Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Badger Gone Mental Day 30, "Held Hostage By My Health"

 I have now been in the hospital for a month yup one month, it sometimes feels like a lifetime and other times like a blur. Time not withstanding, I needed to be here as my brain when it goes of the reservation it is not a pretty place. I have been lucky that this time I did not leave a trail of horror behind me like some emotional paddle wheel boat. I have in the past hurt those who care the most for me and also myself. As much as I kid living with Bipolar disorder is not a joke, there are days like today that start great and end in me wanting to disappear.

   These feelings are attached to my depression and anxiety and play in the same sand box as my PTSD and fear of abandonment. When I am healthy they live quietly in a corner of my brain content to stay there and play with each other. When I am ill they go stir crazy wanting to show off to everyone they see. I only have 3 maybe 4 ECT treatments left. I am beginning to feel them work and hope the remaining ones matched with my increased medication will bring me back to the person I am and that the people who care about me know and love. I am not there yet.

   The one thing that is still raging in my rat brain is that I am now worthless, useless a burden to all. I  am not writing this to try and get the Äww you are valuable comments, it is  really how I feel inside. I am not working and currently on disability  for my cancer, I cannot work, but I want to work. For years what defined me was my job, my career, I loved getting up each day to work. I know crazy huh? I was blessed to work in a field I am passionate about. Now that is gone, maybe forever, what use am I what do I contribute to the world. maybe I can think about what can I contribute to the world? I am just not there yet. I see people on transit going to and from work and it makes me sad and angry. I am hoping there is a place in the world for me because I am fighting real fucking hard to stay in it...


  1. I can relate to the useless feeling...I don't have a job either...I just graduated from second career college, and I really miss school. Miss having projects to work on and going somewhere every day, having a PURPOSE.
    So I poke around on the internet and read books and think about doing art, but wander aimlessly a lot and feel unaccomplished.
    As for the other things that you are being plagued with...I have mood swings but am too obstinant to go to a doctor about it. I was having anxiety attacks a few years ago and I wound up at the doctor's getting tested for every physical ailment, and was so embarassed when it was diagnosed as anxiety that I just stopped having them! When it happens now and then, at least I know what it is and the stress is left at a minimum. So I am lucky to not have landed in the hospital for mental problems. (except for when I was 18 and spent 3 weeks in the Royal ottawa Hospital on suicide watch) why am I telling you all this?
    On the cancer front, I am lucky again not to have had it but I watched wretchedly as my mother died from lung cancer 9 years ago. I hope you beat yours, whatever is it?

  2. im terrified right now that what happened... has now left me damaged goods as well, like if i were meant to successful then why did what happened happen on my first two days back? i feel so sick right now i don't want to go on it doesn't seem like there is any point and sometimes i hate feeling like im living for other people and not myself.
    it is so hard to find the healthy balance. you are SO not alone. although not healthy these are feelings we deal with, it sucks but this is what this disease does and you, me, Tina... we all deserve friends and good people in our lives. <3 you forever.