"What Happens in Crazy Does Not Stay in Crazy"

Photo by Liz Kearsley

For over a year I have been writing very openly about my life living with mental illness, and when I began little did I know the impact that it would have on me. My decision to blog openly, discussing my life's dirty secrets, fears, neurosis and other mental minefields was at the time a easy one. Hoping that by doing so I could just maybe make a difference in the way people view, people living with a mental illness as well as helping myself.

   I never really carried any shame with my Bipolar Disorder, I came to a personal place where it was not something to be ashamed of. Blogging all the while I was a inpatient in the Psych Ward and undergoing what some see as a controversial treatment of ECT was I no brainer as the treatment worked for me and I felt it should be talked about in the open. Yet I carried the shame and stigma of my other disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, as it carries much heavier stigma than Mood Disorders do. You  see people can understand the chemical medical reasons for Mood Disorders, but not their uglier step sibling Personality Disorders. Just saying it says, "Damn there must be something really fucked up with him, he has a Personality Disorder", which has no biological reason it is behavioral in nature and little understood.

  I admit that I do carry shame with my BPD, it makes me fear being around people as it might and has caused interpersonal relationships to fail. I can explain Bipolar in a reasonable manner. It for all it's craziness is predictable and fairly easy to control. But I cannot explain why I do the things I do that are attached to my BPD, and when asked by others I am at a complete loss, it baffles me and rides me deeper into my already existent depression. It is like gas on my depressive fire.

 Blogging about myself in a personal manner has put me out there exposed for everyone to see, the good and the brutally ugly. But I cannot put the cat back in it's bag that is the reality of personal blogging, the self exposure. While I may been seen as a crazy asshole to many, I hope that some still can see the decent man that is intertwined with his illness. A man that is yes on one side very ill and tortured by said illness, yet still tries to be kind.

 I am not sure if I still have a audience for my words or friendship, or if my blog make any difference in anyone's life or moves to assist in breaking down some of the walls of Mental Health stigma? I am battling with ending my public fight with my mind and returning to the safe world of anonymity. I am well aware that I am a polarizing personality that some find me to be pest upon the social media community. I also know that I have some friends who still despite myself are still my friends and support me. But I am scared to continue blogging and that is the rub. That if I continue to write so openly and personally I will do more harm than good.

  On Tuesday I will undergo my first spinal surgery and this is scaring the crap out of me. Why? Not because of the surgery it's self. I have little fear of dying or my chances of paralysis. I am scared because I know I am doing this pretty much alone. Much of my support system is either dead, out of town, or I have driven away. In a final act of "Fuck You Steve" my brain is having the last word, saying that I do not deserve the support I so greatly wish for, that this is the price I will pay this Holiday season for my shitty disorder that  I do not understand or did anything to bring on myself.

 Living so openly with mental illness can at the same moment be destructively painful and the ultimate in freedom. I have and am experiencing both and battling with effects of being crazy and out. I wish I was a better role model for mental health. But I am just trying to be a role model to myself because that is all I have right now.

NaBloPoMo Day 1 " 30 Things I am Willing to Do Or Not Do To Stay Sane"

It is NaBloPoMo (National Blog Posting Month) again whereas one should write a post everyday for 30 days. Last year I attempted this while I was a brand new and yet to be trolled baby blogger and made it 12 days. This year I am a year older wiser and more maybe less nuts who knows. I am not raising any money this year as everyone is screwed from the economy and I am raising money for "Movember" whilst I grow facial hair resembling a 70's porn star or Tom Selleck maybe a mix of both. You can donate for that HERE.

 What I am going to do in my never ending battle to fight Mental Health Stigma is write a post everyday on what I will do and what I would not do to keep myself sane and healing. Hoping to use humor and facts to debunk some of the stand alone remedies for mental illness I will also mention healthy positive ideas to improve mentally healthy living for people suffering with Mental Illness and those who care for and love them. I will also mention a Bipolar Hero of the Day at the bottom of all my posts this month.

DAY ONE:

WHAT I WONT DO TO STAY SANE:

Might as well start with a biggie , Scientology! The cult of Scientology has waged a war on mental health care for years, claiming medications are evil and destroy the souls of humans. They think space aliens and made by cult member lie detectors are far, far effective and keeping folks from suffering depression. This treatment lasts only as long as your back account still have cash in it. They Xenu will cover your body with spare straight theatans from Tom Cruises body. They have created false Psychiatry organizations showing fake sciencey data that only "Their" ($$$$) vitamins and spending time all sweaty in  sauna with guys like Tommy boy can treat your mania.

WHAT I WILL DO TO STAY SANE:

 I will take my Meds and take them as prescribed by my Physician. Today's meds may have some bad side effects like (Midnight Dorito Consumption Syndrome) or (Nothing Will Fit me at American Eagle Outfitters Disorder). These meds do work once you and your medical professional find the right fit. No one likes taking pills face it but the alternative in my life is far worse and could kill me and I know most of you do not wish me dead. Also because that one pill works well does not mean you should eat them like a bag of skittles in the hands of a 6 year old. Over taking your meds is just as dangerous if not more.

My Bipolar Hero of the Day!


Carrie Fisher / Actress/ Writer / Bat Shit Crazy and Wonderful 

Depression is a Evil Little Lurker

 My doctor has seemed to get my meds right since my last meltdown and for the most part I have been feeling pretty balanced and generally happy. My life is nowhere near perfect and I am not running around shitting rainbows and unicorns but my lows are not as low and thank the Flying Spaghetti Monster my highs are not as high or prolonged.
 Still though I live with a pretty serious level med resistant BiPolar Disorder and what may seem balanced to me will seem pretty nuts for others especially folks who do not know me well. The hardest thing I fight of late is not my manic highs they are pretty well tied up in my emotional basement in the time out corner. It is my depression that is always lurking just under covers. It makes me want to isolate, and not take proper care of myself. I am currently battling a minor depressive episode which seems to like my company a little too much. My self awareness allows me to see the symptoms, like my current desire to hide in my apt, yet unable to fully make the feelings go away. This is how depression tortures people, it is like a bully sitting across from you always reminding you that you are not in full control of your emotions and there is little you can do about it.
 These depressions for my seem to cycle and my rational brain knows that soon it will fade. But for the time being I may isolate more and feel like crap some days.
 I am fighting a life long battle that will never stop it is the part of living with a mental illness that is exhausting to the person living with it and to the people close to the person living with it. I am grateful though in a odd way that I am depressed and not manic because my mania tends to leave me with lots of emotional wreckage within my personal life and my little lurking depression is less offensive.

"The Speed of The Sound of Loneliness"

 
    I have a default switch in my head and that is to be alone, to sit in my own shit like some fucking happy baby with that same bewildered look in my eyes. Yes I do like to some degree being alone, it is comfortable and easy like a old shoe. I also long for companionship a best friend. My close friends are scattered across the globe, the ones I can always go to when I am sitting staring into the rabbit hole and thinking, "Why Not?"  Yes I call them and that does help but it still feels like I am prisoner in my own loneliness and only allowed to have contact by phone.

 I miss my J.J. as she was my companion not just a wife but a friend alway able to find a way to take my mind off things long enough to let my crazy ass head spool down long enough for me to catch my breath. I have other friends who do the same. I miss these folks.

 The title of this post is a song from "John Prine" & "Nanci Griffith" , the speed of the sound of loneliness is fast and quiet and to me the more I feel alone the more I want to isolate.  I fight it and that fight is exhausting me, today If I could have only one thing that would stop the sound of loneliness  if just for a moment would be to have a day with J.J. back just walking or sitting in bed and watching bad TV.

  I am lonely / isolated and in some ways more than ever before. Will I be ok? Only time will tell, will I come out the other side less sensitive to my feelings of loneliness and fears of abandonment. Who Knows? I know today I am not doing well, I also know that I am working on theses things and my rational mind knows that is a step back from the edge of my rabbit hole.

"Bipolar & BiSocial My Life Long Struggle"

 1983 a shy somewhat introverted boy, some who knew him would say emotionally troubled, but sweet changed. 1983 was a life changing year for me, after a couple of years of severely struggling emotionally, bouts of  of depression unnoticed for the out of control mania that left the people who cared for me shaking their collective heads wondering what went wrong with me. I attempted for the first time and as we all know not the last to take my own life. Lucky for me that the ceiling joist in my closet was not strong or I would not be sitting here right now. My parents sent me for a short quiet stay in hospital to see what was wrong with me. A doctor whom to this day because of my mania cannot remember much other than those clicky swinging metal ball thing on his desk diagnosed me as Bipolar 1 . At first everyone sighed a collective sigh knowing finally what was wrong with me, still it my parents in some ways lived in denial that what I had was organic something seen as a defect and soon I learned to hide.

  I became great at hiding my depression and to some degree my mania, I was involved in activites that mania would be seen as normal, listen to punk music got a mowhawk and found a place to fit in it seemed. I still never felt comfortable anywhere and still to this day in some ways I still do not. I keep people at a distance for many reasons, if you are not close I cannot emotionally hurt you and vice versa you cannot hurt me when you leave. This has developed into a separation anxiety and social anxiety. My life to me seemed easier if life was on my periphery only being touched gently.

 Allowing people in has happened when I emotionally trust someone I can let them in and it is about degrees and levels. This all seems to contradict my outward gregariousness and friendliness that most of you know or have witnessed. I am comfortable talking in public, at parties etc, yet it is in my outer rings and what you see is me I am just on the other side of the emotional fence. This can and has lead people to not know what to make of me, it springs what I project, " lack of trust". How could you trust me if I never let you in?

  Now here I am on the web, on twitter getting or trying to know people and letting them in my emotional living room. I write about my life pretty openly I have talked about my failures, personality flaws, mistakes and a whole barrel of other emotional detritus. I am not perfect nor am I evil, I make mistakes based on a mixture of emotional and behavior traits that I am now working on even if for years they were so personally painful and repugnant that I hid them from myself.

 As I strive to open myself up, be a better person and make amends for damage I have done I only ask that if you have seen the good in me and are willing to be patient with me, that the good things you have seen or maybe know will come into focus. Last week I admitted publicly that I had lied to a friend and that when I am stressed or ill. I knew by doing so that I would open myself up for any fallout that that may have. This was one of the hardest things I have every done knowing that it would make me look guilty for everything from kidnapping the Lindburg baby, to the popularity of Snooki. This is a burden that I must bear if I choose to become more mentally sound.

 I am fighting every moment not to disappear into my personal rabbit hole and  live my life alone with people just out of my reach. I do not want to I like people and frankly care about a lot of you. I am just learning how to do it all over again.

Badger Gone Mental "The Not So Mental Badger"

 On Monday I will be having my final E.C.T. treatment and will most likely be discharged. So what does this all mean to me? How do I feel? Will I miss the piss proof pillow? These and more questions beg to be answered, to me anyway.  I have been here in "Happy Acres" for a month now, not a easy place to be for anyone. Hospital for all it's best laid plans of being a stress reducer, can be stressful, even though I have still not seen any Jello.

  Now I wonder whats next for me. I am still filled with doubt, and fear. I am not fully recovered yet, my mind is still teeming with my depression and anxiety, albeit nowhere near as severe as when I arrived here. Some of the things that dog me are, "what is my purpose now?", "Can I be whole again or am  I now damaged goods?" I need to find a direction again in my life, some focus. I may now work to assist Mental Health, agencies, groups and providers to access and use social media.

  I know a few things for sure, I could not have gotten through this without the remarkable, love, compassion, friendship of so many people and I hope they will still allow me to lean on them for emotional support while I continue to heal and get my "Sane" legs back.  Very few people who leave a psych inpatient unit is fully well when they leave. We are just past the crisis stage of our illness and there is more work to do. Both with my medical doctors, and my therapist.

 My journey is still ongoing, this is a new yet revisited chapter, in my life long battle with Mental Illness. I still have a weekend and a couple of days left here and more stories about my life.

"The Badger's Billing Cycle Has Passed if I was a Mobile Phone Comp."

Today I have been in hospital for a month, so it seems my billing cycle is up and will now charge the Nurses roaming fees for when they are at lunch or gossiping and not attending to the badgers many needs. Their unlimited data plan is over as it was introductory and now I will charge them anything over 500mb of data, this includes but not limited to;

• "How are We feeling today comments"
• The 900th time they walk by my room screaming breakfast like some medical Paul Revere.
• Why are you not married?
• "Why do you read so much and not come out and play cards?

If they want to upgrade to new Patient they must first give me a private room, daily foot rubs, and access to a mini bar. 

 Seriously it has been a month and I am beginning to see light at the end of the tunnel, lets hope it is not a train or a midget with a flashlight. I have had 4 E.C.T. treatments without major side effects, and my mood has increased around 45% I am turning the corner. I will need maybe 4-5 more treatments and should be out at the end of next week or mid-week the following.

 I need to take a second to thank everyone who has supported me through this process in my life, and most of you barely know me yet have shown me such kindness and humanity. I will personally thank all of you when I am out, the list is long, very long. Thank you as well to everyone whom I do not know who reads my blog or follows me on Twitter. I am also moved by your words of encouragement. 

Tick Tock Tick Tock, The Badger, Depression & Time, Lots of Time"

 As I stumble closer to being in Hospital for a whole month some things are becoming clear to me, as clear as that can be through the eyes of myself whilst sitting here trying to get well. I am a very paitent man believe it or not. Being a type B non-linear  thinker helps in situations like this. Some may doubt my type b-ness  because I can be a big personality, but those who really know me see that.
  Still I have been here 3 days shy of a month. To put that in perspective that is a Billing Cycle for your HD cable  service. My depression is still playing games with my head, it is still telling me I am worthless that no one really wants to be near me that I will not recover and be sick now forever. My rational mind knows it is not true but my ill mind believes it.
  i am also scared the ECT will flip me into Mania putting me into a state that I fear. When I really am the Badger 24/7 and I work real hard to destroy all around me. But I am in a safe place getting good care. I am still trying to get my netbook approved on the ward. I have been here a fucking month, they can at least throw me a bone or maybe some airmiles...

 I am still feeling extreme loneliness as well as I am still at times feeling the effects of the effects of last week, My ability to trust has been stretched not broken just stretched leaving me feeling exposed and raw.

 There is a chance that I could be here another month as my treatments are twice a week instead of three times a week. I am hoping this is not the case. If so I will get more overnight passes and will get to spend more time with friends and less with some of the bitchy nurses.

   

"The Day The Badger was Almost on a Milk Carton"

 This afternoon for the first time in my life I felt my life was in danger from another person who is living with mental illness. I am actually at the time of this writing still shaken up by the experience. I will explain the events of this afternoon, they are in no way saying that all people living with mental illness are dangerous they are not. Nor was this person knowingly being dangerous it was just her illness and she is very ill right now.

  When I first came on the ward i met some other patients as you do. Being somewhat social is important and I have in the past met some wonderful people in the psych ward. Good people can get  sick . So when this person whom I met and had been discharged asked me if I wanted to go get a Dr. Pepper ( which is a weakness for me) I shrugged and said sure. At the time of her discharge see seemed healthier and responsible. As soon as we were driving, the wheels fell off this trip and she swtiched.

 Now bipolars and people with schizophrenia can be delusional and hear voices or think they are being told or controlled bu outside people. It can seem scary to people, I am used to it for the most part and understand where it is coming from. BUT!!!!!

 \When you are in the passager seat of a car screaming down city streets at speeds up to 100mph and you are being told ."I am rescuing you they are trying to stop your brain from  growing with the ECT."  and "I know you were raped too in there everyone is" you get a little worried. As she drove I kept asking her to return me to the hospital and she would not, Only driving faster and harder whilst telling me more about her spirit self and how I needed to be saved.

 She finally drove me back to hospital after around 35 minutes of this which seemed like hours, and I quickly told the nursing staff, then filled out a report for the RCMP. and chewed on two pieces of nicotine gum. bad day to stop smoking. I settled down but was still nervous coming to the cafe to use my netbook.

 While I had this experience I need to point out that this young lady is ill, very ill and needs help. She is highly educated, a accomplished athlete and from a good family. Just her mental illness is controlling her life right now. I wish her no harm, I only hope she can find help before a tragedy happens that no hospital or med can take care of.
 I know kind of understand the terror a person feels when they are abducted, or held against their will. It is a scary place that I would not like to visit or wish on anyone. I have also witnessed the power of the mind when it is in runaway mode, and at the peak of Mania. Concerned as well that this young lady was able to fool the staff into thinking she was healthy enough to leave when it is obvious she was not. This places can and are sadly a revolving door. I have seen three people leave and return so far in my short stay. They can get us stable but not make us take our meds. Some people need a greater support system, helping them understand why taking meds if you need them is important also watching behavior when discharged from hospital.

 I dont think she would have harmed me but we could have had a serious accident that could have killed us or others. Will I  jump in the car with another patient , nope I learned my lesson and even I can be too trusting.

Day14 Of The Badger Goes Mental " Your Child Arrived & Other Stigma"

 Hello all and thank you for hanging in there with me while I sort my brain out here in The Burnaby Brain Spa.  Yesterday was a mixed bag My mood went on a unexpected side trip from, Depression to Anger, to a bit of food and friend induced happiness, to raging anger, sadness and disappointment. It was like my brain and mood decided to visit every country in some emotional EPCOT.

    STIGMA! one of my pet peeves especially from health care providers and the other night whilst the Badger  was waiting for his evening nommy meds at the nurses station. I overheard this comment from one nurse to another verbatim.  "You New Child Has Arrived" this was in reference to a new Adult Patient being admitted. I did tell the other nurse I found that offensive and she agreed in a kind of placating manner. I am sure if i was not there or overheard it she would not have been bothered by it. We are NOT CHILDREN we are adults many older than the nurses helping us, It is absolutely never OK to refer to us as children. As Derek said to me at the BC Cancer agency he would never be referred to as pukey.

   It is hard enough to fight stigma in the public forum without dealing with it when we are at our most vulnerable in hospital.

 I was also on the receiving end of some personal stigma last night, and if it were not for the help of some folks I trust it may have sent me over the anger edge. I will chalk that event up to personal crap and leave it alone. Today I will not own this anger because if I pick it up and play with it the anger will become toxic and eventually poison my emotional well and all whom I care about who drink from it.

 I will attempt to have a even better day and on my quitting smoking program I have only had 2 cigarettes in three days and if you know me that is a miracle of Moses proportions  and i have not killed anyone.......yet
Go out and enjoy your day tell someone you Love Them and be nice to a stranger....

                                                                                            Love The Badger

Day 11 of The Badger Goes Mental, "Poor Sleep, Fjords, Poor Tacos"

  I slept like crap last night, maybe it was because of the dip in my depression, maybe having a new roommate who may or may not want to eat my spleen like he threatened this morning to do. I know it is his illness but when a guy who is staying where I am staying says, " You look evil, next time you sleep I will eat your insides" you take note. But back to my sleep, sometimes depression makes me want to do nothing else but sleep, this time, as it turns out when I have nothing but nothing to do I cant sleep at all, Meh... Just when I think I can get a handle on understanding my depression it pulls out a new "feature & Benefit" like some mental health salesman on commission,  last night I even took two imovain a sleeping pill like "Ambian" and nothing poop just nothing. The first time  I took one of these it was more than half the does and I feel asleep at the kitchen table for 8 hours only to awake to the laughter of my wife and the lady in the loft next door who she snuck in to get a peek at my upright drooling slumber.  I hope to sleep better tonight and to wake up with a spleen and maybe a liver, i would not mind if some fat was gone liposuction is so pricey these days.

 Today I did wake feeling somewhat better and nothing makes me happier than driving, well ok I admit beer, unscrambled porn in hotel rooms and cheese make me very happy. But Driving is right up there.
It is not just driving, it spending time with friends who support me, who make me feel safe and valued who can make me laugh when I find it difficult to like myself let alone enjoy anything else. So my friend Airdrie can by to pick me up in her new fun to hoon Mazda and let me drive. She figured it was safe as I was not wearing tin foil. We drove to Squamish up the "Sea To Sky" Highway ( for all my non Vancouver readers i recommend google maps) It was a fun drive up the roads are twisty and we listened to "This American Life" a NPR treasure. Upon driving up I spotted a "Taco Bell" here in Vancouver they are harder to find than Rush Limbaugh at a Obama garden party. I wanted wait needed some taco bell badness. The food was not bad typical Taco bell but the service was tragic very much so. Three Staff and the only one really working was a Bitter German Octogenarian. Then we drove home enjoying the spectacular view of our coastal Fjords.

   This post is not directly about my mental health but in some ways it is. My depression is constant ever present and there, But when I am  with people I  feel safe around I can manage, I can see the beauty in the Fjords, The fast food goodness of Taco Bell and the enjoyment of driving twisty roads and good music. These friends unknowing and knowing make by days bearable, are like a wind that can blow a hole in this heavy fog of my depression, and when I cannot see through the fog they are my fog horn.

 I thought I had no Family left that I was now truly alone, but I am not people like The Millers and their lovely kids not to mention Derek's fantastic parents. My brother from another mother John McTeague in NY, and to so many others here in Vancouver. I now have a butt load of Fog Horns and hopefully by dawn my spleen.

Day 10 Of The Badger Goes Mental " Depression, Meds & Tobacco, Jebus Give Me Strength"

Sorry for the odd timed posts of late, I was finding it difficult to write every evening before bed as sometimes I want to spend time with my visitors and not feel rushed so I will now post at my leisure. My roommate is now gone sent home and I had one night alone, I successfully fought off the urge to dance, as a nurse could just walk in and see my junk in it's ungroomed glory. You see knocking before entering seems to be a issue in hospital, they just enter like your university friend in the dorm who just scored a dime bag and a copy of "Forest Hump".  A simple knock and brief pause would be civilized, and not my least favorite know whilst opening the door, who the fuck does that. In some places in Alberta or Idaho that would get you shot.

   Still battling my depression I am up I am down lately I am down more than up kinda like ATT's 3g service. So I soldier on. I have also taken the first steps in quiting smoking, I know Holy Shit!!!! The Badger is Quiting Smoking...The end times must be neigh. For a while now my smoking has been more of addiction than joy, a giant Smokey monkey on my back. The addiction to nicotine is worse than heroin and not as bad as meth but it is very tough. I have smoked for years it was my mistress always there when I needed her. She was with me when I was sad, happy, after a full tummy and after good sex. Now I sent her packing with the help of a patch and  gum. I will let you know when I commit my first homicide over a bus seat or a well done steak.

  Today I bantered around in twitter land in a discussion about meds for nuts. Taking meds is a persons right as is not taking them, it is personal decision. Unless you are a danger to you or others I feel you should never be forced to take them.  I have been on some form of  Psych med since I was 16, My liver is the Keith Richards liver of Crazy Pills I have taken them all. Some stop working for me, some made me fat, really fat, some made me dizzy. I am pretty good meds right now. The one thing I do know is the mind of someone with mental illness will tell them they feel better and, "Why Not Stop The Meds" "I Can Manage With Out Them" .... BULL SHIT... If  you are on meds and "Well" then when you are off them "Not Well" take your fucking meds if not for you for your family, friends, coworkers and random strangers. If you talk to mental health professionals you will find the number 1 reason why people return to hospital is Med Compliance they stop taking their meds. Sure there are websites that say take this supplement and you will be fine, again I call Bull Shit, a fucking banana and a pear will not change your brain chemistry anymore than walking thru a hospital makes you a doctor.

 I perfect example of the "NO MEDS" are good meds camp is the Cult Of Scientology they professes a hate towards mental health care and instead use vitamins , diet and e-meters and we know how well that seems to be working for our favorite , gay midget actor Tom Cruise. Yes diet can help to make you better yes getting off the sofa and just going for a walk releases chemicals of pleasure in your brain, But before you decide to stop taking your meds or changing your meds talk with your doctor, and consult a dietitian. because a healthy diet will make you feel better. Except in my case where I live for fried foods, organ meats and cheese

Day 9 of The Badger Goes Mental " Party Night & Return to Ward"

 Last night the Badger escaped the ward on a pass to attend the birthday hoopla for my friend Derek @penmachine . Getting the pass was great and I got to let loose see some great friends and get pretty drunk. All in all a good time  I also met some new folks as well.
  The difficult time for me was this morning and to some extent last night. As much fun as I was having my depression was still lurking like some emotional squatter in my brain. While people laugh, drink and eat, then head home to their beds and fluffy duvets I know I am returning here to hospital, that I am not well enough to be in my own bed watching TV and smoking. I am here where yes I need to be so I can be healthy again, but it still stings. My depression tells me I am worthless, that I will never get well and that I cannot have a normal life.

  How fucked is it having these thoughts and being enlightened enough to know it is my illness talking? Fighting and living with mental illness is a war some battles you win, some you loose. You may loose some ground you fought for one day and find new ground another. I am not giving up and will not but the battle is tough today maybe tomorrow or later it will be unicorns crapping out rainbows, who knows. What I  do know is that I am a fighter, I am stubborn, I am a Badger......... Oh and still no signs of Jello so I have that going for me.

Day 8 of The Badger Goes Mental , " Emptying Trash From The Past" a Belated entry

First to all my readers I apologizes for not posting last night. I was in a uncomfortable space holding a personal secret from my past that has haunted me for years. So far I have only told two close friends my friend John Mcteague and Airdre. Some secrets haunt you, make you question your worth and value this one one of them. I was also afraid some people would not understand. It does not involve anything morally horrible like kicking kittens nor did I murder someone. Just my  own personal demon.

 Back to yesterday , still thank "The Flying Spaghetti Monster" no jello but I did get butterscotch pudding of which am like a meth addict with I scammed 6 big bowls of it's baby shit brown goodness. I also saw a patient attach another one so bad the RCMP had to come. It is very sad when a illness turns on ones brain so bad that they will harm another. On the other hand we have a lovely young woman who has been catatonic and is now watch tv with us and trying to joke around. It is this kind of experience where you see the humanity in the ward. Watching other patients helping and looking out for someone who cannot for herself. For those of you who or anyone who thinks people living with mentally illness are lazy, cold, odd, untrustable, and selfish, spend a day here and you will be proven wrong.

Tonights post will be focused on Mad Pride, so stay tuned it should be a good one!!!!

Day 7 Of "The Badger Goes Mental" My Brain is Kinda Broken"

suicide proof steel mirror

Happy Anniversary to Me!!! I have now been in the mental bed & breakfast for a week now, if you substitute breakfast with Lithium and powdered eggs, meh. My day today was better than yesterday not because I am feeling better but I was able to go out and wander for a few hours. In the ward things were more like you would expect for a psych ward. Some patients went off the rails and had to be put in the quiet room. One gentleman was released this morning only for me to see him being brought back to Emerg buy the RCMP. That is the difficult thing for me to see as I knew he was not ready to leave but they did and now he had to humiliated by being brought back in again by the police. It makes me question the doctors when they rush someone out who needs the bed and the care, yet keep someone in who is ready to go home or really is not a threat to themselves or others.

 Some Highlights and Lowlights from my week in Bulleted form;

• Still no signs of Jello appearing but I am always vigilant as I fear they may put some on my bedside table while I am out.
• I hate my shrink he is a beardo control freak and if he says that I need to loose weight one more time I will bite off his nose to spite his face, and tap dance on his apparently small genitalia.
• My Friends Derek (@penmachine) & Airdrie (@airdrie) have been fantastic friends showing me such kindness and support that I thought was impossible not so long ago. Also their girls have made me laugh when I thought I could not laugh.
• I am still waiting for a date for E.C.T. I guess it is busy maybe they are having a sale buy one ECT get the next one for half price.
• I am making "Crazy People Art" in arts & crafts, I will take requests maybe sell some on estsy.
• The nursing staff here as always are caring, sympathetic and quiet funny.
• I have avoided the seclusion room so far, last time I was here I was locked in the rubber less rubber room 3 times.

  I cannot say that I am looking forward to another week here but I do know that I am in the right place for me at the moment and that there is nothing to be ashamed about having a Mental Illness. I just feel sad for people who know something is wrong or suffer from deep depression and do not seek help. There is a way out from this shroud of darkness, this sucker of all joy. All you have to do is talk to someone. 

I drew a map of my ward so you can all see the Badger's Enclosure! 

Day 6 of "The Badger Goes Mental" " Ode to Paper Shoes & Piss Proof Pillows"

 On Tonight's Episode of The Badger Goes Mental, Day 6 "Paper Shoes & Piss Proof Pillow"
In the Nut Hatchery status among patients is not social economic. Sure we have a couple of "lord of Flies"moments which vanish as quickly as Lindsy Lohan's adult career. This is due in part to fear of the isolation room. A jail type room with a pissproof mattress on the floor and stainless steel sink / toilet just like in prison.

 If you stand up for yourself  or self advocate some drs. and nurses see you as out of control and have you locked up. Yes the isolation room has it's benefits for when someone is out of control, but iot can be abused when used to just give a nurse or doc some peace from an annoying patient. Back to the theme of the day.

The social status in the ward starts with, who has there own clothes and who is wearing hospital gowns. I notice this at meals where the gowned eat with the  gowned and the clothes eat with the clothes. Even in here people are lumped into some kind of caste. Then it breaks down even more those who can go outside and those who can't and at the top of pecking order those that can leave hospital grounds. Some move quickly like me others languish in paper shoes for weeks with the only fresh air they get is in the caged garden in the back. My friend Airdre commented it was like a zoo for crazy folks and she is right it has that feel to it.

 I have had a hard day today, depression mixed with chronic and acute pain do not mix well and my arrogant beardo Doctor who says I do not need pain meds. Also even if I am allowed out of the hospital I am still an inpaitent I still sleep with a piss proof pillow and being awoke every hour by the safety checks by the nurse.  I am also fighting with balancing this blog with humor and seriousness as I fear I am being too silly and not serious enough. For this I would appreciate some feedback. i am off to bed thank you all again for reading my rants of a crazy man and offering me such great personal support

Day 5 of The Badger Go9es Mental, " The Badger Bites His Handlers & Other Weirdness"

As Day 5 tumbles to it's finish like some tortoise and hare race except the Hare is wearing a straitjacket and the poor tortoise stopped to hoard apple juice and crackers.  Today was an odd day for me as I went postal on my doctor and laid the line down to my roommie.

    As you know I have a really fucked back, I am in chronic pain always and sometime this pain get worse and becomes acute. Last night I entered a acute horrific stage of pain, unable to walk ten metres without feeling like Oprah is dancing on my spine, whilst Nancy Grace is gnawing on it. The pain I blame on the beds in the Six Flags of Crazy. They are like building a bridge on Pancakes, except you cannot eat the mattresses, and if you did your diagnosis would probably change and that I do not need.

 A little recent History for  you. When I was in the Emerg getting admitted the shrink said, "yes we will get you pain meds once you are on the ward". That was 5 days ago and my pain free future looks bleak.
 My Dr, whom has a beard and probably likes Jello and kicks Kitties said "NO PAIN MEDS" i could just take Tylenol. Fuck You bearded shrink!! I have a history with this Putz he was my shrink for couple of days last time I was hear and I dumped him then for being a insensitive, arrogant ass. But I was willing to give him another chance til today. See he is a dr who prefers his patients to be soft and submissive, unaware of their rights and easily pushed around. I am not that patient, Not even close, So I went Badger on him and anyone who would listen.  I also called my outside dr and told him about how I was treated.

 I have talked before about the 2 tier Medical System we have. If I was in hospital for lets say some kind of infection, or maybe gout and My back was in the shape it is in I would be getting to see another doc and getting pain management asap. But if you are crazy it is different story. And being depressed sucks being depressed and in pain is a horror show. You would think DR. Beardo would want to make me pain free in order to get me healthy faster. So that was my day, I am lucky my Nurse today is one of the top 3 psych nurses I have ever had. Today I am a Bitter Badger I hope tomorrow goes more gentle. Again Thank you all for your continued support and for reading my rants and drivel.

Day 4 of "The Badger Goes Mental" "The Badger is Bored by The Sabbath"

 It is day four of my voyage to wellness and It is also Sunday the Sabbath if you are not Jewish or a Seventh Day Adventist. What does this mean, you ask? Major Boredom, they are no activities, doctors, groups, underwater basket weaving on Sundays. There is lots of pacing, 6 year old magazines and more gruel for dinner. So I went out for a Japadog and coffee with internet. As much fun as this seems I am still unable to really get pleasure from much these days, a symptom of depression, meh with a capital MEH.

 Tonight's topic of this post is "Booby Hatchery Staff the good the bad and the sometimes ugly". Most of use are familiar with Mental Health professional by what we see on TV, the Nurse Ratchet from Cookoo's Nest or the stereotypical shrink who is a mix of a weirdo with a beard and a Sadist who gets pleasure from making us crazy folk suffer. These are myths , are there nurse ratchets, kinda some nurses do not like their jobs or their paitents. Some others keep the Stigma going by creating a tiered level of care based on your diagnosis, they like depressed people but not manics, and so on. It is sad that some still operate this way. But there are the ones who are compassionate, kind, helpful and caring. These are at least at Burnaby General the rule rather than the exception.

 Then we have the Docs, mine happens to have a beard which in psychiatry seems to run as epidemic as beards on men in Orthodox Jewish community or in beardos on  the hipster ghetto of Main Street. Some doctors will not only judge you on your diagnosis but will also judge you on your education and socio-economic status. If you are rich educated and bat shit crazy you get a pass, if you are from the DTES or Surrey well that is a different story. But they are NOT sadists they actually want you to get better there is no reward for keeping your sick. A lot of patients do not trust the doctors and think they are cruel or cold. They see thousands of ill people a year, and they tend to have a low threshold for BS.

 It is great when you are with staff that include you actively in your treatment plan who treat you as a human and that is what I mostly experience.

If you are ever in my shoes, or know someone who is, give the staff a break they also are human and many of them also have a mental illness because "Nuts Has No Boundaries"  Again thank you all for your continued support the comments you leave help me thru my days of bad tv, gruel and other weirdness that you can only find where I am.

Day 3 O'Badger Goes Mental "The Great Escape & Nut House Socializing How To"

 Day 3 of my madness odyssey brings "The Great Escape of  The Badger" brought to you by Derrek and Airdrie  Miller. I received a day pass today and thanks to the Millers I actually had good food not gruel meant to be eaten by octogenarians with bad dental work. We went for Pho which is right in my comfort zone food wise it is the Vietnamese version of Jewish Matzo Ball Soup if you added tripe, beef tendons and beef. The Crazy ass Badger was kinda happy and rejoiced after with some supervised retail therapy. A ill Bipolar should never shop alone. Need proof I once bought two Mercedes S class cars at one time and on another fruit loop adventure when my wife was away on a work assignment sold all our furniture and bought new furniture dropping 60K ion one afternoon. Today I got a new pair of Keen Sandals and some Old Navy disposable clothing. I also bought flip flops for our Troops in Afghan for 6 bucks.
 My friend Airdrie was worried about my impending ECT treatments and watched a educational dvd on it at the hospital. It shows how bad film and media portray ECT compared to the actual treatment itself.

  On now to make friends and socialize on the ward. It is can be an odd experience for many reason of which  I will now list in convenient bulleted points ;

• Stigma: yup stigma fighting off your own personal stigma of others illness is not easy sometime especially when you are locked up with other ill people, some of which are douche bags and or white trash. But I  try to remember that they are ill too and suffering no matter how many Ed Hardy shirts you  wear. I can have compassion for another's illness but have a hard time with their trashiness.
• Manics Vs Depressives: pick your social poison but I prefer the depressives to socialize with they are less likely to annoy me. Even when I am full on manic I prefer the depressed and the other manics compete for my crazy limelight.
• Cigarettes: You will be asked for smokes all the time. Some people are too poor or have no family and hanging with other puffer fish is a shared bond. But do not keep giving smokes or you will develop a extra conjoined twin in the form of a mentally ill person and it is bad enough living with just yours.

These are just the basics and I will add to them as my trip here continues. As for my mood it is up and down I am fighting both mania and depression which sucks. and speaking of sucking have I mentioned the plastic piss proof pillows and my fruit hoarding roomie who is also afraid of the dark and keeps his night on all night? I am truly hit the roomie lottery. Tomorrow is Sunday and I do not think I will have any visitors. My plan is to avoid all Jello or Jello products, finish reading a book, bark at some squirrels, expound on the art of Tin Foil Hat making and possibly lick the door knob in my room because my roomie is afraid of germs. Again thank you all for your support and for reading may daily posts. I hope you enjoy them as much as I do writing them. Now to sign off from S.S. Nut Bar and will say ado! 

Day 2 of Badger Gone Mental, "Dance That Crazy Ass Dance"

 As Day 2 comes to a close, yes I am still bat shit nuts but there is some idea of the itinerary on my trip to madnessville. First stop I am no longer committed I am now Volunteer, which in crazy speak means that I am allowed to wander around outside when I want and if I do not return the police will not seek to speak with me.

 Here at Burnaby General there are Levels of freedom given to patients based on the risk of self harm. they are;

• Level 1 : You are dressed head to toe in the classic fashion of the Bonkers, a gown in a lovely shade of light blue ( assless if you are daring and you double up if you are shy), hospital socks and you cannot leave the ward for nothing, not even if you are talking to Jesus which I think a couple of folks are, so I asked them to put in a good word for me. I can use all the help I can get.
• Level 2 : no more sexy blue robes you can wear your own clothes but you still cannot go out and wander the grounds.
• Level 3: You are free to wander the grounds for a hour, go for a smoke buy Tim bits at the Tim Hortons in the cafe.
• Level 4: You can go out all day anywhere you wish but you have to return at night for dreams on your piss proof pillow.
• Level 5:  Over night passes, which can be lots of trouble or fun depending on how sick you are and creative as well.

I have gone right from Level 2 to Level 4 I way always a over achiever now I can go to metrotown and wander around like a octogenarian if I like.

   I will be beginning my ECT tune up on Monday so lets hope I do not forget any of you or my website passwords especially for that midget porn site.  My roommate has severe OCD but is a slob huh that is a new one for me and if you read my tweets from earlier you know  his mum looks like Cher after 6 month binge on Meth. He also bought around 20 pounds of fruit today, I hope he eats it all or our room will be like a fruit fly version of free buffet at a blogger convention.

  My mood still sucks and I still feel helpless, hopeless and crappy, I know and hope it will be changing after monday's plug into the electric grid. Still no Jello thank god lunch was a hospital version of Mac & Cheese, and was actually pretty damn good, I could have done without the turnips, fuck this place loves turnips.

 I ventured into Arts & Crafts today which is so stereo typically psych ward ironic it is almost a hipster activity. I made a plaque for some friends. If you have any requests I can make you a dream catcher or maybe colour you a picture with crayons.

 This place is not all that horrible, it is clean, we are treated with respect and if you need help it can safe or change your life. My writing these daily blurbs about my stay are to breakdown stigma. If you have any questions leave them on my blog, and I will answer them for you.