Of Border Collies & Offensive Parrots

I live on a boat with two dogs and a verbally offensive parrot. Most of my friends have kids, and brag about them so I had to take a moment and introduce my little family of over achieving pets. It is funny that my choice of pets are breeds that are known for their intelligence, maybe I am over compensating for something?

 "NEWTON"

aka: Mr. pants, Fig Newton, Hey You don't Eat That

Breed: Border Collie / rough coat

Age: 8 

Likes: guacamole, intense staring, swimming with harbour seals, travel, dark beer, any kind of Ball                      ( he suffers from B.A.D. ball Acquisition Disorder) he collects anything that is orb shaped, his                  G.W.  Bush chew toy, herding tourists, Sam Peckinpah movies, his backpack, raising money                    for UNICEF

Dislikes: Squirrels, pedicures, Nancy Grace, pooping in view of others, thunder/fireworks, high pitched                   voices

 I adopted Newton from a local shelter when he was 2. He is an amazing dog, loves everyone, fetches beer from the fridge, comes to work everyday with me. And enjoys walking the halls of my office on Fridays collecting money for UNICEF. He has raised over 4 grand so far. He has been a blessing in my life helping me thru the loss of my wife and my mental illness.

"LAZLO"

aka: no nicknames yet i just adopted him

Breed: Border Collie / rough coat

Age: 2

Likes: Shoes, swimming with other dogs at the beach, running laps on the boat, pickles, popcorn, belly               rubs, shaking paws, the taste of underwear, cats, intense staring ( it is a border collie thing)

Dislikes: brushing his teeth, not hogging the bed, the rubber bumpers on the boat, dogs in handbags

I just adopted Randell from a local border collie rescue, he so far is very sweet, very smart and likes to pose for pictures.

"RANDELL"

aka: the pornographic parrot, filthy bird, mr. chicken feet, mr. potty mouth

Breed: Yellow Naped Amazon

age 23

Likes: Screaming obscenities, the C-Word, breasts, eating pasta, dogs, going to the pub, offending                       Christians, talking back to the TV. watching the boats go by, treats at the office, the staff at the                   Korean BBQ up the street. giving tongue kisses

Dislikes: Being censored (when i cover his cage), sunglasses (he is an eye contact fellow), family values,

  Randell has a vocabulary of over 50 words and 30 sounds. he was taught his profanity not by me go figure but by his previous owner. his fav word is the C word which can be very awkward, and mother fucker, dirty whore, and shit bag. he also like to compliment women by saying they are pretty then he will laugh and depending on his mood call you a whore. He loves to cuddle and kiss and generally likes everyone. He loves dogs and will ride on Newtons back when we go for walk. He will not poop on you he will ask to go crap. For all his misogyny he is a wonderful companion.