Monday, July 19, 2010
As I stumble closer to being in Hospital for a whole month some things are becoming clear to me, as clear as that can be through the eyes of myself whilst sitting here trying to get well. I am a very paitent man believe it or not. Being a type B non-linear thinker helps in situations like this. Some may doubt my type b-ness because I can be a big personality, but those who really know me see that.
Still I have been here 3 days shy of a month. To put that in perspective that is a Billing Cycle for your HD cable service. My depression is still playing games with my head, it is still telling me I am worthless that no one really wants to be near me that I will not recover and be sick now forever. My rational mind knows it is not true but my ill mind believes it.
i am also scared the ECT will flip me into Mania putting me into a state that I fear. When I really am the Badger 24/7 and I work real hard to destroy all around me. But I am in a safe place getting good care. I am still trying to get my netbook approved on the ward. I have been here a fucking month, they can at least throw me a bone or maybe some airmiles...
I am still feeling extreme loneliness as well as I am still at times feeling the effects of the effects of last week, My ability to trust has been stretched not broken just stretched leaving me feeling exposed and raw.
There is a chance that I could be here another month as my treatments are twice a week instead of three times a week. I am hoping this is not the case. If so I will get more overnight passes and will get to spend more time with friends and less with some of the bitchy nurses.