"August 16th 1990, 20 Years Minus 6 = Emotional Mathematics"

 On August 16th 1990 I was in Sarajevo covering the breakup and building tensions in Yugoslavia which would lead to a vicious ethnic war and mass genocide. But on that day in what was a beautiful city my life changed forever. Not by bomb, or illness or money, it was changed by love. This was the day that I had my first date with the amazing woman who would become Mrs. Badger.

  I had met J.J. before, and I always had a crush on her, she was a funny, smart, beautiful photographer. I had previously tried to chat her up at the smarmy journalists bar in the Holiday Inn Sarajevo  and she was having no part of me. As her friends were telling me and I quote, " JJ thinks you are a Crazy Little Boy, who had a better  chance of getting pregnant than a date with her" But my heart would not give up. I came up with an idea, that was hatched while drinking with some other cameramen of questionable moral providence. I would show her I was a professional and would write  her a "Relationship Resume"!! fueled with a locally made moonshine and bad Baltic weed  I wrote my resume, complete history of my relationships with references.

  I bribed JJ's Best friend and personal firewall that I would never talk to or attempt to again only if she delivered said document and that JJ would agree to a 1 hour date.  The firewall agreed and soon JJ came by the bar and announced that I would get a 1 hour window to prove I was not just a less hairy ape.
That one hour turned into a 8 hour date, the next day JJ moved into my room and that was the beginning of how I learned to Love & be Loved.

  Today if J.J. was still alive we would have been together for 20 years and probably would have been. Our relationship was not perfect non are. But we saw past our emotional, social, interpersonal quirks because we were best friends, JJ was the first time I experienced unconditional Love outside of my Parents & Grandparents.  A lot of our friends saw us as a perfect couple, maybe because we always respected each other and enjoyed every moment we were together. But we were not perfect,  I as we know have lots of issues, and so did she. We did fight but never in public, we did not moan to friends about each other unless it was child like kidding. When we did fight and we fought a lot, it never got personal or ugly and we never went to bed angry we would stay up all night and find a solution if that is what it took. As sappy as that sounds it really works. when you go to bed angry it ferments, and evolves into something else and that is never pretty.

  These are some the things that J.J. gave me as a person and that left me a much better person than I was when I met her. She taught me to be able to be Loved, a skill I am still working on. JJ always trusted me emotionally even when I was emotionally not well. I learned from her that being silly when things look the darkest is good medicine. I learned there is dignity in accepting who you are. The best gift that I was given was that I am at my core good, kind and have the capacity to Love and Respect back and that I do not have to be perfect in doing it, if I am truly Loved back.

Here is the Math! God and I hate math............

Days we would have been together : 7305 pretty scary number
Days I have still lived after she was gone: 2191


 The second number is more important to me right now, I have come along way since then, seen many things met many friends, and all I have seen, and all I have met have been the direct benefit  of Jennifer June's impact on my life. Do I miss her? Yes of course I do today, on our wedding anniversary, her birthday, her day of passing and ground hog day are the worst on me emotionally. I get through them knowing I was lucky to have 14 years with my best friend and that is not a little thing, not many people can say that at my age. Wherever you are June Bug I hope no one else has written you a Resume........................................

" Easy to Hate Not Easy To Love 28 Years of Being Nuts Around People"

When I was 16 I was finally diagnosed Bipolar, and by all accounts and familial witness statements it was about time. My crazy coming out was not some cryptic Zapruder film like moment replayed over and over again by my loved ones and family. It was a wildly known fact.

   I was and still am not easy to Love for most and I am still easy to hate for some but not all. I am sure a lot of people can say that, hell no one is perfect or everyones friend, that is just too creepy to imagine just look and Tony Robbins and you will understand. But I come with a list of optional emotional accessories that would put a new car dealer to shame. Piggybacking on my illness are a whole host of psycho-social issues that makes being close to me at times difficult. I am also very outspoken a gift I received at age 17 from my grandfather once I found my voice and my shyness ebbed away.

 By behavior has left a wake of emotional detritus behind me and I have burned bridges, almost exclusively personal bridges, maybe because my profession tended to attract folks like me and they can tolerate a lot of shit. I am not mean, despite the tenor of my posts, tweets and conversations. I get that a lot and I can be very polarizing, which I am very aware of and a lot of you know. But I am actually sweet, for those who get to know me. But there is the rub, I do not let many people in, I let you in the yard, on the porch but in the house that I am not so good at (See Fear of Abandonment).

  So who the fuck likes me? I was lucky to be married to a wonderful woman over a decade. She hated me too at first when she did not know me and only agreed to a date to get me out of her hair. She was an amazing woman, with a huge capacity to Love, Forgive, Tolerate and most of all a sense of humor. She let me love her first, that was one of the keys, because only then did I open my front door and let her off the porch. I am good at relationships not starting them for that very reason. I am emotionally guarded, it comes from my illness, mixed with social developmental speed bumps etc but what really matters is that I keep people away. Mrs Badger would not take that crap and firmly yet patiently coaxed me open. I did some really fucked uop shit when she was alive and she still Loved me warts and all. I always wondered how anyone could love me, I am a fucked up mess. She did, in some way I gave her something that no one else did, and all my crap was worth it, I was never abusive, I did not yell, and I still do not. I always respected her and laughed at her bad jokes. Still it was not easy, when you are away on a biz trip and you come home to find out that your husband sold all the furniture and then bought all new stuff in a manic Martha Stewart moment you have to take a second to question your relationship decisions. Still she and others stood by me and still do. I am lucky to have some long standing friendships because I am not a easy friend.

    Today in some kind of way I protect others and myself by not letting them off the porch it is by no means altruistic. I dont do anything really stupid and you are my friend my porch friend. All this changed when Mrs. Badger died. My porch got smaller my yard larger and weirder. \

 For almost 6 years now I have been in a self induced emotional exile, fearful that no one would love me, or want to be around me for more than a short while. This has added to my aura of polarization. And it is not easy to change. I am working on this very hard. it is not easy or right now natural for me, but I am working on it. My yard is getting smaller, cleared of debris and some of you are coming inside already.

 I am making new friends and this is trust me on this scary as shit, scarier than anything I have ever done before and I have done and been some scary ass places the least of which is in my own head. So to the people getting to know me and who want to get to know me better. Be patient, gentle, have a sense of humor, and I hope that you will find in me as a friend what others who have known me for years have found. I am not sure what that is, but it works for my wife and others and maybe I can add something to your lives that makes it a little better.

 loving someone is never blind, it is just love. loving someone living with a mental illness is not easy but for some worth the trip. It may not be me, but it could be someone else. This post was one of the hardest I have written as to admit you are easy to like sucks. But the time was right. I hope you all can open your doors and let those screaming people off your porch the noise is driving me nuts.......................

"Life's Baggage Carousel"

  As adults we all have acquired a collection of emotional baggage of all sizes, shapes and colours. It is inevitable that in our individual and collective journeys of life each time we are harmed, perceived we are harmed that we add to our emotional baggage carousel. Having a luggage collection is not always a bad thing. Our life's experiences help develop who we are, our personalities, likes, dislikes our creativity. 

 It is how we manage our emotional luggage that  tends to be the issue for most of us. Whether our bags have wheels, carry straps, or is it a steamer trunk, effects how we maneuver in our lives. Some of us over pack a small bag, stuffing so much emotional detritus into it so it spills out on the ground and on everyone around us, open and exposed. This being so easy to carry we can navigate our personal terminal easy but we leave our crap everywhere becoming emotional litterers. Some of us ,have a huge hardsided suitcase, filled with lots of our stuff, some of it dirty, stinky laundry . Sure it is easy to move around, and looks pretty good. But it's hard sides are a wall that hides who we are. It protects our emotions, not allowing others to see who and what we are, a shield to letting other know us. They see the bag and they know it has stuff in it but cannot see in it. Others still have a huge steamer trunk with just a couple items in it, banging around in big space. We expect to fill it someday because, "well I just may need it based on the fact that I already have something in it". This trunk is hard to carry not because it is full, but because we expect it to be full someday. The emotional steamer trunk says, "Just stay away", as I have been hurt and expect to be hurt again based on the few items in my big box.

 In life we sit at the life's airport baggage carousel waiting to see our bags arrive so we can continue our trip self exploration. But when we choose the wrong bag to carry our crap in, we dread claiming it, only removing it from the moving belt out of fear, that the management of our bags will make our trip unpleasant. My emotional travel advice, well simple, get a manageable bag, maybe a backpack. Choose the items we need to take with us. The things that make us function , interesting, real people. Leave that extra crap at home. Allow your bags to enhance your experience not weigh it down or scare the shit out of you, others and small animals.. So enjoy your trip, take some pictures, meet some new people, collect your memories, all of them good and bad. And soon emotional travel will not be a burden but an adventure again...

"Let Me Touch You For Awhile"

  The touch of a human is in my opinion one of the greatest gifts on earth. It bridges our humanity in ways that cannot be imitated, or replaced. I was lucky to be raised in a way that touching people was not only ok, but encouraged, hugs for the sake of hugs are common in my world.

 I need a tactile connection with people it is like air to me, it makes me feel safe, loved, and connected. It reminds me of human kindness and it feel really damn good. Some people seem to not need or like touch, for what ever reason and some I understand and others i do not, but people who do not or cannot show affection thru touch kinda creep me out i do not feel emotionally safe with them.

 The degrees and type of touch vary, from compassion, friendship to romantic and erotic and they all mean much to me;

 The touch of a friend that warm hospitality of a hug or the encouraging pat on the back or shoulder is like a shield that keeps loneliness at bay. It reminds us of being part of a bigger thing, allows us to be open to seek joy in the company of others.

 The touch of compassion, this simple act which when we are low or in pain is healing, compassionate touch is selfless as selfless can get..I am lucky and a better man because of receiving and giving this physical sign of caring.

The Touch of Romance, we all love this or I would like to think we all do. The gentle touch of a lower back, holding and grasping hands in such a way you would think if let go the world would disapear. A hand on my cheek will make me melt, it takes me to a place that I feel sexy, desired, and I know at that moment I am all that matters, nothing else exists at that moment, and when combined with a kiss is the best thing in the world.

The Erotic Touch, that smooth exploration of another's body hands fingers wandering, feeling the response of your lover and focusing on them, as you respond to their touch in kind. This energy is incredible, it creates a connection, intimacy, and passion.

Do not over look the real importance of touch in your life, allow it to remind you that you are loved, let it carry you when you cannot carry yourself, invite it show you passion, connection and your inner sexiness. Breath in the people in your life so go hug someone, touch someone's hand.. Kiss your lover, partner, or someone you always wanted to kiss. Feel the connection to humanity that only the touch of someone can bring.

"This Mans View of the Laws of Attraction"

 I know what you are saying, "Moose men do not write about such things", but I am not if you haven't figured out yet a typical man by any stretch of ones imagination.
Attraction is elusive, hard to define, as varied as the colours of sunsets around the globe. Still we all seek to rope it in define it tame it's effects on us. This can not be done. I will not be foolish or narcissitic enough to tell you what it is for you, but I will attempt to explain it from my eyes and heart.

 For me I do not have a type physically, yes I find alot of woman of all sizes, races, types beautiful. But there is more to attraction than beauty alone, and I have yet to grasp in detail how it grabs my attention.

 I do know that I love a smile, that smile a woman has that speaks of kindness, childlike wonder, sexiness and a veiled naughtiness. A smile that makes me warm when it is -20 out. A smile that will not let me go across a room of people. This smile says to me you are special. There is nothing I love to kiss more than this kind of smile. Looking at my past loves, crushes, relationships this is one of the common themes.

 Humor, make me laugh and i will melt like brie in the sun. A funny witty woman come with such playfulness she says to me, Hi lets play, life with me will never be boring, when needed you will laugh at me to remind me to be humble, you will make me laugh when you do not know I am watching. I will fill myself by watching you laugh with others or just yourself. There is no wonder why most people say humor is so sexy.

 Kindness, simple right? No truly kind people are created they are the effect of the actions of people they encountered through their life. Kindness is sexy... it says to me I am a warm place where you can feel safe. Your harbour in a dark stormy night. Kindness can carry a romance under stress like a cradle. Watching you deliver your kindness to others make you beautiful to me. It reminds me of love, love of self and love of others.... this is very erotic to me.

 Shared vision, I do not need to love everything you do nor do I have to be a mirror of you to be attracted to you. but a shared soul of vision and values is also sexy because it tells me that I will not walk alone. that even if we both see a different leaf we can see the commonality of it's beauty.

 Then there is for me being tactile, i love to be touched so a person who hugs touches a shoulder, places a hand in the small of my back for just a second is attractive to me. I am attracted to the way you touch your friends, strangers, family. Because warmth is sexy...

 Comfort in one's self, independence mixed with a desire to share one's self with others. A swagger, the way you carry yourself, oh so very sexy strength of self is in a woman if it is not arrogance.

 Intelligence, is for me a deal breaker. I get turned on by a mind, someone who likes to talk, shares ideas, dreamers are very sexy to me. A person who strives through knowledge to make the world around them and far away from them a better place. You want to make me yours show me your mind and I will follow you home. Show me your ignorance and I do not care how hot you are, you just became unattractive.


 These are the things I know makes a woman attractive to me. They enhance and create physical beauty. For me these are just a few things I can identify that makes a woman attractive to me I am sure there are many others, not to mention the little things.

 Yes Physically I like the curve of a woman, skin I want to touch all day. Eyes that smile, flirt, calm, and show gentleness. will drive me nuts.

But at the end of the day... The woman who is what I wrote about above is breathtaking, more powerful than any river, or sea.

"Sometimes I Wish I Was That Guy"

pic my me "Bora Bora"

Sometimes I wish I was that guy who does not  wears his heart on his sleeve.

Sometimes I wish I was that guy who does not seek depth

Sometimes I wish I was that guy who does not need love

Sometimes I wish I was that guy who does not follow his own path

Sometimes I wish I was that guy who does not appear average

Sometimes I wish I was that guy who does not want to hide from people

Sometimes I wish I was that guy who does not care so much

Sometimes I wish I was that guy who does not see what he sees

Sometimes I wish I was that guy who does not hear what he hears

Sometimes I wish I was that guy who does not feel what he feels

Yes I do at times feel this way, I will try and deny or refuse who I truly am in order to make life easier. But I am no good at self denial, for it always causes me more pain that experiencing the things that I mentioned above. Before you read too much into this post, it is just a confession of something that I think we all do. We sometimes doubt ourselves.
 I do Love the person I am today, that was not always the case though. I fought a battle within myself. A battle pitting the part of my mind that over analyzes my thoughts in a push to protect my heart. I dare to say a emotional flight or fight response to feelings.
 I was chatting with a friend tonight who was going through a rough day, day that one will question one's emotions, decisions, and to a degree themselves. I tried in to explain that we can never deny who we are and what we need to be happy. To not follow what our hearts tell us and allow our over rational self defense to keep us from being true to what we feel will always come back to haunt us in the end.
 It will leave us questioning ourselves more and more which in some tail chasing way makes us listen to our wall even more, and eventually leaves our souls and hearts empty and cold.

 So even if I sometimes wish I was not that guy, I am that guy. And if being that guy gets me hurt from time to time that is ok with me. Because i would rather have some emotional battle scars. Than to never have lived, to have hidden myself in some rational mind prison that locks me away from the beauty of life, love and happiness. If i never took emotional risks in my life, I never would have followed my dreams in my career, I most likely would have picked a safe, calm traditional job and been miserable. If i never opened my heart to be broken I never would have met, fell in love, been the best friend to my wife, even when my rational mind said no, she is not quite right there maybe another someone who seems a better fit. If I never opened my ears to listen I would never have heard so many stories which moved me, and changed my life. If I never opened my eyes and allowed my heart to see the beauty of humanity I would be doing my vocation, world, community any service.

 So what I am saying today is allow yourself to risk the chance of emotional pain because the pay off is amazing, and cannot truly be explained.

"An Open Letter to Cancer"

Dear Asshat Cancer,

 Why have you grown attached to me? Is it my eyes? I doubt it but you do like me i know. How do I know? Because you will not leave me alone, you think my life is your playground.

 First time i met you, was when you visited my wife, you like us so much you came to dinner twice and decided to take the one thing in life I loved J.J. You stole her from me in her prime a bright kind amazing women who never lost faith in life, me or kindness. You ripped her away from the earth with no remorse and left me to wonder if i could ever love again. You scarred my soul. You are a shitty house guest.

 Then you decided to visit my Mum yes she was 81 and had a wonderful life, yes you took her quickly like a thief in the night, so quickly you denied me a moment to say good bye to her, the woman who always loved and supported me. The last women to whom I was a hero. You fucker.

 That was not enough was it, no you set your dark cold eyes on me this time. But you waited til I was happy and content in my life, til I was ready to love and be loved again. You waited til i believed and had a heart again. Then you knocked on my door like the fuller brush man of sorrow.
 Now you fuck with me... ok , i get that. but you also fuck with people who care about me. You make them fear getting close to me, you make them worry, you sick soulless fucker. Once again you are trying to deny me joy & love. You attempt to make me hard, to crawl back into my loneliness and isolation. I can deal with the pain and fear for you taught me to be strong against that sword you wheel, but I hate being sad, lonely, I hate that you make me feel unlovable, ugly and worthless.

 I will beat you, because I must, because you will not get me, make me dust, steal my soul before it is time. My desire to love again is too strong for you, my joy of life depletes your power, my inner strength is a shield against your hate. So go now, your not welcome around my house anymore. I will not give you power. You are a asshole who no one likes. So FUCK YOU for hurting the ones I love & care about. Good Riddance............................

"Chasing Happiness That Lurks Around Us All"

 In my last post I stated that I would be bringing the shutters down on my public life and my blog. As the days passed the thought of deleting and ending this experiment would make me very sad. I hate being sad, it makes me ugly inside and out.

 This is why I am writing now about happiness, which despite the makings of being all around us and best of all free, we struggle the most in finding. As our lives mature and become more complex we find it harder to define and create our happiness. Just watch how two simple things makes  a child beam with happiness, a shovel and a sand box. Simple the ability to find simple things fun, and exploration of new experiences makes children happy. Why then do we all struggle?

 There are lots of reasons i believe, social pressure for social norms, our chase to be loved, and expectations on us created by media. I think these are common self talk we create that inhibits our easy of finding happiness;

• " If I had just some more money It would make it easier to be Happy" ( Yes money can free us to enjoy more things but it does not bring happiness only the veneer of happiness. I have seen some very very happy poor people.)
• "If I found that "one" love i would be happy". ( not true because a single person cannot make you happy)
• "If I was thinner, taller, shorter, less hairy, more hairy, prettier, etc. i would be happy". ( Whole unadulterated Cow Shit chasing these will drive us mad and make us miserable. Taking pride in how you look goes along way to making one feel better but chasing ideals does not)

I am a happy man and enjoy it, yes I have plenty of reasons not to be yet I am still a fairly happy person. Sometimes jaded, odd, crusty yes. But in reality I am sweet, sensitive and kind. I love people and seeing them makes me happy. I roam the world in my life like a kid in a huge sand box with a shovel. I allow my self to feel, I communicate with others how i feel as well. These also make me happy. I hold doors at stores open for people just because, I take interest in people when they speak this too can bring you happiness thru listening .
 I have experienced true Love more than once, this has filled me, lifted me up and allowed me to see happiness all around me. I can now experience sadness knowing that I can find happiness when I need it. Today I am the luckiest man on earth & a happy one knowing that, I have happy people, friends, family around me. Who always remind me in the most glorious ways that happiness is everywhere like air....
 I will end this post in this statement. "I feel that the biggest destroyer of happiness is complacency, the world offers us so much if we are not complacent."

Follow your hearts a little more than your minds and seek joy!!!!

Steven