"What Happens in Crazy Does Not Stay in Crazy"

Photo by Liz Kearsley

For over a year I have been writing very openly about my life living with mental illness, and when I began little did I know the impact that it would have on me. My decision to blog openly, discussing my life's dirty secrets, fears, neurosis and other mental minefields was at the time a easy one. Hoping that by doing so I could just maybe make a difference in the way people view, people living with a mental illness as well as helping myself.

   I never really carried any shame with my Bipolar Disorder, I came to a personal place where it was not something to be ashamed of. Blogging all the while I was a inpatient in the Psych Ward and undergoing what some see as a controversial treatment of ECT was I no brainer as the treatment worked for me and I felt it should be talked about in the open. Yet I carried the shame and stigma of my other disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, as it carries much heavier stigma than Mood Disorders do. You  see people can understand the chemical medical reasons for Mood Disorders, but not their uglier step sibling Personality Disorders. Just saying it says, "Damn there must be something really fucked up with him, he has a Personality Disorder", which has no biological reason it is behavioral in nature and little understood.

  I admit that I do carry shame with my BPD, it makes me fear being around people as it might and has caused interpersonal relationships to fail. I can explain Bipolar in a reasonable manner. It for all it's craziness is predictable and fairly easy to control. But I cannot explain why I do the things I do that are attached to my BPD, and when asked by others I am at a complete loss, it baffles me and rides me deeper into my already existent depression. It is like gas on my depressive fire.

 Blogging about myself in a personal manner has put me out there exposed for everyone to see, the good and the brutally ugly. But I cannot put the cat back in it's bag that is the reality of personal blogging, the self exposure. While I may been seen as a crazy asshole to many, I hope that some still can see the decent man that is intertwined with his illness. A man that is yes on one side very ill and tortured by said illness, yet still tries to be kind.

 I am not sure if I still have a audience for my words or friendship, or if my blog make any difference in anyone's life or moves to assist in breaking down some of the walls of Mental Health stigma? I am battling with ending my public fight with my mind and returning to the safe world of anonymity. I am well aware that I am a polarizing personality that some find me to be pest upon the social media community. I also know that I have some friends who still despite myself are still my friends and support me. But I am scared to continue blogging and that is the rub. That if I continue to write so openly and personally I will do more harm than good.

  On Tuesday I will undergo my first spinal surgery and this is scaring the crap out of me. Why? Not because of the surgery it's self. I have little fear of dying or my chances of paralysis. I am scared because I know I am doing this pretty much alone. Much of my support system is either dead, out of town, or I have driven away. In a final act of "Fuck You Steve" my brain is having the last word, saying that I do not deserve the support I so greatly wish for, that this is the price I will pay this Holiday season for my shitty disorder that  I do not understand or did anything to bring on myself.

 Living so openly with mental illness can at the same moment be destructively painful and the ultimate in freedom. I have and am experiencing both and battling with effects of being crazy and out. I wish I was a better role model for mental health. But I am just trying to be a role model to myself because that is all I have right now.

"Tomatoes, Handcuffs & Prisons Dirty Little Secret"

    
   The U.S. Prison system's dirty little secret is it's connection to providing cheap labour for private industry. For years prisons used inmate labour, on prison farms, and prison industries like making officer furniture and school desks for the states the reside in. While it is acceptable and encouraged for inmates to hold jobs and providing affordable products for use by the state, soon and quietly the scope of these industries have changed.

  One state in particular has in the last 15 years become harsher in it's penal system, Arizona. The state of Arizona declared war on crime and one county and one Sheriff in particular have become famous for it's treatment and prosecution of crime. Maricopa County and the self declared toughest Sheriff in the Country,
Joe Arpaio. Sheriff Joe is currently under investigation by the US Justice Dept. for corruption.

 Sheriff Joe along with the Governor of Arizona both helped pass the toughest and most questionable immigration policy in the US this spring, what is just coming to light is that law was also financially supported by the private prison industry. It seems that Arizona wants as many people as possible in it's public and private prisons.

  Here is where it gets very dark, and the story that few are talking about. The other night while on the phone with my friend John in NY, we browsing the Arizona State Prison website, looking at inmate photos, crimes and sentences. The ADC website also lists where the inmates are working in the prison and how much they are making per hour. It is well established that inmates make very little, between .15 & .50 a hour working various labour jobs within the prison. So while searching we found a job called "EuroFresh". we were both curious to what that job could be, so we hit the Google and guess what we found?

 "EuroFresh"  is a commercial Tomato Farm, providing tomatoes to the retail and commercial food industry. Their website says nothing about prison labour. We also found another job called "Hickman Eggs", well good old "Hickman Family Farms" website is full of family farm focused marketing, ecards about eggs, and videos of what a family operation it is, but they fail to mention they use hundreds of inmates as labour.

 It is of no surprise that the State of Arizona does  not want migrant Mexican workers in it's agro industry when they are profiting of inmates. \why pay a migrant worker 4.00 a hour when they can pay a inmate .40 a hour?

 Is the State of Arizona and others providing private business with cheap labour when unemployment is at 10%? Are Judges and prosecutors sending people to prison for small non violent offences in order to supply private agro industry with a cheap never ending supply of workers?

  The largest employer in the United States is the Prison System, providing millions of workers, producing profit for large corporations. In my opinion this is creating a secret slave labour state and could implicate states in human trafficking. So next time you buy eggs or tomatos or god knows what, it just might be produced by some guy or girl who got caught with a bong.

"My Second Coming Out"

 I have done it again, I lied to a friend after I promised not to lie again. I have in a previous blog talked about the fact that I have a problem with lying. Through out my life I have hurt people close to me and have made it difficult and painful to be close to me.  I am also aware that by admitting this I am at risk of loosing whatever friends I may left or am beginning to develop as trust is a issue that once breeched is almost impossible to regain.

 I have openly discussed my bipolar disorder, and while it carries a stigma of it's own The other disorder I have carries a larger one. I also have Borderline Personality Disorder. I have lived in denial of this for many many years because of image that is attached to it. Coming out with this is not easy nor is it some kind of excuse or erasure of my actions.

 I accept full responsibility for my actions I am aware that it is damaging and hurtful and that the many will seek to distance themselves from me because of it. I am not seeking sympathy, I am writing this out of complete shame, I am in my heart a good person, but lying is barrier that destroys every relationship it touches so I am unable to be the good person that lies beneath.

 I have known about my Borderline Personality Disorder since I was a teen but rejected it. I did not want this label, because with it comes a great social stigma. denying it for so many years has caused so much damage and turmoil in my life, yet I was never at a point where I could admit this to myself or others and in doing so created great pain for those around me and myself.

 Coming out publicly on this blog for all the world to see may just be my bottom, like a alcoholic or addict, only once a person reaches their bottom can they get help. I may very well loose many more people in my life now and that is a fact I must accept. But I am tired of living like this, welcoming and celebrating one side of my mental health, while ignoring and denying another.

 I will seek help for this and will until I am on some kind of path to recovery, distance myself further from most people, until I am sure that the chances of me emotionally hurting others has lessened. I will still take care of my other medical needs and will face my upcoming surgery on Friday and in the New Year ahead. While my continued physical battles will probably be faced alone, I am prepared for that as well as that may just be for the best.

 To all I have hurt, I am deeply sorry and I am aware that my word means little, if you so choose to revisit a friendship with me in the future, thank you, if not, I fully understand.

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