" The Loneliness of Pain, The Isolation of Illness"

Today Cancer kicked my ass and as I write this continues to do so. I have tried to be lighthearted about it all, I joke have fun at my own expense and do not generally whine about feeling shitty. Tonight that stopped as I hit a wall of crappiness that I can only from now on call, "The Night of My Cellular Coupe". It all started to go genetically pear shaped a couple of days ago with extreme pain, mixed with spinal swelling, fever and less energy than a pot smoking sloth.
 I am if you do not know undergoing gene therapy, in which they alter a virus then pump it into me to try and turn off the cancer's DNA. Not as bad as Chemo from what I have gleemed from others but a whole different bag of side effect goodness. This week I have maintained this lovely list;

1. A Running Fever: oh yes like swine flu but without the nose crap and hacking and look of fear from strangers.
2. Weight Loss: Yes I can use to loose some weight but I love 10 lbs. in 7 days
3. Headaches: Holy Baby Jebus it feels like Nancy Grace is screaming in my head
4. Opportunistic  Bugs: I now have some flu like symptoms but different, it seems by Immune System is working off the reservation, deciding to throw a spring break party in my body.
5. Nose/Mouth/Eye Bleeding: Oh yes it is like i was bit by that fucking ebola monkey from "Outbreak".
6. Pain Extreme Freakin Pain: My back where one of my tumors is pressing against a nerve root has me in constant pain and leg strength loss. Also I have a tumor on my pelvis which also causes bone pain.

 I do not ask for help much as I am a stubborn old badger, I am not good at it. I am trying to get better at it but it is a work in progress in the same way that I am a work in progress as a good man.

   Worse than the pain, hives, and immune system that is running amok like a grade 6 class after eating 50 lbs of sugar is the abstract loneliness. I know that I am not alone, I have many wonderful friends who care deeply about me. People who call me all the time to check on me, offer assistance, spend time with me and have shown me on a regular basis a kindness that I do not know that I deserve and hope I can show them someday in return. But I still feel alone, when what I really want is to be tucked in, have my hand held until I fall asleep. I am not looking for the "awww" factor just some selfish care taking.

 I feel that for me the worst part of this illness is the isolation you feel, and for me the battle not to seem needy or weak. Again thank you for reading this post, as I know that if you know me this was not a easy read. I hope that soon I can be the man I once was again