"One Block A Tale of Two Caregivers"

 This is a personal observation on the two separate levels of care within one institution of medicine. On Tuesday I entered Vancouver General Hospital for surgery on my spine, from the moment I began at the admitting desk friendly and supportive staff guided me to my pre-op care, where nurses prepared me, and doctors met with me and soon I was in the OR. All the time no one asked me with repeated questions or preconceived ideas of why I was there, or second guessing me. To them I was a man in pain with a medical condition that needed to be treated and they did so in a respectful manner. After I recovered I was taken to a modern hospital room which was clean, with TVs and a amazing nurse who showed real concern with my bladder and post op urination problems. She was always making sure I was comfortable and not in too much pain. I was treated by wonderful doctors who visited with me often and involved me in my own care with openness and candidness. I was treated with respect and dignity.

 In the early Fall I was severely depressed and made my way to Vancouver General Hospital emerg to seek care for pain, not physical mind you but pain all the same. I was shuffled off on a gurney down a side hallway where I was placed in different patient clothing than the folks there for physical treatment. I was questioned over and over again, telling my life story, my fears, and my experience with attempted suicide with a discounted no so caring manner. Treated to some degree like I was a hinderence to their emergency room duties. I was seen by two doctors who talked at me not to me, and I was shuffled off the the Pysch Unit.

 In the Psych unit  a block away from the modern, clean room I would eventually have my surgery, I was greeted by a old run down building, not so clean, old 70s beds, and dim lighting. The nurses stayed behind the counter treating most interactions with patients like it was a confrontation, or like we were pests. rarely reaching out to those of us in pain, again not physical but pain all the same.

 In most health care institutions, there is institutional stigma regarding mental illness. Rarely are MH patients treated with warmth, or mutual respect, but usually treated like opposing forces. Very few more facilities are newer, up to date or maintained as well as the physical health side of the coin. Mental Health care even though it serves a large and diverse population is usually the recipient of hand me down facilities and equipment. And yes some hospital staff offer different levels of care for mental health and physical health patients.

 This two sides of the same coin became very clear to me as I was in the same hospital in recent stays one for my physical health and the other for my mental health. While I was in my room recovering from my surgery I looked out my window and could see the building that I was once a patient in a patient in pain. One side of this building had boarded up windows like some old tenement and I knew that a person deserving the same dignity and respect that I was receiving  was getting the second tier of care. Stigma is not always verbal, sometimes it is brick and morter, policy professional attitude, and this needs to change.

 In the coming years thanks to a single generous donor is funding a new purpose built mental health centre will be built at VGH. Our community is lucky to have received such a wonderful gift. But still attitudes cannot be funded and must change from within, and with education, compassion and care.

"Did Your Crazy Person Take Their Meds Today"

 
One common theme in my life since I came out as "Crazy" to be not so politically correct is Stigma I get from friends and loved ones. I am aware that many times in my life, my behaviors, and actions have given for good reason people in my life to pause and think, "Well Steven is Bipolar so I expect him to be a fuck up". This is a tendency that a lot of people roll into when they have a friend or loved one living with a mental illness.

  The people around us tend to think that we will go bat shit crazy at every and any moment of stress or crisis. While yes sometimes we do react to stressors differently than "Earth People", we do not always fall apart when someone over cooks our bacon, or tofu for you vegan freaks out there. I have and have had friends who will talk to me like I am egg rolling on the edge of the countertop just about to fall. I to have faced to assumption that my illnesses effects stops me from making any sound decisions in my life.

  These behaviors from people around us can lead us to closet our illness and not talk openly about them. So many other people I know who live every day with a mental illness will always mention this one nag that grates on them worse than Nancy Grace on 5 cans of 4Loco. " Have you taken your meds?"

 While I understand the worry and concern comes from a loving place, it usually seems like when ever we get excited about something or sad about something, someone, somewhere will ask us about our meds. Even when taking meds our moods may change, our illness may manifest in different ways, but it does not mean we are advancing in our illness or facing Thumper in the rabbithole.

Being open about Mental Illness brings on whole new sets of Stigma, and a lot of it comes from a loving place. Yes when I am manic I get sewing machine legs, I also get it when I am excited, or nervous. Same with my rapid talking. It comes and goes with my mood and will become pronounced when I am riding my Manic Unicorn to Fruitloopville.

  If someone you know is living with a mental illness, yes look out for them, I appreciate it when it done for me. But try and resist the "Have you taken your meds" line of questioning. It is a pet peeve of most of us with a mental illness. Also to others out there try and not assume that because we live with a mental illness that our cognitive  skills are less than yours. I am lucky to have amazing people in my life who see me not me with a illness. That is the most difficult thing for anyone who knows someone with a serious mental illness to do, is to see the person, not the person with a disease. I am also blessed to have a best friend who sees me as me.

NaBloPoMo Day 6 " Does This Pill Make My Ass Look Fat?"

 For a lot of people living with mental illness medication is a necessary evil they help us maintain mental wellness and live a happy, fruitful life. But this life can come with side effects and one of the most common and mentioned is weight gain.

 drugs like Seroquel which is commonly referred to as the "Carb Monster" can pack on weight by doing two things, slowing the metabolism and craving carbs and other tasty tidbits in epic amounts. I am will to be larger if I can maintain a healthier mental life but some people struggle with this. The media and society also stigmatizes fat people. I am tired of people saying, "Just exercise and eat well" and the weight will come off" as this is not always possible with people on psychotropic meds. All the dieting and healthy eating in the world will not help when the meds just put weight on you. And a fuck you to the fitness industry who feeds off the insecurity of people..

TV shows talk about dieting at no end because we think thinner people are better people yet no one talks about the 20% of North Americans who are on Psych Meds whose weight gain is not a choice but one that is a effect of working to stay sane. How many thousands of people we see every day who are not rail thin are on meds. How many people who others have said, "Look how he or she let herself go" is taking life saving meds.

 If you throw in the stigma of mental health on top of the stigma of weight gain, people living with mental illness are faced with a double whammy of finger pointing. Again I will state that I am comfortable with my size and like myself, my weight gain is a direct effect from my meds, but my sanity is more important than being able to fit into Lululemon clothes. And while I am on Lululemon, as a company fuck you for judging people who are not tits on a stick, some of us have a reason for not being a size zero, it is called survival. So think before you judge someone on size for any reason not just medication induced chubbiness, we are all just trying to live.

NaBloMoPo Day 3 "Lost Nuts, Living a High Functioning Mental Illness Life"

 Living with a mental illness no matter what the diagnosis is never easy, we face a maze of barriers every day. These barriers vary greatly amongst the mental health community and from region, and country. The barriers I faced in the United States are very different in many ways from the ones I see every day here in Canada. The one constant one that myself and many others like me battle with everywhere is that of the high functioning mental health survivor.

 Everyone has seen the visible person living with a mental illness, you know the scene. The man or woman who is talking to people who are not there, or the young person wearing a winter coat in July who cannot make eye contact or seems socially in pain. What we rarely see is the person who goes to a office every day or works in a factory seems on most outward appearances to be fairly normal.

 There are lots of services and support for the lower functioning or persons with multiple barriers in the community, from drop-ins to medical and therapy services. The community actively looks out and rightfully for this segment of the Mental Health Community but those who do not need such intensive support has a hard time accessing help.

 Not being visibly ill leaves us unable due to economic or social reasons to access services available to others.
I see it when I speak with mental health professionals, they are so overwhelmed by the community that is on the edge that my invisible community falls through the cracks and is left to seek out help on ones own.

 I perfect example of this is Vancouver is the "Mental Health Team". The Vancouver Coastal Health Authority Mental Health Teams provide Psychiatric care for thousands of people in the lower mainland. But I cannot access their services because I make too much money and I seem to not be quiet the kind of sick they can take. I am still on a waiting list for a private Psychiatrist this could take 6 months to a year. I am high functioning but I am also living with a drug resistant, case of BiPolar I. And I can become very ill very quickly. It is a simple case of being very sick, yet not sick enough.

This problem may seem to a outsider to be trivial but to the millions who live in my segment of the Mental Health Community it is not. We tend to suffer in silence and that too is a shame. On a positive side social media has become a place where the community can and does share information and support  in ways many others cannot access regularly. In so many ways we are the  "Lost Nuts"  of the Mental Health Community.

Put on Your Tin Foil Hat for Mental Health Awareness Week '10

It is October, the smell of fallen leaves the chill of winter is starting to show it's face and it is the begining of the Ugly Holiday Sweater season, God give us strength  it is also Mental Health Awareness Week.

 This week we can all speak out and work to lower the Stigma that living with a Mental Illness carries, we can also show the humanity, humor of living with or living with someone with a mental illness. I am putting my tinfoil hat this week and will write every day with a story, hopefully humorous about my live and my fight with Bipolar and General Anxiety Disorder.

 I am already out of the rubber closet so my goal this week is the help reduce stigma and maybe help someone have the courage to fight their own fight. The only way we can reduce the fear about Mental Illness is to speak about it, frankly, enmass and yes in some cases with some humor.

 This is also the week I will unveil my idea for a ribbon/pin to show support for mental health stigma reduction so stay tuned for that madness it is sure to be polarizing just like me.

So lets all put on our Tin Foil Hats, celebrate who we are for a moment while educating others and spend a quick seven days to take a bite out of Mental Health Stigma.

"Car 87 Where Are You, A Model for Mental Health Crisis Policing"

 In many cities around the world the mentally ill in crisis come into contact with Law Enforcement at sometime in their lives some repeatedly. At issue most police officers only receive 30 hours on average of mental health training. For the person in crisis and many already in a state of paranoia and or psychosis these ofter end in physical injury and sometimes death. For the Law Enforcement officers  frustration, feelings of helplessness and lack of education can lead to personal injury and personal psychological effects.

  Many people with illness have a mistrust of the police, because of perception and or previous contact, so what is a police department and health authority to do? well he in Vancouver, BC Canada we have Car 87 /88.

 Car 87 was started as a joint effort with the Vancouver Health Authority to put into service a patrol care specializing in Mental Health Crisis. The car is manned with a specially trained police officer and a specially trained nurse who wear plain clothes and responds to mental health crisis that may need law enforcement assistance. The cars both 87 / 88 can be dispatched by doctors or workers who are concerned that their client may be in immediate need of mental health assistance, finding people who have left hospital without permission or from other officer and 911 if there is reason to think the person involved may be in crisis.

 While the police may not be perfect in dealing daily with citizens struggling with mental illness Vancouver's Car 87/88 is a great model for other jurisdictions globally to make the interact with police and citizens with mental illness a safer more human experience. It also allows the person suffering to feel like they are getting care and not being harassed for being ill. In struggling neighborhoods foot patrolled community policing have also done well to reduce stigma that young officers may have as they get to know the people living in the community and interact with them daily.

 Stigma in Law Enforcement about people living with mental illness can be reduced by furtherer education education in the academies and continued education while serving. Mix that with services like Car 87/88 and we are on our way to making contact by police, courts, and people living with mental illness healthier.

"Digital Side Show Freaks" Television's Exploitation of Mental Illness For Fun & Profit"

This To Sell This

Every Monday night the twitters is a buzz about A&E Networks "Hoarders" a show very loosely marketed as a mix of documentary / entertainment. In my opinion it is pure and simple exploitation of people with Mental Illness  for profit. The typical argument is that "it may help someone", or "It is educational" this is total bullshit. If it was educational they would talk about treatment and interview professionals. I know what News/Documentary style TV is I worked in it. "Hoarders" and it's older sibling "Intervention"  are watched for voyeuristic reasons by millions not so millions can help a aunt clean her 10 litter boxes. It shows people in their illness at their worst and they look for the worst cases they can and they are not slowing down. No longer are normal "Hoarders" enough during sweeps weeks and holidays A&E is pushing "Extreme Hoarders" on us, feeding our collective need to see people worse off than us.

  These people are above all Ill and at their worst and yes some are very odd and yes a lot are filthy but they are still people first and foremost. So you may watch this but what and when is it too much. Would you watch a show that shows anyone slowly dying of HIV-AIDS?  No most likely not.

 A&E which used to be "Arts & Entertainment" has turned into a digital side show, not much different from the old carnival ones. It seems people like oddities, hell I love oddities but the broadcasting of people in emotional pain, deep emotional pain is wrong, exploiting the mentally ill so you can sell more widgets is sick at best. Want a education about mental health or addiction, read a book, watch PBS or talk to a professional. Lets all stop feeding the monster of Stigma visa vie A&E.

"Dear Brain, I Think You Are Following Me"

 PARANOIA !!!   A word that is used humorously in media and in conversation by many but when mentioned by someone living with mental illness strikes fear, outward stigma and self stigma. I am sure a lot of you are familiar with the paranoia from pot, it is a very different animal.

When I had my last Major Depressive episode I also for the first time it invited a new friend along without asking me first and that friend is yes you guessed it paranoia. Now this is not of the variety you are used to seeing or thinking about, the psychotic paranoia. I am not thinking the government is coming for me, or people are listening outside my door, fuck my life is way too boring for anyone to listen to. It is more like, I think I did something wrong to someone and they hate me now. Or my dr does not want to help me because other people told him not to. This is not a constant or ever present thought pattern, it seems to only rise when I am under a lot of stress and goes away when I am not stressed.

 Stress is a big part of paranoia and I am learning more about this right now as I need to to better understand wheat my mind is doing to me. This is not a fun or easy subject to discuss because it is scary to both me and others and can be difficult for friends and family to understand. I am going back on a med I was once on called Gabapentin . I know these thoughts are my mind and my illness on one side and the other side is my crazy talking. This is for me difficult to deal with because if you know something is wrong you change it, this does not change that easy and it is also new to me so it scares me even more.

 To those of  you who see me often please understand these thoughts I am currently having and feel free to remind me that this is my illness taking to me and not reality. And please be patient with me I am still not 100% but I am getting better. Living with Mental Illness is not cut and dry and it's boundaries and borders change all the time. The human mind is always dynamic so it is understandable that Mental Illness or Mental Wellness would be as well.

"Flying Without A Mental Net, The Badger has No Shrink"

 I have been out of hospital for a week now and while I maybe on the road to recovery I am not firing on all cylinders yet. I was referred to a Shrink near me for my care after my stay at the Hotel California and was at first happy to have been directed to one so close to me. I was soon shockingly mistaken. My old Dr. who was wonderful and I had reached a pivot point in our relationship and it was clear that our relationship was not assisting me in moving forward. No blame it just reached it therapeutic terminus.  The other Dr whom I love and has to be one of the most caring and kind men not just medical professionals is retiring, and he will be a much missed advocate for all who live with Mental Illness .

  So today i went to meet my new doc with a open mind and WOW it was not only traumatic but I must admit the worst treatment I have ever received by a Mental Health Pr crap I cannot even call her a professional. She acted from the moment I met her in a hugely patronizing manner in one of those monotone I think you are a asshole kinda voices, mixed with a smile that is a atom thin veil of disgust. I guess she read this blog, HI DOC !!! and figured that I am a not who she thinks is a Sheep enough to be honored by her care. She just took my history, smiled art me like I just ate her favorite  natural cotton caftan and playacted me like some idiot. Either I am too fucked up and self aware/ advocating . I think she has another agenda and it is one that I theologically do not subscribe to .

 Psychiatric medicine should be a safe pl;ace for all to be. Especially consumers who are recently out of hospital and fragile. Not a place which I left in full on tears and in a major anxiety attack. Only thankfully to a friend I worked my way through safely. If I was someone else or in a more weakened state and left in that space and because of the experience was bent on self harm, she would have been responsible plain and simple. If I was a lets say a paitent with angina no doctor would have treated me that way. So it begs to ask, are we living with Mental Illness treated with less concern than others? Maybe but not by all, but by too many.

 I will find a new doctor one without an agenda and a distaste for strong self aware/involved patients. I am driven to become healthier than I have been and to seek new growth in my mental wellness. We all deserve dignity and that is all I ask for.

 

E.C.T. Part Duex "Shock The Badger"

 Hello again folks, did yah miss me? I am back still in hospital but back blogging all the same. As you may or may not know I have been waiting for E.C.T. (Electro Convulsive Therapy) for a couple of weeks now. It seems that it has been booked solid. It is easier to get into a New York City hot spot on a Saturday night wearing flip flops, a I Love NY tee-shirt and mesh shorts than to get ECT here in Vancouver.

  So this made me think, and you know it is dangerous when I think. back to my thought now. If ECT is so booked up how come you never hear about it or know someone who has had it? You would think someone would talk? Right? Well in my opinion there are two reasons why you never hear about it and the big one is once again "Stigma", yes the word of the month and rightfully so. You can go to a party, event gathering and hear people talk about i took Zoloft, or my wife takes Prozac. I have overheard many a conversation on the manic need for carbs from Seroquil. But you never hear, "Hey I just finished a course of ECT now I am going to Disneyland like some bad Pharma Advert.
 It is because ECT carries a stigma, not only the horrific media stigma like from film, but also the stigma that it is used for the worst of the worst. The most dangerous mental health patients. These myths and urban ledgends keep darkness and silence on the fact that ECT is a common and widely used treatment for, Depression, Mania, and Parkinsons, yup folk even Parkinsons. People who get it are afraid others will judge them for it, like employers who would not bat an eye if you took Prozac but get a little electricity and bamm you are unclean and untouchable.  So we keep quiet, but not me figures. And if you look on the googles it is full of modern horrific tales of ECT gone bad and little positive. The net loves bad stories and maybe people who have good experiences just go on with their lives without feeling the need to youtube their asses off.

 There is also the Pharma industry they have a profit motive for not talking about ECT they sell drugs, lots of them. And in a lot of cases ECT lowers the amount of drugs you must take. So they do not like that they want to sell more drugs. I am not saying Pharma is bad, a lot of people are alive because of Big Pharma friends, family and myself included. What I am saying is ECT is kept quiet a dirty little secret.

 So if someone starts talking about depression or meds at a event or party tell them you know someone who had ECT and i worked great for them and it is not cruel, does not lobotomize you or make you vote Republican . It is another tool in managing mental health, and you can think of it as a kinda natural way, no chemicals, like the "Whole Foods" vegan form of Mental Health Care. Seriously though lets help reduce stigma everywhere in Mental Health and not just on the topics and treatments we like.

"Mental Health Camp 2010 My View after a Nap"

 Yesterday I attended and spoke at Mental Health Camp 2010 in Vancouver and after a long need sleep after an emotional day here is what I saw, experienced and learned from the event. I will not mention my session or the panel I was on after this sentence as the event was not about "ME"  in the manner of what I did or did not contribute. It was about did the event serve the community, by community I mean people living with, loving with and working with Mental Illness?

 For me I saw and experienced people who are passionate about this community, seeking to lower the stigma that still effects us some of daily. I was lucky to meet a lovely young lady who was recently diagnosed with the same thing I have and who moved me with here courage to attend such a public event and not only  "Be"there but to actively participate. I also learned from here as well. So you can teach an old badger new tricks.

 I too was impressed with the people who work in Mental Health Care and Advocacy to participated and were excited on how social media can be used to help them and their clients communicate in the age of digital media.

 We know we are preaching the choir and converted but that is not the issue in this still young event. We are also trying to inspire others to work to educate, live better lives with and end the Stigma surrounding Mental Illness. At the end of the day it does not matter what did not work perfect, or other petty ego driven bull shit. It is about people plain and simple.

 I enjoyed meeting so many new faces, i was moved to be supported by so many friends who came out and was honored to collaborate with my peers. I want to Thank Issabella, and Raul for organizing the event, to all the volunteers who make events like these possible and without them I would not have had a cookie, i joke but they made to day possible. I would also like to thank all the other speakers I heard and to thank Airdrie Miller who idea seeded this still growing and new event.

  Mental Health is a personal journey that we must at time walk alone but we also need others to truly live with and cry with, laugh with and understand with.......

Day 15 Of The Badger Goes Mental " Two Week Still No Jello"

 It has been two weeks that the intrepid Badger has been on the Psych ward. Whilst all of you have been laying over night in your own moisture I am comfy on my plastic piss proof mattress in air conditioned bliss. Sure I am in a bowl of fruit loops but since I am one of them it is ok.

 My depression is still fucking with me as I have yet to get a date on starting my ECT as they are booked up, it seems ECT is trending here in Burnaby. I also cannot do out patient as my neck is  too large and I could have problems breathing so I have to be in a recovery room to have my brain tickled. it seems that I am a fat badger  I have also still only had two smokes since Monday a feat that is only out done by putting a man on the Moon and the success of American Idol.

 Sometimes when you are in hospital all you can focus on is "You" makes  sense right? well this frustration is not seen by the staff who have 100s of things to worry about. So my anger get up. I want to give up on treatment and go home to wallow. I just met with a internist who said, "You do not look like someone who is depressed and needs ECT" He cannot see my mind or maybe does not understand that for moments I can be happish only to retreat to my depression moments later.

Day14 Of The Badger Goes Mental " Your Child Arrived & Other Stigma"

 Hello all and thank you for hanging in there with me while I sort my brain out here in The Burnaby Brain Spa.  Yesterday was a mixed bag My mood went on a unexpected side trip from, Depression to Anger, to a bit of food and friend induced happiness, to raging anger, sadness and disappointment. It was like my brain and mood decided to visit every country in some emotional EPCOT.

    STIGMA! one of my pet peeves especially from health care providers and the other night whilst the Badger  was waiting for his evening nommy meds at the nurses station. I overheard this comment from one nurse to another verbatim.  "You New Child Has Arrived" this was in reference to a new Adult Patient being admitted. I did tell the other nurse I found that offensive and she agreed in a kind of placating manner. I am sure if i was not there or overheard it she would not have been bothered by it. We are NOT CHILDREN we are adults many older than the nurses helping us, It is absolutely never OK to refer to us as children. As Derek said to me at the BC Cancer agency he would never be referred to as pukey.

   It is hard enough to fight stigma in the public forum without dealing with it when we are at our most vulnerable in hospital.

 I was also on the receiving end of some personal stigma last night, and if it were not for the help of some folks I trust it may have sent me over the anger edge. I will chalk that event up to personal crap and leave it alone. Today I will not own this anger because if I pick it up and play with it the anger will become toxic and eventually poison my emotional well and all whom I care about who drink from it.

 I will attempt to have a even better day and on my quitting smoking program I have only had 2 cigarettes in three days and if you know me that is a miracle of Moses proportions  and i have not killed anyone.......yet
Go out and enjoy your day tell someone you Love Them and be nice to a stranger....

                                                                                            Love The Badger

Day 8 of the Badger goes Mental, " High Anxiety for The Badger"

Today was a mix of emotions I had a welcomed early visitor Stacey Robinsmith who was at hospital with a family member and was kind enough to share a coffee and some time. Thank you Stacey. And I went out for a bit with my friend Airdrie.

   Still thru it all something was not quite right, kinda like bacon and mayo left out in the sun, or Lindsy Lohan's face. It is anxiety, i have been dogged by endless anxiety today. I am not sure why but it is there staring at me like some creepy clown, or Jello. Fuck it is driving my mood down and making me restless.

 On a helpful hint from the Bat Shit Crazy Badger. Never buy anything from a cart in a mall, it is all questionable and may cause injury or disfigurement.

 I really feel like crap so I will keep it short tonight. Have a great night all see you when I wake up and the meds kick in.

Day 8 of The Badger Goes Mental , " Emptying Trash From The Past" a Belated entry

First to all my readers I apologizes for not posting last night. I was in a uncomfortable space holding a personal secret from my past that has haunted me for years. So far I have only told two close friends my friend John Mcteague and Airdre. Some secrets haunt you, make you question your worth and value this one one of them. I was also afraid some people would not understand. It does not involve anything morally horrible like kicking kittens nor did I murder someone. Just my  own personal demon.

 Back to yesterday , still thank "The Flying Spaghetti Monster" no jello but I did get butterscotch pudding of which am like a meth addict with I scammed 6 big bowls of it's baby shit brown goodness. I also saw a patient attach another one so bad the RCMP had to come. It is very sad when a illness turns on ones brain so bad that they will harm another. On the other hand we have a lovely young woman who has been catatonic and is now watch tv with us and trying to joke around. It is this kind of experience where you see the humanity in the ward. Watching other patients helping and looking out for someone who cannot for herself. For those of you who or anyone who thinks people living with mentally illness are lazy, cold, odd, untrustable, and selfish, spend a day here and you will be proven wrong.

Tonights post will be focused on Mad Pride, so stay tuned it should be a good one!!!!

Day 6 of "The Badger Goes Mental" " Ode to Paper Shoes & Piss Proof Pillows"

 On Tonight's Episode of The Badger Goes Mental, Day 6 "Paper Shoes & Piss Proof Pillow"
In the Nut Hatchery status among patients is not social economic. Sure we have a couple of "lord of Flies"moments which vanish as quickly as Lindsy Lohan's adult career. This is due in part to fear of the isolation room. A jail type room with a pissproof mattress on the floor and stainless steel sink / toilet just like in prison.

 If you stand up for yourself  or self advocate some drs. and nurses see you as out of control and have you locked up. Yes the isolation room has it's benefits for when someone is out of control, but iot can be abused when used to just give a nurse or doc some peace from an annoying patient. Back to the theme of the day.

The social status in the ward starts with, who has there own clothes and who is wearing hospital gowns. I notice this at meals where the gowned eat with the  gowned and the clothes eat with the clothes. Even in here people are lumped into some kind of caste. Then it breaks down even more those who can go outside and those who can't and at the top of pecking order those that can leave hospital grounds. Some move quickly like me others languish in paper shoes for weeks with the only fresh air they get is in the caged garden in the back. My friend Airdre commented it was like a zoo for crazy folks and she is right it has that feel to it.

 I have had a hard day today, depression mixed with chronic and acute pain do not mix well and my arrogant beardo Doctor who says I do not need pain meds. Also even if I am allowed out of the hospital I am still an inpaitent I still sleep with a piss proof pillow and being awoke every hour by the safety checks by the nurse.  I am also fighting with balancing this blog with humor and seriousness as I fear I am being too silly and not serious enough. For this I would appreciate some feedback. i am off to bed thank you all again for reading my rants of a crazy man and offering me such great personal support

Day 5 of The Badger Go9es Mental, " The Badger Bites His Handlers & Other Weirdness"

As Day 5 tumbles to it's finish like some tortoise and hare race except the Hare is wearing a straitjacket and the poor tortoise stopped to hoard apple juice and crackers.  Today was an odd day for me as I went postal on my doctor and laid the line down to my roommie.

    As you know I have a really fucked back, I am in chronic pain always and sometime this pain get worse and becomes acute. Last night I entered a acute horrific stage of pain, unable to walk ten metres without feeling like Oprah is dancing on my spine, whilst Nancy Grace is gnawing on it. The pain I blame on the beds in the Six Flags of Crazy. They are like building a bridge on Pancakes, except you cannot eat the mattresses, and if you did your diagnosis would probably change and that I do not need.

 A little recent History for  you. When I was in the Emerg getting admitted the shrink said, "yes we will get you pain meds once you are on the ward". That was 5 days ago and my pain free future looks bleak.
 My Dr, whom has a beard and probably likes Jello and kicks Kitties said "NO PAIN MEDS" i could just take Tylenol. Fuck You bearded shrink!! I have a history with this Putz he was my shrink for couple of days last time I was hear and I dumped him then for being a insensitive, arrogant ass. But I was willing to give him another chance til today. See he is a dr who prefers his patients to be soft and submissive, unaware of their rights and easily pushed around. I am not that patient, Not even close, So I went Badger on him and anyone who would listen.  I also called my outside dr and told him about how I was treated.

 I have talked before about the 2 tier Medical System we have. If I was in hospital for lets say some kind of infection, or maybe gout and My back was in the shape it is in I would be getting to see another doc and getting pain management asap. But if you are crazy it is different story. And being depressed sucks being depressed and in pain is a horror show. You would think DR. Beardo would want to make me pain free in order to get me healthy faster. So that was my day, I am lucky my Nurse today is one of the top 3 psych nurses I have ever had. Today I am a Bitter Badger I hope tomorrow goes more gentle. Again Thank you all for your continued support and for reading my rants and drivel.

"Mad Pride!!! Bringing Mental Health Out of The Darkness"

photo courtesy of a crazy person and big pharma

 I watched my Father a Gay Rights pioneer fight homophobia in NYC in the years after the Stonewall riots. The Stonewall is still a bar I still frequent in NYC and find as a safe harbour in my life. These riots where the incubator of what we know as the Modern "Gay Pride" movement.  Years of fighting for equal rights and end to homophobia still have not ending the hate or reversed laws but there have been amazing changes in the views and acceptance of the gay community.

 I am mentally ill, I suffer from as alot of you know Bipolar disorder. I am vocal and self "Outed" years ago. I use my blog, facebook and twitter to openly discuss mental illness and it's world view.

 For years and still people who live with, or have a family member living with mental illness have suffered mostly in silence, out of fear of being shunned, loosing employment, mocked, mistrusted and generally thought of as less than. This stigma is not just from lay people but also from medical professionals. That is why the time for "Mad Pride" has arrived.

"Mad Pride" is a movement quite like Gay Pride, it started from a need for a stigmatized segment of our community to be given respect and equal rights. The movement started in late 1990s in the UK as a way to re educate the public and healthcare professionals about living with mental health. There are parades in many cities already even Toronto has a Mad Pride week. But we do not here in Vancouver and we need one.

 Vancouver has a very high per capita mental illness rate, we see it all around us almost everyday. So what do we do? How do we evoke a pivotal change in the public and professional views of crazy?

  My plan is simple, I will continue to speak out on Mad Pride and my mental illness. I intend to also use social media, like twitter, facebook, and blogging to create a Vancouver Mad Pride movement. My goal in the short  term is a parade, and festival. Just one day for now with a dream of it being a week long event.

The time has come.... We need to join the Crazy  the Sane, the lay person and professional to come together to break down the walls of hate, fear, stigma, and blindness and stand up for Mad Pride.. Because we are all a little mad!