Tuesday, July 27, 2010
I am a poster boy for Type "B" personality and pretty much have been most of my life. This is not without the hard work of having two very Type "A" parents. Both very much so yet both very different in their execution of said traits. My Dad a laid back Workaholic with a great gift for humor and a love of total relaxation. You would only have to wait til summer or a holiday in warm climes to witness his almost werewolf like transformation. Dad at the beach was literally a "Bum" , proof of which was his sailor hat with the brim cut off that made him look like some freckled "Village Person cum Gilligan", a sight to behold. But off the beach and off weekends and holidays he worked his ass off, and instilled in me that if you do not work hard you are not a man. ( This is why it is so hard for me to value myself now that I am on disability ) . It is odd because he never judged anyone he just held himself and his family up to a higher standard.
I inherited my Dad's zest for life and humor, it was one of his greatest gifts to me, along with a love of nature, animals, food, and Show Tunes. He is a big part of my Type "B" side, Even as a driven professional man he always saw things in perspectives, he valued the simple things and saw the simple beauty around him. He never complicated beauty, love, or humor, they just were to be admired, tended to and enjoyed.
My Mum was a Type "A" she was a loving and tireless supporter of me even when it was not easy to do so. She also could worry the paint off of a battleship. Mum was Neurotic and a hoarders worst nightmare. They say "Neurotics build castles in the sky, Psychotics live in those castles. My Mum cleaned those castles!! Her war on clutter was famous, as was her organization skills. She was a manager in her soul, she managed everything and anything to the point of my endless frustration. Yet she was kind, gentle and giving like no one else I have ever known personally.
I somehow came out of this cacophony of nuttiness as a Type "B" , I am not a big worrier, nor am I a neat person. I am a fairly laid back person who can see beauty around him without it being a chore. I live for fun and like to make fun for others. I also have some Type A issues that lurk under my twisted shell.
I do not sweat the big stuff, I know what I can and cannot control. But my Mums gift to me was driving myself and others batty about the small stuff, like if she was obsessively cleaning the neurotic detritus in my brain. It is little things that drive me batty and make me stay up at night unable to sleep. I need a roomba for my brain to sweep up the crap that I should not worry about so much.
I see more of my mum in me these days, she tends to come for a visit when I have been sick. I love the person that my Mum was and anyone who really knew her knew her kindness and her nuttiness, but she does not do well alone in my brain., nor does my Dad for that matter. I am just seeking balance is all.
Balance has been difficult for me of late. When I was healthy, working, productive I was a good mix of enough of each of my folks but not too much other either one. I will beat myself up for being ill and not working because that is my dad talking. But I will be easy on anyone else in a difficult situation. Like my mum I can manage other peoples issues with them better than my Dads side can deal with those same issues within me.
There is room for, my Dad, my Mum and what makes me uniquely Steven in me. I just need to find that balance and not let the neurosis of any of them take command, because alone in my head anyone of them left to their own devices can get uglier than seeing your grandma on chat roulette.
To Quote my late wife, " Steven living with you is like watersking behind a aircraft carrier" Sometimes waterskiing is fun.