Wednesday, July 21, 2010
I have now been in the hospital for a month yup one month, it sometimes feels like a lifetime and other times like a blur. Time not withstanding, I needed to be here as my brain when it goes of the reservation it is not a pretty place. I have been lucky that this time I did not leave a trail of horror behind me like some emotional paddle wheel boat. I have in the past hurt those who care the most for me and also myself. As much as I kid living with Bipolar disorder is not a joke, there are days like today that start great and end in me wanting to disappear.
These feelings are attached to my depression and anxiety and play in the same sand box as my PTSD and fear of abandonment. When I am healthy they live quietly in a corner of my brain content to stay there and play with each other. When I am ill they go stir crazy wanting to show off to everyone they see. I only have 3 maybe 4 ECT treatments left. I am beginning to feel them work and hope the remaining ones matched with my increased medication will bring me back to the person I am and that the people who care about me know and love. I am not there yet.
The one thing that is still raging in my rat brain is that I am now worthless, useless a burden to all. I am not writing this to try and get the Äww you are valuable comments, it is really how I feel inside. I am not working and currently on disability for my cancer, I cannot work, but I want to work. For years what defined me was my job, my career, I loved getting up each day to work. I know crazy huh? I was blessed to work in a field I am passionate about. Now that is gone, maybe forever, what use am I what do I contribute to the world. maybe I can think about what can I contribute to the world? I am just not there yet. I see people on transit going to and from work and it makes me sad and angry. I am hoping there is a place in the world for me because I am fighting real fucking hard to stay in it...