Sunday, July 4, 2010
Last night the Badger escaped the ward on a pass to attend the birthday hoopla for my friend Derek @penmachine . Getting the pass was great and I got to let loose see some great friends and get pretty drunk. All in all a good time I also met some new folks as well.
The difficult time for me was this morning and to some extent last night. As much fun as I was having my depression was still lurking like some emotional squatter in my brain. While people laugh, drink and eat, then head home to their beds and fluffy duvets I know I am returning here to hospital, that I am not well enough to be in my own bed watching TV and smoking. I am here where yes I need to be so I can be healthy again, but it still stings. My depression tells me I am worthless, that I will never get well and that I cannot have a normal life.
How fucked is it having these thoughts and being enlightened enough to know it is my illness talking? Fighting and living with mental illness is a war some battles you win, some you loose. You may loose some ground you fought for one day and find new ground another. I am not giving up and will not but the battle is tough today maybe tomorrow or later it will be unicorns crapping out rainbows, who knows. What I do know is that I am a fighter, I am stubborn, I am a Badger......... Oh and still no signs of Jello so I have that going for me.