pic my me "Bora Bora"
Sometimes I wish I was that guy who does not wears his heart on his sleeve.
Sometimes I wish I was that guy who does not seek depth
Sometimes I wish I was that guy who does not need love
Sometimes I wish I was that guy who does not follow his own path
Sometimes I wish I was that guy who does not appear average
Sometimes I wish I was that guy who does not want to hide from people
Sometimes I wish I was that guy who does not care so much
Sometimes I wish I was that guy who does not see what he sees
Sometimes I wish I was that guy who does not hear what he hears
Sometimes I wish I was that guy who does not feel what he feels
Yes I do at times feel this way, I will try and deny or refuse who I truly am in order to make life easier. But I am no good at self denial, for it always causes me more pain that experiencing the things that I mentioned above. Before you read too much into this post, it is just a confession of something that I think we all do. We sometimes doubt ourselves.
I do Love the person I am today, that was not always the case though. I fought a battle within myself. A battle pitting the part of my mind that over analyzes my thoughts in a push to protect my heart. I dare to say a emotional flight or fight response to feelings.
I was chatting with a friend tonight who was going through a rough day, day that one will question one's emotions, decisions, and to a degree themselves. I tried in to explain that we can never deny who we are and what we need to be happy. To not follow what our hearts tell us and allow our over rational self defense to keep us from being true to what we feel will always come back to haunt us in the end.
It will leave us questioning ourselves more and more which in some tail chasing way makes us listen to our wall even more, and eventually leaves our souls and hearts empty and cold.
So even if I sometimes wish I was not that guy, I am that guy. And if being that guy gets me hurt from time to time that is ok with me. Because i would rather have some emotional battle scars. Than to never have lived, to have hidden myself in some rational mind prison that locks me away from the beauty of life, love and happiness. If i never took emotional risks in my life, I never would have followed my dreams in my career, I most likely would have picked a safe, calm traditional job and been miserable. If i never opened my heart to be broken I never would have met, fell in love, been the best friend to my wife, even when my rational mind said no, she is not quite right there maybe another someone who seems a better fit. If I never opened my ears to listen I would never have heard so many stories which moved me, and changed my life. If I never opened my eyes and allowed my heart to see the beauty of humanity I would be doing my vocation, world, community any service.
So what I am saying today is allow yourself to risk the chance of emotional pain because the pay off is amazing, and cannot truly be explained.
I agree wholeheartedly. Took me a long time to figure that out, glad I did.
ReplyDeleteI totally agree. But I also know it's hard, especially where the heart is involved.
ReplyDeleteI'm a firm believer that some people are capable of experiencing higher highs and lower lows than some other people.
ReplyDeleteI know that for myself while in the depths of the my pain, I can find comfort in the fact that the pendulum will swing in the opposite direction. That is part of what makes me capable of sitting in my own pain, because it means that I'll soon be sitting in my own joy.
You don't think that you are a good writer- my friend, you are very very wrong.
Ashley is right. You're an amazing writer.
ReplyDeleteDo understand why sometimes people protect themselves and try not to judge them for it.