Tuesday, July 6, 2010
I slept like crap last night, maybe it was because of the dip in my depression, maybe having a new roommate who may or may not want to eat my spleen like he threatened this morning to do. I know it is his illness but when a guy who is staying where I am staying says, " You look evil, next time you sleep I will eat your insides" you take note. But back to my sleep, sometimes depression makes me want to do nothing else but sleep, this time, as it turns out when I have nothing but nothing to do I cant sleep at all, Meh... Just when I think I can get a handle on understanding my depression it pulls out a new "feature & Benefit" like some mental health salesman on commission, last night I even took two imovain a sleeping pill like "Ambian" and nothing poop just nothing. The first time I took one of these it was more than half the does and I feel asleep at the kitchen table for 8 hours only to awake to the laughter of my wife and the lady in the loft next door who she snuck in to get a peek at my upright drooling slumber. I hope to sleep better tonight and to wake up with a spleen and maybe a liver, i would not mind if some fat was gone liposuction is so pricey these days.
Today I did wake feeling somewhat better and nothing makes me happier than driving, well ok I admit beer, unscrambled porn in hotel rooms and cheese make me very happy. But Driving is right up there.
It is not just driving, it spending time with friends who support me, who make me feel safe and valued who can make me laugh when I find it difficult to like myself let alone enjoy anything else. So my friend Airdrie can by to pick me up in her new fun to hoon Mazda and let me drive. She figured it was safe as I was not wearing tin foil. We drove to Squamish up the "Sea To Sky" Highway ( for all my non Vancouver readers i recommend google maps) It was a fun drive up the roads are twisty and we listened to "This American Life" a NPR treasure. Upon driving up I spotted a "Taco Bell" here in Vancouver they are harder to find than Rush Limbaugh at a Obama garden party. I wanted wait needed some taco bell badness. The food was not bad typical Taco bell but the service was tragic very much so. Three Staff and the only one really working was a Bitter German Octogenarian. Then we drove home enjoying the spectacular view of our coastal Fjords.
This post is not directly about my mental health but in some ways it is. My depression is constant ever present and there, But when I am with people I feel safe around I can manage, I can see the beauty in the Fjords, The fast food goodness of Taco Bell and the enjoyment of driving twisty roads and good music. These friends unknowing and knowing make by days bearable, are like a wind that can blow a hole in this heavy fog of my depression, and when I cannot see through the fog they are my fog horn.
I thought I had no Family left that I was now truly alone, but I am not people like The Millers and their lovely kids not to mention Derek's fantastic parents. My brother from another mother John McTeague in NY, and to so many others here in Vancouver. I now have a butt load of Fog Horns and hopefully by dawn my spleen.