"What Nightmares May Come"

I have always dreamed vivid realistic dreams. I am also quite frequently able to awake and return to my dreams where I left off. This is great when it is a good dream but not when I am having a nightmare.  Last night was one of those nightmare nights.

 Restless sleep mixed with a vivid never ending nightmare, which transfered into my awake state enough to leave me confused about my surroundings are bad enough. But Mix that with a nightmare of being committed to mental hospital by my father with the help of my friends only to be told they would never see me again, no one would, made last night's experience brutal. In my dream I was wandering the hospital looking for a way home in my gown, only to get turned around and returned to my bed. Then I would wake up and think I was in my dream.

 My mind was caught in circle of thought, asleep I was back in the asylum, awake I was dreading returning the asylum and had panic attacks every time I awoke. As I am writing this hours later it is still fresh in my mind and have been mildly traumatized all day. I am off my emotional game today big time.

 Psychotropic drugs used to treat mental illness can cause intense dreams and nightmares. It is  just something you have to live with. But every once and awhile the perfect storm of restless sleep and nightmares strikes and I am still surprised at the emotional toll it can take on me. Part of it is the subject of my evening, a fear of a lot of people living with mental illness is being committed to a hospital, mix this will trippy confusing visuals and the sleep - consciousness crossing and it becomes a micro mental health event.  Lets hope tonight is all rainbows and fucking unicorns or just a plain of no dream sleep.

NaBloPoMo Day 4 " Mix One Part Chronic Pain With Two Parts Crazy & Get a Screwed Up Badger"

Bedsides my mental illness I also suffer from Chronic and severe pain. I am used to living each day in physical pain I have no choice and you somewhat get used to it. But on other days my pain is so bad that I am unable to function like anywhere near a normal physical level.

 Today my spine pain was so severe mixed with a condition called Cauda Equina Syndrome  caused me to shit and piss myself, I am also suffering from loss of feeling in my genitals. I am scared, in pain and mix that with my anxiety and depression and I am a pretty fucked up person. I may have to have surgery early next week if the swelling and self shitting continues.

 I am not good at being cared for, I am used to being the care giver or being alone, that is what I know and this behavior of keeping everything to me has and is destroying personal relationships. By behavior is my fault and mine alone. I am fighting to change this but it is not going as smooth and easy as I would like. My selfish attitude must change because right now I am frankly being a asshole.