"This Mans View of the Laws of Attraction"

 I know what you are saying, "Moose men do not write about such things", but I am not if you haven't figured out yet a typical man by any stretch of ones imagination.
Attraction is elusive, hard to define, as varied as the colours of sunsets around the globe. Still we all seek to rope it in define it tame it's effects on us. This can not be done. I will not be foolish or narcissitic enough to tell you what it is for you, but I will attempt to explain it from my eyes and heart.

 For me I do not have a type physically, yes I find alot of woman of all sizes, races, types beautiful. But there is more to attraction than beauty alone, and I have yet to grasp in detail how it grabs my attention.

 I do know that I love a smile, that smile a woman has that speaks of kindness, childlike wonder, sexiness and a veiled naughtiness. A smile that makes me warm when it is -20 out. A smile that will not let me go across a room of people. This smile says to me you are special. There is nothing I love to kiss more than this kind of smile. Looking at my past loves, crushes, relationships this is one of the common themes.

 Humor, make me laugh and i will melt like brie in the sun. A funny witty woman come with such playfulness she says to me, Hi lets play, life with me will never be boring, when needed you will laugh at me to remind me to be humble, you will make me laugh when you do not know I am watching. I will fill myself by watching you laugh with others or just yourself. There is no wonder why most people say humor is so sexy.

 Kindness, simple right? No truly kind people are created they are the effect of the actions of people they encountered through their life. Kindness is sexy... it says to me I am a warm place where you can feel safe. Your harbour in a dark stormy night. Kindness can carry a romance under stress like a cradle. Watching you deliver your kindness to others make you beautiful to me. It reminds me of love, love of self and love of others.... this is very erotic to me.

 Shared vision, I do not need to love everything you do nor do I have to be a mirror of you to be attracted to you. but a shared soul of vision and values is also sexy because it tells me that I will not walk alone. that even if we both see a different leaf we can see the commonality of it's beauty.

 Then there is for me being tactile, i love to be touched so a person who hugs touches a shoulder, places a hand in the small of my back for just a second is attractive to me. I am attracted to the way you touch your friends, strangers, family. Because warmth is sexy...

 Comfort in one's self, independence mixed with a desire to share one's self with others. A swagger, the way you carry yourself, oh so very sexy strength of self is in a woman if it is not arrogance.

 Intelligence, is for me a deal breaker. I get turned on by a mind, someone who likes to talk, shares ideas, dreamers are very sexy to me. A person who strives through knowledge to make the world around them and far away from them a better place. You want to make me yours show me your mind and I will follow you home. Show me your ignorance and I do not care how hot you are, you just became unattractive.


 These are the things I know makes a woman attractive to me. They enhance and create physical beauty. For me these are just a few things I can identify that makes a woman attractive to me I am sure there are many others, not to mention the little things.

 Yes Physically I like the curve of a woman, skin I want to touch all day. Eyes that smile, flirt, calm, and show gentleness. will drive me nuts.

But at the end of the day... The woman who is what I wrote about above is breathtaking, more powerful than any river, or sea.

"The State of my Dating"

 I have now not been in a relationship for 3 years. Yes I have dated here and there but have yet to find someone that A) is not insane or B) That thinks I am not insane. I know that dating is difficult and frustrating if not all those online dating sites would be broke. I have yet to subscribe to eharmony.com as the commercials frighten me. The glazed over doe eyes the "We fell in love right away" desperation and kids carnival ride music soundtrack leads me to believe that no matter what computer models they use to find my unique personality match. That they will have trouble finding a woman who likes badgers, beer, midget porn, celebrity toe nail clipping collecting  and also sharing my crush on Flo the progressive insurance commercial girl.
 Not that I have been dateless I have been on plenty of dates. Some very nice, with nice jobs, nice, homes, nice friends, nice hair...ect. just nice, with no passion. Or the other end of the spectrum, they hate and distrust men, sex, sex with men, books by men, their fathers, the fathers of any men, male babies as they will grow to eventually become men who will emotionally hurt or dispose of them. But they love ME!!!!! god how they love me.....
 So now I have a growing pile of restraining orders I have had to get, and a list of changed phone numbers that rivals the size of some small arctic villages phone books . I dispose of pay as you go cell phones more than the local pot dealers and human traffickers.

 Do I blame my city? to a point, yes.. Vancouver is filled with people who have a image of a image. When I meet or I am introduced to prospective mrs. mooses i get to hear, "Do you do the grouse grind?, i love it and do it all the time it makes me feel free." FUCK YOU, I do not run up mountains for fun, I ski because of gravity, I whitewater kayak because of gravity. I will not even run up a mountain if chased by bears or chased by bears who wish to violate me with other bears. I will run down the mountain. The grouse grind in this town is like a key to dating if you do not say you do or you actually do you are destined to be a looked at like a leper working at the MAC counter.
  I do go to Yoga but at the community centre and not at BIUIUT*YTRUYRU hot yoga palace. I also do not live for it but it does make me more flexible and helps my back.
  Where are the delightfully odd girls who are funny sexy and walk to the beat of their own drums? The girls who drink and cuss like a sailor who enjoy the outdoors minus running up hill. The ones who make no excuses for their oddities, who allow their damaged youth to be part of what makes them great not what they are trying to hide behind a veneer of luulemon yoga wear, prada sunglasses and a refusal to poke badgers.

 I met a nice girl online, fun, smart very very pretty, knows who she is baggage and all. But she lives in Toronto............Come one fun crazy Vancouver girls who like balding, drinking, smoking, cussing non up hill running nice guys who can cook, love to travel are kind to animals, likes to shop, geeky yet stylish and has a unhealthy addiction to Japadog.

"If Online Dating Profiles Were True" pt1

oLike so many people i have jumped into the world of online dating. One of the problems are that pictures do not always match what the profile says. So i am making an effort in the name of public service to clear up these misunderstandings;

"BOOBS"

likes: my boobs, people looking at my boobs, inappropriate halter tops,  welfare checks, lurking for men on myspace.

Dislikes: Winter Clothes, Skinny Bitches!, using a fork, Jogging

Seeking: men who will respect me for who i am inside,,,NOT, you must worship my boobs

 

"CATS" 

Likes: Overplayed Broadway Musicals, Felines, Mascot costumes, Litter Box sex play, my 22 cats

Dislikes: Myself, people with self esteem, dogs, taxes on face paint, mice

Seeking: blind men, guys who like scratching posts, boys with sandpaper tongues, a ball of twine

 

"Narcoleptic"

 Likes: naps, pillows, drool, pajamas, dream interpretation, counting sheep

Dislikes: stimulation, walking & talking, conversation, long walks in the park, coffee

Seeking: a man who likes to snuggle, guys with king sized memory foam beds, mutes

 

"The Realtor"

Likes: Seeing my photo on business cards & bus stop benches, Over priced condos, $15 Dollar martinis

Dislikes: Renters, the mortgage crisis, the homeless, pictures of me in the real world

Seeking: Men with 800 fico scores, guys with flipable homes, men who drive sports cars, a soul

 

" Milf for Sale" 

Likes: Seeming desperate, prostitution, cats, bad personal choices, working at payless shoes

Dislikes: being divorced, days that are not halloween, my self respect, lack of affordable sex toys.

Seeking: men who see my lack of self respect as a bonus

 

"Look At Me!!"

LIkes: my reflection, not having any marketable skills, sex with 20 year olds, UFC, Ed Hardy shirts,   Me, and Me. and bulimia

Dislikes: clothing, eating, people who read, cotton, snow, night clubs that make me wait in line, paying for my own drinks and blow.

Seeking: Men who drive BMWs, Porsches, Hummers, Men with barbed wire tattoos, men who have issues with women, sexy ex-cons. my daughters ex boyfriends

Next installment the men of personal ads! it is only fair

                                                                                                                                                               

Internet Dating Weirdness

The joys of internet dating, if you have been single in the last 6 or 7 years you have probably dabbled in this medium of seeking love through the comfort of your underwear or flannel P.J.s...
I know I have. Being what is called an early adopted technology came quickly for me and after my wife died and I worked through my grieving it was a natural choice to look to my online world for companionship. I saw it as a supplement to the more traditional styles of dating;

A) drunken bar monkey sex: it has lead to some fun relationships and a case of the crabs but hey you cant win if you don't play right. this has been a way people have been waking up next to someone they would cross the street to avoid for years.

B)Co-Worker Love: Nothing says healthy like sleeping with a co-worker, this always starts out great, you have things in common, like the mutual disgust with your boss, and the desire to find out who is stealing the activa yogurt out of the break room fridge. But soon you realize that is all you have in common aside from the wild monkey sex (i use this reference alot) and the lonely isolation that only working in a cubicle can bring. The constant time near or with each other soon shines a spotlight on each others differences. This leads to a break up and the very uncomfortable working conditions that follow. ( I just want to be friends is a bull shit way we want to make ourselves feel better, when we really want to say "You creep me out and I do not want to see you again and restraining orders cost too much in this economy".)

C) The Friend's Hookup: Because your friend always knows who is good for you, never mind that he or she is really not a good person to judge taste in any relationship. But you are a good friend and would like to meet a good lay, err I mean person so you say sure! The truth is sometimes these work but if they fail you now cause a friend rift and have to share your friend like a child in a bad divorce.


So armed with these truths I set out on the internet dating adventure. I have tried many sites, from Jdate.com ( a jewish dating site) to match.com and e-harmony. I am currently looking for misses right on Plenty of Fish ( a free site and that comes with it's own set of issues). So here is my site break down;

Jdate.com; Being a man of Jewishness I thought i would try this service. I have lived in cities with various sized Jewish populations. This site would be great if i lived in NY but here in Vancouver ehhh not soo much. I had my problems here. I found that the women here tend to be looking for the typical Jewish man. I am not him, and frankly for some reason I have never had much luck with Jewish women. I have wanted to but alas nope it usually ends very badly. So no more Jdate for me.

Match.com: Not on it long enough and never dated anyone from the site.

E-Harmony.com; the ads are great it makes it seem like they have the power to find your soulmate. what a crock the have the power to take your money. They have a personality test, scientific they say to help find your soul mate. It is a joke, they ask do you like food? Oh course I do i need it to live for fucks sake. People can answer these questions anyway they want. So hence e-harmony is e-bullshit.... I went on 4 dates that they recommended and three were complete train wrecks and the fourth was good but no mutual attraction.

Plenty of fish.com: This site is free and was started and still run by a guy in a condo in Vancouver. Being free takes the pressure off thus allowing you to graze the site for as long as you want and to date as many emotionally vapid people you can. It is the cruise ship all you can eat buffet of dating. Lot;s of stuff to eat put most of it bland and not too appetizing. I have met some really nice women on this site, I have also met some real freakshows as well.


So now you are on a site and reading profiles, these can be the real entertainment of the web. It is amazing how many women are obsessed with yoga. I go to yoga twice a week but not 6 days a week, fuck. find some other hobbies other than a false body image. Then there is the " I have a very active social life lots of friends, go out all the time, work out everyday, blaablaa bla." So what do you need me for? you will never admit it is sex because you have worked your way though all your friends friends and co-workers (see above) or you cant be alone....ever...ever....

Then the list of demands and translations;

FROM WOMEN:
1) Must be Financially sound= must be rich (now we all want to be with someone who is responsible but if the first thing you list is money...Huge red flag!
2)Love the outdoors= see must be fit
3)must like dancing = I go out every night to the clubs and get really really drunk and you must be able to carry me home and hold my hair when I barf
4)Must love cats= Equals I have 8 to 12 cats and little social skills ( O.K. please stay far away from me one cat is fun three can be a hoot but any more say I am a creepy animal hoarder who is looking for love and acceptance in my feline friends
5) I like UFC / Ultimate Fighting = i only date douchebags who wear ED Hardy tee-shirts
6)I am younger than I look= I am a cougar and a alcoholic (see "must like dancing")
7) No players, Liars, cheats= I have been hurt, used and in generally all unhealthy relationships and come with a shipping container of emotional baggage (see "must love cats") Do you think these kind of men will read that and say well I guess I wont try and get a date with her, because I am an asshole. They will say great I can take advantage of this one as well.

FROM MEN:

1) must be fit= hot and anorexic
2)likes the outdoors= hunting and fishing but not with you just my buddies
3)must be open minded= i will probably ask you for a threesome, anal sex, or accepting of my porn addiction
4)must be family orientated= a) I am a momma's boy b) I have 4 kids from three marriages c) I am a fundamentalist Mormon
5) must like dogs= I have a pit bull
6) Financially Stable = your credit cards

Not that I am saying you cannot find a partner online, but if your list of demands read like a union negotiation you may be waiting along time. Take a chance date outside your comfort zone because we all know how well your comfort zone has been working for you til now. Attraction is elusive so you never know when hit will hit you and being an open person allows life's little surprises to find you. Some people online serial date, women who do are looking for free meals and sometimes sex, men pretty much sex and will pay for an expensive dinner and drinks to get it.
I am just an average looking guy with a decent job who treats women well looking for that connection that I once had before. Simple as that. I don't require a structured workout schedule or a certain job. Just a good person.
Status is not important to me . So much for a list of demands. The internet is the new singles bar and it can be productive if you are honest, open and where else can you meet someone while wearing a mud facial mask in an old pair of sweats or like me usually naked........ I will leave you with that image.