On Monday I will be having my final E.C.T. treatment and will most likely be discharged. So what does this all mean to me? How do I feel? Will I miss the piss proof pillow? These and more questions beg to be answered, to me anyway. I have been here in "Happy Acres" for a month now, not a easy place to be for anyone. Hospital for all it's best laid plans of being a stress reducer, can be stressful, even though I have still not seen any Jello.
Now I wonder whats next for me. I am still filled with doubt, and fear. I am not fully recovered yet, my mind is still teeming with my depression and anxiety, albeit nowhere near as severe as when I arrived here. Some of the things that dog me are, "what is my purpose now?", "Can I be whole again or am I now damaged goods?" I need to find a direction again in my life, some focus. I may now work to assist Mental Health, agencies, groups and providers to access and use social media.
I know a few things for sure, I could not have gotten through this without the remarkable, love, compassion, friendship of so many people and I hope they will still allow me to lean on them for emotional support while I continue to heal and get my "Sane" legs back. Very few people who leave a psych inpatient unit is fully well when they leave. We are just past the crisis stage of our illness and there is more work to do. Both with my medical doctors, and my therapist.
My journey is still ongoing, this is a new yet revisited chapter, in my life long battle with Mental Illness. I still have a weekend and a couple of days left here and more stories about my life.
You're no more damaged than the rest of us. I think about my illness every day, as I pop out a couple pills from the blister pack (gotta love clinical trial supplied meds!). I know this is a long, long journey for me. For my friends, for my (nearly) wife.
ReplyDeleteYou're not alone in this. You're not alone in how you feel.
You're not alone.
Hey... I also received ECT for my depression, and it did end up doing more damage as time went on. (of course I did have over 80 treatments in 2 years).
ReplyDeleteTake it moment by moment if you have to.
exactly what Tris said and hey you are still there for me with the recent crap i've had happen so there isn't any doubt you will continue to feel better as time goes on.
ReplyDeletein the words of a great man: some days are diamonds... somedays are stones....
xo
Just to let you know, there are plenty of us who are pulling for you. You're a funny and uber creative guy and I'm proud to know you. :)
ReplyDeleteThank you everyone so much. This month has been a real personal victory. I fought my mental health demon in a open forum. Took some hits, and came out the other side with a clearer idea of my future.
ReplyDelete