"1985, The Xmas That Started My Holiday Crazies"

 I don't usually write much about my past especially the painful parts, the family parts. The parts that have very slow healing wounds and leave long lasting scars. But I will write about one such event, that is one of the triggers of my holiday season crazies.

 I was a older young person and It was my freshman year in university, and my battle with BiPolar Disorder was in it's relative infancy. My family had planned a huge get together in Vermont so the Canadian & American families could all be together at the same time. They had rented a lodge, planned a cool trip to a maple syrup factory and skiing in nearby New Hampshire. I was excited, I love the country in the winter, that crisp clean feeling, the smell of a fireplace. Which to this day is one of my favorite things.

 The problem was, I was not well entering the holiday season. My Mania was running wild and soon I was living in the land of rapid cycling. I spent my semester's money on booze, and side trips. Living a life larger than I could afford. I was loud and treated my family with verbal barbs when they tried to rein me in for my own good. I soon crashed and was again suicidal. I attempted to hang myself only to fail and found myself in hospital in NYC.

 You can imagine the scene in a NYC psch ward, it was a zoo, and me going from 100mph to 0 at a days notice. But for me it was about to get worse. My family convinced my parents to leave me in hospital and come on vacation. They said, "Steven is sick and does not need you right now, what you need is time away from him". This was told to me at a later time by my Mum. My parents caved into the request and soon left for Vermont.

 I was locked in a ward at xmas, they decorated with paper only. Because anything else could be used as a weapon. The xmas lights and tree were hidden behind that glass that has the wire in it and we could watch holiday movies from behind the TV's plexiglass cover. The whole xmas season, I received no visits, no calls, no contact from my family. They were all off in the place I had hoped to be, but my mind would not allow.

 My parents on return apologized for leaving me saying they had no choice and later my aunt told me to stop whining my parents needed a break from the shit I was starting. After that experience I always grasped onto the holidays, holding them as a important barometer to my social, family health my belonging.

 I was lucky for many years my holidays with my wife were always great, filled with friends and family, yet I was always worried I would be left out. Jay would have to comfort me in the weeks leading to them, reassuring me that I would not be left alone.

  Family can make mistakes, they are allowed, and it is only human. I forgave my parents and understand they made a bad choice when they were also not in the right frame off mind. Mental Illness, stresses families into tough places. It strips them of control. I may never feel comfortable or settled this time of the year. My holiday in hospital, alone may stay will me forever. But I am not totally alone. I do have many people who care for me as I do them. I just get a little nuts this time of year.

"A Season of Loneliness"

As we enter the beginning of the holiday season and people , friends, family all hunker down with each other to feel the love and the safety that comes with this love, I stand alone.

 I once had these kind of holiday seasons, full of friendship, family and love, but they have been slowly stripped from me one brick at a time till my emotional foundation was like the end game piece of a Jenga game. Some of my friends and family are lost to me through natural reasons, people come in your life and people go. I think about a lot of them but they do not hold heavy on my soul. There are the friends and family that have passed away, many of them to were not bricks that held part of my emotional life together.

 The ones that hurt, the losses that rip out my soul are those of my close family and friends. This is my first holiday season without any real family or circle of friends. This year it was the loss of my father, before that my mother and before that my best friend, my wife Jay. I have lost friends due to my mental illness and the damage that it causes, some where family but most are friends.

 So I sit and watch commercials, shows, news stories, tweets and facebook messages all beginning to talk about the holidays. And they are killing my soul, stealing what is left of my humanity and ability to love. I am dying and there may not be many holiday seasons left for me. But I fear they will all be alone. This is not the time of year to develop new friends and to be welcomed inside from the cold because all are already nesting, planning for the season.

 The most difficult thing in my mental illness is the loneliness, that hollow helpless soul crushing loneliness. It forces people to keep a distance but let them close enough for me to see. My best friends, either live to far away, or have a family of their own. There is no blame to be given, I was just the odd one out. I should be grateful ,blah, blah, blah, for what I once had. I am and I miss it.

 The one time a year that you know you have and are not a have not is when someone says, "You are welcome here, you for this season are family". I am not alone in this feeling thousands feel it every year, and thousands more will next year.

 I am facing my rabbit hole of depression, questioning everything in my life, wondering what I have done wrong and what I can do, if anything to salvage a life out of what I have. A life without people to share it with, the tears, the laughter, the quiet normalcy, is little of a life. For some this is ok, for me years ago this may have been fine. But to me now, after I have tasted the wine of companionship it is not. This season may be a watermark for me. I may get the answer to my pain. The pain and human void that this disease, this horrifically isolating disease has brought me.

"It's Me Behind This Wall, Please Stay Tuned"

My depression is holding steady still good that I am not jumping down the rabbit hole that I have been down so many times. This is probably due to me getting the right meds and actually taking them. Yet I am fighting my demon, my emotional wall.

   I tend to force my wall up when I feel fragile or vulnerable. I hate it because I will keep people at a distance and I have been working hard to not due this and have made some strides. Still my mind tells me that I am better off protected. The problem is that I do not want to be alone, I hate it. I try and tell myself that I can have my walls up and still not be alone, I will just go back to surface relationships with people other than the ones I emotionally trust. See I have major abandonment issues.

   My abandonment issues started with the sexual abuse that my uncle victimized me with. For year I did not stand up for myself and once I did, half of my family chose sides and sided with my Uncle rather than crazy Steven. I grew up with half a family, crappy holidays, less of a family support system because of me defending myself. My next sense of abandonment came with my discovering that I was adopted. I was a teen, dealing with the usual teen search for a sense of self identity and poof, all I thought of who I was, was gone. I was soon losing friends as my Bipolar Disorder became apparent, more real and imagined abandonment,

I did ok for awhile til my wife got sick and died. She was the first person in my adult life to accept me for what and who I was, did not judge me and loved me until the end. After she was gone I learned that her side of the family left me as well. I was just beginning to love the holidays and now they were gone. I learned to build my walls keeping all but a few people completly out. and letting them in only as close as my heart could be comfortable in.

 This fear of abandonment has done me no good, it has caused me to loose more people who cared for me than I at most times willing to admit. I have left a path of emotional damage behind me. Ironically my fear of hurting others with my fucked up issues has also played a huge part in my wall building.

 Now days I do not want to live this way, I want a full life with the amazing people in my life, but I fear that I cannnot heal, cannot learn to be a friend. I sleep with my fear and depression wondering if I am too broken for anyone who already has a life to want to stick around.

 I am working to not be this, working to be a better person who is not controlled by his fears and abandonment both real and imagined. I hope by writing about this both me and others will great understand who I am.

 I love my friends they are the only family I have left. I am just not sure that I show it enough or at all.

"Hey There Rabbit... Nice Hole"

The recent downturn in my physical health is beginning to have a emotional toll on me as well. On Wends. my  pain came to a crescendo, which had me going to emerg again. This time they wanted to operate to relieve some of my pain, and that was good because I am reaching the end of my pain rope. For over a week I have been basically bed bound, unable to walk, stand or do anything, simply a prisoner of my mattress.

  I was admitted to hospital only to find out in the morning that they could not do the surgery because the hospital was understaffed. I was heartbroken, and left to go home with a fist full of stronger pain meds and the mattress of solitude. I am a strong guy stronger than probably most people think. I have battled a lot of crap in my life and  although I have been beaten up I walked out the other side. I will do this again, there is little doubt of it.

 Here is the big "But", I am exhausted, isolated, in pain and stuck in this damn apt. I am also finding that my depression is increasing with my pain, my minds ability to fight off this situation is growing increasingly difficult. Depression feeds on misery, face it misery is like potato chips for depression, it can't have just one and chooses to feed till the bag is empty. I am not going down my rabbit hole but I am peeking into it. I will get through this, but right now it really fucking sucks.

 I am on stronger meds so my while it reduces my pain, it increases my zombieness. It is I guess the price I have to pay right now for less physical pain, and I have hope that my psych meds will help with my emotional pain. Maybe soon I will have a truce with the mattress of solitude, until then I have sleep, cable TV and the internet.

NaBloPoMo Day 4 " Mix One Part Chronic Pain With Two Parts Crazy & Get a Screwed Up Badger"

Bedsides my mental illness I also suffer from Chronic and severe pain. I am used to living each day in physical pain I have no choice and you somewhat get used to it. But on other days my pain is so bad that I am unable to function like anywhere near a normal physical level.

 Today my spine pain was so severe mixed with a condition called Cauda Equina Syndrome  caused me to shit and piss myself, I am also suffering from loss of feeling in my genitals. I am scared, in pain and mix that with my anxiety and depression and I am a pretty fucked up person. I may have to have surgery early next week if the swelling and self shitting continues.

 I am not good at being cared for, I am used to being the care giver or being alone, that is what I know and this behavior of keeping everything to me has and is destroying personal relationships. By behavior is my fault and mine alone. I am fighting to change this but it is not going as smooth and easy as I would like. My selfish attitude must change because right now I am frankly being a asshole.

NaBloPoMo Day 1 " 30 Things I am Willing to Do Or Not Do To Stay Sane"

It is NaBloPoMo (National Blog Posting Month) again whereas one should write a post everyday for 30 days. Last year I attempted this while I was a brand new and yet to be trolled baby blogger and made it 12 days. This year I am a year older wiser and more maybe less nuts who knows. I am not raising any money this year as everyone is screwed from the economy and I am raising money for "Movember" whilst I grow facial hair resembling a 70's porn star or Tom Selleck maybe a mix of both. You can donate for that HERE.

 What I am going to do in my never ending battle to fight Mental Health Stigma is write a post everyday on what I will do and what I would not do to keep myself sane and healing. Hoping to use humor and facts to debunk some of the stand alone remedies for mental illness I will also mention healthy positive ideas to improve mentally healthy living for people suffering with Mental Illness and those who care for and love them. I will also mention a Bipolar Hero of the Day at the bottom of all my posts this month.

DAY ONE:

WHAT I WONT DO TO STAY SANE:

Might as well start with a biggie , Scientology! The cult of Scientology has waged a war on mental health care for years, claiming medications are evil and destroy the souls of humans. They think space aliens and made by cult member lie detectors are far, far effective and keeping folks from suffering depression. This treatment lasts only as long as your back account still have cash in it. They Xenu will cover your body with spare straight theatans from Tom Cruises body. They have created false Psychiatry organizations showing fake sciencey data that only "Their" ($$$$) vitamins and spending time all sweaty in  sauna with guys like Tommy boy can treat your mania.

WHAT I WILL DO TO STAY SANE:

 I will take my Meds and take them as prescribed by my Physician. Today's meds may have some bad side effects like (Midnight Dorito Consumption Syndrome) or (Nothing Will Fit me at American Eagle Outfitters Disorder). These meds do work once you and your medical professional find the right fit. No one likes taking pills face it but the alternative in my life is far worse and could kill me and I know most of you do not wish me dead. Also because that one pill works well does not mean you should eat them like a bag of skittles in the hands of a 6 year old. Over taking your meds is just as dangerous if not more.

My Bipolar Hero of the Day!


Carrie Fisher / Actress/ Writer / Bat Shit Crazy and Wonderful 

Depression is a Evil Little Lurker

 My doctor has seemed to get my meds right since my last meltdown and for the most part I have been feeling pretty balanced and generally happy. My life is nowhere near perfect and I am not running around shitting rainbows and unicorns but my lows are not as low and thank the Flying Spaghetti Monster my highs are not as high or prolonged.
 Still though I live with a pretty serious level med resistant BiPolar Disorder and what may seem balanced to me will seem pretty nuts for others especially folks who do not know me well. The hardest thing I fight of late is not my manic highs they are pretty well tied up in my emotional basement in the time out corner. It is my depression that is always lurking just under covers. It makes me want to isolate, and not take proper care of myself. I am currently battling a minor depressive episode which seems to like my company a little too much. My self awareness allows me to see the symptoms, like my current desire to hide in my apt, yet unable to fully make the feelings go away. This is how depression tortures people, it is like a bully sitting across from you always reminding you that you are not in full control of your emotions and there is little you can do about it.
 These depressions for my seem to cycle and my rational brain knows that soon it will fade. But for the time being I may isolate more and feel like crap some days.
 I am fighting a life long battle that will never stop it is the part of living with a mental illness that is exhausting to the person living with it and to the people close to the person living with it. I am grateful though in a odd way that I am depressed and not manic because my mania tends to leave me with lots of emotional wreckage within my personal life and my little lurking depression is less offensive.

"I Just Never Knew, You Seemed So Happy."

 Can there be darkness in the light? Yes just check the shadows and there you will find darkness even in the bright tropical sun there will be pockets of darkness. To most people the image of depression is the sad person who never leaves the house or rarely baths. The person for whom no stimulus what so ever can lift them to any joy and the visually witnessed depression covers them and smothers their souls.

  I have had the aforementioned depression the dark rabbit hole kind of way suffering the feelings of just wanting to disappear into the warm dark hole it offers. This is not my only form of depression, I also churn with what some have called and what may be in the new DSM manual "Smiling Depression".

 Walk and interact with most people and they would never know that I was depressed, I can for the most part function publicly like all is ok, when inside I am an emotional train wreck choo chooing my way down my mental health tracks. Some professional are torn if this is a different form of depression that camouflages it's self in public as emotional protection, or a learned behavior that one uses to mingle in the world without drawing attention to yourself.

  Smiling depression is a silent killer, how many times have we overheard, " I never knew she or he was depressed". they showed no outwards signs. It is a emotional shape sifter keeping it's darkness a secret. How do we fight this thief of souls, well it is not easy. I suffer from it and the only way for me to really fight it is now that I am so open with a few close friends whom I trust emotionally, I can tell them when my unwanted sidekick "Smiley the fucked up depression" comes over to play. It also is important for loved ones and friends who can see thru it when they want to see it to talk to the persona about it.

 This "Smiling Depression" is slippery and dangerous and I fear is more common than we give it credit to. So if you suffer your depression alone when no one is looking, please go ask for help. You can and should be able to smile when you are alone too.

"Badger Goes Mental Tips & Tricks For Living With Depression"

 Living with the depression axis of Bipolar or If you live with Depression alone can be a chore. I can easily find myself wanting to do little more than stay naked in bed all day and surf the internets between sleeping, smoking and eating fried foods. Medication can put most if not all of my symptoms on holiday in Mexico but while I am recovering there are tasks I discovered will keep me from now showering for days and eating my way through a 7-11 at 2 am.

1. I must get up each day, that mean up not naked under my duvet with my netbook. Up means somewhat vertical.
2. Clean my place and keep it clean. When I am sick I let my place go, this just feeds my depression or mania. I know straighten up every day in an attempt to create some kind of mental muscle memory.
3. Get Dressed, yes putting on clean clothes will always make me want to go out or at least not crawl back into my fore mentioned duvet naked. 
4. Go for a walk even if it is just for 10 minutes, why because I am not naked under my duvet or on top of it depending on the weather.

 these are just some things that work for me, I no longer use my computer from bed if my back can take it. My bed is for sleep not for twitter. I suffer insomnia which is common, so creating a work space that I use my computer at makes me feel somewhat productive.

 I know these are hard and or impossible when deep in your or my depression and I would be a asshole to tell anyone to do all these things when sick. Yet when in recovery or when you are starting to feel not quiet right this little things do make a difference.

"Dear Brain, I Think You Are Following Me"

 PARANOIA !!!   A word that is used humorously in media and in conversation by many but when mentioned by someone living with mental illness strikes fear, outward stigma and self stigma. I am sure a lot of you are familiar with the paranoia from pot, it is a very different animal.

When I had my last Major Depressive episode I also for the first time it invited a new friend along without asking me first and that friend is yes you guessed it paranoia. Now this is not of the variety you are used to seeing or thinking about, the psychotic paranoia. I am not thinking the government is coming for me, or people are listening outside my door, fuck my life is way too boring for anyone to listen to. It is more like, I think I did something wrong to someone and they hate me now. Or my dr does not want to help me because other people told him not to. This is not a constant or ever present thought pattern, it seems to only rise when I am under a lot of stress and goes away when I am not stressed.

 Stress is a big part of paranoia and I am learning more about this right now as I need to to better understand wheat my mind is doing to me. This is not a fun or easy subject to discuss because it is scary to both me and others and can be difficult for friends and family to understand. I am going back on a med I was once on called Gabapentin . I know these thoughts are my mind and my illness on one side and the other side is my crazy talking. This is for me difficult to deal with because if you know something is wrong you change it, this does not change that easy and it is also new to me so it scares me even more.

 To those of  you who see me often please understand these thoughts I am currently having and feel free to remind me that this is my illness taking to me and not reality. And please be patient with me I am still not 100% but I am getting better. Living with Mental Illness is not cut and dry and it's boundaries and borders change all the time. The human mind is always dynamic so it is understandable that Mental Illness or Mental Wellness would be as well.

"Chemical Fail Whales"

 Failure!!! I Failed!!!!! I Will fail!!

We have all said it thought it beaten ourselves silly with it. I believe personal failure is a self defined benchmark, a   event horizon that is set by us, our minds and by our belief system. There is a criteria for failure that I found and it is this on wikipedia 

The criteria for failure are heavily dependent on context of use, and may be relative to a particular observer or belief system. A situation considered to be a failure by one might be considered a success by another, particularly in cases of direct competition or a zero-sum game. Similarly, the degree of success or failure in a situation may be differently viewed by distinct observers or participants, such that a situation that one considers to be a failure, another might consider to be a success, a qualified success or a neutral situation.

It may also be difficult or impossible to ascertain whether a situation meets criteria for failure or success due to ambiguous or ill-defined definition of those criteria. Finding useful and effective criteria, or heuristics, to judge the success or failure of a situation may itself be a significant task.

Living with mental illness the thoughts of failure always float to the surface, especially when we are in some sort of flux. I have beaten myself up like a circus monkey over and over again based on what I see success as. I have placed a line in the sand for failure many times and forget to see the real successes that were  in front of me all the time. Everyone has but, Me living with my mental illness I do not have this luxury. Setting myself up to believe I failed can spiral me into my illness. If is Red Bull for my depression and for my anxiety.

 How do I battle this? I had to learn that just knowing that my thoughts of setting up a set of rules to fail are in it's self a win ans self awareness removes my line in the sand to some degree. Letting others know that these thoughts are in my head are also a win and  lessen the risk of what I think is a failure. You see when we think we are going to fail we are sailing a big ship alone and in the case of a a person living with depression that ship is a super tanker in size and have lots of sails, ropes , and shit that no one person can do alone. So talking and sharing our fears with friends and professionals helps us operate SS Crazy.

 In today's hustle and flow of life, our driven world of social pressure, we forget to let ourselves be human. I am recovering from my turn into my illness, light is shining through my depression now and I feel a lot better. I see this as a journey not a race, there is no failure for me right now, because I have survived so much in my life. I am all win now every step is a win even when I do not feel like it is.

Badger Gone Mental Day 30, "Held Hostage By My Health"

 I have now been in the hospital for a month yup one month, it sometimes feels like a lifetime and other times like a blur. Time not withstanding, I needed to be here as my brain when it goes of the reservation it is not a pretty place. I have been lucky that this time I did not leave a trail of horror behind me like some emotional paddle wheel boat. I have in the past hurt those who care the most for me and also myself. As much as I kid living with Bipolar disorder is not a joke, there are days like today that start great and end in me wanting to disappear.

   These feelings are attached to my depression and anxiety and play in the same sand box as my PTSD and fear of abandonment. When I am healthy they live quietly in a corner of my brain content to stay there and play with each other. When I am ill they go stir crazy wanting to show off to everyone they see. I only have 3 maybe 4 ECT treatments left. I am beginning to feel them work and hope the remaining ones matched with my increased medication will bring me back to the person I am and that the people who care about me know and love. I am not there yet.

   The one thing that is still raging in my rat brain is that I am now worthless, useless a burden to all. I  am not writing this to try and get the Äww you are valuable comments, it is  really how I feel inside. I am not working and currently on disability  for my cancer, I cannot work, but I want to work. For years what defined me was my job, my career, I loved getting up each day to work. I know crazy huh? I was blessed to work in a field I am passionate about. Now that is gone, maybe forever, what use am I what do I contribute to the world. maybe I can think about what can I contribute to the world? I am just not there yet. I see people on transit going to and from work and it makes me sad and angry. I am hoping there is a place in the world for me because I am fighting real fucking hard to stay in it...

"The Badger's Billing Cycle Has Passed if I was a Mobile Phone Comp."

Today I have been in hospital for a month, so it seems my billing cycle is up and will now charge the Nurses roaming fees for when they are at lunch or gossiping and not attending to the badgers many needs. Their unlimited data plan is over as it was introductory and now I will charge them anything over 500mb of data, this includes but not limited to;

• "How are We feeling today comments"
• The 900th time they walk by my room screaming breakfast like some medical Paul Revere.
• Why are you not married?
• "Why do you read so much and not come out and play cards?

If they want to upgrade to new Patient they must first give me a private room, daily foot rubs, and access to a mini bar. 

 Seriously it has been a month and I am beginning to see light at the end of the tunnel, lets hope it is not a train or a midget with a flashlight. I have had 4 E.C.T. treatments without major side effects, and my mood has increased around 45% I am turning the corner. I will need maybe 4-5 more treatments and should be out at the end of next week or mid-week the following.

 I need to take a second to thank everyone who has supported me through this process in my life, and most of you barely know me yet have shown me such kindness and humanity. I will personally thank all of you when I am out, the list is long, very long. Thank you as well to everyone whom I do not know who reads my blog or follows me on Twitter. I am also moved by your words of encouragement. 

Tick Tock Tick Tock, The Badger, Depression & Time, Lots of Time"

 As I stumble closer to being in Hospital for a whole month some things are becoming clear to me, as clear as that can be through the eyes of myself whilst sitting here trying to get well. I am a very paitent man believe it or not. Being a type B non-linear  thinker helps in situations like this. Some may doubt my type b-ness  because I can be a big personality, but those who really know me see that.
  Still I have been here 3 days shy of a month. To put that in perspective that is a Billing Cycle for your HD cable  service. My depression is still playing games with my head, it is still telling me I am worthless that no one really wants to be near me that I will not recover and be sick now forever. My rational mind knows it is not true but my ill mind believes it.
  i am also scared the ECT will flip me into Mania putting me into a state that I fear. When I really am the Badger 24/7 and I work real hard to destroy all around me. But I am in a safe place getting good care. I am still trying to get my netbook approved on the ward. I have been here a fucking month, they can at least throw me a bone or maybe some airmiles...

 I am still feeling extreme loneliness as well as I am still at times feeling the effects of the effects of last week, My ability to trust has been stretched not broken just stretched leaving me feeling exposed and raw.

 There is a chance that I could be here another month as my treatments are twice a week instead of three times a week. I am hoping this is not the case. If so I will get more overnight passes and will get to spend more time with friends and less with some of the bitchy nurses.

   

Day 15 Of The Badger Goes Mental " Two Week Still No Jello"

 It has been two weeks that the intrepid Badger has been on the Psych ward. Whilst all of you have been laying over night in your own moisture I am comfy on my plastic piss proof mattress in air conditioned bliss. Sure I am in a bowl of fruit loops but since I am one of them it is ok.

 My depression is still fucking with me as I have yet to get a date on starting my ECT as they are booked up, it seems ECT is trending here in Burnaby. I also cannot do out patient as my neck is  too large and I could have problems breathing so I have to be in a recovery room to have my brain tickled. it seems that I am a fat badger  I have also still only had two smokes since Monday a feat that is only out done by putting a man on the Moon and the success of American Idol.

 Sometimes when you are in hospital all you can focus on is "You" makes  sense right? well this frustration is not seen by the staff who have 100s of things to worry about. So my anger get up. I want to give up on treatment and go home to wallow. I just met with a internist who said, "You do not look like someone who is depressed and needs ECT" He cannot see my mind or maybe does not understand that for moments I can be happish only to retreat to my depression moments later.

Day 11 of The Badger Goes Mental, "Poor Sleep, Fjords, Poor Tacos"

  I slept like crap last night, maybe it was because of the dip in my depression, maybe having a new roommate who may or may not want to eat my spleen like he threatened this morning to do. I know it is his illness but when a guy who is staying where I am staying says, " You look evil, next time you sleep I will eat your insides" you take note. But back to my sleep, sometimes depression makes me want to do nothing else but sleep, this time, as it turns out when I have nothing but nothing to do I cant sleep at all, Meh... Just when I think I can get a handle on understanding my depression it pulls out a new "feature & Benefit" like some mental health salesman on commission,  last night I even took two imovain a sleeping pill like "Ambian" and nothing poop just nothing. The first time  I took one of these it was more than half the does and I feel asleep at the kitchen table for 8 hours only to awake to the laughter of my wife and the lady in the loft next door who she snuck in to get a peek at my upright drooling slumber.  I hope to sleep better tonight and to wake up with a spleen and maybe a liver, i would not mind if some fat was gone liposuction is so pricey these days.

 Today I did wake feeling somewhat better and nothing makes me happier than driving, well ok I admit beer, unscrambled porn in hotel rooms and cheese make me very happy. But Driving is right up there.
It is not just driving, it spending time with friends who support me, who make me feel safe and valued who can make me laugh when I find it difficult to like myself let alone enjoy anything else. So my friend Airdrie can by to pick me up in her new fun to hoon Mazda and let me drive. She figured it was safe as I was not wearing tin foil. We drove to Squamish up the "Sea To Sky" Highway ( for all my non Vancouver readers i recommend google maps) It was a fun drive up the roads are twisty and we listened to "This American Life" a NPR treasure. Upon driving up I spotted a "Taco Bell" here in Vancouver they are harder to find than Rush Limbaugh at a Obama garden party. I wanted wait needed some taco bell badness. The food was not bad typical Taco bell but the service was tragic very much so. Three Staff and the only one really working was a Bitter German Octogenarian. Then we drove home enjoying the spectacular view of our coastal Fjords.

   This post is not directly about my mental health but in some ways it is. My depression is constant ever present and there, But when I am  with people I  feel safe around I can manage, I can see the beauty in the Fjords, The fast food goodness of Taco Bell and the enjoyment of driving twisty roads and good music. These friends unknowing and knowing make by days bearable, are like a wind that can blow a hole in this heavy fog of my depression, and when I cannot see through the fog they are my fog horn.

 I thought I had no Family left that I was now truly alone, but I am not people like The Millers and their lovely kids not to mention Derek's fantastic parents. My brother from another mother John McTeague in NY, and to so many others here in Vancouver. I now have a butt load of Fog Horns and hopefully by dawn my spleen.

Day 10 Of The Badger Goes Mental " Depression, Meds & Tobacco, Jebus Give Me Strength"

Sorry for the odd timed posts of late, I was finding it difficult to write every evening before bed as sometimes I want to spend time with my visitors and not feel rushed so I will now post at my leisure. My roommate is now gone sent home and I had one night alone, I successfully fought off the urge to dance, as a nurse could just walk in and see my junk in it's ungroomed glory. You see knocking before entering seems to be a issue in hospital, they just enter like your university friend in the dorm who just scored a dime bag and a copy of "Forest Hump".  A simple knock and brief pause would be civilized, and not my least favorite know whilst opening the door, who the fuck does that. In some places in Alberta or Idaho that would get you shot.

   Still battling my depression I am up I am down lately I am down more than up kinda like ATT's 3g service. So I soldier on. I have also taken the first steps in quiting smoking, I know Holy Shit!!!! The Badger is Quiting Smoking...The end times must be neigh. For a while now my smoking has been more of addiction than joy, a giant Smokey monkey on my back. The addiction to nicotine is worse than heroin and not as bad as meth but it is very tough. I have smoked for years it was my mistress always there when I needed her. She was with me when I was sad, happy, after a full tummy and after good sex. Now I sent her packing with the help of a patch and  gum. I will let you know when I commit my first homicide over a bus seat or a well done steak.

  Today I bantered around in twitter land in a discussion about meds for nuts. Taking meds is a persons right as is not taking them, it is personal decision. Unless you are a danger to you or others I feel you should never be forced to take them.  I have been on some form of  Psych med since I was 16, My liver is the Keith Richards liver of Crazy Pills I have taken them all. Some stop working for me, some made me fat, really fat, some made me dizzy. I am pretty good meds right now. The one thing I do know is the mind of someone with mental illness will tell them they feel better and, "Why Not Stop The Meds" "I Can Manage With Out Them" .... BULL SHIT... If  you are on meds and "Well" then when you are off them "Not Well" take your fucking meds if not for you for your family, friends, coworkers and random strangers. If you talk to mental health professionals you will find the number 1 reason why people return to hospital is Med Compliance they stop taking their meds. Sure there are websites that say take this supplement and you will be fine, again I call Bull Shit, a fucking banana and a pear will not change your brain chemistry anymore than walking thru a hospital makes you a doctor.

 I perfect example of the "NO MEDS" are good meds camp is the Cult Of Scientology they professes a hate towards mental health care and instead use vitamins , diet and e-meters and we know how well that seems to be working for our favorite , gay midget actor Tom Cruise. Yes diet can help to make you better yes getting off the sofa and just going for a walk releases chemicals of pleasure in your brain, But before you decide to stop taking your meds or changing your meds talk with your doctor, and consult a dietitian. because a healthy diet will make you feel better. Except in my case where I live for fried foods, organ meats and cheese

Day 9 of The Badger Goes Mental " Party Night & Return to Ward"

 Last night the Badger escaped the ward on a pass to attend the birthday hoopla for my friend Derek @penmachine . Getting the pass was great and I got to let loose see some great friends and get pretty drunk. All in all a good time  I also met some new folks as well.
  The difficult time for me was this morning and to some extent last night. As much fun as I was having my depression was still lurking like some emotional squatter in my brain. While people laugh, drink and eat, then head home to their beds and fluffy duvets I know I am returning here to hospital, that I am not well enough to be in my own bed watching TV and smoking. I am here where yes I need to be so I can be healthy again, but it still stings. My depression tells me I am worthless, that I will never get well and that I cannot have a normal life.

  How fucked is it having these thoughts and being enlightened enough to know it is my illness talking? Fighting and living with mental illness is a war some battles you win, some you loose. You may loose some ground you fought for one day and find new ground another. I am not giving up and will not but the battle is tough today maybe tomorrow or later it will be unicorns crapping out rainbows, who knows. What I  do know is that I am a fighter, I am stubborn, I am a Badger......... Oh and still no signs of Jello so I have that going for me.

Day 8 of the Badger goes Mental, " High Anxiety for The Badger"

Today was a mix of emotions I had a welcomed early visitor Stacey Robinsmith who was at hospital with a family member and was kind enough to share a coffee and some time. Thank you Stacey. And I went out for a bit with my friend Airdrie.

   Still thru it all something was not quite right, kinda like bacon and mayo left out in the sun, or Lindsy Lohan's face. It is anxiety, i have been dogged by endless anxiety today. I am not sure why but it is there staring at me like some creepy clown, or Jello. Fuck it is driving my mood down and making me restless.

 On a helpful hint from the Bat Shit Crazy Badger. Never buy anything from a cart in a mall, it is all questionable and may cause injury or disfigurement.

 I really feel like crap so I will keep it short tonight. Have a great night all see you when I wake up and the meds kick in.

Day 7 Of "The Badger Goes Mental" My Brain is Kinda Broken"

suicide proof steel mirror

Happy Anniversary to Me!!! I have now been in the mental bed & breakfast for a week now, if you substitute breakfast with Lithium and powdered eggs, meh. My day today was better than yesterday not because I am feeling better but I was able to go out and wander for a few hours. In the ward things were more like you would expect for a psych ward. Some patients went off the rails and had to be put in the quiet room. One gentleman was released this morning only for me to see him being brought back to Emerg buy the RCMP. That is the difficult thing for me to see as I knew he was not ready to leave but they did and now he had to humiliated by being brought back in again by the police. It makes me question the doctors when they rush someone out who needs the bed and the care, yet keep someone in who is ready to go home or really is not a threat to themselves or others.

 Some Highlights and Lowlights from my week in Bulleted form;

• Still no signs of Jello appearing but I am always vigilant as I fear they may put some on my bedside table while I am out.
• I hate my shrink he is a beardo control freak and if he says that I need to loose weight one more time I will bite off his nose to spite his face, and tap dance on his apparently small genitalia.
• My Friends Derek (@penmachine) & Airdrie (@airdrie) have been fantastic friends showing me such kindness and support that I thought was impossible not so long ago. Also their girls have made me laugh when I thought I could not laugh.
• I am still waiting for a date for E.C.T. I guess it is busy maybe they are having a sale buy one ECT get the next one for half price.
• I am making "Crazy People Art" in arts & crafts, I will take requests maybe sell some on estsy.
• The nursing staff here as always are caring, sympathetic and quiet funny.
• I have avoided the seclusion room so far, last time I was here I was locked in the rubber less rubber room 3 times.

  I cannot say that I am looking forward to another week here but I do know that I am in the right place for me at the moment and that there is nothing to be ashamed about having a Mental Illness. I just feel sad for people who know something is wrong or suffer from deep depression and do not seek help. There is a way out from this shroud of darkness, this sucker of all joy. All you have to do is talk to someone. 

I drew a map of my ward so you can all see the Badger's Enclosure!