdown stigma. If you have any questions leave them on my blog, and I will answer them for you. 

"The Badger Goes Mental" or "There Will Be Jello" Day 1 in Hospital

Hello everyone, some of you already know that last night I checked myself into hospital for depression associated with my Bipolar Disorder. The choice to seek help when sick is never an easy or flipant one. it comes with a bucketful of fear, shame, anixty and my hatred of Jello or any Jello based food stuffs.

  I am a very self aware person in regards to my illness and I knew it was the right time to seek some help. I am also blessed to have friends who support me and care for me without judgement and that too makes this much easier to deal with. I really need to thank Airdrie and Derek for all their support and to Airdrie for driving me to hospital and tonight for bringing me bacon cheeseburger therapy. Good friends are to be cherished and they are greatly appreciated.

 I will try and blog every day from here in Holiday Inn for Nuts in order to share and shine light on what a mental health hospital stay is like. So here we go with day one's breakdown;

  I spent the night on a stretcher in the Emerg because there was no room in the Inn for the loopy badger, and was blessed with robes of blue cotton assless gowns and socks with rubber nubs on them. I also recived my hospital jewelery two lovely bracelets. I told my story to no less than 6 different people so much so that I was beginning to feel like "RainMan". The gave me some nice sedatives as I have not been sleeping much of late and I passed out to a family argument over laxatives in Italian.

 This morning I was moved to the IPU ( Inpatient Psych Unit) and settled in my little bed with it's delightful plastic piss proof pillow, eat your hearts out Four Seasons. The food is a kind of gruel so far and no salt or pepper |I may need to sneak in some hot sauce. I had my first visit with my Dr. who ladies and some men would find quiet attractive and went over out plans for my stay at "Spa Du Kookoo".

 Burnaby General in my opinion has the best Mental Health Care around they make you part of the conversation about your care which is so very important and here is a brief breakdown;

• Meds will not change, but I will be taking sedatives to help me sleep and deal with anxiety.
• I will be getting some maintenance ECT (Electro Convulsive Therapy) you can read about my previous ECT experience here. 
• I am currently commited but still am allowed to leave the ward to wander, smoke and blog
• My roommates mum looks like a meth head Cher.
• It seems there was a douchebag special on beds as we have alot of young douchey ed hardy types.
• One spot smells like pee and it is near the food, ewww
• I will probably be here for 3 weeks or so but will get to stay at home some nights

 I am hoping to blog everyday and hope it to be insightful, funny and honest. Thank you everyone for all your suppport it makes this experience so much easier to handle. You can also visit me if you like I am at Burnaby General Hospital in the booby hatchery.

"E.C.T. From Myths to My Reality" My personal journey with Mental Illness

pic courtesy of  msnbc.msn.com

As many of you know I have spent a life battling Mental Illness in the form of BiPolar Disorder a mood disorder characterized by extreme highs and extreme depression. After years of struggling and taking so many pills and combinations of pills to treat it seemed that I could not find a good balance between health and having any personality that was non-medicated I reached a turning point.
  Over a year ago I once again slipped into the black shroud of major depression, a depression that became or always was resistant to medications. I was in a hopeless place not wanting to live, yet unwilling to give up I sought out help. One of the benefits of my life long battle is that I am self aware of my illness, especially when I am depressed, so I went to hospital on my request and with the guidance of my Dr..
 Soon I feared the same medication merry go round which would only offer me temporary refuge from mind.......

 E.C.T. ( Electroconvulsive Therapy ) which was first introduced in the 1930s and became used widespread in the 50's is a treatment in which they use electricity passed through the brain to induce a seizure. Even from the beginnings it was apparent that ECT worked quicker, longer and more effeciently than medication for treating resistant or severe depression and bipolar disorder.
 But in the early days of ECT like very early surgery they did not use anesthesia the patient was awake, it was painful and caused severe memory loss.  Most of us connect ECT with Jack Nicholson's character in "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest" a scene of barbaric torture ending in a mercy killing. In 1978 after much controversy ECT was for the most part stopped.
 In recent years ECT has made a comeback, now done in a operating room under anesthesia ECT is now seen as a good treatment for resistant depression.

  This brings me again to the beginning of my post. I am in hospital with a unyielding depression. The Dr. in the hospital during a meeting with me brought up ECT. My head spun and out of my mouth came, "No FUCKING way are you shocking my brain!" This Dr. whom I now can say saved my life both physically and in a amazing quality of life kind of way explained how modern ECT worked.
 He asked me to watch a video that showed the treatment. He explained the possible side effects, like short term memory loss. He also informed me of the difference between bi-lateral and uni-lateral ECT.

Bi-Lateral ECT: electrodes are placed on both sides of the head and the electric
                         charge is sent across the brain. this type of ECT causes the most
                         memory loss.
Unilateral ECT: One electrode is placed on the side of your head and the other
                         on top of your head. Much less or no memory loss.

  I spent two days stressing over my decision, do I risk loosing  memories or worse, my mind was reeling at thoughts of being the BC Provincial vegetable. But i knew what my other option was. Meds lots of meds and the fear that soon I would be back where I was at the moment, wearing a set of green hospital PJs and paper slippers.

 I agreed to ECT, was I scared? Hell yes for the days leading up to my first treatment I was crazed with images of me sitting forever in a corner drooling only speaking of cheese and not knowing who I was. The night before my first ECT i could not sleep, afraid I would die or worse loose who I was. Morning arrived, and they took me to the recovery room of the hospital, placing me on a stretcher they put in a IV line, the Dr. but jelly on my temple and the top of my head and i met the Anesthesiologist. He explained that they would be injecting a strong muscle relaxer so my body would not move when they induced a seizure and a general to put me to sleep. Soon I felt the warm fuzz of the meds and I was out cold.
 I woke up in what to me seemed like minutes but was really 5 to 6 minutes of being under. Surprised that I felt no pain, knew who I was and what i talked about with the nurse before ECT i was relieved.

 They scheduled me for 9 treatments over a couple of weeks. It was around the third ECT treatment that I began to notice a difference in my mood. I was able to smile a bit again and the thoughts of dying left me. By the end of my 9 course meal of electricity by depression was gone, I suffered no memory loss and i felt great. My meds were reduced to a third of what I was on prior and to this day I have not had a depression or mania relapse.

 ECT is still a controversial treatment, surrounded by fear and for some people i know memory side effects. What I do know is that it worked for me and my quality of life since has been great. I do not think without it I could be going through what I am in my life at the moment without sinking back into depression. I am grateful for my care I received in a involved, collaborative respectful manner by my healthcare professionals.

 Mental Health carries a stigma, people are scared or just do not understand it. I write about it to share with others that living with it can be ok. That it is like any other chronic illness and just needs light and compassion shined on it. If you do suffer from depression or know someone who does seek help because it is there. Also be open to treatment options. Yes ECT may not be for everyone but it is another tool in the battle to regain life in the darkness of depression and bipolar disorder.